Headed for the friend zone or just a nice guy?

[monkeyFlower]

I've been dating for about a year, mostly on-line. Last week I met a guy at a singles event who I had a good time with. Good conversation, significant flirting. A few days later, he asked me out. The date was last night and I'm uncertain about it. We had great conversation (forgot to even look at the menus until the waiter came). We were there for about 1.5 hours, on the long side for dinner. We kept talking for a while after the bill was paid as if we were both reluctant to leave. There seemed to be some prospect of chemistry, leaning into the conversation, eye contact etc. He said we should do this again sometime "real soon". We realized that we are attending the same event tonight, so I will see him again then.

 

My concern is that nothing really happened to progress things physically. We started with a hug, initiated by me, and ended with a more mutual hug with perhaps a few seconds of holding onto the other person's hand at the end. But nothing more. No touching during dinner, no hand holding, etc. Maybe this is just the strangeness of on-line dating but I'm used to guys trying to kiss me or asking to go back to my place (not that I would do that on a first date).

 

I definitely would be happy to go out with him again, but I'm wondering. Is this headed to the friend zone, or is it just that he isn't a creep and wants to develop a deeper connection with me? I'm in my mid-forties and he's probably about five years old than me.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like it went very well and this is a good indicator: "He said we should do this again sometime "real soon".

Sounds like he's a gentleman and has boundaries and doesn't want to give off the wolf or hookup vibe.

 

Why would you want the type of guys who go for hookups as opposed to this guy? Is that what you were hoping or looking for? Did you text him after the date and tell him you had a nice time and would love to "do this again"?

We started with a hug, initiated by me, and ended with a more mutual hug with perhaps a few seconds of holding onto the other person's hand at the end. But nothing more. No touching during dinner, no hand holding, etc. I'm used to guys trying to kiss me or asking to go back to my place.

[Batya33]

It sounds like it went well. The way I used to think of this - if there is no time/date planned for the next date, there is no next date unless and until that changes (unless one of you plan the next date) - of course it's positive that he said nice things but I wouldn't expect another date, and be pleasantly surprised if there is.

 

Anytime you meet a stranger, it makes sense that on the first meet there might no be any physical affection. Nothing to do with meeting a person on line- you can be set up on a blind date, etc -same thing.

[katrina1980]

You said maybe this is the "strangeness of on line dating", but didn't you say earlier in the post you met him at a singles event? Not that it matters where you met I don't think it makes a difference whether you met on line or IRL, people are people. What I think is strange is that because he didn't push for sex (by asking to go back to yours) you don't think he is interested and only wants a friendship. Shaking my head at that one.

 

I think him not pushing to go back to yours or escalating physically shows he wants more than a hookup, which is a good thing, at least to me it is, unless you only want a hook up yourself? This was just a first date, contrary to popular belief, not all men feel comfortable kissing on the first date, even when attracted.

 

Question. With those other guys who pushed physically or wanted to go back to yours on first date, how did those work out for you? Did they lead to a relationship? When I first met my boyfriend, I was the one who pushed physically and HE held back he said because he really liked me and didn't want us to be all about the physical like with the other girls he dated. So the tables were turned there. Three years later we are now talking marriage and kids so don't assume anything after only one date, give it time.

 

Like Wiseman asked, did you send a text letting him know you had a good time? Don't expect the man to always chase you, many men expect women to step up too and do their part. That doesn't mean chasing him either, but sending a text after the date would be a nice thing to do to express your interest.

[Batya33]

I completely disagree with the thank you text, which masquerades as a slightly or more desperate "please ask me out again!!" text unless the person forgot to say thank you on the date or the guy went the extra mile - such as, he waited with you for triple A while you were locked out of your car, or helped you if you didn't feel well on the date, etc. It's essential to say thank you on the date if the man pays for anything or goes out of his way even in a small way. Otherwise, show interest by flirting, an enthusiastic "really nice to meet you" and "I would love that!" if the man suggests getting together again. And of course text if he asks you to let him know you got home ok.

[katrina1980]

That's okay Batya we can disagree. I literally chased my boyfriend and it worked out for me, for us, so my experiences have been different. I don't think there is any set rule about it, if he is interested , a short text saying thanks again, it as fun meeting you is not gong to turn him off. And if it does, then so be it. I hate rules!

