Should I forgive? Will I ever feel better? I need some advice!

[mermaidmary21]

My name is Mary. This is my first post on Not Alone, I really would like some advice on an issue with my significant other. I feel that I am unable to talk to friends and family about this issue because they will no longer like my significant other- I would like some honest advice and would greatly appreciate any comments (: thank you so much for taking the time to read and help me in advance (:

 

A little background info (before I get into the problem) I am 23 years old about to graduate college this spring. I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend (lets call him 'A') for over 3 and a half years now. We both go to different universities (an hour apart) and make an effort to see each other every weekend. He treats me like a princess- he always puts me before anything else (in a healthy way still sees his friends and family!) but always wishes to be with me. He is extremely polite and is very committed to me. He compliments me, treats my friends and family amazing, and makes me feel so special and important. I really think he is the one I love him more than anything and I am very happy with him!

 

Although- he has a flaw. He lies to me sometimes... NEVER about cheating and I know for a fact since I was very close with his friends (they are practically like my friends too) and they always tell me how much he loves me (some of them call me the mrs.) although I have caught him in small lies that make me wonder if the lies are okay and should be forgiven? Or if he actually won't change? I am not sure I would like your advice. He has lied in the past our first year of dating about hanging out with girls and not telling me about it.. ( i am over that i THOUGHT he matured)... but thats in the past I would like to focus on the NOW.

 

He went away on a school/field related trip over seas to do research recently. I wanted to know who was going on the trip ( i get a little jealous sometimes kiddingly *so does he!* and I was just wondering how many girls and guys were going you know! you need to know these things!...) and he told me that 4 guys and 4 girls were going. As the date got closer... he left and i trusted him. He messaged me when I was away frequently. Though as he was coming home, one of his buddies that I follow on social media posted a picture of the 'crew' that went and I noticed that only 4 guys went and 6 girls went. I was EXTREMELY upset that he lied to me... because he assured me before he left I KNEW who was going. I felt tricked... and I kinda freaked out. He claimed at first that he 'got confused' who was going.. then lated said he didn't want to tell me because he thought I would be upset? I was so upset he lied! If he told me off the bat who was going, I would have accepted it. He also claims that he didn't talk to any girls the entire time just kinda kept to himself (cause now that I found out he lied about how many girls he knows I am paranoid he may have lied for a reason...) I feel like this isn't true either- if he is away on a trip i am sure he is friendly with everyone right?!- I was upset about this because he lied to me.

 

IRONICALLY.... about two weeks later... *Long story short*- there was this girl 3 years ago named 'S' and she would flirt with my boyfriend 'A' and she made me uncomfortable to the point where he kinda had to not be close with her anymore... definitely friendly but not hangout kinda friends-

 

That being said... SO over the summer he told me 'S' texted him about something but he was NOT going to reply because he did not care about her. I said- ' are you sure you dont want to respond to her? you can.. i said you absolutely can and maybe should!!! and he said 'no'.... so BACK to the IRONICALLY... two weeks later...

 

 

Right after I found out about the lying girls thing... he was on his phone and I saw her name in his messages from over the summer I asked for him to click on it and there it was... he DID text her over the summer after he said he wouldn't and promised me if he did he would tell me!

 

A few other things hes lied about: he lied about double majoring for the past 3 years to me... and I knew about it but kept quiet and recently just told him I KNEW he was only majoring in one subject not two.. Which really upset me.

 

He claims that hes 'lied' about his life because 1. hes insecure about himself (he thinks hes not good enough for me?) and likes to 'impress me'.

 

We have had many serious conversations me telling him if he keeps lying to me I will never trust him AGAIN. He swears he won't again.. he swears no matter the circumstances he won't he doesn't want to loose me. Although... like I mentioned he lied to me our first year of dating and 'swore' then too?

 

I am not sure what to do.... I do not know if I am over reacting or if this is really serious. I do really love him.. but at times recently I get very angry still inside about it. I do love him and think he is the one... although is there any advice anyone could give me?

 

I greatly appreciate it thank you so much.

[gebaird]

It sounds to me like he is lying to win your approval or avoid your anger. He is afraid if he tells you the truth, you will be upset or stop loving him and want to break up. He COULD be covering up something more, but I don't think so.

 

If you want to continue to be in a relationship with him, make it as safe as possible for him to tell the truth. Don't nag, question, or push him for details, even in a kidding way. It just makes you look needy and insecure. So he went on a trip with 6 girls instead of 4; honestly, I don't see the problem here other than the fact that you are creating problems.

[catfeeder]

Sounds as though you monitor the details of BF's life to the degree that he views you in more of a parental role than is healthy (or sexy). If you treat someone as a child, they behave like one--and what does every kid do with their parents at some point? They lie to avoid the problems that come with truthing.

 

Not saying it's right to lie, but I'd be less concerned with that than viewing it as a symptom of a bigger problem--the overall dynamic of your relationship.

 

Other things kids do with an overbearing parent is rebel, outgrow parental control and leave.

[nutbrownhare]

Yes, I have to say that it's not really relevant how many girls went on that trip, if you trust him not to cheat. In fact, if you had worries in that direction, one girl would have been sufficient. The real problem is your response to him.

 

By your own admission you are paranoid. The only person who can deal with this is you; nobody else can cure it for you, any more than they can eat or sleep for you. Eventually your guy will get so fed up with being policed and monitored that he'll leave. There's nothing immature about hanging out with girls as friends.

 

It would be a good idea to work on your own self esteem and sense of security, with professional help if necessary, as it will make you much more comfortable no matter who your partner was. The other thing is that if you had a better sense of your own value system, the question of whether or not to forgive him would be very, very clear.