Curious about her reaction

[melancholy123]

I'm female and had a strange reaction from a female who is not what I'd call a friend, but she's more than an acquaintance. I've known her about 11 years. She and her new boyfriend were holidaying in a small town that my husband and myself were going to. I am a good friend of her ex-husband, who I haven't seen in a year as I have moved. So, we planned to meet up in this small town. I hadn't seen her in almost 3 years. I wanted to meet her new bf.

 

We all had a nice time, went for dinner, stopped for margaritas, wandered around the town, etc. We talked about many things and she did ask a few things about her ex husband and I honestly replied I didnt know much about what he was doing. It was a fun evening.

 

At the end of the evening I asked her if she and her ex husband had gotten divorced yet. She looked surprised and shocked I asked that and said - officially? I said - sure...as she really seemed off kilter from my question. Her bf said quietly - shall I leave now? I was puzzled and he did not leave or back away, and she laughed and so did I, as I was trying to smooth over what seemed to be a bad question to ask. We all parted on good terms, or so I thought.

 

The next morning I texted her to say we'd had a fun time, we enjoyed meeting her new bf and wished her well on the rest of her vacation. She wrote back totally PO'd with me! She said she was upset and embarrassed and couldn't believe I'd asked her if she was divorced. She said she didnt mind telling me about it, but not then and there.

 

I wrote back and apologized up and down, said I had no idea I'd upset her, it was not my intention, I didnt have anyone else to ask, and after 3 yrs of them being split up I figured it was ancient history. I apologized again.

 

She wrote back and said it's ok, dont worry. As we are not close friends at all, I haven't heard from her again, which is what I expected. However I am baffled by her reaction. I've thought about this for close to a month and all I can come up with is she never told the new bf that she was married! What else could it be? It's my only theory. FWIW she is 59 and he is 65+ so they are not kids by any means.

 

I am posting here to see if anyone can come up with a reason why she'd get so upset at me asking her that. All opinions are appreciated. Thanks!

[J Miracle]

If she has a new boyfriend, shouldn't it be implied that her and her ex are divorced, or at the very least separated?

[notalady]

I don't think her reaction is that unusual. Perhaps it's a sensitive subject for her. Or she just doesn't like discussing her relationship/marriage history in a group setting, in front of a new boyfriend. It might give an impression that her ex is still in her life somehow.

 

Why did you ask anyway? Were they not officially divorced straight away?

 

I had a male friend bring up my ex when we were having a double date / catch up dinner, with my boyfriend of 1.5 years present. He asked what was my ex's name, because he often runs into my ex as they work in the same building and it's awkward just nodding and not knowing his name.

 

I thought that was inappropriate. I didn't say anything to him, as my boyfriend didn't seem to mind and the guy's girlfriend quickly chimed in with some humour and moved the topic along. I wasn't offended but did spend a few seconds observing my boyfriend's reaction to make sure it wasn't awkward for him and he didn't mind. If he wasn't there, I wouldn't mind my friend asking. But I did think at the time, seriously what possessed you to talk about my ex in front of my boyfriend? It's a big no-no socially, in my books. It's inconsiderate. You don't know what's going on in their relationship and you don't know how they feel about talking about the ex in a group/couples setting. It's a social awareness and sensitivity thing to me.

 

I wouldn't have reacted the way your friend did, but then again I'm very low drama so I don't like to confront people on things I don't think are essential, but I can understand feeling a bit offended or upset by it.

[annie24]

It sounds like you brought up a sore subject for her and her boyfriend. I guess that's what the reaction was all about. I'm not sure what she told him or didn't tell him, but definitely it sounds like it wasn't a good topic for dinner conversation.

[Matt3939]

Sometimes it's better just to go with jokes and toilet humor. That way you are the one they talk about in a foul sense. It might actually bring them closer if you are a smith in this trade.

[Hollyj]

You had nothing to apologize for. This is on her.

 

If she has such an issue with her marital status, then she should be divorced.

 

Don't worry about it.

