So am I delusional in believing there could still be hope?

[SadPanda78]

First off, thank you for reading my post.

 

Here's a synopsis of my situation:

 

I've known this girl from our social circles for about a year and met at random social gatherings. A little over a month ago we saw each other at another social event and exchanged numbers and started texting pretty regularly. (Important context: she had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship at the end of 2016 ) After about a week, I decided to ask her out which she accepted. Dates were fun, things were going well and progressed to physical intimacy. After about two weeks, she had left the country for work for ~10 days or so.

 

Upon her return, we saw each other two more times, but things between us didn't seem the same...there was just a different vibe. So one day she mentioned she didn't want to be in an exclusive relationship, (which was her way of saying she needed some space, but was not apparent to me) Outcome is that I was moving too fast with my emotions and the frequency in which I planned too see each other whereas she wanted something more casual and got the dreaded we're looking for two diff things, so let's just remain friends text on Sunday.

 

So we only dated for a little over a month, and while it is a short period of time, she is someone I really liked and enjoyed spending time with and ultimately it still stings. So given the situation, I see this as bad timing. She came out of a long term thing, probably still trying to get over it (esp if you go by the rule of thumb one month for every year you were together). Am I a complete fool to think that I can stay friendly with her and attempt to revisit starting this back up in the future?

 

Appreciate any/all feedback.

[ManyDates]

A 4 year relationship is going to take her far more than 4 months to get over. You were the rebound guy, an escape - now she needs time to herself to get over the ex, which in reality could be 1-2 years. Chalk it up to bad timing and move on.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, she's still hung up on the ex or wants her freedom right now to date around. No, don't be the rebound in the friendzone. Just go no contact and let her process this without you holding her hand when she gives you the "need space" excuse.

[SadPanda78]

Appreciate the input.

 

So just to clarify the no contact thing...don't respond even if she initiates?

[SadPanda78]

So another quick question. And this may be obvious to many, and I'll just consider myself a bit dense...when the entire "let's be friend's" convo happened...I didn't once make an attempt to have her reconsider.

 

Was this a miss on my part, or was it the right thing to do as to not come across too needy? It's a learning experience but figure I try to extract all possible data points from it and move on.

 

Thanks again for listening.

[ManyDates]

The "lets just be friends" can have multiple meanings, from "get lost" to "I want to keep you around until I am over my ex". Just tell her you know break ups are tough and if she wants, can get in touch with you when she has had time to get over it. DO NOT stick around and friend zone yourself. Leave, with the ball in her court.

[SadPanda78]

The "lets just be friends" can have multiple meanings, from "get lost" to "I want to keep you around until I am over my ex". Just tell her you know break ups are tough and if she wants, can get in touch with you when she has had time to get over it. DO NOT stick around and friend zone yourself. Leave, with the ball in her court.

 

Thanks for the feedback. I think what you're saying makes sense. I guess back to my original question, should I have said something to try and change her mind? Been out of the dating scene for a LONG time, and trying to get a better grasp of the landscape these days.

 

Also- by leaving the ball in her court...does that come across as needy?

[cousin]

Almost every person will tell you to go no contact. I believe a woman can change her mind. I had a girlfriend dump me then take me back. Don't give up hope. You have to talk to other people though. Dating is often about timing.

[king99]

Yes, okay, a four year relation is going to take a very long time to get over, but my short answer, no, you are not a complete fool.

 

If I was in her shoes, and if I felt attracted to you and enjoyed spending time with you as you do her, I would have done the same thing. After being with someone for 4 years you tend to forget how to do things without them or with someone else (it must have been a very co-dependant relationship) WHICH IS TOTALLY NORMAL. So, she probably wasn't sure how to handle the situation and, if she is anything like myself, probably thought about it so so much while she was away. That's a good thing! It means she was thinking of you and considering your feelings before she made the decision of not wanting to be exclusive. That sounds like a way for her to feel more comfortable spending time with you without it feeling like a huge commitment, because she is probably in much need of a break from that right now.

 

So, what I think is that you should be very understanding, tell her you get it, that you're cool with it, and don't smother her of course if she is asking for space, but don't cut yourself off from her either. Be friends, hangout, go on dates like before but make her feel comfortable like she isn;t being roped into another very serious relationship. Just for now, and then you can see where things go.

[90_hour_sleep]

doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the ex. people often feel the pangs of loneliness, without any sort of attachment to a particular person. rebounds don't correspond to ''replacement''...but rather a need to fill a feeling of emptiness. it's a subtle difference. and the time it takes to ''move on'' is highly subjective. some people move on months (sometimes even years) before a relationship ends. and in the initial wake of separation, they may feel like they're ready for something fresh...but eventually a dose of perspective will trigger a reminder that being single can be a wonderful opportunity after a stale relationship.

 

bottom line...if you're not okay with something casual, then it's time to take a step back. she could've strung you along indefinitely, so give her some credit for telling you where she was at...pretty clearly.

 

you've got a great attitude, in my opinion. seems you've got your eyes open, and are willing to learn from your experience.

