How Do You Escape a Relationship?

[TwoFortnights]

I have been dating this man for almost a year now. After a few months, things quickly started getting complicated.

 

I have noticed that whenever something inconvenient happens, I have become the culprit. I've started noticing that I have been feeling really inadequate and anxious around him. He is a really amazing guy, but something inside him just changes suddenly.

 

He is a very blunt man. The things he says sounds really mean to me, even when he says they aren't meant to sound that way. He just tells me that he's just being blunt, even though I do feel genuinely hurt and confused by some of the things he says.

 

He relies on alcohol way more than I would like him to. I haven't seen him drunk very often. He moderately drinks, but when he does drink too much, situations can get out of hand. Just now, he and I were taking an Uber since he was drunk, and he kept putting all of these new rules in place for me where I would have to handle our future and rely on myself to get places. He also got mad at me for not having out my key before he had his out.

 

I know he seems to have an abusive side, but I have no idea what to do. I feel trapped. All of the other times I have tried to leave, he made me feel really bad and guilty. I just really need advice on how to get out of this relationship I have been trapped in for 4 months now.

[abitbroken]

Just tell him that its over. Make sure he doesn't have a key to your place and don't let him in. You can decline the next date to say you are busy to get up the strength, and you can have a female friend stay with you if you don't feel you are strong enough - but just be strong and tell him you don't want to see him anymore. Say to yourself the guilt is a lie. Either break up over the phone if you don't feel safe - or break up in person in a public place with a friend nearby - in the restaurant next door that will take you home, or waiting outside so you don't feel trapped.**************************

[Hollyj]

Just be done with it. End it.

 

Do this by email or text.

[Silverbirch]

He sounds like a Nutter. Run!

[Wiseman2]

All abusers have "an abusive side". Just tell him it's not working and end it. Then go no contact and delete and block him from all social media.

I know he seems to have an abusive side, but I have no idea what to do. I feel trapped. All of the other times I have tried to leave, he made me feel really bad and guilty. I just really need advice on how to get out of this relationship I have been trapped in for 4 months now.

[boltnrun]

He can't make you feel bad and guilty unless you're convinced you are the one who's wrong.

 

You aren't. This is just his manipulation techniques that have been successful so far.

 

My ex used to manipulate me. It worked until I figured out he was manipulating me! Then it didn't work anymore. Funny how that happens.

 

You now know you're being manipulated. So, all that's left is to contact him telling him this relationship isn't working for you and that you wish him well, but you won't be seeing him again. Then block any means he has to contact you.

 

And no, that's not "mean" or "harsh". It doesn't make him feel bad to manipulate you, so you have no reason to feel bad for walking away.

 

He'll survive, I promise.

[Waraqqa]

That's the problem with some of the abusive relationships - I've been in two, and in both cases I was made to feel guilty to leave or reject him. When they are abusive, people don't like it and tend to walk away. This hurts their ego, so sometimes they develop these coping mechanisms to protect their ego - by turning the tables and making You feel guilty and bad about leaving. Then your only choices become either staying and complying with their ways even if you are miserable, or walking away and feeling awful about yourself. Been there.

 

The first man I was fully involved with wanted to keep me around, and whenever I tried to leave would say things like "It seems you lost your interest" - seemingly benign, but with such disappointed and disapproving attitude; or tell me "My family was right, white women don't know how to love" (playing the race/culture card to induce guilt). The second abusive one (over a decade later) had more subtle ways and triggered not only guilt but more feelings of inadequacy in me by saying "I am anyway better than this, someone who is lukewarm like you and cannot give me a resounding 'yes' anyway does not deserve me"; or, when trying to get back together at some point and I was refusing, he knew I was platonically meeting some new people and say "I anyway don't want to be with someone who runs around with so many guys". I am not proud to say, but in many of the above cases, the guilt and inadequacy and shame were triggered in me successfully, so I stayed stuck in those; or sometimes I'd walk but feel horrible about myself for a long time.

 

The trick is to realise that you are a free human being, and if someone does not suit you and you simply don't want to be with them, it is your right to walk away. You don't even have to explain anything, you don't owe anything to him. And the fact that he was abusive and makes you feel bad is even more of a reason to walk. Whatever verbal stunts he might pull on you, *don't believe them in your heart*. Know that he just pulls it out of his arse to a) try to keep you around and/or b) to protect his ego by making you out as a bad one.

 

Don't waste your time - I had wasted too much of mine. Worse yet, in the process I got so damaged that I couldn't function well with the next guy in my life who was normal and kind.

[nutbrownhare]

You owe this guy NOTHING. Don't fall for the guilt trip; his main purpose in doing this is to keep control over you, but it's a control that you don't have to give him. It can be really difficult, I know, because you've bought into a pattern where he feels entitled to order you around, and you've complied with that.

 

Don't talk to him in person if you can help it; phone is good, and just tell him that the relationship isn't working for you, that you are ending it, and it's all over between you. If it's possible, have a friend or someone else you can trust there with you. If you can stay with someone overnight for moral support, so much the better.

 

At the first available opportunity, block him from contacting you. If he has the keys to your home, get the locks changed. Don't give him the chance to manipulate you into staying with him.