Not sure what to do

[cdnchick]

Hi all. I'm new here and have read through a few of the posts and you all seem like fairly reasonable people so hopefully you can help me out. I apologize in advance if my thoughts are all over the place, I am really in a confused zone right now.

 

I'm a divorced female (47) living with my boyfriend of about 3 1/2 year. He is a wonderful person, caring, very easy going, great with my kids. We got together almost immediately after my ex H and I separated, he just kind of popped into my life and hasn't left. We never really did the "dating" thing nor was there a whole lot of romance or spark, love grew slowly but surely. I am having a difficult time lately trying to decide if he is the man for me. On one hand he is so easy going but on the other hand, I really feel like I am missing something in the relationship. We don't have a lot of common interests, I go along with whatever he wants to do and he will tag along with some of the things I want to do but I'm usually more happy doing my things on my own. I find myself focusing more on the negative aspects of him lately than the positive. I try really very hard to focus on positive but I keep thinking am I going to be able to handle these negative things for the rest of my life.

 

He is very much against getting married, I thought that maybe I didn't want to get married again either but lately I'm thinking more that I might if I was with the right person. I don't want to settle, I don't know that I am settling. I do know that just a few short months before I got married, I knew I was making a mistake. I stuck with the mistake for 14 years and 2 kids, it was an emotional roller coaster with much mental abuse from him. I worry that my current b/f was like my crutch after my marriage. When we first met I did have to pursue him a fair bit. He was looking for a drama free relationship and I certainly was not that. I guess my persistence paid off and he loves me fully and accepts all my baggage that I still continue to carry around with me at times (handicap children, deranged exH, some insecurities on my end due to abuse).

 

Now to really complicate things. I have recently met another man who I feel a definite spark with. We have so much in common, from how we were raised to mutual interests and hobbies. He is aware I am in a relationship and respects that but I also know he is very much interested in me. We chat frequently and have met for a coffee once, always stating it is as friends. It is sometimes hard to keep him in the friend zone but he is so amazing that I don't want to not have him as part of my life. I would never cross the line while with my current b/f out of respect for him and for myself.

 

I realize that the spark always fades and if there is love there then a relationship can continue to grow. But what if there never was a spark? I don't know that I am even super attracted to my b/f. Sex isn't great, he's somewhat proud of the fact that he isn't a romantic and I think I need that. I need to feel the love, feel that my partner isn't complacent and just going with the flow of things. I know he loves me but I also know he doesn't like to upset the apple cart and he hates being alone so if he is comfortable he would never make a change in his life. If it isn't broken, don't fix it, and he thinks everything is fine with the exception of his low sex drive. He obviously hates his low sex drive but in all honestly I don't care if it's low or not because it's not great when he can do it anyways.

 

So to summarize, I guess what I'm looking for is the opinion or advice on what you all think about a relationship with no common interests and no spark. Is it possible to make a happy life that way? Am I settling? Sometimes I think I'd be better of alone then to settle with someone who I'm only partially happy with. I do love him but it is a comfortable love that I would expect when I'm 80, not at my age.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Agree it sounds like he is a rebound to fill a void and there are a lack of common goals and values.

 

Is this other guy a coworker? You are already cheating, so why not have a frank talk with your live-in bf that it's not working.

 

It's unfair to both of you for you to coast along as roommates living a lie while your sights are set elsewhere.

I'm a divorced female (47) living with my boyfriend of about 3 1/2 year. He is very much against getting married, I thought that maybe I didn't want to get married again either but lately I'm thinking more that. I have recently met another man who I feel a definite spark with. He is aware I am in a relationship and respects that but I also know he is very much interested in me. We chat frequently and have met for a coffee once, always stating it is as friends. It is sometimes hard to keep him in the friend zone but he is so amazing that I don't want to not have him as part of my life.

[SherrySher]

Just curious as to why you would open the door for another man if you were already in a relationship? It is emotional cheating. I know you say it's only as friends but friends don't have sparks for one another.

 

This relationship is disrespectful to your current partner and if you're going to continue it, you should end the relationship with your boyfriend.

 

Beware though, the grass is not always greener on the other side, even if it looks it.

[cdnchick]

We met through a club we both belong to. As with all other members involved we talk amongst ourselves while at meetings and functions. It is a very social atmosphere, I suppose I could avoid him completely while at the functions but it would be pretty obvious to others that we were doing that. But maybe the sparks are obvious as well? I don't know.

 

I'm aware the grass isn't always greener on the other side, as I said above, I think I'd rather be alone then with someone I'm only partially happy with. I'm just trying to decipher my feelings with my b/f really. Is the slow love enough or does there need to be more?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like the emotional affair is a symptom that things are not right with the live-in bf and this situation brings that to light, no?

[cdnchick]

Yes you are right Wiseman. Lots to think about.

[youngwoman]

I have a friend who married his wife and they have zero common interests. I don't know why a person would do that -- they do absolutely nothing together. And when I see him at events, it appears as if he is single because she is never there with him. I wouldn't want that. This is why it's important for me to find someone with common interests and common food interests so we can do things together. It can happen, but from what I see, it looks miserable. I wouldn't want to go everywhere alone because my partner didn't do those things...what's the point of having a spouse you don't do anything with?

[cdnchick]

My bf and I do things together but it isn't out of interest all the time, more so out of obligation or boredom. Do I sit and watch golf and nascar because I like it? No friggin way, it's because there is nothing else to do on a Sunday afternoon unless I head out and do it on my own. It is getting old doing the things I don't enjoy anymore but it is also difficult to consider not being together because it is comfortable and easy. We have no disputes, haven't had a single fight in over 3 years. He agrees with me on everything and if he doesn't, well he doesn't voice his opinion he just follows along with my lead.

 

I am really beating myself up over the thought that I'm having an emotional affair. I suppose it crossed my thoughts in the back of my mind that it's wrong to talk to this guy when there is so much chemistry but that chemistry was great enough to delude myself into thinking that I haven't crossed a physical line (no matter how much I think about it), so it's all good. Hearing someone say it (type it) really hits home.