cherubrock Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 Hello everyone! It's good to be back...I am still posting about the above story but with new happenings/perspectives. I still feel like the "water-boarding" event with my parents (mom to be more exact) affected either my sexuality or indirectly led me to behaviors that affected my sexuality. I still don't understand why I would "let" guys do whatever or just go with what they wanted to do even if I wasn't getting anything out of it. The first and only time I've had actual sex was in November last year and I barely felt pleasure. Even though he was insecure to the point of being abusive I still miss him sometimes, we finally ended it officially in January but I do feel more peace now, but I really do Love him still (and maybe always)! My therapist said (as many of you suggested as well) to build an emotional connection with a guy before physical...is that really all?? Like is it that simple? ?? I have NEVER encountered anyone with my same issue, I feel like a freak a lot of the times, like when I see that my brother is hooking up with random chicks from a dating app I feel like I cannot do that. Sometimes when I wake up I just feel like my life is just a huge burden and that no one will ever understand(or want to) me, my one friend who has slept with many guys last time I saw her she said "that I live like a monk" I also have been suffering from intrusive unwanted sexual thoughts (pure OCD) mostly about my dad, like I visulize that he has an erection when Im around him, I HATE it, it makes me feel anxious and disgusting. Sometimes its random men who I talk to. I don't know if it has to do with spending time in adult webcam sites where there are too many s on cam. Also I think it has to do with my mom's craziness about other women, about her weight and the fights they would have as a kid. I am seeing her with more objective eyes lately and some of the stuff I remember or think about makes me feel rage.. Today I woke up feeling pissed about some of my mom's past ways of being, like I think she was "over-protective" of me, I remember her driving to pick me up after after I had left with a guy to hang out, she just appeared where I was and I was already 22 or so. I am 26 now and just recently I joked that I was at a guy's place and she wanted me to give her the address. O.o I don't know its like I don't stand up to myself..like in relationships..or other areas in life...I'm trying to find a job to be productive, have something to do. But I just want a good relationship where I can feel sexual but that I'm not just doing it to "make him happy" or becuse "its what he wants" Thanks everyone for reading/responding Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 I haven 't read your previous post but I'll just jump in here impulsively and say that visualizing your Dad in that state is suspect. I don't mean to be out of line, but have you mentioned this to your therapist? I am surely not qualified by any means but the adult cams, acting out and all the shame you seem to have is really concerning. I hope you have the support you need and are still working with a therapist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted March 10, 2017 Author Share Posted March 10, 2017 I haven 't read your previous post but I'll just jump in here impulsively and say that visualizing your Dad in that state is suspect. What do you mean by suspect? In what way? I noticed I try to avoid being around my parents because of it..gives me anxiety. I did mention it to my therapist, she said to stop caring what "other people think" :S I know those behaviors and yes I do have some shame I guess...I know it's not good...its weird that I feel dirty but I don't even have sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 Agree, it makes no sense to engage in bad sex or lay there like a fish. Yes it's really that simple to build a relationship/emotional connection before having sex. Why does not wanting random hookups seem unique? Many people prefer dating or relationships to that. Do you live at home in a dysfunctional family? If so make your goal to get your own place. Focus on getting a job/job training. Ruminating all day long in a chaotic home is not a healthy nor therapeutic environment. If you have ocd thoughts, therapy is the way to go to help with that. Sex will not keep a guy.I still don't understand why I would "let" guys do whatever or just go with what they wanted to do even if I wasn't getting anything out of it. My therapist said to build an emotional connection with a guy before physical...is that really all?? Like is it that simple? I'm trying to find a job to be productive, have something to do. But I just want a good relationship where I can feel sexual but that I'm not just doing it to "make him happy" or becuse "its what he wants" I replied in the thread you referenced: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 I hope you are continuing to work with the therapist. Other than that I would rework your priorities if I were you in the following order: 1) Therapy 2) Getting a full time job 3) Learn and give that job your all so you can move on to a better job in the future for more $$ 4) Save up all so you can move out on your own 5) Move out - not just move out, but move away from your toxic childhood environment completely. Total change. 6) Continue to focus on work and making more $$ 7) Make new friends, shed your past 8 ) Find hobbies and things you enjoy doing that are completely different from your past 9) Continue with your therapy all along 10) Start dating, but set your standards high and talk through with your therapist honestly about who you are meeting, what they are doing, what you like and don't like about them, etc. Do not rush into a relationship. Learn to date and pick and choose what you do and don't like. If you do all of the above, your life will improve vastly and turn around so to speak. Meanwhile, get away from the internet and whatever web cam/porn sites, etc. It's just feeding your problems. Besides, without a job and without a purpose, everyone is going to start getting weird thoughts and obsessions. It's the by product of a bored mind. Finally, I don't have the challenges that you've faced in life and I cannot sleep with a guy without building up that trust, comfort and emotional connection first. That's actually typical for many women. You are not alone in that respect, you are not different. Your friend maybe can sleep around, but commenting to you the way she did is really wrong. That's why I said above, find new friends. People who would be more aligned to the new you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted March 10, 2017 Author Share Posted March 10, 2017 I hope you are continuing to work with the therapist. Other than that I would rework your priorities if I were you in the following order: 1) Therapy 2) Getting a full time job 3) Learn and give that job your all so you can move on to a better job in the future for more $$ 4) Save up all so you can move out on your own 5) Move out - not just move out, but move away from your toxic childhood environment completely. Total change. 