cdnchick Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Hi all. I'm new here and have read through a few of the posts and you all seem like fairly reasonable people so hopefully you can help me out. I apologize in advance if my thoughts are all over the place, I am really in a confused zone right now. I'm a divorced female (47) living with my boyfriend of about 3 1/2 year. He is a wonderful person, caring, very easy going, great with my kids. We got together almost immediately after my ex H and I separated, he just kind of popped into my life and hasn't left. We never really did the "dating" thing nor was there a whole lot of romance or spark, love grew slowly but surely. I am having a difficult time lately trying to decide if he is the man for me. On one hand he is so easy going but on the other hand, I really feel like I am missing something in the relationship. We don't have a lot of common interests, I go along with whatever he wants to do and he will tag along with some of the things I want to do but I'm usually more happy doing my things on my own. I find myself focusing more on the negative aspects of him lately than the positive. I try really very hard to focus on positive but I keep thinking am I going to be able to handle these negative things for the rest of my life. He is very much against getting married, I thought that maybe I didn't want to get married again either but lately I'm thinking more that I might if I was with the right person. I don't want to settle, I don't know that I am settling. I do know that just a few short months before I got married, I knew I was making a mistake. I stuck with the mistake for 14 years and 2 kids, it was an emotional roller coaster with much mental abuse from him. I worry that my current b/f was like my crutch after my marriage. When we first met I did have to pursue him a fair bit. He was looking for a drama free relationship and I certainly was not that. I guess my persistence paid off and he loves me fully and accepts all my baggage that I still continue to carry around with me at times (handicap children, deranged exH, some insecurities on my end due to abuse). Now to really complicate things. I have recently met another man who I feel a definite spark with. We have so much in common, from how we were raised to mutual interests and hobbies. He is aware I am in a relationship and respects that but I also know he is very much interested in me. We chat frequently and have met for a coffee once, always stating it is as friends. It is sometimes hard to keep him in the friend zone but he is so amazing that I don't want to not have him as part of my life. I would never cross the line while with my current b/f out of respect for him and for myself. I realize that the spark always fades and if there is love there then a relationship can continue to grow. But what if there never was a spark? I don't know that I am even super attracted to my b/f. Sex isn't great, he's somewhat proud of the fact that he isn't a romantic and I think I need that. I need to feel the love, feel that my partner isn't complacent and just going with the flow of things. I know he loves me but I also know he doesn't like to upset the apple cart and he hates being alone so if he is comfortable he would never make a change in his life. If it isn't broken, don't fix it, and he thinks everything is fine with the exception of his low sex drive. He obviously hates his low sex drive but in all honestly I don't care if it's low or not because it's not great when he can do it anyways. So to summarize, I guess what I'm looking for is the opinion or advice on what you all think about a relationship with no common interests and no spark. Is it possible to make a happy life that way? Am I settling? Sometimes I think I'd be better of alone then to settle with someone who I'm only partially happy with. I do love him but it is a comfortable love that I would expect when I'm 80, not at my age. Link to comment
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