[ManyDates]

Thanks for the feedback. I think what you're saying makes sense. I guess back to my original question, should I have said something to try and change her mind? Been out of the dating scene for a LONG time, and trying to get a better grasp of the landscape these days.

 

Also- by leaving the ball in her court...does that come across as needy?

 

No, needy is begging her to change her mind, hanging around like a fool - leave after giving her an invitation to get in contact with you once she's had some time to herself. Then never contact her again - you are rewarding her with your absence, which can create desire from her to reach out and see you again.

[cousin]

No, needy is begging her to change her mind, hanging around like a fool - leave after giving her an invitation to get in contact with you once she's had some time to herself. Then never contact her again - you are rewarding her with your absence, which can create desire from her to reach out and see you again.

 

Yeah. She will text you someday. They always do in my case. Might be a month, might be a year. Maybe the timing will be better that time around.

[SadPanda78]

doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the ex. people often feel the pangs of loneliness, without any sort of attachment to a particular person. rebounds don't correspond to ''replacement''...but rather a need to fill a feeling of emptiness. it's a subtle difference. and the time it takes to ''move on'' is highly subjective. some people move on months (sometimes even years) before a relationship ends. and in the initial wake of separation, they may feel like they're ready for something fresh...but eventually a dose of perspective will trigger a reminder that being single can be a wonderful opportunity after a stale relationship.

 

bottom line...if you're not okay with something casual, then it's time to take a step back. she could've strung you along indefinitely, so give her some credit for telling you where she was at...pretty clearly.

 

you've got a great attitude, in my opinion. seems you've got your eyes open, and are willing to learn from your experience.

 

I think everything you said is insightful and I appreciate it. Tbh, I got way over invested emotionally given the situation and is something I need to work on to prevent a reoccurrence. This is pretty fresh, so I do struggle with wondering if something is better than nothing. Sitting here alone vs hanging out with her is no fun. But ultimately settling is never a good idea and I need to believe that I deserve more and that ultimately I will meet the right person.

[SadPanda78]

No, needy is begging her to change her mind, hanging around like a fool - leave after giving her an invitation to get in contact with you once she's had some time to herself. Then never contact her again - you are rewarding her with your absence, which can create desire from her to reach out and see you again.

 

This all makes sense. The challenge is that we both are in the same circle of friends so 100% avoidance is not guaranteed. I know things will get better with time..it almost always does. Just need to navigate my way through the current hurt...

 

Thanks for the input.

[SadPanda78]

Yeah. She will text you someday. They always do in my case. Might be a month, might be a year. Maybe the timing will be better that time around.

 

For context, I've known her for over a year, where we've hung out at social gatherings on numerous occasions and it wasn't until the end of Jan where we started seeing each other. Anyway, I really believe that she thinks we can remain friends. She had texted me on Weds about a TV show we both watch and exchanged a few more after and that's been it. Haven't heard from her since. Probably for the better w/r/t my own mental well being.

[jujusamples]

This all makes sense. The challenge is that we both are in the same circle of friends so 100% avoidance is not guaranteed. I know things will get better with time..it almost always does. Just need to navigate my way through the current hurt...

 

Thanks for the input.

 

Timing is everything and I believe it's just bad timing in your case. A 4 year relationship could take a long time to get over. I wouldn't wait around for her. I know it's hard to do N/C because of your circle of friends but you could try to let your friends know what you are going through and it will be tough to see her at this moment. If you have really strong feelings for her, seeing her is just going to hurt you so much more.

[SadPanda78]

Yes, okay, a four year relation is going to take a very long time to get over, but my short answer, no, you are not a complete fool.

 

If I was in her shoes, and if I felt attracted to you and enjoyed spending time with you as you do her, I would have done the same thing. After being with someone for 4 years you tend to forget how to do things without them or with someone else (it must have been a very co-dependant relationship) WHICH IS TOTALLY NORMAL. So, she probably wasn't sure how to handle the situation and, if she is anything like myself, probably thought about it so so much while she was away. That's a good thing! It means she was thinking of you and considering your feelings before she made the decision of not wanting to be exclusive. That sounds like a way for her to feel more comfortable spending time with you without it feeling like a huge commitment, because she is probably in much need of a break from that right now.

 

So, what I think is that you should be very understanding, tell her you get it, that you're cool with it, and don't smother her of course if she is asking for space, but don't cut yourself off from her either. Be friends, hangout, go on dates like before but make her feel comfortable like she isn;t being roped into another very serious relationship. Just for now, and then you can see where things go.

 

Thank you for responding. For some reason, I have no idea how I missed your post, and just read it today. I think a lot the things you mentioned paint a rosy picture and differ from many of the points of view offered up in this forum. Many feel when a girl says "let's be friends" it is over. Seems like you have a different opinion, which is interesting. So far I've been 6 days no contact.

 

I admittedly fell way too hard and got more emotionally invested than she did. I think I'd have to detach myself emotionally for your approach to work