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I have kept my mouth shut long enough


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Basically I got married last June after a 2 year commitment. A few days after my wedding day I get a message from my ex. He has put me through hell. I responded with a polite response HELLO! I am married now , leave me alone.


fast forward to today, I thought I saw him in a crowd but he didn't act like he knew me. I recognized this shirt that he was wearing and his general complection. I dont want him in my life, we are facebook, linkedin, and instagram friends but thats it. I have no intention of getting back together with him, I love my husband waaaay too much.


Its just eating at me and I feel stressed out. I have been snacking eventough I am on a strict diet to lose 40 pounds. 2-3 times a week I look at his facebook page, but He HAS a girlfriend too. Why is he in my neighborhood?

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Congrats on the marriage!


I would delete him from social media because his presence is surely bothering you. The problem is yours, not his, if you keep checking his facebook. Why is he in your neighborhood? Maybe he got a new job. Who knows. Maybe he saw you and didn't approach because you are broken up and he knows you are married or didn't see you. He doesn't seem like he is trying to interfere in your life if he never approached you.

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Congrats on the marriage!


I would delete him from social media


Thank you! I have considered this but I have known him since 1999 and we have a very special history together and it took me forever to get him to friend me on facebook, I dont want to throw our friendship away.

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It seems to be You who is fostering this friendship through social media. Stop, block and delete.


What does your choice to remain social media friends have to do with stress and diets? He can go anywhere he wants. Avoid him, that's all.

we are facebook, linkedin, and instagram friends but thats it. I am on a strict diet to lose 40 pounds. 2-3 times a week I look at his facebook page
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You are contradicting yourself. "I don't want him in my life".....yet you are checking his Facebook several times a week and "don't want to throw the friendship away". That makes no sense whatsoever!

You sound like you are still hurting and bitter over it. The best way forwards is to block and delete every method of communication. Why are you keeping these communication lines open? You don't have anything to prove to him. You're married - I'm not sure why you are checking another mans social media so often. Put your pride and ego to the floor and realise that you're only a prisoner to your negative feelings as long as you keep feeding into them. Stop putting your attention into him and his business. You dont sound like you are actually over him which is sad. Stop punishing yourself and making it like it's his fault that you saw him. You're in control of your own reactions. Focus on the man who loves you and married you!

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When people in my life "put me through hell" as you put it, I go the other direction and don't look back.

Even with a "special history", have you not yet realized it's time to move on and live your life with your new husband?

I'm sure your husband wouldn't be so keen that you are stalking him on FB 2-3 times a week.

Time to kill all the social media connections with him (for the number of reasons you already know)

and love your husband, and focus on the great goal of your diet.

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OP, you are talking out both sides of your mouth.


You told him to leave you alone. You say you don't want him in your life.


Yet you want to maintain his friendship. You won't delete him from social media.


Which is it?


It doesn't sound like you've actually been friends for some time now. I get that sometimes it feels good for an ex to see how well we're doing so they can eat their heart out a little, but you're a married woman now. You should be well past the point of caring what an ex thinks or trying to hang on to them through social media.


Do you think you might still carry a little flame for this ex?

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@OP, all I got out of your posts is that you still have feelings for your ex. Yes, you say you love your husband way too much, but if that is the case, you wouldn't care what your ex does.


Your ex has the right to be wherever he wants, what does that have to do with you? Why are you questioning the fact that he's in your hometown? Yes, the issue is with you, not your ex. You probably didn't fully get over him. I say it's not too late to start NC and delete him from all social media outlet. Out of sight out of mind! Don't make up any more excuses like you've been friends since 1999.

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About having communication with the ex during my marriage

ohhhhh, gotcha.



a) how frequent and intense has the communication been? like someone a few posts back, i was also under the impression there wasn't much. i mean it doesn't sound to me like you guys have an emotional back and forth between you or like you are actively pining for him. i t seems more like you told yourself a silly little excuse because it feels good to have a cord running from us to someone else that is emotionally sgnificant- even if we are making it out to be more significant than it is. "i have mattered greatly to someone, my energy and his have had a intertwining dance and left hallmarks on our inner landscapes etc excuse the cheesy diction" are ways of empowering our own worth and wanting there to be such a cord does not necessarily mean that we want it to materialize in any way. if this is the case and you can see it as such, then moving on by blicking and closing the doors can be done, because one can continue to feel like they've had significance for the other and vice versa without these external monuments to the significance (online friendships and the like). and although in the territory of fantasy, it's not exactly what i'd call emotional cheating so i don't think you have stuff to fess up to the hubs, except if there is something about the martiage itself that isn't working for you of course.


