Here I am again (and again)

[No1]

And then yesterday happened. She told me she cared about him and was choosing him over me despite everything that happened on Sunday. She told me I deserved the best and she could not be that anymore. She said she still wants to be friends.

 

I'm crushed.

 

 

and yet you wont learn from this. The cycle will continue.

[hrb23]

and yet you wont learn from this. The cycle will continue.

 

You're right. I'm not strong enough to learn from it. I just feel so jealous and angry and sad and It's really overcoming me. I can't believe I'm this person.

[No1]

You're right. I'm not strong enough to learn from it. I just feel so jealous and angry and sad and It's really overcoming me. I can't believe I'm this person.

 

 

Look into seeing some counseling. You said you work, see if your company has an EAP for you. You can get counseling sessions free if your work has EAP for its employees. If not, then see if your health insurance has something for you.

 

Seeing a counselor is not a bad thing. They are trained to help people in your exact situation. Look into it instead of trying to cure yourself. It will do you a world of good.

[hrb23]

Look into seeing some counseling. You said you work, see if your company has an EAP for you. You can get counseling sessions free if your work has EAP for its employees. If not, then see if your health insurance has something for you.

 

Seeing a counselor is not a bad thing. They are trained to help people in your exact situation. Look into it instead of trying to cure yourself. It will do you a world of good.

 

Just checked and I can get 5 free sessions through my work EAP program. I'm going to go and get this counseling as soon as possible. Hopefully I can truly start to heal.

 

My mom reached out to X last night without my knowing. She told my X I had been crying down the phone to her and that she was worried about my and asked X to get me to call her because she couldn't reach me. I obviously hadn't told my mom we broke up. Too scared of turning my mom against her in case there is a chance for the future. I guess this is all fantasy though.

[No1]

Dont even think about the future. Thinking about the future will drive you crazy because there are so many infinite possibilities its not helpful to think about. Focus on the now, on what is happening at this very moment and accept what has happened. Only worry about what you have a direct control of. You cant control your mom or your Xs actions, only yours. I think you should tell your mom that you two broke up and no need to explain, just say "things didn work out" then ask her to not speak to your X about you or give her updates on you.

 

Understand that the sun will still rise and set without your X in your life. In fact you will be better off.

[MissCanuck]

It's not going to happen in the future with her either, OP.

 

Please do take advantage of the free counselling sessions. It will help you understand why you got so attached to a person who does not care about you in the same way. It will also help in giving you the tools to avoid similar problems in future relationships.

[hrb23]

It's not going to happen in the future with her either, OP.

 

Please do take advantage of the free counselling sessions. It will help you understand why you got so attached to a person who does not care about you in the same way. It will also help in giving you the tools to avoid similar problems in future relationships.

 

Yes. I was talking to my 17 year old brother yesterday and I told him I didn't want to live without her and didn't know how I could after all that time of being together. (It was a bad night)

 

His response has changed everything for me:

 

"What you're saying is that if you had cancer and then it was cured, you would miss it because you spent all that time together."

 

I think my big take away here is that if I were ever in trouble, physically or mental, I would naturally protect myself. This situation should be no different.

 

I need to protect myself like I would in any bad situation. I miss her. But that's okay.

[hrb23]

Last night me and her met one last time. I had to get my stuff back and wanted some sort of closure. The result was TERRIBLE.

 

I asked her some straight up questions and finally got the TRUTH. YES she brought her new partner to New York to meet her family just weeks after breaking up with me. YES she lied about so many things pertaining to him and us. Yes she cheated on me last year too.

 

I told her I was meeting someone after seeing her so I had to get going, said she was coming to my place to hang out. My X FLIPPED out and stormed off.

 

I went home too and noticed she had blocked me. Me and my friend were then hanging out and a few hours later I get a barrage of texts.

 

"f-u to hell that is all"

"*insult about me and new girl*"

"I wont miss you at all"

"Youre insane, mean and can't control your anger"

"You are a desperate F"

"PS I did sleep with my X several times while we were together. I loved him. It was always him."

 

How can someone that claimed to love me be SO mean. Like brutally mean. To someone that loves and cares about her so much. She has completely destroyed my confidence.

 

The messed up thing is she was sexting me the night before and I was stupid enough to reciprocate. I almost want to just show her new boyfriend those texts as a way of payback for all the mean things she said and the way she has treated me.

[No1]

You know the old saying "No one can make you feel miserable unless you allow them to"

 

do you see what other people see or are you still blinded by love? You have your answers, you have your finality, you can walk away today. Up to you.

[MissCanuck]

OP, unfortunately, the red flags were there for a long time that this girl was Bad News.

 

Please, don't overlook them in the future. She claimed to love you, but her actions showed you that she didn't. That was your mistake, sadly. You chose to not heed the obvious warning signs that she was not a good person to date.

 

You didn't deserve this treatment, don't get me wrong. But you could have avoided a lot of the extra pain if you'd walked away earlier.

 

Stop trying to force a relationship with a clearly dysfunctional girl. It never works.