[melancholy123]

If she has a new boyfriend, shouldn't it be implied that her and her ex are divorced, or at the very least separated?

 

 

They'd been separated almost 3 yrs. She's been with the new bf for about 4 months.

[melancholy123]

I don't think her reaction is that unusual. Perhaps it's a sensitive subject for her. Or she just doesn't like discussing her relationship/marriage history in a group setting, in front of a new boyfriend. It might give an impression that her ex is still in her life somehow.

 

Why did you ask anyway? Were they not officially divorced straight away?

 

I wouldn't have reacted the way your friend did, but then again I'm very low drama so I don't like to confront people on things I don't think are essential, but I can understand feeling a bit offended or upset by it.

 

 

Yes it does seem to be a sensitive subject for her. The group was just the 4 of us, she's known my husband for 11 yrs as well. I asked because I was curious, no other reason. I moved last year, I haven't seen anyone from our old area who may have told me what was going on with them. No they are not divorced. I would have figured they would be after 3 years. I know there is no chance they will get back together, so she's not pining after him, she's moved on. I honestly dont see why she got upset unless she hadn't told the new guy she was married or still married to a guy she's been separated from for 3 yrs. If it was me, I would not get upset at that question and I'd have told my new guy of my marital status.

[melancholy123]

It sounds like you brought up a sore subject for her and her boyfriend. I guess that's what the reaction was all about. I'm not sure what she told him or didn't tell him, but definitely it sounds like it wasn't a good topic for dinner conversation.

 

It does seem to be a sore spot. I do wish I'd asked her when the new bf wasn't around, but I really didnt think it was a big deal after 3 yrs.

[Dahl]

I don't see what you did *wrong* in simply inquiring if her divorce had been finalized. She'd already broached the topic of her ex-husband, and she was out with a new partner.

 

I absolutely don't agree that she should take you to task the day after the fact via text. Or why she waited to discuss it after you had sent her a courteous thank you and wish you all well text, first.

 

I'm sure your question was innocuous and I'm not at all seeing how you could know she felt the subject of her divorce, proper, was somehow off limits, particularly after she solicited information about the man through you and seemingly had no issues with discussing him at that point.

 

I agree with the other posters that it's a likely sore spot or possible source of embarrassment for her due to the new boyfriend. I just don't know how you could have gleaned that her inquires were the limit to her interest in the topic.

 

I've also seen your posts here and it's clear to me that you take pains to be considerate. You strike me as a resoundingly fair-minded person, in general, so I'm having difficulty with the idea that someone who knows you in person, close friend or not, doesn't give you well-earned benefit of the doubt before unloading her personal discomfort on you.

 

FWIW, I suspect that a can of worms was opened in her point of view by this query being made in the presence of the new bloke.

 

I do not believe that you did the opening, as she brought him up, and ultimately, she's the one sitting on the can, in any event.

 

I'm sorry this happened and I don't think that you are anything but someone in the wrong place at the wrong time, conversationally.

 

On a related note, someone wrote in a response to another thread, "not my circus, not my monkeys," which made me smile to myself. I'm borrowing the phrase for the imagery, here, and I hope it helps take any sting out of being unfairly (in my estimation) rebuked. Cheers!

[melancholy123]

You had nothing to apologize for. This is on her.

 

If she has such an issue with her marital status, then she should be divorced.

 

Don't worry about it.

 

Thanks Hollyj, that's how I feel about it. I was upset with myself at first as I dont go around trying to make people feel bad. Then I started wondering why she got so upset. For the new bf to say - shall I leave now - makes me think there's things he doesnt know and maybe should know. The whole thing was weird.

[Hollyj]

Thanks Hollyj, that's how I feel about it. I was upset with myself at first as I dont go around trying to make people feel bad. Then I started wondering why she got so upset. For the new bf to say - shall I leave now - makes me think there's things he doesnt know and maybe should know. The whole thing was weird.

 

Yup, yup, yup! This is her deal. You did nothing wrong.

