Betrayed

[ascofield]

Hi everyone,

 

Here is my long story and I would appreciate very much your opinion and your advice

 

I live in France and 6 years ago I met a woman online. She's 8 years older than me (I was 25 and she was 33) and she has 2 children. Since we lived very far from one another we only had a long-distance relationship without strings, we only saw each other in Skype for 2 years.

Then we decided that we should take a decision and we decided that we will live together. I had to give up my job, my apartment and I had to live far away from my family: 280 miles away to be precise.

 

The thing is I used to live in a big city and she lived in a very small, isolated village. She was willing to move out closer to a big city (not too far from her small village since the father of the children had to keep them every 2 week-end) but the father of her children saw a lawyer in order to get the custody of the children since she was willing to move out. Her lawyer confirmed to her that if she moved out, she will lose custody of the children. 2 days before the decision of the judge, I told to give up her decision to move out and keep the custody of her children. So I had to live with her in this tiny remote village so she would keep custody of her children because I couldn't bear seeing her miserable and missing her children.

 

Since I was a student and since I'm a prudent person, I also made a pact with her: my studies will always come first and I couldn't promise her to be financially able to pay for the return of my stuff back to my town in case we broke up. I had to make a tremendous sacrifice: giving up my part-time job, my apartment and I w'd only be able to see my family once or twice a year. So if we broke up, I w'd find myself alone, very far away from my family and possibly not able to pay for the moving. So the only responsibility she had was to pay for the moving out in case of a breakup. I told her that I would work part-time if I could but that my studies would come first. I trusted her since she was very nice and trustworthy at the beginning. She even offered me great gifts before I moved in with her (new PC, new iPhone...). With my studies I had to be cautious with my expenses and it seems to me now that she "bought" me so to speak.

 

I had a warning though because one time, before we lived together, I got a message in my phone and it was a recording of her trashing me behind my back with her coworkers. Since she was sitted on her phone it accidentally called me and I heard her trashing me, saying I was very jealous in a harsh, aggressive tone. I called her back and told her that I heard what she was saying and she apologized.

In spite of that, I trusted her.

 

So we lived 3 years together and I kept doing my studies. I knew it was difficult for her because she was the only one to pay for the charges. I was registered in "Pole Emploi", the french governmental institution that notifies you when they find a vacant job that fits your search. So I was willing to get a part-time job. And I minimized any expenses for me, I didn't ask for anything expensive nor took her as my mommy, I didn't have the chance to get a job but I focused on my studies. I finished my studies last year and the last thing for me was now to pass a recruitment by competitive examination in order to get a job as a cultural heritage officer.

 

I also focused a lot on communication in our relationship. I repeated her a billion times that communication was key in a relationship and that if there were things that bothered her or anything else, the more mature thing to do was to talk to each other and not keep things to ourselves. But she was more the type of saying that everything was fine while she complained about me behind my back to her sisters and friends.

 

In September, she began to be a bit cold, distant and even a bit condescending at times Not too much but it was definitely unusual. I spoke to her about it and she either denied it or she said that it was because of her work. As the days passed, it went on, she kept being distant and cold. I knew that despite what she was saying, the breakup was not far.

 

So for the first time in 3 years, I decided to be with my family for the christmas holidays. I absolutely love christmas and I felt like being with her during the christmas holidays would ruin it. We talked a bit each day on the phone while Iwas with my family and she was still a bit distant. Just after Christmas day, she told me that she wanted to breakup and she was crying. I told her that I accepted the breakup but if anything was my fault, I was willing to fix it. I didn't beg but since she was the only one to work while I was focused on my studies, I was willing to get a job I didn't like in order to help her out on the financial charges. I didn't want her to think that I was lazy or that I didn't care about the patience she had for my studies.

She said that she needed a few days to think about it. A few days later she told me that she still wanted to breakup and I accepted it.

 

Just one hour after we broke up, she changed the relationship status on Facebook. I was a little bit surprised that she did it so soon but I understood, after all we were now broken up. We still had a lot of things to do because all my stuff was at her house and I was at my mom's house, 280 miles away. So since I'm a very organized person, I made lists of how we would handle the moving out of my stuff etc...

