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Curious about her reaction


melancholy123

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Just thinking out loud, they might not have divorced after 3 years because they are still arguing about the settlement details. Or one has better insurance than the other, so they are legally married for that reason, especially if one of them has health issues.

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Just thinking out loud, they might not have divorced after 3 years because they are still arguing about the settlement details. Or one has better insurance than the other, so they are legally married for that reason, especially if one of them has health issues.

 

That isn't it. She owned the house, he didnt want to own real estate. He is the kind of person who would gather his stuff and fit it in his car and say adios. There'd be pretty much nothing to argue about. Insurance isn't an issue in Ontario, Canada. Neither have health issues. I think it's more likely they just dont see it as important or a priority or maybe dont want to split the cost to get it over with. It won't be any of the usual reasons!

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Solely from my own perspective -

 

I don't think that you're at all trying to justify *why* you posed the question that you did, but rather you are trying to understand what was 'wrong' because you were met with her (my words) inexplicable and over the top reaction.

 

I do not believe that you would have asked her about her divorce in front of her boyfriend if she had given you any reason to suspect this was an unwelcome subject. I do not believe that you would have asked it, at all, in fact, had she not broached the subject of her ex-husband, herself and then chosen to ask you questions about her ex-husband, herself and discuss him at her leisure that same evening.

 

You aren't a gossip or intrusive. You aren't inconsiderate or obtuse. I don't think that you're remotely interested in her drama or his, the ex-husband, for that matter. You had a mild curiosity about a subject she broached and she pursued.

 

How on earth you were supposed to suddenly divine when that and/or when the subject was on and off limits is beyond me.

 

I have no doubts about your intent. You didn't even want to discuss the topic at all and she put you in an enormously thoughtless (on her part) and uncomfortable situation by querying you about him and asking you questions that satisfied her interest in him.

 

I have no idea what her reasoning could be that from her own behavior, you were to then know that the subject of her ex-husband was off-limits to you.

 

She put it in the mix herself. And she could have taken the opportunity when she did so to alert you that she was uncomfortable discussing it in front of her new boyfriend. She chose to say nothing at all to let you in on this apparent 'boundary' she arbitrarily enforces and waives as it suits her agenda in the moment.

 

Whatever conversation with her new boyfriend resulted from her introducing the subject of her husband is her issue from start to finish.

 

In my estimation, she didn't just shoot the messenger.

 

She pressed you into the messenger role and *then* shot the messenger a day later when her (various, who knows) actions became untenable for her.

 

I think she sounds quite flaky and irascible.

 

I've thought about this in order to try to give you solid feedback and I simply do not see what you possibly did wrong.

 

You posted about this because you were bewildered by it, not because you were justifying your contribution to her issues. I'd have been gobsmacked, myself, by her behavior.

 

And unlike you, I wouldn't be so gracious in trying to understand her irrational blaming and self-serving fault-finding.

 

In summary, again, just my 2¢, I think she messed up. Big ways, tiny ones, once or several times, it all comes back to rest solely on her lack of communication and poor communication.

 

I just don't think that you did anything wrong in this.

 

All she can claim accurately is that you are not a mind-reader and I've seen nothing from you that you have any problem with acknowledging that you won't be working for the psychic friends network any time soon.

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I do not believe that you would have asked her about her divorce in front of her boyfriend if she had given you any reason to suspect this was an unwelcome subject. I do not believe that you would have asked it, at all, in fact, had she not broached the subject of her ex-husband, herself and then chosen to ask you questions about her ex-husband, herself and discuss him at her leisure that same evening.

 

You aren't a gossip or intrusive. You aren't inconsiderate or obtuse. I don't think that you're remotely interested in her drama or his, the ex-husband, for that matter. You had a mild curiosity about a subject she broached and she pursued.

 

This exactly. The friend was the one who brought the topic of the ex-husband up to begin with, so she opened herself up for the question. When something is a sore point, don't be the first to bring it up then act offended someone else continued the conversation to it's natural conclusion that they started in the first place.

 

OP saw it was a touchy subject and dropped it. Friend should have apologized for putting her on the spot, not the other way around. Plus what's with asking about the ex-husband in front of the new boyfriend? Didn't anyone else pick up that that was extremely insensitive to him?

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This exactly. The friend was the one who brought the topic of the ex-husband up to begin with, so she opened herself up for the question. When something is a sore point, don't be the first to bring it up then act offended someone else continued the conversation to it's natural conclusion that they started in the first place.

 

OP saw it was a touchy subject and dropped it. Friend should have apologized for putting her on the spot, not the other way around. Plus what's with asking about the ex-husband in front of the new boyfriend? Didn't anyone else pick up that that was extremely insensitive to him?

 

When she asked about the ex husband I was walking beside her and my husband and her new bf were directly behind us, less than a foot or two away, so he may well have heard her ask me about her ex. She wasn't whispering, she was talking normally. If the bf didnt know she was married, that's on her to have told him. I do think she would have told him she was still married, she's a rather open person plus it's a logical thing to discuss with a potential new lover. He was open with us about his marriages and kids. It had been a lovely day/evening with them that didnt end so well, unfortunately, but no harm was intended by me.

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Thanks Dahl, you have interpreted my thoughts and actions properly. I felt like asking her, via text the next day, why she was so upset, but I chose not to, I didnt want to get into an argument with her or start anything, that's not my nature, and I did wonder if I was wrong, so I decided to let it go at a sincere apology.

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I'm sorry, melancholy - I commend you on your sensitivity, sincerely.

 

I think she may possibly be one of the people with the mindset that they'd rather be 'right' than 'happy.'

 

And I already assumed that you have bigger and better things you're thinking about. I would just be as guarded as you feel comfortable being, as I personally expect this is, for now, at least, her consistent approach to mismanaging her own difficulties.

 

I'm glad you're not letting it bother you and I hope she comes around, for her sake, as well.

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I'm sorry, melancholy - I commend you on your sensitivity, sincerely.

 

I think she may possibly be one of the people with the mindset that they'd rather be 'right' than 'happy.'

 

And I already assumed that you have bigger and better things you're thinking about. I would just be as guarded as you feel comfortable being, as I personally expect this is, for now, at least, her consistent approach to mismanaging her own difficulties.

 

I'm glad you're not letting it bother you and I hope she comes around, for her sake, as well.

 

Thanks again Dahl. I dont really like this woman, but she ran a school I went to for 10 years and her ex husband was a teacher of mine. We went to their wedding, so we were all friends, tho he's easier to be a friend to than she is. She is on the snooty side, and not one of my fave people, but I can be polite and since I hadn't seen her in about 3 yrs I was fine with meeting up with her on holiday. She was much nicer than the last many times I'd been in her company, she is a right fighter and I believe considers herself to be above a lot of the rest of us. But, as I said, I was fine with meeting with her and we all had a nice time. I assumed this new fellow had helped her to become happier and more laid back, so that was all good too.

 

I won't let this bother me, it's over with now, I just wanted the opinions of others as to what may have made her react the way she did.

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It sounds like she was embarrassed that this was brought up in front of her new bf. Let the dust settle.

I asked her if she and her ex husband had gotten divorced yet. She looked surprised and shocked I asked that and said - officially? I said - sure...as she really seemed off kilter from my question. Her bf said quietly - shall I leave now?
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