Ex wants me back please help!!

[Sam JG]

My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years and he is 2 years older. Things got messy a few months back due to my own actions, breaking up with him and begging for him back twice within a month. I made a complete 180 change after almost losing him forever and everything was amazing.

 

However, he told me 10 days ago that he cheated on me the night before with one of his good friends who also had a boyfriend. The girl and him agree to stay out of each others lives from this point on and blocked the other on everything. He went on to tell me the whole story about how he has been extremely bitter, insecure, and confused about my commitment to him ever since we got back together and therefore, went to this girl to vent to. He swears to his grave he never intended it to happen and never thought about being with anyone else, even now and he knows even with his reasoning that it is zero excuse for his actions and that its completely his fault, not mine in anyway. He has always been disgusted by cheating so I was extremely shocked, and so was he that he was even capable of doing that to someone he loved.

 

We've had 2 very long discussions about everything and it is easy to see how genuinely sick he feels about the whole situation, especially since we have spoke about moving in together after school. I've thought long and hard about everything from all angles constantly since Monday (our last time seeing each other) and read over his hand-written letter multiple times. He has made it clear he is 100% ready to do anything and everything I need him to in order to gain my trust back and even says he is quitting alcohol. He also added that even though I didn't take him back he knows his actions will speak louder than words. He says he is concentrating all his energy on becoming a better person and getting back to being the good guy I know he truly is in order to show me he really means what he's saying.

 

The main reason I believe him is because I know how genuine of a person he is and if I was able to make the changes I did for him, I know he can do the same for me. We both go to separate colleges, but we live in the same town at home. I know it would be difficult to work on this while we are away for the remainder of our semester, but I also think it will be good for me to actually see his progress and that he is doing his best to prove his love for me. I've seen first hand that "once a cheater, not always a cheater", and I do believe that because not every situation is the same. I really think that this is one of those rare situations.

 

I've found a way to forgive him and believe everything he has said and I want to give it a shot to see if he can make it up to me, but my question is, should I make him wait longer? It's only been 10 days since it happened and only 4 days since we last saw each other and spoke. He told me out of respect that he will leave me alone and won't reach out to me because he doesn't want to set me back and sway my decision if I'm trying to move on, but said he of course will be right there to answer me if I want to talk. I don't want to waste any time, but I don't want him to think I'm soft and that I'll just go right back to him and have him think he can get away with something like this with such little consequences. I think it would be petty to drag it out and make him wait but people are telling me he needs to think he lost me for real this time and make him suffer with that for at least a month. I agree that he doesn't deserve an easy solution, but he already thinks he's lost me forever and truly is horrified with himself about what he's done and I really do believe that. So, do I drag it out and make him suffer, or do I go with my gut, not waste any time and tell him how I feel?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. So it's to your fault he cheated and it 'just happened'? Proceed with caution. What if there's another argument?

 

So he's making all these promises but doesn't want to sway your decision, yet he'll give you no contact? Don't just drag this out as 'punishment'. Your taking him back alone is proof to him that he can cheat whenever you argue and you'll forgive him.

He went on to tell me the whole story about how he has been extremely bitter, insecure, and confused about my commitment to him ever since we got back together and therefore, went to this girl to vent to. He swears to his grave he never intended it to happen. He told me out of respect that he will leave me alone and won't reach out to me because he doesn't want to set me back and sway my decision

[Sam JG]

Sorry to hear this. So it's to your fault he cheated and it 'just happened'? Proceed with caution. What if there's another argument?

 

So he's making all these promises but doesn't want to sway your decision, yet he'll give you no contact? Don't just drag this out as 'punishment'. Your taking him back alone is proof to him that he can cheat whenever you argue and you'll forgive him.

