Really confused about what he's experiencing

[jelly]

I met my partner last summer and everything went so well that we actually moved in together (plus his best friend, too) at the beginning of this month. Around December he was having some difficulties in determining how he felt about me romantically, but the platonic and sensual side of our relationship was strong as ever. Basically for an entire month we didn't have sex and he was extremely distant. Every time I'd try to see what was wrong he'd assure me that he was fine. However, literally the first night together in the apartment we had a conversation and he told me what was going on. Concerning the sex, he said that sex to him was about satisfying a need and that it was basically about just using someone else's body for pleasure and that he felt guilty when we'd have sex because he didn't want to treat me like that (I assured him that he doesn't objectify me during sex and that I pretty much view it the same way). Sex is about pleasure for me and I 100% use his body, and I don't care if that's how he wants to use mine. It's not like the rest of our relationship is about using the other person. We agreed that because we get on so well, that we should still live together (we signed a 12 month lease) and that we should just do whatever felt right and drop some of the obligations of a relationship. After that conversation things actually didn't change a whole lot (still spend time with him and his mom, go places together, hold hands and be very "significant other"ly). Blah blah blah, and then last night, 10 days after our conversation, we had planned on having sex and he pretty much blew it off---I'm a very sexual person and so even though I don't need sex to be happy with him, I still feel extremely bummed out when it doesn't happen and all the childish insecurities I have surface. I started to feel insecure all over again and we had yet another conversation... This time he told me that his sex drive wasn't high, and that he was tired a lot more than he wanted to be. He even said that he wasn't masturbating anymore. He told me that the last girl he was with, that they had so much sex that he lost almost all of his hobbies and "suffered" from being obsessed over it to the point that he was currently trying to not be like that anymore. And then he suggested something that kind of threw me for a loop.... he suggested that I have sex with his best friend (who is currently living with us!). And.. that made me feel even more insecure because if he was suggesting that, was he suggesting that he wouldn't be upset about me being with someone else? I asked him, and he said that he wasn't sure how jealous he'd be, but that he'd "work on" not being jealous, if he could. But I don't want to have sex with someone else, and I know for damn sure that if he was with another woman, that I'd be incredibly upset about it. When I said "no" he seemed satisfied with my answer. (I talked to a friend about this and she thought that he was testing me, and normally I'd agree, but my boyfriend and I are always honest and transparent about our thoughts. He's even explicitly told me that he doesn't like that sort of stuff). We continued to talk and after about 20 minutes he suddenly turned on and we had sex. This wasn't the first time that a long conversation has led us to a sexual situation. But regardless, I have no idea what's going on. He says that he doesn't feel the same romantic attraction for me as the beginning, but then continues to do everything we have been doing, and still refers to me as his significant other. He's never corrected anyone when they introduce me as his girlfriend. He sleeps in my bed and we share a closet. Refers to me as "sweetheart" or "darling". We're always kissing or hugging or holding hands. Before we fall asleep he'll say that I'm "wonderful". He said he had barely any sex drive but then during a conversation easily plucks up the energy to have vigorous sex ??? What's going on? I begged him to just be honest with me and he insists that he's not seeing someone else and that I didn't do anything wrong.

 

I really hate to think that he's trying to pass me on to someone else. I asked why specifically his best friend and he told me that if i was going to sleep with someone else, that he wanted it to be someone he knew and trusted. It's true that I am happy with lots of sex but the reason I feel upset isn't because I'm not having sex, but because he doesn't seem to want it with me. And then, of course, he said that he finds me attractive and that it has nothing to do with me. What is it?

[abitbroken]

You moved in with a guy AND his best friend? without talking about what it meant - you just thought "things were going well, so we'll move in together". Thing is - to him, moving in meant that he got along with you and thought you'd be a drama free roommate and you thought it was time for lots of live in sex or commitment. He told you right off not to expect this to be constant sex, and now you are disappointed. The problem with expectations is that they always disappoint us. He may not want to have sex all the time because of the other roommate, or the thrill is gone because he sees you brush your teeth in the morning, sees how you look when you wake up, etc. You say you are using his body = and then he's telling you he now respects you and doesn't want to "just use you". Seem to not be on the same page. Maybe he thinks because you told him you are using his body, he's not comfortable with it and then telling you to have sex with someone else?******************

[jelly]

Yeah? We get along. So we moved in together. We did talk about what it meant but this isn't about us living together (we moved in together because we've gotten to know each other enough to know that we're trustworthy, even if just as roommates, and that's what we were looking for a few months ago when we both spontaneously needed to find someone to live with. His best friend moved in because they were already living together and rent with 3 people is less expensive.) I never said I expected a bunch of drama or commitment ?? Our relationship has never been wrapped up in commitment, but we did have lots of sex and do things characteristically romantic. I don't expect him to have sex constantly, as I said in my post, even if i have a high sex drive. And I told him that he doesn't have to have sex with me if he's not feeling it. But him losing interest in sex was a month or so before he even made the suggestion that we live together. And before that, he did see me how I looked in the morning, and me brushing my teeth, and taking a piss, because we spent almost every other night & morning together (it's not as though our relationship up until now has consisted of me wearing makeup to bed and doing everything I can to hold up some illusion or fantasy) and it never effected how he saw me. When I said "using his body" it was to his comment of how he thought it was wrong to have sex for just the pleasure of it. He felt guilty because he thought that that sex to me was a higher level of romantic intimacy or something, some like that, and he felt bad for just being there to have an orgasm (although he has always been an attentive type of lover, so when I say "using" the body, it was never a negative type of use because we both care about the other person enjoying the experience ) but sex is about satisfying a need for me, too, and tht's why i do it, and that's why he says that he does it.

[abitbroken]

What i meant by commitment is that you expected that you would be bf/gf and get regular sex just like before you moved in together - there was a certain expectation here. If you moved in just because eachother was "trustworthy" - and that was the only expectation - so you say - and now you are complaining about a lack of sex - like he sold you false goods.

 

When I said "using his body" it was to his comment of how he thought it was wrong to have sex for just the pleasure of it. He felt guilty because he thought that that sex to me was a higher level of romantic intimacy or something, some like that, and he felt bad for just being there to have an orgasm

 

Fair enough - but he is telling you that it feels wrong just to have sex for the pleasure of it, and you are reassuring him that its fine to have sex for just the pleasure of it. To me, in my life, sex only comes when there is meaning and commitment, and if a guy said something like that, instead of trying to convince him that he should not think that way - I would think he was serious - that he really did believe sex was something more than just doing it for pleasure and i wouldn't push so hard to convince him otherwise. He had sex with you after that conversation because you were connecting fairly deeply at that moment, I would imagine.

[Matt3939]

It doesn't happen in every relationship of mine. Once sex becomes like a chore instead of spontaneous or enthusiastic then the frequency goes down. If there is also something underlying. Example lots of fights but your partner still wants it. Then the numbers go way down. The number will go down regardless I think over time. It's also who you are with. You can have 1 person and have it every day another once every week. I'd say if something changes drastically there could be another cause. It might not be that bad of one, but something.