Ex-fiance is now dating the woman I had concerns about. Hurting and need insight

[Alexhunter2017]

Hello,

 

My ex and I were together 2.5 years, were engaged for 6 months, and our wedding was supposed to be in June. We truly had a wonderful relationship, very trusting and loving. In November I saw a suspicious email between my then fiance and a coworker saying "sorry for leaving you but i wanted to get home to see my kids but ill be there at 3:30 waiting for you so smile for me and try to have a good rest of the night" I freaked out and obviously questioned him but he explained that this woman is a lesbian and has a lot of relationship issues (her wife is now transitioning into a man) and that he was simply a good friend to her and thats it. I thought and prayed about it and decided after him showing me her FB and everything that it was ok but he couldnt be that close of friends with her anymore. Fast forward to the end of January and I see they're facebook friends, I call him out, he apologizes and said he thought I was over it, I told him I definitely wasnt, so then he deleted her right away. I was pissed this time because something didnt sit right with me. For a week he apologized and tried to make things better but i wasn't ready. I finally agree to meet up with him to talk and I see an email from him to her "Sorry i wont be coming into work tonight she finally wants to meet up. Sorry but i have to see her and talk to her. I need this to be fixed." to which she replied "ok i understand i'll miss you" after asking both of them to cut it off it's clear to me that they didnt, which i responded emotionally to him saying i'm done and i didnt trust him or believe him anymore. We still met up and he was a completely different person. Totally cold and distant and emotionally shut down (he has PTSD from a ed up childhood) he was not the doting, loving, caring, supportive man I once knew and was totally different. We didnt really come to any conclusions... he insisted nothing was going on and I was over reacting and she was a lesbian and he wasnt attracted to her and I had nothing to worry about because he loved me and wanted me blah blah blah. A week of me trying to be supportive of the state he was in emotionally goes by and then he tells me he "Cant do this anymore. he overlooked my jealous and insecure behaviors for far too long and shouldnt have" so we broke up. Didnt really talk at all but then his friend informed me about a week ago that he's seeing someone, and it just so happens to be the lesbian woman I was worried about. She's getting a divorce (apparently it was a long time coming) and her and my ex are now hanging out a lot and "starting to have feelings for each other" They both maintain to me and her ex that they didnt cheat and didnt leave their partners for each other.

 

Basically.... I dont know what to make of this. My heart is broken to think that he could've cheated on me, I dont feel like he would have ever done that to me, he was really a wonderful man to me, but this is just too suspicious, we've only been broken up a little more than a month. Is this just a rebound? Is he being careless and crazy because he's hurting or do you think he cheated? As messed up as it is I do still love him but we've now completely cut each other out of our lives and I dont really see it ever being a thing again because I would never trust him and we've both hurt each other. I just want him to tell me the truth, I dont know why he wouldnt tell me the truth because there's nothing to preserve.... any insight, advice, perspective would be SOOOO appreciated. Thank you!

[chitown9]

He lied to you and the trust is broken. It cannot ever be what you thought it was again.

[holistic17]

I'm so sorry this has happened. My honest advice to you is that you need to give up on the hope that he will tell you the truth. You won't get closure from this relationship, as unfair and unjust as it is.

The truth, is that you gave him several opportunities to come clean. It sounds like he had feelings for her during your relationship, that is when he should have told you that things are changing for him. However, some people don't admit to themselves or their partners. They just go cold and distant, not wanting a difficult or awkward conversation. My ex partner did the same fade out thing to me until I forced him to tell me the truth. But I still felt he was holding back even then.

You have the information that your gut told you was right. Now your job is to focus on healing yourself. You have no control over what he does or the way in which he chooses to act. All we can control is how we react. You've been honest with him and yourself and now it's time for you to take time out and get your own personal power back.

I know it's hard but you have to keep no contact with him. Reaching out won't give you anything else but more hurt. Again, I've been there. Don't let this block you from loving and allowing love in the future when you are ready again. You obviously gave a good intuition so learn from this that you need to listen to it and pray to attract a long lasting honest relationship. "Things happen for you, not to you".

[charity]

Your instinct was right. There was feelings there all along. He may never admit to this.

[MissCanuck]

If he cheated, he will more than likely not tell you the truth.

 

I'm sorry it turned out this way, OP. A long-term ex of mine was unfaithful but I didn't really discover the full extent of it until after the fact either. It was also a woman he worked with.

 

My word of caution would be to only really dig for information if you're emotionally prepared for what you could find.

[Alexhunter2017]

I really appreciate the kind words and the support. It's so hard to deal with the betrayal of who you thought someone was. He put me on the highest pedestal and not only did he take me off, he kicked it out from under me. I've never been through anything like this in my life.

