The Universe Works in Funny Ways (NC, healing.)

[Hds2014]

First of all I wanted to say thanks to all of you here on ENA. I've been pretty much a silent viewer of these forums for the last few months besides the occasional post and I can safely say if I didn't find this place I'd be so much more lost than I am now.

 

A little history - my ex and I broke up because she needed space to focus on herself and her career and her life after school. This started as a break but eventually became a total BU. Total time dating was roughly a year and 3 months. The relationship overall was amazing up until 2 months prior to her needing space. We tried the whole friends thing (because she wanted it, it, claimed she still loved me, needed emotional crutch...It was basically LC.) eventually I couldn't take it anymore and went NC. I haven't heard from her since.

 

I wanted to share something with you and some advice. This isn't a reconciliation story so if you're looking for that you can exit now.

 

 

This morning I decided to take a different route to work to avoid construction and during that drive I saw my ex. The entire time I've been doing NC I had this idea in my head that if I saw her it would be this big dramatic deal so I've done everything in my power to avoid her up until today and I want to tell you the honest to gods truth:

 

I felt nothing. No urge to text her after. Nothing.

 

Now whether this sounds good or bad to you is irrelevant because it was a huge validation of the lack of anxiety I've had this past week and the total sense of peace I've been reaching. I stopped making X's on my calendar days ago but I counted down the days and this is coincidentally exactly ONE month since I started NC. The Universe is weird.

 

I think a lot of us have our exes on some kind of pedestal and so have I but I think finally seeing her just validated to me that she's human and not worth all the mental torture I place upon myself.

 

My advice to you all is this:

 

-if your ex asks for space......for the love of god, GIVE IT TO THEM. No amount of begging or pleading is going to change their mind.

 

-NC is crucial. For YOU. I had my doubts but eventually most of you will get to the point where for your own sanity, you just have to do it. DO NOT BREAK IT. You will feel like s*** . I'm happy to say I haven't but I've been so close a few times and was so relieved the next day because I chose to sleep on it instead and knew it was a dumb idea. I'm a firm believer that the dumper, especially in situations like mine, will initiate contact if they want you.

 

- NC MEANS NC as in DELETE THEM OFF SOCIAL MEDIA. I swear to you, every little thing you see can be manipulated and misinterpreted to the point where you will be totally miserable if you check up on their activity. Just don't do it!! They won't forget you, I've dumped girls I dated casually and never forgot them. Stop torturing yourself with this belief.

 

-Figure out where you went wrong, and fix those issues. For me it was lack of self care, low self esteem, and codependency issues. After the begging and pleading I did for nearly 3 months post BU I had enough and got a therapist and really got to the root of my problems and TALKED about them. I continue to do this and it helps so much. Talk about it. Write it out. If there's ever going to be any reconciliation down the road or even when it comes to your NEXT relationship you CANNOT have the same issues.

 

-My own personal opinion is it's okay to have some hope for the back of your pocket but you cannot let it rule your entire life. Don't sit around waiting for your ex while they're out there moving forward. I finally got to the point where I was indifferent and tired of sulking while she probably wasn't.

 

If there was any good that came from my breakup at the end of last year it's that without it I wouldn't have been forced to really look into myself and figure out who I am and what it means to really take care of myself. I can thank her for that now. This year so far has been weird but it has its perks. I look older, I feel older. I know I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I thought I was. I'm not totally happy but I'm a couple baby steps from being at peace. And that might be better.

 

I know this is so, so hard. A lot of you will be in shock initially for a week or so, as was I... but my hope for all of you who are just now going through the beginning stages of all of this is that you can reach this same sense of peace. Hold on and push through. If I could do this anyone can. Things calm down. I realized I can still love her but let go. It gets easier. Nobody knows what will happen in the future but I've finally reached the point where I know I'll be okay either way.

 

Thank you all again.

[Bob2526]

First of all I wanted to say thanks to all of you here on ENA. I've been pretty much a silent viewer of these forums for the last few months besides the occasional post and I can safely say if I didn't find this place I'd be so much more lost than I am now.

 

A little history - my ex and I broke up because she needed space to focus on herself and her career and her life after school. This started as a break but eventually became a total BU. Total time dating was roughly a year and 3 months. The relationship overall was amazing up until 2 months prior to her needing space. We tried the whole friends thing (because she wanted it, it, claimed she still loved me, needed emotional crutch...It was basically LC.) eventually I couldn't take it anymore and went NC. I haven't heard from her since.

 

I wanted to share something with you and some advice. This isn't a reconciliation story so if you're looking for that you can exit now.

 

 

This morning I decided to take a different route to work to avoid construction and during that drive I saw my ex. The entire time I've been doing NC I had this idea in my head that if I saw her it would be this big dramatic deal so I've done everything in my power to avoid her up until today and I want to tell you the honest to gods truth:

 

I felt nothing. No urge to text her after. Nothing.

 

Now whether this sounds good or bad to you is irrelevant because it was a huge validation of the lack of anxiety I've had this past week and the total sense of peace I've been reaching. I stopped making X's on my calendar days ago but I counted down the days and this is coincidentally exactly ONE month since I started NC. The Universe is weird.

 

I think a lot of us have our exes on some kind of pedestal and so have I but I think finally seeing her just validated to me that she's human and not worth all the mental torture I place upon myself.

