I feel like my feelings don't matter

[Genna]

My bf kind of rescued me from a life that consisted of merely existing. I was in a terrible position and he stuck with me and got me out of it. Now, a year later he has changed. I don't know if I haven't set up to his standards, if it's because of my weight gain, he doesn't seem to be interested in me at all anymore like he used to be. I recently moved in with him and now I feel helpless and he makes these little jokes that really hurt. I've tried to talk to him but he doesn't seem to care. I have come a long way and I feel like he thinks I owe him my life. Any advice??

[gebaird]

Don't stay because you owe him a life debt (you don't). He got his reward when you became his girlfriend. I don't care if you weigh 3000 pounds, the guy should treat you with respect.

 

If you've tried to fix the relationship and can't, I'd consider walking away. Do you have a job or somewhere to go?

[rmo22]

Nobody "owes" anybody anything in a relationship. That's not how it works. What kind of jokes does he make?

[j.man]

How much weight have you gained?

What kind of jokes does he make?

What are you trying to "talk to him" about? Does him "getting you out of the terrible position" entail having been an emotional crutch / anchor? If so, are you still emotionally dependent on him?

 

Only so much advice we can give based on a vague, three-line paragraph.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately the jokes are not funny if they are hurtful. Move out if they are snide or abusive. However it's not his job to keep 'rescuing you' from yourself..You sound depressed and upset.

 

A partner can be supportive but you must be responsible for your own well being . That includes physical and mental health. It includes seeing a doctor regarding your physical health, fitness, weight and emotional situation. Do you work? You seem to describe this as if he took you in?

 

You need therapy, diet and fitness support groups, getting involved in your own life including clubs, activities, classes, lessons, volunteering, friends, family, etc. He never said "you owe him" you are assuming that, right?.

My bf kind of rescued me from a life that consisted of merely existing.I recently moved in with him and now I feel helpless and he makes these little jokes that really hurt. I've tried to talk to him but he doesn't seem to care. I feel like he thinks I owe him my life

[Genna]

It involved many aspects from a bad relationship and drugs and working at a bar that was pretty much nothing short of a dirty hole in the wall. I'd say I have gained a good 80 pounds at least. As far as the jokes he calls me mentally challenged things like that thinking that it's funny I certainly do battle with my demons and I do suffer from depression PTSD and anxiety and seeking help. He used to look at me differently and let me know how much I meant to him now it's like he wants nothing to do with me. I feel like he treats me more like a child than A partner. I've made several threats to leave and he does not argue the situation because he knows I have no job or money. I hate the fact that I've become dependent on him the one thing I can say from my past is I was in charge of it so to speak, not as far as the drugs etc. were concerned but I felt more independent because I knew as terrible as it sounds I could have any man that I wanted but my heart lead me to him not for money reasons because he's nowhere near rich but I literally fell in love with this man. The attention he gave me the way he made me feel I was in a very naïve position and although I try to keep my walls up as much as I could they came shattering down and now here I am backed into a corner. I've tried talking to him about the fact that I miss the old person that I fell in love with and his response is usually what do you expect of me and if I'm not happy I can leave. For example last night I asked him can we cuddle the way we used to and he basically told me in so many words he wasn't interested so I put my earbuds in and turn the other way and went to bed silently crying myself to sleep. I'm definitely no angel in this situation but I know that I don't deserve to be treated in certain ways there are things that I have done to make him not be able to fully trust me but I want to get past all of that and get back to where we should be where we were but better.

[Genna]

Unfortunately the jokes are not funny if they are hurtful. Move out if they are snide or abusive. However it's not his job to keep 'rescuing you' from yourself..You sound depressed and upset.

 

A partner can be supportive but you must be responsible for your own well being . That includes physical and mental health. It includes seeing a doctor regarding your physical health, fitness, weight and emotional situation. Do you work? You seem to describe this as if he took you in?

 

You need therapy, diet and fitness support groups, getting involved in your own life including clubs, activities, classes, lessons, volunteering, friends, family, etc. He never said "you owe him" you are assuming that, right?.

 

You are so right and he says the same that I need my own life it's just so hard because the life that I had before the friends that I thought I had were not my actual friends. And no he has never said that I owe him anything it's just something that I feel

[Genna]

He had told one of my best friends in confidence that at one point I was showing that I was able to be independent and strong and he actually liked to seen that side of me I'm trying to find it and keep it.I absolutely hate sounding and feeling so desperate but I am trying my best to find ways to turn things around on my end.

[abitbroken]

He is an abusive or at least very codependent man who found a vulnerable woman - he can feel like the big man to dust you off and fix you up and have someone he can easily control. Please move out as fast as you can.

[j.man]

So what, he's just springing up randomly over dinner, "Wanna hear a good joke? You're mentally challenged?" Or are we talking like when my girlfriend called me an idiot in jest the other night because I accidentally put the box of spaghetti in the fridge instead of the opened pasta sauce?

 

In any case, knowing you've got "demons" that I'm sure don't often manifest themselves well, I'm hesitant to say you're in an abusive relationship. Codependent most certainly. A healthy man doesn't put himself in this situation. Especially considering he's confided in someone mentioning he liked your strength, I'm not certain he chose you to keep you under his wing, as much as he may have enjoyed the role of White Knight at the beginning. And now 80 pounds later with no job, living off him, I'm not sure how he's going to see you as much else than a child. Not excusing it, but also not necessarily blaming it.