[IAmFCA]

OP

 

OLD is dating among people who are strangers. It moves more slowly. Appreciate him for who he is and trust in the process of getting to know one another. Let the physical arise out of your affection for each other as you get to know each other. Do not use physical touch as a measure of a man's interest. If he spends time with you, he is interested. Period.

[katrina1980]

OP

 

OLD is dating among people who are strangers. It moves more slowly. Appreciate him for who he is and trust in the process of getting to know one another. Let the physical arise out of your affection for each other as you get to know each other. Do not use physical touch as a measure of a man's interest. If he spends time with you, he is interested. Period.

 

But she didn't meet him on line she met him at a singles event. I do agree with what you said about getting to know each other and not using the physical to measure a mans interest, especially on early dates.

 

But whether you meet on line or in real life, when 2 people first meet they are still strangers and best that they proceed with caution either way.

[Batya33]

That's okay Batya we can disagree. I literally chased my boyfriend and it worked out for me, for us, so my experiences have been different. I don't think there is any set rule about it, if he is interested , a short text saying thanks again, it as fun meeting you is not gong to turn him off. And if it does, then so be it. I hate rules!

It depends what kind of relationship you want. When I was dating I knew of no happy long term relationships or marriages where the woman chased the man especially in the beginning. The sense I get from the op is that she's not interested in anyone chasing. I think a thank you text often gives the wrong impression because so often it's meant as a way to get another date not because of genuine thanks. I didn't love dating rules but since my goal was marriage and family and I was most comfortable with more traditional men it made sense to do something that wasn't that much fun and required discipline and restraint to reach a happy goal. Sort of like a career goal where you have to follow certain rules to accomplish the goal. Hopefully the op expressed interest on the date.

[reinventmyself]

I personally don't care to have any physical contact on the first date. I'm still getting to know them and save those moments until after some attraction and connection has formed.

That rarely happens in 90 minutes. At least for me.

 

His pace may be different. Not wrong, just different than yours.

[IAmFCA]

But she didn't meet him on line she met him at a singles event. I do agree with what you said about getting to know each other and not using the physical to measure a mans interest, especially on early dates.

 

But whether you meet on line or in real life, when 2 people first meet they are still strangers and best that they proceed with caution either way.

 

Yes i almost addressed that and decided to overlook because she said Or is this what OLD is like (roughly speaking) from which I inferred the singles event was sponsored by an on line service or similar. Ans because it was still a collection of strangers, not a friend of a friend etc.

[Batya33]

Women dump nice guys

 

People are generally turned off by passive people especially in a dating context. Sometimes "nice" really means passive or non-assertive.

[monkeyFlower]

Thanks everyone for the encouraging thoughts. I got the answer tonight and he IS interested. We had both RSVP'd for a Meetup event tonight, dinner and a movie, about 8 people, and he ended up being the only guy in the group. At dinner we didn't sit together and talked with a variety of people. During the down-time before the movie he and I were hanging out and he said "this" would be a lot easier if we had each other's numbers, so we exchanged phone numbers. During the movie I sat next to him. When I was talking to him before the movie, I put my elbow on the armrest next to his shoulder and he didn't move away. Nothing big, just establishing that he's allowed in my personal space. As we left the movie theater, he suggested walking around the block to my parking garage. I made my hand available and within a few doors, we were holding hands and walking close together. When we got to the stairs of the garage and it was time to say goodbye, he kissed me. I don't know what comes next, but I'm so excited.

[Batya33]

That's good that you got to spend time with him. Enjoy the memories of feeling connected and having fun talking -- he now knows you are interested in him even if there was any doubt before. If he wants to take you out on a date he will call you and make a plan to do that since you gave him your number. And if he doesn't know that you are perfectly capable of connecting, flirting, showing interest.

[katrina1980]

Nevermind.

[katrina1980]

Thanks everyone for the encouraging thoughts. I got the answer tonight and he IS interested. We had both RSVP'd for a Meetup event tonight, dinner and a movie, about 8 people, and he ended up being the only guy in the group. At dinner we didn't sit together and talked with a variety of people. During the down-time before the movie he and I were hanging out and he said "this" would be a lot easier if we had each other's numbers, so we exchanged phone numbers. During the movie I sat next to him. When I was talking to him before the movie, I put my elbow on the armrest next to his shoulder and he didn't move away. Nothing big, just establishing that he's allowed in my personal space. As we left the movie theater, he suggested walking around the block to my parking garage. I made my hand available and within a few doors, we were holding hands and walking close together. When we got to the stairs of the garage and it was time to say goodbye, he kissed me. I don't know what comes next, but I'm so excited.