 

That what his initial thought Day 1. Day 2 however he explained he realizes he was only trying to find a way to justify his actions to himself. He told me he knows that this was an awful way to approach it and now knows that it was his lack of communication that caused this. That it is all his fault for not coming to me with his doubts and worries and instead went to vent them to someone else. He told me he believes that if he just came to me with all his concerns and insecurities and everything from the beginning that this would never have happened. He takes full blame and put none of it on me and my previous actions. Sorry I was a bit messy explaining that but I hope that cleared it up. Thank you so much for your input

[Hollyj]

I think you should wait a t least 2-3 months, before considering a reconciliation - that means strict NC. You need to think things out, and show him that you do not so easily dismiss cheating. Don't be a doormat.

 

Personally, I would never take back a cheater.

[indea08]

I think you should stop focusing on his cheating event and consider the relationship as a whole.

 

-You broke up with him twice within a month so you must have already had some doubt about the relationship.

 

-Why/how is he supposed to feel secure or even want to stay committed when you've so easily ripped the floor out from under him, not once, but TWICE?

 

-Your OP gives off the vibe that you've already decided within yourself that you're going to forgive him. So keeping that information to yourself for an extra few weeks would serve what purpose? Teach him a lesson? Make him squirm so he hopefully won't cheat again? Seems pretty rude to me considering he did not force you to endure the same consequences when you broke his trust by dumping him. Twice.

 

Either forgive and forget or move on.

[chitown9]

I think you should stop focusing on his cheating event and consider the relationship as a whole.

 

-You broke up with him twice within a month so you must have already had some doubt about the relationship.

 

-Why/how is he supposed to feel secure or even want to stay committed when you've so easily ripped the floor out from under him, not once, but TWICE?

 

-Your OP gives off the vibe that you've already decided within yourself that you're going to forgive him. So keeping that information to yourself for an extra few weeks would serve what purpose? Teach him a lesson? Make him squirm so he hopefully won't cheat again? Seems pretty rude to me considering he did not force you to endure the same consequences when you broke his trust by dumping him. Twice.

 

Either forgive and forget or move on.

 

Well stated and I agree with it. Don't play games.:single_eye: chi

[Wiseman2]

He seems to talk a good talk, but he's still making excuses and justifying his actions. He did it out of revenge and you know it. Agree you should reconsider the whole relationship. The spite cheating is just a symptom of even bigger troubles.

He told me he believes that if he just came to me with all his concerns and insecurities and everything from the beginning that this would never have happened.

[Sam JG]

We are currently long distance right now back at our own schools. Should I go to him to try and patch things up/ask him to come to me? Or do it over the phone incase something goes wrong during the conversation (not what I want to do and I don't think anything will go bad, but just being safe)?

[Sam JG]

I think you should stop focusing on his cheating event and consider the relationship as a whole.

 

-You broke up with him twice within a month so you must have already had some doubt about the relationship.

 

-Why/how is he supposed to feel secure or even want to stay committed when you've so easily ripped the floor out from under him, not once, but TWICE?

 

-Your OP gives off the vibe that you've already decided within yourself that you're going to forgive him. So keeping that information to yourself for an extra few weeks would serve what purpose? Teach him a lesson? Make him squirm so he hopefully won't cheat again? Seems pretty rude to me considering he did not force you to endure the same consequences when you broke his trust by dumping him. Twice.

 

Either forgive and forget or move on.

 

We are currently long distance right now back at our own schools. Should I go to him to try and patch things up/ask him to come to me? Or do it over the phone incase something goes wrong during the conversation (not what I want to do and I don't think anything will go bad, but just being safe)?

[Wiseman2]

No, stay no contact. Do not reward his cheating by running to him and begging/pleading. It looks desperate and unattractive.

We are currently long distance right now back at our own schools. Should I go to him to try and patch things up/ask him to come to me? Or do it over the phone incase something goes wrong during the conversation (not what I want to do and I don't think anything will go bad, but just being safe)?

[indea08]

How far?? If it's feasible, offer to meet half way and talk it out. If it's too far, then call him.