 

I thought that we w'd need to make an update on the phone every 2 week so I would keep her posted about notifying all the agencies about my change of address, and she would keep me posted about how she's packing my stuff and how she's handling the financial aspect of the moving out

 

So 2 weeks after the breakup, during the first update on the phone, she was extremely cold, very distant and still a bit condescending. I have my dignity so it took efforts to stay calm and cordial. She even put a picture of her on Facebook sticking her tongue out as if she was belittling me. I told her that it's only in March that I could receive the RSA, the french social revenue for people who seek jobs only, so she w'd have to pay for the 2 bills (phone bill and car insurance) that I had for January and February. To me, it was part of the pact we had before I moved in with her regarding her taking charge of my moving out.

 

But then she started to put sad quotes on her facebook wall. I didn't put anything because I know that it's better to not post anything on Facebook in order to focus on healing rather than letting everyone know about my private life. 2 weeks after, during the 2nd update I was reassured because she was normal, not too cold or distant. She told me that she had difficulties and that she w'd need a small loan from the bank in order to pay for her rent and pay for my moving out. I couldn't do anything because I w'd only receive my social revenue in March so I told her that we could postpone the moving out for April instead of March so it w'd give her more time to organize her finances. She refused.

 

During the 3rd update, 2 weeks later, she called me with a hidden number I was stunned. She had to do it in order to hurt me because I got the impression that she was pissed that I wasn't posting anything on Facebook (I almost never use facebook anyway) and I wasn't crying on it nor putting sad quotes. So honestly I was hurt that she hid her number because I didn't understand why she w'd do it. I never pursued her, I never harassed her or anything like that so hiding her number really seemed like a childish attempt at hurting my feelings, which worked I have to admit. Then I picked up the phone and she was even more aggressive than before, saying in a harsh tone that I had to pay back the bills of february because she had financial difficulties and she had to get a small loan from the bank. I agreed with my paying back of the february bills but I couldn't take more of her aggressiveness so I got a bit angry and told her that I would pay her back the bills.

 

2 days later she sent me a text to tell me that her bank needed the paper of the bill for the moving out in order to accept the loan. Since her text was cordial, I sent her an email telling her that I will send her the bill and i explained why I was surprised about her aggressive tone on the phone. I reminded her nicely that I made a lot of sacrifices in order to live together, that I had to give up my part-time job, my apartment and being able to see my family often so she could keep her job, her house and more importantly the custody of her children. I even added that my mother will help to pay for the moving out by paying almost half of it. She replied back that she didn't put a knife under my throat in order to get me to live with her, that she made sacrifices too, that I was "often trying to make her feel guilty about my sacrifices" (which is absolutely false) and that she's removing me from her facebook friends. Not a word of thanks for the participation of my mother in the payment.

 

I organized everything for the moving out and the only thing left to do is her sending of the missing money (100€) to complete it.

 

I sent her a mail a few days ago to let her know that I finished organizing everything (reservation of a truck, notifying all the changes of adress...) and she still didn't even replied back. I think she will send the 100€ but the fact of not even a text to keep me posted about what she's doing regarding the organization of the moving out is way colder than it needs to be.

 

The moving out is scheduled in 2 weeks but if she won't send the 100€, I won't be able to pay for the moving out now and we w'd have to wait for April. Even that wouldn't bother me that much. But I think she handeled the breakup in an agressive way as if she wanted to hurt me and I feel betrayed.

 

I think it's sad that it came to that.

 

I w'd have liked the breakup to be cordial but she was aggressive in my opinion, especially the part about hiding her number when she called me and speaking with a harsh tone while I was doing everything to keep the breakup amicable and clean.

 

 

Anyway so thanks for reading this long mail and I'd appreciate your opinion.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry it didn't work out. You took your chances with someone you barely knew and who had a lot of prior responsibilities. Good you moved back home. Forget the money. Agree you went on and on about your sacrifices too much to get her to feel guilty and pay up for stuff. Back home meet local women your own age at uni or on dating apps..

 

"I even added that my mother will help to pay for the moving out by paying almost half of it. She replied back that she didn't put a knife under my throat in order to get me to live with her, that she made sacrifices too, that I was "often trying to make her feel guilty about my sacrifices"

[shessofly]

I will just say that you should have never moved into a home with a woman and her children if you were not self supporting, or able to assist in some way. She carried you financially for 3 years and you want her to pay for expenses to move you out? AND you expect some gratitude from her that your mother is funding half of the expenses? Maybe I misunderstood...but anyway - if you can do without the stuff just let it go. This was a bad set up from day 1. You should have either stayed put or at least got a part time job after you moved. You had one before - why couldn't you get one after you moved in with her? Just learn the lesson that it is never a good idea to move in with someone when you cannot support yourself. Don't expect her to be cordial. She's probably a bit resentful over having supported you financially over the past few years. Although some of the fault lies with her as well because she shouldn't have accepted such an arrangement; it probably did feel like she had another child. She should have spoken up sooner.

