Ghosting - Doesn't Hurt Run Both Ways?

[David92506]

Huffington Post:

The term “ghosting“ (sometimes known as the “slow fade”) refers to the anecdotally pervasive act where one dater ends a relationship by simply disappearing. The ghost does not give an explanation of any sort, leaving the ghosted wondering where he or she went wrong.

 

When I'm in a relationship I invest time, energy and effort. I care about the other person. So when the other person just disappears it really hurts.

 

Doesn't the other person hurt too?

[vesper]

I guess that would be kind of rude and impolite if someone does that.

[reinventmyself]

Huffington Post:

The term “ghosting“ (sometimes known as the “slow fade”) refers to the anecdotally pervasive act where one dater ends a relationship by simply disappearing. The ghost does not give an explanation of any sort, leaving the ghosted wondering where he or she went wrong.

 

When I'm in a relationship I invest time, energy and effort. I care about the other person. So when the other person just disappears it really hurts.

 

Doesn't the other person hurt too?

 

Yes and no. . depends on the investment. Someone not invested may not particularly care. Not condoning it, but it's the chickens way out.

The next person may be equally invested and find it painfully hard to say the words. Again, the easier way out and not as messy.

[Wiseman2]

If it's not getting a second or third date, who cares, but a relationship deserves the respect of an definitive endpoint.

[Gilson]

It really depends on what's going on and how much each party is emotionally invested.

 

I've had interactions that eere intense right from the start and ended within a couple or three weeks. In this case, I'd expect more than ghosting.

 

Alternatively, I recently went out with someone three times over five weeks. There was little effort on either part. There was nothing to defi e and nothing to end.

[katrina1980]

Huffington Post:

The term “ghosting“ (sometimes known as the “slow fade”) refers to the anecdotally pervasive act where one dater ends a relationship by simply disappearing. The ghost does not give an explanation of any sort, leaving the ghosted wondering where he or she went wrong.

 

When I'm in a relationship I invest time, energy and effort. I care about the other person. So when the other person just disappears it really hurts.

 

Doesn't the other person hurt too?

 

I don't think ghosting is like a slow fade. Fading is easing out gradually, ghosting is disappearing, suddenly and without warning breaking all contact with the person you had formed a connection with no matter how long you dated.

 

And why would you think the ghoster would be hurt? If someone ghosts, they don't give a ****, so why would someone who doesn't give a **** be hurt? Can you explain? I am not understanding that.

[katrina1980]

It really depends on what's going on and how much each party is emotionally invested.

 

I've had interactions that eere intense right from the start and ended within a couple or three weeks. In this case, I'd expect more than ghosting.

 

Alternatively, I recently went out with someone three times over five weeks. There was little effort on either part. There was nothing to defi e and nothing to end.

 

I still think it's rude to just suddenly disappear. I don't know if you ghosted or she did, but if you did, I guaranty you, after three dates, she was hurt on some level. It's debasing. A simple text message letting the person know what's going, not the right time, met someone else, not interested (although that's hard to say) is all that is needed. Common courtesy.

 

People don't give a about the other person's feelings anymore, we've become such a self centered society, it's so disheartening.

[LadyAbbey31]

I don't think ghosting is like a slow fade. Fading is easing out gradually, ghosting is disappearing, suddenly and without warning breaking all contact with the person you had formed a connection with no matter how long you dated.

 

And why would you think the ghoster would be hurt? If someone ghosts, they don't give a ****, so why would someone who doesn't give a **** be hurt? Can you explain? I am not understanding that.

 

I have never ghosted someone, yet I can see how the ghoster can be hurt. But it's more of a self-inflicted pain. If there was a significant amount of dating (which I guess is subjective....it could be after only 5 or 6 dates, and I guess the amount of pain experienced by either would depend entirely on the emotional investment rather than the length of time dating) then the ghoster is scared of confrontation and being a coward. And I think they are aware that they're scared and being a coward. They know they're not treating someone properly, and knowing you aren't treating someone you cared about, or who cares about you, properly is a painful thing to have to face within yourself.