 

Any advice on how to deal with the feelings of anger and jealousy that he's already with someone else? I hate the fact that he might be happy and I'm over here hurting. I'm doing a lot of positive things for myself, trying to heal, but I have bad moments almost every day.

 

For those of you who said you can relate, did your ex ever reach out and at least apologize so that things ended on better terms? Did he stay with the woman he left for?

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like "she's a lesbian" was a spin on "she's just a friend" when it comes to cheating. Sorry this happen. Be grateful you dodged this bullet and are now free to find a decent faithful man.

[charity]

I really appreciate the kind words and the support. It's so hard to deal with the betrayal of who you thought someone was. He put me on the highest pedestal and not only did he take me off, he kicked it out from under me. I've never been through anything like this in my life.

 

Any advice on how to deal with the feelings of anger and jealousy that he's already with someone else? I hate the fact that he might be happy and I'm over here hurting. I'm doing a lot of positive things for myself, trying to heal, but I have bad moments almost every day.

 

For those of you who said you can relate, did your ex ever reach out and at least apologize so that things ended on better terms? Did he stay with the woman he left for?

 

He apologized but never took responsibility. He said he was a fool, and she manipulated him. He never held himself accountable for the fact that he was the one meeting up and encouraging her.

 

No they didn't last long. Yes I got back with him. What a regret that was.

 

OP I feel for you. The only thing worse than a bad break up is a breakup where the person is already with someone else. It's so hurtful. It's just something yu ave to get through now.

In hindsight you may be grateful that you have found this out now and not years later when there are children involved.

 

Grieve..but hold your head high.

[boltnrun]

My ex never apologized. He would find the idea laughable.

 

He was having a secret relationship with the fiancee of a family member. When he broke up with me (via email), he just said he didn't want a girlfriend right now. EVERYONE knew he was with her, but he was afraid of looking like the #1 a-hole if he admitted it. He lied for MONTHS. Finally he could no longer explain away the fact that she was at his house and his workplace constantly by saying they were "friends". He started bringing her to family gatherings, which hurt the family member she used to be engaged to tremendously but he didn't care. No one liked her but him, but he was enthralled.

 

And yes, 8 years later they are still together. Still shoving her in the faces of family members, still not caring what anyone thinks.

 

And no, I never demanded an apology or explanation from him. What would be the point? I know he's with her, I know he fell in love with her the day they met (about a full YEAR before he finally broke up with me), but I see no reason to try to force him to admit it to me. Of course, the difference is I don't love him. At first I was hurt, but I care nothing for him now. Time and distance took care of that for me.

[MissCanuck]

I really appreciate the kind words and the support. It's so hard to deal with the betrayal of who you thought someone was. He put me on the highest pedestal and not only did he take me off, he kicked it out from under me. I've never been through anything like this in my life.

 

Any advice on how to deal with the feelings of anger and jealousy that he's already with someone else? I hate the fact that he might be happy and I'm over here hurting. I'm doing a lot of positive things for myself, trying to heal, but I have bad moments almost every day.

 

For those of you who said you can relate, did your ex ever reach out and at least apologize so that things ended on better terms? Did he stay with the woman he left for?

 

He once apologized (after I'd moved countries) via email for his "shortcomings." That was it. It was an email related to a tax matter, as we used to file jointly. He wished me luck in my new life abroad, and added that little phrase at the end. That came around 1.5 years after we'd broken up. I didn't reply, as there was really nothing more to say by that point and I'd moved on.

 

And yes, he is actually now married to and has a child with his affair partner. I actually wasn't all that sad that we broke up, as we'd been growing apart and I wasn't very satisfied or happy any more in the relationship. However, it was the degree of disrespect and dishonesty from my ex that upset me and affected me. I was truly shocked to learn how different he was from the man I thought I knew, as were those closest to me who know the truth.

 

I'm much happier now though. I don't really feel anything toward that ex anymore. We had our good times but that chapter is closed.

[Alexhunter2017]

Wow all your guys stories sound gut wrenching and I know your pain. But I'm encouraged to see you've all moved on and are happier.

 

I'm still young, 25, and know that I will be fine and better off because clearly he has some major character flaws.

 

I've blocked him in every way I could think of (phone, Facebook, Pinterest, Venmo lol everything!) and I'm feeling stronger. He can screw up his own life if he wants and I have some sort of satisfaction knowing all the he's going to deal with if he pursues a relationship with this woman (she is a lesbian and married to her partner, has a child) so he's going to have to deal with her through that whole process which I'm sure will be a nightmare. Lots of distrust I'm sure too.

 

My feelings now are that I really don't want him to be happy with her because part of me thinks he doesn't deserve to be happy.

 

Oh well, I know I can only control myself and that I need to get on my white horse and disappear. If our paths somehow cross again and he does apologize I will gladly accept that but I'm not going to hold out hope.

 

Thank you all so much! I love reading advice and perspective from people who have been here so keep it coming