 

I'm excited for you, so far so good, pls keep us updated!

[katrina1980]

That's good that you got to spend time with him. Enjoy the memories of feeling connected and having fun talking -- he now knows you are interested in him even if there was any doubt before. If he wants to take you out on a date he will call you and make a plan to do that since you gave him your number. And if he doesn't know that you are perfectly capable of connecting, flirting, showing interest.

 

Finally we agree on something.

[katrina1980]

It depends what kind of relationship you want. When I was dating I knew of no happy long term relationships or marriages where the woman chased the man especially in the beginning. The sense I get from the op is that she's not interested in anyone chasing. I think a thank you text often gives the wrong impression because so often it's meant as a way to get another date not because of genuine thanks. I didn't love dating rules but since my goal was marriage and family and I was most comfortable with more traditional men it made sense to do something that wasn't that much fun and required discipline and restraint to reach a happy goal. Sort of like a career goal where you have to follow certain rules to accomplish the goal. Hopefully the op expressed interest on the date.

 

Don't mean for this to sound defensive but my boyfriend (now fiancé) and I have been together 3 years, I consider that long term, I think most people would. Our way works for us because I am innately a more assertive and take charge individual, he is more passive. I enjoy initiating and planning, always have, my boyfriend focuses on his purpose which right now is getting his business off the ground. We are talking, planning an October wedding so I guess now you can say you know of one happy couple where the woman did most of the pursuing, different strokes.

[monkeyFlower]

Congratulations Prajna! Every person and couple is different, so whatever works for you is great. There is a tendency, understandably to rely on the standard "rules of thumb" early on when you don't know the other person well, which is my situation right now. If I do get into something long-term, with this person or with someone else, we will find our own rhythm.

[IAmFCA]

Don't mean for this to sound defensive but my boyfriend (now fiancé) and I have been together 3 years, I consider that long term, I think most people would. Our way works for us because I am innately a more assertive and take charge individual, he is more passive. I enjoy initiating and planning, always have, my boyfriend focuses on his purpose which right now is getting his business off the ground. We are talking, planning an October wedding so I guess now you can say you know of one happy couple where the woman did most of the pursuing, different strokes.

 

In part, your situation works because you each started with behaviors that you were willing to sustain into the relationship long term.

 

Perhaps women pursue and then look forward to him pursuing etc and the breakdown occurs.

[Batya33]

Don't mean for this to sound defensive but my boyfriend (now fiancé) and I have been together 3 years, I consider that long term, I think most people would. Our way works for us because I am innately a more assertive and take charge individual, he is more passive. I enjoy initiating and planning, always have, my boyfriend focuses on his purpose which right now is getting his business off the ground. We are talking, planning an October wedding so I guess now you can say you know of one happy couple where the woman did most of the pursuing, different strokes.

 

Yes, we agree completely that in your case this works great for you - I wrote that specifically and sorry if you misread it/misunderstood.

 

When I was referring to happy couples I was more referring to longer, married (or like married, etc) but sure - obviously there are exceptions to every rule and especially if the person is like you and wants to be the take charge person with a passive person. I am a lot like you and would be turned off in your situation -so totally different strokes. Most people I know -and especially women - are take charge are more like that in their professional lives and prefer to have a more balanced dynamic in their personal lives (but certainly not passive).

 

When I was dating -and anecdotally what I hear now -is that most men are uncomfortable with a woman who does more of the asking out in the beginning -it's flattering but then in one way or another a turn off. In my take charge personality I asked out several men -I wasn't afraid - and in my experience and those of hundreds of women I knew and knew of (understatement) it was not effective to find a long term relationship unless -like you -the woman wanted to be in control the majority of the time and continue to be the initiator, the planner and was happy with a man who was passive. I read about one couple in the new york times years ago where the woman pursued the man and proposed to him -and it was in the NY Times because it was so unusual. Perhaps it is more typical these days but not from what I hear (but I am no longer in the dating scene -actually I hope it is different because it was very hard for me not to ask men out and let them do the asking especially in the beginning -but totally worth it back then).

 

You had written he was a boyfriend -but I guess you meant fiancee given your wedding plans -congrats!