 

I can imagine that if I am in the beginnings of a relationship with someone and I flat out disappear on them, barring being an unfeeling sociopath, I would feel pretty bad about myself, and incredibly guilty. These are painful things!

 

Maybe it's over-analyzing but I got a little bit inside the mind of a guy who did this to a girl after a steady month ish of dating, and he felt pretty guilty. Instead of just sending her a message explaining himself, he just went on full of guilt (and then went on a drinking binge, but...bygones). I guess the guilt wasn't strong enough to trump his ego/pride (just a guess). Who knows, people are complex, some people are a bit broken, and end up hurting themselves by hurting others.

[katrina1980]

I have never ghosted someone, yet I can see how the ghoster can be hurt. But it's more of a self-inflicted pain. If there was a significant amount of dating (which I guess is subjective....it could be after only 5 or 6 dates, and I guess the amount of pain experienced by either would depend entirely on the emotional investment rather than the length of time dating) then the ghoster is scared of confrontation and being a coward. And I think they are aware that they're scared and being a coward. They know they're not treating someone properly, and knowing you aren't treating someone you cared about, or who cares about you, properly is a painful thing to have to face within yourself.

 

I can imagine that if I am in the beginnings of a relationship with someone and I flat out disappear on them, barring being an unfeeling sociopath, I would feel pretty bad about myself, and incredibly guilty. These are painful things!

 

Maybe it's over-analyzing but I got a little bit inside the mind of a guy who did this to a girl after a steady month ish of dating, and he felt pretty guilty. Instead of just sending her a message explaining himself, he just went on full of guilt (and then went on a drinking binge, but...bygones). I guess the guilt wasn't strong enough to trump his ego/pride (just a guess). Who knows, people are complex, some people are a bit broken, and end up hurting themselves by hurting others.

 

You sound like a very compassionate person. In response to this post however, like I said all that is needed is a short text message letting the person know it's not the right time or you just don't think it will work out, no confrontation involved. How difficult is that? Is the person so weak-minded, so cowardly that they can't muster up the courage to send a simple text message?

 

This guilt thing, I don't know if I buy this theory. I have a friend who was ghosted three times by the same man. He ghosted once, then returned, they got closer than ever, he ghosted again, then he returned, they developed an even stronger emotional bond, making long term and future plan together, and poof he ghosted a third time. I have a hard time believing he felt guilty or hurt about this, all he was thinking about was himself and his own comfort, sorry I have no sympathy for people who do this.

[boltnrun]

Well, a guy I dated for over a year and a half did a slow fade on me. At first he saw me every weekend (we lived two hours apart), then it gradually became less and less until he finally was only seeing me every six weeks or so from late Saturday night until early Sunday morning.

 

I saw the writing on the wall, so I started dating someone else. I figured if he didn't care enough about me to see me, I didn't care enough to tell him I was with someone else.

 

Interestingly, I found out after the fact that he'd been LIVING with another woman for several months and lying to the both of us. So I felt even less bad about dumping him without telling him.

[LadyAbbey31]

You sound like a very compassionate person. In response to this post however, like I said all that is needed is a short text message letting the person know it's not the right time or you just don't think it will work out, no confrontation involved. How difficult is that? Is the person so weak-minded, so cowardly that they can't muster up the courage to send a simple text message?

 

This guilt thing, I don't know if I buy this theory. I have a friend who was ghosted three times by the same man. He ghosted once, then returned, they got closer than ever, he ghosted again, then he returned, they developed an even stronger emotional bond, making long term and future plan together, and poof he ghosted a third time. I have a hard time believing he felt guilty or hurt about this, all he was thinking about was himself and his own comfort, sorry I have no sympathy for people who do this.

 

I went through something similar to your friend....I went on a few dates with a guy, he didn't ghost but did the 'slow fade'. A couple months later we dated for a month, then he did it again, the slow fade. This happened a few more times. It broke my heart So I get it. Why not just be open, honest and straight forward and sending a text?? You don't even have to face the person, you're hiding behind your phone!