6) Continue to focus on work and making more $$ 7) Make new friends, shed your past 8 ) Find hobbies and things you enjoy doing that are completely different from your past 9) Continue with your therapy all along 10) Start dating, but set your standards high and talk through with your therapist honestly about who you are meeting, what they are doing, what you like and don't like about them, etc. Do not rush into a relationship. Learn to date and pick and choose what you do and don't like. If you do all of the above, your life will improve vastly and turn around so to speak. Meanwhile, get away from the internet and whatever web cam/porn sites, etc. It's just feeding your problems. Besides, without a job and without a purpose, everyone is going to start getting weird thoughts and obsessions. It's the by product of a bored mind. Finally, I don't have the challenges that you've faced in life and I cannot sleep with a guy without building up that trust, comfort and emotional connection first. That's actually typical for many women. You are not alone in that respect, you are not different. Your friend maybe can sleep around, but commenting to you the way she did is really wrong. That's why I said above, find new friends. People who would be more aligned to the new you. Thank you for your reply, was really thorough and a good guideline. I stopped going to my therapist..thinking of seeing a new one along with seeing a psychiatrist (meds to lower the anxiety) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted March 10, 2017 Author Share Posted March 10, 2017 I do see that I've been sort of having a seemingly purposeless existence, especially after I finished my degree and didn't know exactly what to do with it. I was going to this online webcam site and ended up in a "relationship". So yes I can see that lack of purpose and no job has influenced my issues. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted March 10, 2017 Author Share Posted March 10, 2017 That is what I felt like, like a fish It's not really "unique" to not want random hookups, just I guess surrounded or known people who do that..My family (or mom) has cooled down a lot...but the past seems like it's "awake" in my head since recently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted March 10, 2017 Author Share Posted March 10, 2017 But what sort of irks me is the fact that I did get pleasure from cam sex...I don't know what it is...maybe I don't feel "rushed", or I feel "safe", and the faces of pleasure he made during cam sex he didn't do in real life....actually he kind of did poker face in real life...I don't know...it was something erotic about cam sex...that I just didn't really feel irl with him.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 But what sort of irks me is the fact that I did get pleasure from cam sex...I don't know what it is...maybe I don't feel "rushed", or I feel "safe", and the faces of pleasure he made during cam sex he didn't do in real life....actually he kind of did poker face in real life...I don't know...it was something erotic about cam sex...that I just didn't really feel irl with him.... That's kind of the problem with though isn't it? It isn't quite real and the person on the other side may be acting and doing things they wouldn't do in real life. That comfort is something you need to seek out in real life, but it comes with strength and the capacity to weed out ruthlessly people who are not suitable for you. Also, not jumping into sex, but actually taking time to get to know each other, date, build comfort and connection before you ever sleep with them. It's ok to use porn to relieve yourself shall we say from time to time, but beware that it doesn't turn into your only thing and an addiction. As for web cams with strangers....honestly, that's just a path you want to step off of. Seriously, focus on more important things in life. You can't have a normal life unless you find the courage to leave your toxic environment behind you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 Because it's more like mutual masturbation than sex and avoids a lot of emotional intimacy. It's easy compared to real relationships and real sex.But what sort of irks me is the fact that I did get pleasure from cam sex...it was something erotic about cam sex...that I just didn't really feel irl with him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted March 10, 2017 Author Share Posted March 10, 2017 That's kind of the problem with though isn't it? It isn't quite real and the person on the other side may be acting and doing things they wouldn't do in real life. That comfort is something you need to seek out in real life, but it comes with strength and the capacity to weed out ruthlessly people who are not suitable for you. Also, not jumping into sex, but actually taking time to get to know each other, date, build comfort and connection before you ever sleep with them. It's ok to use porn to relieve yourself shall we say from time to time, but beware that it doesn't turn into your only thing and an addiction. As for web cams with strangers....honestly, that's just a path you want to step off of. Seriously, focus on more important things in life. You can't have a normal life unless you find the courage to leave your toxic environment behind you. I feel this is so true...it IS just fantasy..I don't know how I was and have been so misguided in life...I don't really know what catapulted me into such a weird or unusual way of being. This comfort irl is exactly what I desire. Thanks for saying that. I don't use porn...I have done live cam sex...but yeah I agree it can't really lead to any long-term good. Web cam sex was my only thing in the past 2 years give or take a date or two irl... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cherubrock Posted March 10, 2017 Author Share Posted March 10, 2017 Because it's more like mutual masturbation than sex and avoids a lot of emotional intimacy. It's easy compared to real relationships and real sex. Yes but why am I so "afraid"??? or so averse to "real" sex......the "real" sex didn't really feel real to me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.