 

My advice to you all is this:

 

-if your ex asks for space......for the love of god, GIVE IT TO THEM. No amount of begging or pleading is going to change their mind.

 

-NC is crucial. For YOU. I had my doubts but eventually most of you will get to the point where for your own sanity, you just have to do it. DO NOT BREAK IT. You will feel like s*** . I'm happy to say I haven't but I've been so close a few times and was so relieved the next day because I chose to sleep on it instead and knew it was a dumb idea. I'm a firm believer that the dumper, especially in situations like mine, will initiate contact if they want you.

 

- NC MEANS NC as in DELETE THEM OFF SOCIAL MEDIA. I swear to you, every little thing you see can be manipulated and misinterpreted to the point where you will be totally miserable if you check up on their activity. Just don't do it!! They won't forget you, I've dumped girls I dated casually and never forgot them. Stop torturing yourself with this belief.

 

-Figure out where you went wrong, and fix those issues. For me it was lack of self care, low self esteem, and codependency issues. After the begging and pleading I did for nearly 3 months post BU I had enough and got a therapist and really got to the root of my problems and TALKED about them. I continue to do this and it helps so much. Talk about it. Write it out. If there's ever going to be any reconciliation down the road or even when it comes to your NEXT relationship you CANNOT have the same issues.

 

-My own personal opinion is it's okay to have some hope for the back of your pocket but you cannot let it rule your entire life. Don't sit around waiting for your ex while they're out there moving forward. I finally got to the point where I was indifferent and tired of sulking while she probably wasn't.

 

If there was any good that came from my breakup at the end of last year it's that without it I wouldn't have been forced to really look into myself and figure out who I am and what it means to really take care of myself. I can thank her for that now. This year so far has been weird but it has its perks. I look older, I feel older. I know I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I thought I was. I'm not totally happy but I'm a couple baby steps from being at peace. And that might be better.

 

I know this is so, so hard. A lot of you will be in shock initially for a week or so, as was I... but my hope for all of you who are just now going through the beginning stages of all of this is that you can reach this same sense of peace. Hold on and push through. If I could do this anyone can. Things calm down. I realized I can still love her but let go. It gets easier. Nobody knows what will happen in the future but I've finally reached the point where I know I'll be okay either way.

 

Thank you all again.

 

Thanks for this post. It's what I needed to read. She broke up with me for similar reasons and I understood why she needed the break up. Last week I heard she was in a new relationship and i had a couple bad days after. No contact has helped me and I initially had the urge to text and call but never did. She did reach out a couple times but I kept it short and stopped responding altogether as I knew I wasn't healing by communicating with her. Having hope kinda made it worse for me especially after hearing she was seeing someone else and it brought back some raw emotions. I'm better now and I realized that I need to move on as well. I'm not there yet but I can feel myself getting better. I realized that I cannot allow one person to have any power over me. Like you, I saw my ex at work when she was pulling in two weeks into no contact and I had no anxiety or any negative feelings. I just waved and thought keep pushing forward. Everyday it does get a little easier and the urge to call or text it pretty much gone. I still need to work on myself though and be happy again. It's a work in progress.. thanks again for this post and good to read you are almost there.

[rich46]

Superb post. Agree with every word.

 

Thanks for posting!

[mgsportsfan252]

Excellent post! My ex gave me the I need space thing as well so that's exactly what I did. She also said she wanted to be friends and I declined and said it wasn't a good idea. She did reach out a few times and I was cordial since we work in the same office. Then a month ago my dad died and she suddenly started to reach out more and wanted to meet up. She said she wanted to remain friends and I basically told her I wasn't interested, wasn't mad at her or for how she ended things and that when someone asks me to give them space I have to take their word that's what they really want. Now anytime I see her at work she ignores me or doesn't even say hi back. She did stare me down one time but like you, I didn't feel anything. I actually felt relieved and kinda felt sorry that she is mad at the fact I rejected her let's be friends offer.

 

Through all this I had hope things might rekindle and that she would come to her senses. But I also made sure to move on myself. Went on dates, went to the gym, started networking more at work, etc.

 

Now I'm seeing someone else but it's in the early stages. Not going to rush into this one like I did my last.

 

Point being is, every break up is a learning experience. Moping and feeling bad for yourself will only set you back. Now it's easier to say than do. I was hardly eating for a week after my BU. It takes sometime but things get better and it helps when you try to improve yourself rather than focusing on the BU.

[Tuna010]

Great post and very inspiring and hopefull. I think I'm having so much trouble because I do nc but they keep contacting me (not in reconcile ways, ways to mentally torture me) which is making it harder. But it's good to see it has made you much stronger and I know that will be the case for me too eventually!

[Hds2014]

Great post and very inspiring and hopefull. I think I'm having so much trouble because I do nc but they keep contacting me (not in reconcile ways, ways to mentally torture me) which is making it harder. But it's good to see it has made you much stronger and I know that will be the case for me too eventually!

 

The one thing I've been lucky with when it comes to this NC is my ex never pesters me or does any mind games. Whether her not reaching out is because she doesn't care anymore, or simply because she knows it isn't right until she's ready is beyond me. I don't really want to know the reason, honestly. I just want to heal. Even though the BU was rough she always still had a good level of respect for me when it came to what I needed to do to move forward. I'm sorry your ex keep setting you back. That would've made things a lot harder for me but I'm sure you'll figure out how to push through and come out on top. Best of luck.