[No1]

Listen to MissCanuck.. she is good!!

 

 

eh?

[MissCanuck]

Listen to MissCanuck.. she is good!!

 

 

eh?

 

Haha, merci beacoup!

[hrb23]

You know the old saying "No one can make you feel miserable unless you allow them to"

 

do you see what other people see or are you still blinded by love? You have your answers, you have your finality, you can walk away today. Up to you.

 

I see what other people see. But it doesn't mean I stop loving her. I shared a lot of the best moments of my life with this girl. I had so much planned and so much I wanted to do with her. Knowing she hates me now is the worst part of all.

 

OP, unfortunately, the red flags were there for a long time that this girl was Bad News.

 

Please, don't overlook them in the future. She claimed to love you, but her actions showed you that she didn't. That was your mistake, sadly. You chose to not heed the obvious warning signs that she was not a good person to date.

 

You didn't deserve this treatment, don't get me wrong. But you could have avoided a lot of the extra pain if you'd walked away earlier.

 

Stop trying to force a relationship with a clearly dysfunctional girl. It never works.

 

Nobody ever deserves to be treated like this.

 

I was never a very confident guy. I know I'm not the best looking guy. But I have a lot of heart and am extremely kind. She was truly beautiful physically. Like well out of my league. So now all that confidence I gained in myself by being with someone like her has been destroyed. I feel like it was just a whole joke for her the whole time and she just wanted to hurt me.

 

I'm back where I started, feeling insecure and not knowing who if anyone will love me or find me attractive.

 

It just hurts and I'm scared. I'll miss her dearly. Her. Not the person she became.

[No1]

Not the person she became? she was always that person, you refused to see her and saw only potential. She Could be a perfect GF instead of she is one that needs help. You even posted that she lied to you about going to NY with family and that wasnt enough to stop you from seeing the truth.

 

You can have a love for your X. However you cant be in love with your X. You can wish her happiness, but thats as far as it goes. You have to wish her a good life because you wont be in it. And dont even say you plan on being friends with her in the future. This girl is like a leaf blowing in the wind, her feelings range and vary moment to moment. She can hate you now and love you 10 min later. She says those things out of defense and to hurt you. She doesnt hate you, but you must ask yourself is this the type of girl you want?

 

Until you see she is toxic, drama filled, unstable, selfish, needy, un caring, un just, lacks compasion, you will carry the drama with you. Its not going to work, she will always be searching for more.

[No1]

Haha, merci beacoup!

 

East side canuck?

[hrb23]

Not the person she became? she was always that person, you refused to see her and saw only potential. She Could be a perfect GF instead of she is one that needs help. You even posted that she lied to you about going to NY with family and that wasnt enough to stop you from seeing the truth.

 

You can have a love for your X. However you cant be in love with your X. You can wish her happiness, but thats as far as it goes. You have to wish her a good life because you wont be in it. And dont even say you plan on being friends with her in the future. This girl is like a leaf blowing in the wind, her feelings range and vary moment to moment. She can hate you now and love you 10 min later. She says those things out of defense and to hurt you. She doesnt hate you, but you must ask yourself is this the type of girl you want?

 

Until you see she is toxic, drama filled, unstable, selfish, needy, un caring, un just, lacks compasion, you will carry the drama with you. Its not going to work, she will always be searching for more.

 

I'm going to see a therapist this afternoon for the first time in my life. No idea what to expect. I'm guessing I'd love for them to instantly make me feel better but I know that isn't going to happen.

 

My worst fear will continue to be that I won't find anybody I like 'as much' that also likes me back. It took me 5 years of my adult life to find this girl, I'm 23 now. I don't want to be alone until I'm 28 and that's what scares me. I love having someone there to share special moments with. I miss it. More than I miss her. Because ultimately all of those negative words you just used to describe her are true.

 

If someone said to me you'll meet this beautiful woman but she will be all of those things. I'd run.

 

But I didn't run, I chased, and now she despises me. But that's probably for the best.

[KMO7970]

Not the person she became? she was always that person...

 

.

 

YES. There's that quote saying that people don't change; they reveal themselves over time. This is her, sadly. Too bad people don't come with warning labels.

 

I'm so sorry you went through this, OP. As far as being loved and found attractive again, this will absolutely happen for you. Abuse like what you have experienced has a way of making the victims feel unworthy, among other things, but this is NOT a reflection of you.

[hrb23]

YES. There's that quote saying that people don't change; they reveal themselves over time. This is her, sadly. Too bad people don't come with warning labels.

 

I'm so sorry you went through this, OP. As far as being loved and found attractive again, this will absolutely happen for you. Abuse like what you have experienced has a way of making the victims feel unworthy, among other things, but this is NOT a reflection of you.

 

It's hard because it was my first real love. Saying that scares me because it makes me feel like it's always going to be like this. But I guess that's what learning is. Thanks for all the help and advice to everyone, as little as I have listened, it has truly helped.

