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I'm a mess


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I know I deserve better. My boyfriend of two years was amazing when we met, but he's let himself go and gained realistically 50lbs while I feel like I'm in the best shape of my life and looking and feeling great about myself. He drinks a lot to deal with his family issues and I'm sure just because his dad was a horrible serious raging alcoholic. Even though im doing everything I can to better myself (working two jobs, hiking always, eating right, controlled drinking and partying...), He doesn't care about himself at all. Doesn't exercise, drinks excessively, doesn't give a about himself or being on time for work...I feel like all that makes him not give a about me. He gets angry drunk and screams at me , has punched three holes in the wall because of me, thrown lamps across the room, and accidentally hit me one night. (He meant to spank me good night wasted when he was drunk fighting and unreasonable and ended up hitting me in the back. He makes me cry always And makes me feel like everything is my fault...I don't do enough for him and don't make him feel loved? Even though when we hang with his friends I will literally sit there for hours And hours and he won't even acknowledge my existence. No smile, no eye contact, no kiss, no nothing. I love him, but he's broken my heart so many times ...I know I deserve someone who appreciates everything I do for them, the cleaning, the laundry, someone who can carry me to bed when we fall asleep together on the couch, someone who is patient and kind, someone who isn't jealous and loves me for who I am, i deserve someone who doesn't get mad when I spend one night with good friends, I deserve someone who doesn't scream blackout drunk at me and call me names and say things that cut deep, he insulted the Christmas gift I got him ($700 front row hockey tickets to his favorite team) and he said I took the easy way out cuz I knew he liked the hockey team and that I waited until the last minute to buy it ( I wanted to buy sooner but needed to wait for my first paycheck that brought me out of the hole) I spent one months rent on his gift and I took the easy way out when I thought I was doing something really awesome for him to show him how much I care. He was mostly mad cuz he opened an empty box with a card in it. He had nothing to open so I'm the bad person. He hates me I feel but he says he loves me more than anything. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm so sad and feel so tyy about myself because of the things he says to me and the way he makes me feel. Should I be done?

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