b) if you mean that you are in fact fostering a stubborn attachment to this man and you married with insufficient grounds or in haste or took the marriage as a consolation prize and don't see yourself ready to clise the door on your ex, then yes, that's a pickle. if b) is the case, i'm sorry to suggest such an annoyingly typical solution, but you might want to talk this through with a counselor.


no haste. breathe, sleep on it, think, discuss here. which is it really? you *can* let go of the ex, if you honestly and sincerely don't want to though, you will want to rephrase your quest so that it gets you responses on handling this in a way that is responsible, objective and fair on everyone.


don't panic. you sound like a smart woman. you'll solve this.

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Thank you! I have considered this but I have known him since 1999 and we have a very special history together and it took me forever to get him to friend me on facebook, I dont want to throw our friendship away.


I knew my ex since 1994. We had a history together. But i blocked him on social media the second he left me. I will not look him up ever again. Just because one has known someone for a long time, doesn't mean they are entitled to us. And why did you keep trying to get him to friend you if you are married?

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Keeping up with exes, maintaining drama and feelings and communication, all needs to stop when you get in a new relationship (even more so when you get married). Really not fair at all to your husband. You say you want the guy to leave you alone, but you're clearly still keeping up with him and wanting to maintain some kind of faux friendship (how can you be friends if you want him to leave you alone?? makes no sense.). Sounds like you thrive on the drama and attention. If you were single then you would only be hurting yourself with this, but since you're married, it needs to stop.

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yo, vespie. use this as a brain dump, seriously. like folks have said, your current sentiment is really contradictory. you were committed, got married, ex texted you and your first reaction was keep your crap i'm married.


you weren't actually interested in having anything to do with the ex up until that point? is what i gather? it was the text that derailed you? and you're suddenly talking about a relevant connection with him and wanting a friendship and posting in the getting back together section.


really clarify with yourself if you have any actual feelings for this guy and an attachment to him per se, or whether your emotional self is playing tricks on you by making him out to be some proof of your capacity to matter greatly to a partner and by making the past relationship out to be proof of the fact you can make great things happen in the emotionally relevant field with others. don't just automatically accept you are hooked on the guy ( who put you through hell) and want back together with him. that is a liad of crock i'm sure and i doubt you'd not be royally pi&&ed with yourself if there was a chance to get back with him and you took it and hated him all over again three days into it and begged for your husband back.


how is the marriage though?

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Block and delete him on everything, alert your family and friends that he may be trying to stalk you if that's what you're afraid of, get ready with going to the cops. He has no business in your life and you owe him nothing. Cut this off at the knees and go full no contact, because telling someone to leave you alone and then keeping them on all your social media just makes no sense and sends mixed messages.


If you're afraid he really is stalking you then read up on what to do, start with "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker and Chapter 11, it's an excellent reference. But otherwise I'm sorry, why are you in touch with this guy at all.


He's an ex. Nothing in the universe I ever read about, heard, or saw written in the stars says, "Thou shalt remain friends with all of thy exes or perish in the fiery pits of you know where."


Quite the opposite, really for most.

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* You're married


* Your ex has "put you through hell" and you have told him you are married and to leave you alone.


* You don't want him in your life.


* Then you say you "don't want to throw the friendship away ... and you stalk his facebook a few times a week.


* You say you love your husband way too much.


Yet, you post this in "Getting Back Together" ???


OP, you are a walking contradiction and that's putting it mildly (sorry). Your posts scream "I am still very into my ex and would love to hang around with him ... but I am married, what do I do?" If you don't want him in your life, told him to leave you alone, love your husband as much as you claim you do, why on earth are you posting this in "Getting Back Together" ?

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Vesper, what is your goal? What is it you want?


I was initially mad at my ex but I thought it is better to see everything as water under the bridge and stay friends. I am posting in the getting back together section because I am confused a bit but I know I love my husband and just want to stay connected to ex through social media. He posts pictures of him and his girlfriend and I am truly happy for him. I want a relationship with him because he helped me through my divorce (I was married before) and he's always been there for me. I want to begin and 'innocent' friendship with him. Is that so wrong? Can't I post in the getting back together section for those reasons. WHO GAVE THIS THREAD 1 star to bump me down

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