 

No1 you have provided such wise insight and truly made me able to rationalize everything and I feel I can now see clearly. It took me driving her away by telling me I had a date but she is now gone for good and she will never be reaching out to me again.

 

That's the thing about my X, she could always have whatever she wanted as long as she still had me, telling her I was going on a date completely sent her CRAZY. Which is unbelievable considering she has a boyfriend that she has actively told me about.

 

Her final words when hearing of my date: "Never contact me or my boyfriend again."

 

Truly a piece of work

[KMO7970]

You can do WAY better than this nut job.

[hrb23]

You can do WAY better than this nut job.

 

I like to think so.

 

The one thing that hurts the most is being betrayed and cheated on. And then knowing they are together while I am alone.

 

That doesn't sit well with me and I think about her and what she/they might be doing all the time.

[KMO7970]

Awww, I know. I think the only thing that can truly bring you comfort in this situation is time away from her and the whole situation.

 

Think of this, though: she isn't going to suddenly become "normal" with this new guy. Basically, she has found someone else to abuse.

[MissCanuck]

East side canuck?

 

Toronto area! Live abroad now, though.

 

And OP, good for you for taking the step to see a counsellor. It sometimes helps just to have a neutral, professional party listen and give you practical skills you can use to overcome these types of break-ups.

 

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

[No1]

You almost made a self breakthru and you probably didnt realize it. You said you miss having someone to share special moments with than you miss your X. Translated that means that you miss feeling needed and wanted over the X.

 

The feelings and moments are special, but part of life is finding that special person. You might have to date several girls to find that right one for you. Not everyone you meet or date is going to be your perfect match. BF and GF are interchangable until you find the one you know it a right fit for you.

 

No one can tell you how long it would take, but if you do things to properly heal, then you go out and you do things to make YOU happy. Then you will find someone that is closer to what you want in life. Your X was special because she made you feel special, but she wasnt good for you. Find one that is the one for you.

[hrb23]

Toronto area! Live abroad now, though.

 

And OP, good for you for taking the step to see a counsellor. It sometimes helps just to have a neutral, professional party listen and give you practical skills you can use to overcome these types of break-ups.

 

Keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

I will certainly let you know how I'm getting on. I already know that NC is the answer but to carry on with that I need help with skills I can use to block out the "missing her" part and not get that urge to contact her when I'm alone and thinking of her.

 

You almost made a self breakthru and you probably didnt realize it. You said you miss having someone to share special moments with than you miss your X. Translated that means that you miss feeling needed and wanted over the X.

 

The feelings and moments are special, but part of life is finding that special person. You might have to date several girls to find that right one for you. Not everyone you meet or date is going to be your perfect match. BF and GF are interchangable until you find the one you know it a right fit for you.

 

No one can tell you how long it would take, but if you do things to properly heal, then you go out and you do things to make YOU happy. Then you will find someone that is closer to what you want in life. Your X was special because she made you feel special, but she wasnt good for you. Find one that is the one for you.

 

I'm on my way. These counseling sessions will hopefully get me on track. I have my soccer season starting next Wednesday so i'll be playing Co-Ed on Wednesdays and then in a mens league every Saturday. It will leave me with very little time for sadness which I'm looking forward to. Plan on going to the Bruins game with a friend on Thursday too. All things to keep my hands off my phone and any contact with her.

[MissCanuck]

I will certainly let you know how I'm getting on. I already know that NC is the answer but to carry on with that I need help with skills I can use to block out the "missing her" part and not get that urge to contact her when I'm alone and thinking of her.

 

 

 

I'm on my way. These counseling sessions will hopefully get me on track. I have my soccer season starting next Wednesday so i'll be playing Co-Ed on Wednesdays and then in a mens league every Saturday. It will leave me with very little time for sadness which I'm looking forward to. Plan on going to the Bruins game with a friend on Thursday too. All things to keep my hands off my phone and any contact with her.

 

I think nearly all of us can identify with this feeling.

 

Some moments will be hard. You will miss her sometimes, that's inevitable. The best thing is to have a few distractions prepared for when that happens. For example, you could write here, play a video game, go for a run, make some toast, read Wikipeida..heck, anything to redirect your attention in that moment. You will find that those urges become farther and fewer between, over time.

 

You also need to remind yourself how much more pain you've now effectively dodged. Because believe me, it would have gotten worse if you'd tried to hang on. You will slowly be able to let go of the illusion you had of her. That person didn't really exist, it was only a hypothetical. And relationships can't function well in hypothetical mode.

 

You're still young. I know you are afraid of being alone, but you have a lot of time ahead of you to find someone really great. You will get better at weeding out the bad apples who can only supply a temporary fix (ie. this girl) Most of us have encountered at least one of those in our day. They aren't the ones we're meant to love, but they sure can teach us a lot about respecting ourselves and setting strong boundaries! I know my rottenest apple did just that. He was awful for me and to me, but I have become so much wiser about who I let into my life because of it. You can use this batsh*t girl as a valuable lesson in identifying and running from red flags, and in not letting someone mistreat you and take advantage of your kindness.