[annie24]

At the end of the evening I asked her if she and her ex husband had gotten divorced yet. She looked surprised and shocked I asked that and said - officially? I said - sure...as she really seemed off kilter from my question. Her bf said quietly - shall I leave now? I was puzzled and he did not leave or back away, and she laughed and so did I, as I was trying to smooth over what seemed to be a bad question to ask. We all parted on good terms, or so I thought.

 

The next morning I texted her to say we'd had a fun time, we enjoyed meeting her new bf and wished her well on the rest of her vacation. She wrote back totally PO'd with me! She said she was upset and embarrassed and couldn't believe I'd asked her if she was divorced. She said she didnt mind telling me about it, but not then and there.

 

This exchange makes me wonder if she and her bf had an argument about this recently..... or she had told him part of the story but not all of it?

[melancholy123]

Thank you Dahl! She sure surprised me with her rant at me the next day, I didnt see that coming! So perhaps it boils down to what she's told or not told the new guy. Her ex husband and I are pretty good friends, I get along with him very well and always have. I had told her ex husband we'd be seeing her and he asked me to not tell him about it, he doesnt want to know, and to please not tell her anything about him. I hate being in the middle! Anyway I said yes to his requests. I was vague to her when answering her questions about him, tho she knew he was in the same country the rest of us were in at the time, on holiday.

 

You'd think when she was getting to know this new bf (they met online) the subject of marital status would have come up! He's been married a couple of times, has a few kids. This ex husband of hers (my friend) is her 2nd failed marriage.

 

Thank you for saying I try to be considerate. That is very true! I think before I speak, most of the time! I had planned to ask her if they'd gotten divorced but I seem to have chosen the wrong time to ask her that. Yes I seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time asking the wrong question! I've promised myself to never get in that situation with anyone else ever again. If I want to ask something personal, I'll do it when nobody else is around. I really felt terrible for upsetting her. I'm over it now, and just wanted to get some opinions.

[melancholy123]

This exchange makes me wonder if she and her bf had an argument about this recently..... or she had told him part of the story but not all of it?

 

Perhaps she did tell him something that wasn't true or only partly true. I wondered if she said she'd never been married. If that was the case, then I really opened a big can of worms! I've never known her to be a liar, so I doubt that's the case but you never know.

[annie24]

Perhaps she did tell him something that wasn't true or only partly true. I wondered if she said she'd never been married. If that was the case, then I really opened a big can of worms! I've never known her to be a liar, so I doubt that's the case but you never know.

 

yeah, sometimes people don't tell the whole truth when it comes to their divorce story - or they tell part of the truth. I see guys online list their status as "divorced" or "single" but then after a few emails, they tell you they are separated.... oh and oops, they haven't actually moved out yet. Hmmmm.

[melancholy123]

yeah, sometimes people don't tell the whole truth when it comes to their divorce story - or they tell part of the truth. I see guys online list their status as "divorced" or "single" but then after a few emails, they tell you they are separated.... oh and oops, they haven't actually moved out yet. Hmmmm.

 

That's about all I have for this scenario! It's one of those things I doubt I'll ever understand, the odds of seeing her again are small. I do think she and the new guy need to have a serious talk if they haven't already done so.

[annie24]

That's about all I have for this scenario! It's one of those things I doubt I'll ever understand, the odds of seeing her again are small. I do think she and the new guy need to have a serious talk if they haven't already done so.

 

yeah, I'm guessing they did after dinner.

[ParisPaulette]

Her reaction was over the top. One cannot remain in limbo on a marriage for three years, be dating new people, and then take any sort of stand to get upset when someone questions them about their marital status. She was out of line, in my opinion.

 

Much ado about nothing. Relax, you didn't do anything wrong. She needs to finish getting a divorce if she's out dating though, just my two cents. Or yes, this will not be the only time she gets asked that. In fact, it may well be she has been asked this several times now and you just caught the brunt of whatever guilt/annoyance/I wish people would stop asking me that from what she already had with other incidents.

