Help me understand my feelings.

[Raygirl]

I'm now 29 years old. When I was 19 I met a man while at work. The instant chemistry was beyond what words could explain; I'm not sure if "love at first site" is a real thing, but if so then this was definitely it (for me at least). We had a thing going for a while but unfortunately he moved to Australia to be with his mum, dad and sister who had already moved there. We've kept contact ever since and had some pretty intense and often sexual conversations (regardless of being in relationships with other people). None of my friends or family know of this secret love I have. He's now married with a young son (and I'm also in a long term relationship) but still we've not been able to hold out from contacting for more than a couple weeks at a time. We agreed this morning to try and knock it on the head as we know it is wrong. Naturally though, I'm devastated and it's been seriously testing to avoid picking up the phone to send him another message. I've never felt the feelings he made me feel and doubt I will feel them again. Was it really love and worth fighting for, or was it all just a stupid 10 year fantasy? I'm hoping to go with friends to Sydney at the end of the year, shall I try to make contact or should i leave him alone? Maybe if I meet him again it will help me know? Any advise much appreciated. Please don't make harsh judgements of me though, I'm sensitive! X

[gebaird]

What might happen if his wife discovers your messages, or catches him meeting/calling you? Those who have walked that road will readily tell you it isn't worth it. Best to leave the past in the past.

[youngwoman]

Have you forgotten you're in a relationship? Disrespectful to your partner. I'd dump ya if I found out.

[Twinflamer]

Should you contact him while in Sydney?

Uhhhh......NO!

A big emphatic NO!!!!

You are in a serious relationship, and he is MARRIED-are you seriously asking this question?!?

Of course its just a fantasy. Have you two lived together? Shared bills together? Experienced life struggles together? No, you have not because you don't live with him and aren't together nor committed. It is now, primarily an emotional affair over the phone, with absolutely no basis in reality. And if it's not based in reality-it is by definition; fantasy.

 

Do yourself a favor- pick your self esteem, self worth, up off the ground, and be a responsible, mature, honest woman. You're almost 30 years old-you aren't a teenager anymore, so stop acting like it. Or at the very least; break up with your boyfriend, so he can find someone who won't take him for granted and cheat on him for years at a time.

Your ex will not leave his wife and young child for you. He made that abundantly clear. So why on earth would you want to carry on this affair and hurt yourself more in the process by visiting him in Sydney?

 

Wake up. Have some clarity in your life & go no contact with your teenage ex. You're wasting your time, & in the mean time, hurting and betraying your current boyfriend. Good luck & do the right thing.

[Clio]

I've never felt the feelings he made me feel and doubt I will feel them again.

 

Was it really love and worth fighting for, or was it all just a stupid 10 year fantasy?

 

It's a 10 year fantasy. The feelings you felt are not really about him, not the REAL him anyway. He didn't make you feel any of these feeling, YOU did through the narrative that you created about him in your head. In your fantasy, he is perfect. However, cheating on his wife, with a young kid in the mix, indicates that he is FAR from that. He is a liar and a cheater. It's just that you didn't get the chance to experience it first hand. This is a man that you never got to take off the pedestal. And that's all. If it was real love, BOTH of you would have fought for it long BEFORE getting to this point. Instead he chose to move away and to get married to another woman. That alone should tell you that there is no real love on his part. Your love is not really reciprocated, and meeting him will not change that. He asked to be left alone. If it was real love, BOTH of you would want to fight for it, not just you. In addition, there is a big chance that you are using this fantasy to sweep your real-life problems under the rug, so to speak. The real problem in cases like yours is that you feel unfulfilled in your everyday life/ something is missing or stressful and he provides you with an escape to fantasy land, where you don't have to deal with the real problem(s).

[Mari]

I'm now 29 years old. When I was 19 I met a man while at work. The instant chemistry was beyond what words could explain; I'm not sure if "love at first site" is a real thing, but if so then this was definitely it (for me at least). We had a thing going for a while but unfortunately he moved to Australia to be with his mum, dad and sister who had already moved there. We've kept contact ever since and had some pretty intense and often sexual conversations (regardless of being in relationships with other people). None of my friends or family know of this secret love I have. He's now married with a young son (and I'm also in a long term relationship) but still we've not been able to hold out from contacting for more than a couple weeks at a time. We agreed this morning to try and knock it on the head as we know it is wrong. Naturally though, I'm devastated and it's been seriously testing to avoid picking up the phone to send him another message. I've never felt the feelings he made me feel and doubt I will feel them again. Was it really love and worth fighting for, or was it all just a stupid 10 year fantasy? I'm hoping to go with friends to Sydney at the end of the year, shall I try to make contact or should i leave him alone? Maybe if I meet him again it will help me know? Any advise much appreciated. Please don't make harsh judgements of me though, I'm sensitive! X

 

There's an initial feeling you get when you meet someone as to how attracted you are to them. The intensity and duration of this feeling for the first two years of the relationship help in keeping the relationship together for several years afterwards. For you, these feelings were the highest with this guy and it's possible that the same is true for him. But for both of you, life happened and you two weren't able to get together. Where this stands now is that although it would've been possible to create a stable relationship, pursuing it now just detracts from each others long term relationships. And this is primarily why it would be better to end it. He has a son and pursuing you would create a situation where he needs custody for his son and he would have difficulty pleasing you when he's splitting time with his son and having his ex in his life.

 

Your feelings though, may be because you're approaching 30 and you haven't felt this way about anyone else. You don't have kids so pursuing him would also be easier for you. I would say what you're feeling is losing him, and losing the hope of meeting someone that you felt really attracted to, who feels the same for you. I'm sorry you're going through this loss, it's not easy. Whether to meet him or not is up to you and what your intentions are. I would've met such a person because it would help me get closure that they have settled in life with someone that's not me. It would be like going to the dock and watching the ship sail away so it really sinks in that the ship has sailed. If you're hoping to rekindle a relationship it's not going to be the same with a kid now and hurting his wife isn't a great idea either.

[Pretzel]

I'm inclined to agree with the above, I'm afraid.

 

Are you not feeling fulfilled from your current relationship?

 

When you're with someone who is a good person who you are invested in and fancy and are into, why waste your time with messaging someone from your past? This is me speaking personally but I will never get that.