 

But what may be simple to us may not be simple to others. Maybe they're worried that it wouldn't be a simple text, but that the 'dumped' will respond, and it will turn into a full blown conversation or argument. So they just avoid saying anything. Cowardly? ABSOLUTELY. But this guy I dated opened up a few times just enough so I could see how scared and emotionally broken he was. Poor sad man

 

In short, it's probably a harder thing to not have the ability to give love than to not receive love.

[katrina1980]

Well, a guy I dated for over a year and a half did a slow fade on me. At first he saw me every weekend (we lived two hours apart), then it gradually became less and less until he finally was only seeing me every six weeks or so from late Saturday night until early Sunday morning.

 

I saw the writing on the wall, so I started dating someone else. I figured if he didn't care enough about me to see me, I didn't care enough to tell him I was with someone else.

 

Interestingly, I found out after the fact that he'd been LIVING with another woman for several months and lying to the both of us. So I felt even less bad about dumping him without telling him.

 

I think in your case, what you did was okay. The relationship slowly faded down to slim to nothing, it just died a slow natural death. To me ghosting is disappearing, the person you're dating had no warning of it and may have even thought things were going well. In my friend's case, the guy had recently even told her he loved her, planning a vacation together, then poof, suddenly he's gone and she couldn't get in touch, he literally just disappeared. That was extreme, but even after only a few dates, I think it's common courtesy to let the other know what's going on.

 

The only time I think is okay to ghost (and I wouldn't even consider it ghosting) is after a first meet if you met on line. You're both not feeling anything so you part ways, no harm no foul.

[LadyAbbey31]

I think in your case, what you did was okay. The relationship slowly faded down to slim to nothing, it just died a slow natural death. To me ghosting is disappearing, the person you're dating had no warning of it and may have even thought things were going well. In my friend's case, the guy had recently even told her he loved her, planning a vacation together, then poof, suddenly he's gone and she couldn't get in touch, he literally just disappeared. That was extreme, but even after only a few dates, I think it's common courtesy to let the other know what's going on.

 

The only time I think is okay to ghost (and I wouldn't even consider it ghosting) is after a first meet if you met on line. You're both not feeling anything so you part ways, no harm no foul.

 

I agree that ghosting, whether after three dates or twenty, is a cowardly way to end things, and people should absolutely treat one another better than that. But as always in dating (as evidenced on this website) there are differing opinions and everything can't be seen in black & white. Some people would say you SHOULD let the other person know after a first date that you aren't interested, while someone earlier on the thread said ghosting after two or three dates is no biggie. Another poster said that after over a month of dating, they ghosted because there wasn't really a connection (on their end) and because it had only been a few dates. But that if after spending an 'intense' couple weeks of dating together, they would expect more than ghosting.

 

Personally, if you know on any level that the other person is anticipating a second, third, or twentieth date, let them know. I agree, it's common decency and disappearing is rude, cruel, and could affect the other person's ability to trust others in the future, which is huge.

 

If that guy told your friend he loved her then disappeared, he's messed up. No way around that.

[katrina1980]

 

But what may be simple to us may not be simple to others. Maybe they're worried that it wouldn't be a simple text, but that the 'dumped' will respond, and it will turn into a full blown conversation or argument. So they just avoid saying anything. Cowardly? ABSOLUTELY. But this guy I dated opened up a few times just enough so I could see how scared and emotionally broken he was. Poor sad man

 

 

Solution: Send a text ending it properly, then block or just not respond if the person continues to text. Say your peace and be done, I've done that a few times.

 

I don't have much experience with this, but I would think if a person is so scared or emotionally broken as your guy was, they shouldn't be dating at all, and instead focus their efforts on figuring out why they're so scared and broken so they don't continue hurting people.

[boltnrun]

But there are a lot of posts on this forum by people saying texting is "cowardly" or "not the proper way to end a relationship".

 

Also, those who say blocking is "mean" or "childish" or "immature" or that it serves no useful purpose.

 

I think the person being "ghosted" or who is on the receiving end of a "slow fade" is never going to like the way the news is delivered (or not delivered, as the case may be).

 

I got broken up with by email. And in my ex's case, he WAS being cowardly because he didn't want to admit that he didn't want to see me anymore because he'd been having a secret relationship with a family member's fiancee, and they decided to be together. He figured I'd cry or something. Little did he know...

