cherubrock Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 Hello everyone! It's good to be back...I am still posting about the above story but with new happenings/perspectives. I still feel like the "water-boarding" event with my parents (mom to be more exact) affected either my sexuality or indirectly led me to behaviors that affected my sexuality. I still don't understand why I would "let" guys do whatever or just go with what they wanted to do even if I wasn't getting anything out of it. The first and only time I've had actual sex was in November last year and I barely felt pleasure. Even though he was insecure to the point of being abusive I still miss him sometimes, we finally ended it officially in January but I do feel more peace now, but I really do Love him still (and maybe always)! My therapist said (as many of you suggested as well) to build an emotional connection with a guy before physical...is that really all?? Like is it that simple? ?? I have NEVER encountered anyone with my same issue, I feel like a freak a lot of the times, like when I see that my brother is hooking up with random chicks from a dating app I feel like I cannot do that. Sometimes when I wake up I just feel like my life is just a huge burden and that no one will ever understand(or want to) me, my one friend who has slept with many guys last time I saw her she said "that I live like a monk" I also have been suffering from intrusive unwanted sexual thoughts (pure OCD) mostly about my dad, like I visulize that he has an erection when Im around him, I HATE it, it makes me feel anxious and disgusting. Sometimes its random men who I talk to. I don't know if it has to do with spending time in adult webcam sites where there are too many s on cam. Also I think it has to do with my mom's craziness about other women, about her weight and the fights they would have as a kid. I am seeing her with more objective eyes lately and some of the stuff I remember or think about makes me feel rage.. Today I woke up feeling pissed about some of my mom's past ways of being, like I think she was "over-protective" of me, I remember her driving to pick me up after after I had left with a guy to hang out, she just appeared where I was and I was already 22 or so. I am 26 now and just recently I joked that I was at a guy's place and she wanted me to give her the address. O.o I don't know its like I don't stand up to myself..like in relationships..or other areas in life...I'm trying to find a job to be productive, have something to do. But I just want a good relationship where I can feel sexual but that I'm not just doing it to "make him happy" or becuse "its what he wants" Thanks everyone for reading/responding Link to comment
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