 

The best thing I can suggest is to go full on GoogleFu and search for any sort of social service or public assistance you can get to get you back on your feet. Being in a codependent relationship isn't going to do your mental health any favors, and now with the weight gain, your physical health is going to take a toll. I wish you the best. Know that you're not stuck.

 

What were you doing and where were you living before this man? Do you have family you can go to?

[Wiseman2]

What you are feeling is guilt. Agree you need to get on your feet and not depend on friends or family or him.

I need my own life it's just so hard. he has never said that I owe him anything it's just something that I feel

[Genna]

So what, he's just springing up randomly over dinner, "Wanna hear a good joke? You're mentally challenged?" Or are we talking like when my girlfriend called me an idiot in jest the other night because I accidentally put the box of spaghetti in the fridge instead of the opened pasta sauce?

 

In any case, knowing you've got "demons" that I'm sure don't often manifest themselves well, I'm hesitant to say you're in an abusive relationship. Codependent most certainly. A healthy man doesn't put himself in this situation. Especially considering he's confided in someone mentioning he liked your strength, I'm not certain he chose you to keep you under his wing, as much as he may have enjoyed the role of White Knight at the beginning. And now 80 pounds later with no job, living off him, I'm not sure how he's going to see you as much else than a child. Not excusing it, but also not necessarily blaming it.

 

The best thing I can suggest is to go full on GoogleFu and search for any sort of social service or public assistance you can get to get you back on your feet. Being in a codependent relationship isn't going to do your mental health any favors, and now with the weight gain, your physical health is going to take a toll. I wish you the best. Know that you're not stuck.

 

What were you doing and where were you living before this man? Do you have family you can go to?

 

What you are saying makes perfect sense. I have recently started (about two months ago) A workout and diet plan to get my self back in shape. As far as the jokes their stupid little things that he knows set me off andhe basically just does it to get a rise out of me which usually works. I was actually working in a bar when we met. And the only well-paying study job I had just recently laid me off due to lack of work. I do have an interview on Friday.

[Genna]

He is an abusive or at least very codependent man who found a vulnerable woman - he can feel like the big man to dust you off and fix you up and have someone he can easily control. Please move out as fast as you can.

 

I have thought the same but I just feel like if I can regain the independence and confidence I once had this could possibly work.

[Genna]

So what, he's just springing up randomly over dinner, "Wanna hear a good joke? You're mentally challenged?" Or are we talking like when my girlfriend called me an idiot in jest the other night because I accidentally put the box of spaghetti in the fridge instead of the opened pasta sauce?

 

In any case, knowing you've got "demons" that I'm sure don't often manifest themselves well, I'm hesitant to say you're in an abusive relationship. Codependent most certainly. A healthy man doesn't put himself in this situation. Especially considering he's confided in someone mentioning he liked your strength, I'm not certain he chose you to keep you under his wing, as much as he may have enjoyed the role of White Knight at the beginning. And now 80 pounds later with no job, living off him, I'm not sure how he's going to see you as much else than a child. Not excusing it, but also not necessarily blaming it.

 

The best thing I can suggest is to go full on GoogleFu and search for any sort of social service or public assistance you can get to get you back on your feet. Being in a codependent relationship isn't going to do your mental health any favors, and now with the weight gain, your physical health is going to take a toll. I wish you the best. Know that you're not stuck.

[Genna]

Sorry the newbie here can't figure out what I'm doing as far as replying. To all thank you so much for taking the time to listen and advise. My biggest issue is when he just dismisses me. Acts as if I'm not here. No communication and doesn't want to hear what I have to say because I tend to talk about my past. He's brutally honest but I suppose that's why I need to find counseling or seek someone I can talk to. Thank you all again I'll keep you posted!

[SherrySher]

If and when you do start back to find your independence and get back on your feet, do it for YOU, not for him. Don't allow yourself to be under this man's thumb anymore.

It might take a while and it might be slow going, you might have days where you are two steps forward and ten steps back, but don't give up on yourself.

 

You can lose the weight and find a job so you don't feel so badly about yourself and this man can't take control of your emotions anymore like he has.

I really do hope you can find a good counsellor as well, it will also make a difference.

Yes, please keep us posted, we are all cheering you on!

[Genna]

Thank you so much. I'm taking this as a lesson to make myself better for me myself and I. Thank you again for your kind and supportive words. Really means more than u know!

[gebaird]

My biggest issue is when he just dismisses me. Acts as if I'm not here. No communication and doesn't want to hear what I have to say because I tend to talk about my past. He's brutally honest but I suppose that's why I need to find counseling or seek someone I can talk to.

 

Sorry you are in this situation, Genna. Keep doing what you can to move forward, and know that his treatment of you does not define you. Counseling could definitely help you get your self-esteem back and start making positive changes. You've obviously had a pretty rough past, but your future can be bright.

 

Take care of yourself and keep fighting.

[Genna]

So we had a talk and did get to the root of the problem. As I listened and took it all in. I'm focusing my energy on positive things and will be doing my part to be an even better version of the person he fell in love with. Not for him but for myself. Things have been better already, we laugh more which we hadn't done in so long. This is going to be a long process I'm sure. Each day is a new opportunity to do something better!