 

I'm not putting all the blame on you - the whole thing was a bad idea. Sorry for your pain though.

[yatsue]

It's unfortunate that you could not salvage a relationship with this woman, but you have to give her a break here. She supported you like one of her children for three years and now she has to pay for you to leave. This was a terrible setup that was proposed to her. Not fair at all. I get that you both agreed to this and you made sacrifices, however she is going into debt now. With children she has to support, for god sakes. She needs to think about them, not you. She has to take a loan out so she can fulfill this outrageous agreement in order to keep things civil between you two? A guy who she is leaving, that she owes nothing to? Cut her some slack. I'm surprised at how patient she has been up to this point. I would not harp on getting her money. Ask your mom. You sound like someone from a darn collections agency.

[ascofield]

It's unfortunate that you could not salvage a relationship with this woman, but you have to give her a break here. She supported you like one of her children for three years and now she has to pay for you to leave. This was a terrible setup that was proposed to her. Not fair at all. I get that you both agreed to this and you made sacrifices, however she is going into debt now. With children she has to support, for god sakes. She needs to think about them, not you. She has to take a loan out so she can fulfill this outrageous agreement in order to keep things civil between you two? A guy who she is leaving, that she owes nothing to? Cut her some slack. I'm surprised at how patient she has been up to this point. I would not harp on getting her money. Ask your mom. You sound like someone from a darn collections agency.

 

I don't think that you get that.

You have no regard for the fact that I left behind my job, my apartment, my friends, my family whom I could see once or twice a year or the fact that I really wanted to finish my studies in order to help her. Plus I said that I understood that I helped too financially with the moving out, it was the fact that she was so aggressive over the phone that I thought was unfair. If she wd have refused this agreement I w'd have understood because I didn't want to force my studies onto her either.

And I asked for a mature and balanced perspective, not for a thoughtless bashing, I'm not interested in that at all.

[yatsue]

No, you said you would appreciate an opinion. Well, this was mine (an honest one), which was an unfair offer which is landing her, including her children, into debt after supporting you for years. She's angry and it's understandable because you fail to see the situation she's in NOW. Simply put, this was pushed too hard and resentment grew. The situation has changed for her, THREE whole years later. No one could have predicted this. She has others to put ahead of in her life.

[ascofield]

No, you said you would appreciate an opinion. Well, this was mine (an honest one), which was an unfair offer which is landing her, including her children, into debt after supporting you for years. She's angry and it's understandable because you fail to see the situation she's in NOW. Simply put, this was pushed too hard and resentment grew. The situation has changed for her, THREE whole years later. No one could have predicted this. She has others to put ahead of in her life.

 

Indeed, I didn't specify that I wanted a mature and balanced opinion because to me it was obvious, but not for you apparently. You don't take at all my situation into the equation, just hers. And you make it sound as if she has millions of debt and is about to be kicked out of her house, while she only has a 200€ loan. And I told her beforehand that if my living with her was too much for her then I couldn't come because it w'd also make me lose my job, my apartment and the capacity to see my family often and SHE STILL TOLD ME TO COME LIVE WITH HER. And you don't take that into account at all apparently. But anyway, I don't want to keep on arguing with you because it's obvious that no matter what I say, you just want to defend her case with no regard at all for my perspective. Plus my time is precious so you can stop giving me your opinion now thank you very much.

[yatsue]

I did and apparently so did others, including your ex:

 

" She carried you financially for 3 years and you want her to pay for expenses to move you out? AND you expect some gratitude from her that your mother is funding half of the expenses? Maybe I misunderstood...but anyway - if you can do without the stuff just let it go. "

 

" Forget the money. Agree you went on and on about your sacrifices too much to get her to feel guilty and pay up for stuff."

 

Besides, it's easy replying here when you're on a stationary bike if one is crunched for time. I realize it's not always pleasant receiving upfront honesty, however, good luck with the future pursuits.