Have break rather than breaking up?

[vixxen82]

Hi i posted on here a few days ago about my fiance breaking up with me after 11 years. After a lot of thinking and reading/ researching it seems that the reasons he has given for leaving are similar to a quarterlife crisis. He is only 36 but the similarities are too hard to ignore. From what he has told me he doesnt really know what he wants but he had said that he cant commit his time to both the relationship and his work; that he doesn't want to have any more commited and long relationships; that he wants to be more social and thinks the grass is greener.

He is the kind of guy that gets really stressed from work and from talking to him that he needs to focus on 1 thing and not another. So work unfortunately won.

What do people think?

Also would just having a break from each other emotionally help? It would give us both the space to focus on other things but still have a possibility of getting back together instead of it being final.

[MissCanuck]

I think you're giving yourself false hope, OP.

 

And I understand, as I've been there too. When I felt a long-term ex slipping away, I looked into every possible reason why, including work stress, a quarter-life crisis, depression and so on. But really, our relationship had just run its course.

 

You can only go by what he himself has told you, which is that he doesn't want the relationship any longer. Whatever the internet says about a quarter-life crisis cannot match what is in his own mind and heart, unfortunately. Having a break would likely only make this worse, because it isn't what he wants and would probably create more problems when you feel him pulling away while you hang on trying to make it work.

 

If his heart isn't in it anymore, then bargaining by taking a break won't help anything. You could float the idea, but I have a feeling it won't be accepted warmly. Keep us updated, in any case.

[gebaird]

He doesn't have time for a relationship but wants to be more social? Doesn't that sound like a contradiction to you? His work may be stressful, but I think you are placing rather too much blame on that aspect of his life, perhaps because it's too painful to admit that he isn't happy with you. People don't usually end relationships because they're busy with work. They end them because they are dissatisfied.

 

You're moving through the stages of grief, and to me this post indicates that you are somewhere in the denial/bargaining stage. Being friends, being on a break instead of breaking up, begging for him back -- these are your mind's way of keeping you from having to fully accept that the relationship is over. It sounds to me like his resentment has grown over the years, and he never really wanted to be married. You may have done nothing wrong; sometimes people just change, or sometimes they don't want the same things. Either way, I think the best thing for you to do at this point is to limit contact, stop hoping for a reconciliation that isn't going to come, and start accepting the reality of your situation.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are hurt and grasping for straws with "is it gigs?, is it midlife life crisis?", etc. Hoping he'll change his mind.

 

The pain truth is he doesn't want to get married, kids, a future etc. He wants to sell the house dissolve the relationship and joint property. Your pain will continue and increase as long as you live together as "roommates".

 

It sounds like he's got someone else and just wants to end it. Can he or you move out before you sell?

we have a house together and we are just sleeping in separate rooms. The house is going to be sold and we are going to move to separate locations but will still have contact as we will pet sit for each other when the other one has to travel.