 

And sometimes people are just touchy about such things, but it's not like she had told you, "Please don't talk about it," and she was the one asking questions about her ex, so yes she was the one out of line, not you.

[notalady]

Thank you Dahl! She sure surprised me with her rant at me the next day, I didnt see that coming! So perhaps it boils down to what she's told or not told the new guy. Her ex husband and I are pretty good friends, I get along with him very well and always have. I had told her ex husband we'd be seeing her and he asked me to not tell him about it, he doesnt want to know, and to please not tell her anything about him. I hate being in the middle! Anyway I said yes to his requests. I was vague to her when answering her questions about him, tho she knew he was in the same country the rest of us were in at the time, on holiday.

 

You'd think when she was getting to know this new bf (they met online) the subject of marital status would have come up! He's been married a couple of times, has a few kids. This ex husband of hers (my friend) is her 2nd failed marriage.

 

Thank you for saying I try to be considerate. That is very true! I think before I speak, most of the time! I had planned to ask her if they'd gotten divorced but I seem to have chosen the wrong time to ask her that. Yes I seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time asking the wrong question! I've promised myself to never get in that situation with anyone else ever again. If I want to ask something personal, I'll do it when nobody else is around. I really felt terrible for upsetting her. I'm over it now, and just wanted to get some opinions.

 

I don't think it's "being in the middle" by not passing on information between the ex couple, it's the opposite of being in the middle. You probably didn't need to tell him you were seeing her, I think he was right to request not to have his information passed on and not wanting to hear anything about her.

 

I think it's all speculation / borderline gossip what she has or hasn't disclosed to her new boyfriend or what else is going on there.

 

She definitely didn't act appropriately by first ask about her ex leading you to think it's a safe subject, then get mad and sent you a rant when you asked a follow up question. But I think for self improvement (since there's nothing you can do about what she does or doesn't do), if it was me anyway, I would remember to be more careful about things I say to people. We all put our foot in our mouth sometimes, whether the reaction is warranted or not.

[nutbrownhare]

I think her reaction with the rant was OTT, but, to be honest... I think asking about her divorce while her new boyfriend was there was a tad insensitive, and I can understand why she was uncomfortable with it. Not just on her own behalf, but for her new boyfriend - who clearly felt embarrassed as well.

 

You don't know how much of a sore point it might be. Having said that, she could have dealt with it far more graciously than she did - or, better still, forgotten the whole thing - and that really is HER stuff and not yours.

 

However, when you say

I didnt have anyone else to ask, and after 3 yrs of them being split up I figured it was ancient history.

actually, their marital status is none of your business and I can totally understand why she didn't want to discuss it there and then. She's not obliged to discuss it with you at all.

 

(I'm just cringing mentally for her new bf... )

[catfeeder]

I understand her reaction and would view that as a jarring question to be asked in front of my new lover.

[Batya33]

I agree with catfeeder but I know and she hopefully knows you were just careless not malicious.

[melancholy123]

Her reaction was over the top. One cannot remain in limbo on a marriage for three years, be dating new people, and then take any sort of stand to get upset when someone questions them about their marital status. She was out of line, in my opinion.

 

Much ado about nothing. Relax, you didn't do anything wrong. She needs to finish getting a divorce if she's out dating though, just my two cents. Or yes, this will not be the only time she gets asked that. In fact, it may well be she has been asked this several times now and you just caught the brunt of whatever guilt/annoyance/I wish people would stop asking me that from what she already had with other incidents.

 

And sometimes people are just touchy about such things, but it's not like she had told you, "Please don't talk about it," and she was the one asking questions about her ex, so yes she was the one out of line, not you.

 

Thanks for your comments, you always have good advice and seem very level headed. I have no idea why they are not divorced, nor do I care. It would seem logical to get a divorce before 3 yrs has passed, but who knows? I really didnt think I'd asked a forbidden question, so I was certainly shocked about her reaction.

[melancholy123]

Notalady, you can be sure I won't get myself in that type of situation again!