[katrina1980]

But there are a lot of posts on this forum by people saying texting is "cowardly" or "not the proper way to end a relationship".

 

Also, those who say blocking is "mean" or "childish" or "immature" or that it serves no useful purpose.

 

I think the person being "ghosted" or who is on the receiving end of a "slow fade" is never going to like the way the news is delivered (or not delivered, as the case may be).

 

I got broken up with by email. And in my ex's case, he WAS being cowardly because he didn't want to admit that he didn't want to see me anymore because he'd been having a secret relationship with a family member's fiancee, and they decided to be together. He figured I'd cry or something. Little did he know...

 

I think in a long term relationship, ending it by text is cowardly and not proper. But dating casually, or not that long, I think sending a text is fine, much better than not saying anything and just ghosting. I find it hard to believe that people would rather be ghosted than have a short text sent to them, so they're not left wondering if they're ever going to hear from the person again. But maybe there are people that would prefer that.

 

I haven't been here that long yet, but most posts I have read encourage blocking as a good method to move on. I agree with what you said that when people are dumped, no matter the method, they're always going to feel hurt and wronged somehow. No matter how the dumping is done. I just think ghosting is weak and cowardly and disrespectful, I would never ever ghost on someone and if a man ever ghosted me (which I hope never happens as my boyfriend and I are talking marriage), I would lose all respect. I would want nothing to do with him after that, let alone go back for seconds.

[Lucha]

I see ghosting as a frequently used tactique in ending a superficial 'just dating' type relationship. Like in, when you met two or three times and there is no click. Then I consider it to be normal. When the investment was longer, a simple "I do not want to pursue this any further" is in place.

 

And no, it absolutely does not hurt the ghost-er (or ghost). They usually do not care about the other if they are ghosting.

[Fudgie]

I think it's okay to ghost if you've had one date. Otherwise, you owe the person a courtesy "no thanks". Remember, you can always send your "I'm sorry, this isn't working out" text and then immediately block them so you don't have to deal with any crap.

 

An actual relationship would merit a talk but that's just my opinion.

[LadyAbbey31]

 

I don't have much experience with this, but I would think if a person is so scared or emotionally broken as your guy was, they shouldn't be dating at all, and instead focus their efforts on figuring out why they're so scared and broken so they don't continue hurting people.

 

I couldn't agree more.

[catfeeder]

 

When I'm in a relationship I invest time, energy and effort. I care about the other person. So when the other person just disappears it really hurts.

 

Doesn't the other person hurt too?

 

What do you mean by 'relationship'? It's pretty common for people on dating apps to meet up and check one another out. If either doesn't want to date after that, then it's not necessary to do some squirmy rejection thing.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's just odds. I think of singles as carrying around a puzzle piece and meeting up with people to see if it fits. If not, that's not a reflection of any deficiency in either person--it just means that they're not good match for one another.

 

When someone fades out, you can consider them as having limited vision that doesn't recognize your unique value. So the goal is to keep meeting people until you stumble across simpatico with someone who 'gets you' and whose vision matches yours.

 

Sure, that's rare. It's supposed to be rare. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

 

Head high.

[katrina1980]

What do you mean by 'relationship'? It's pretty common for people on dating apps to meet up and check one another out. If either doesn't want to date after that, then it's not necessary to do some squirmy rejection thing.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's just odds. I think of singles as carrying around a puzzle piece and meeting up with people to see if it fits. If not, that's not a reflection of any deficiency in either person--it just means that they're not good match for one another.

 

When someone fades out, you can consider them as having limited vision that doesn't recognize your unique value. So the goal is to keep meeting people until you stumble across simpatico with someone who 'gets you' and whose vision matches yours.

 

Sure, that's rare. It's supposed to be rare. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

 

Head high.

 

I very much agree with this, what's sad though is that sometimes for some peeps even when we meet someone and feel that simpatico, we run from it. Fears, anxieties rear their ugly head and off we go pushing it away.

 

Finding love isn't easy and neither is dealing with all the emotions, fears and anxieties that accompany it.