I ended it - why do I feel this way?

[LMTOC123]

First allow me to summarize the situation - I know its long but hear me out -

 

I am 20 years older than my ex and we met via casual walks in the park with our dogs. I knew all along she and I had no future due to the complete differences we had in life goals. She's 34, never been married and no kids and was really struggling with that when we started our friendship. We talked in detail about those things as If I was acting as her Father giving advise.

 

As time went on we grew closer and closer and started a relationship. I have to say it was the first one for me in almost 8 years since my divorce. I was so excited that someone showed me love and affection that I made her my life. I was so taken that someone that much younger than me could care or even be attracted to me that I just wanted to put a shell around it so no one could take it away from me.

 

I didnt understand how someone so beautiful and 20 years my junior could care for me that I lived in a state of protection of her and us so much so I smothered her. I pushed for things to move faster than needed and I was so quick to want to label our relationship as that is what my mind told me I needed to do to. I was so afraid that the age difference would be an issue, I made it an issue...She didn't.

 

During the first few months we were together she still had her ex's pic as her screen saver on her phone. I asked about it and she would just say it's not because of him, it's the beautiful background of the pic is why she kept it on there. Needless to say, instead of accepting her actions I felt threatened. I always felt she would find someone younger, better suited for her dreams and better than me. I was always jealous and questioned things I think due to me wanting to not loose what I had. She would stay with me almost every night but I wasnt included in a lot of her plans the next day. She would go out to tailgate parties and not ask me to go but then send me pics of all the fun she was having. But never asking me to go. Instead of me seeing it as her time alone I felt as if she didnt want me to meet her friends due to my age difference and she was just trying to make me miss her or get me jealous.

 

We had some amazing times together in the 5 months we were together but also had some bad arguments due to my consistent jealousy and thinking she was always looking for someone younger or better suited for her. When she probably wasnt at that time. I had even stated during some of our arguments that I wasnt the right one for her and she needed to find him. Why I said that I don't know, but it was were my mind allowed me to think it was the right thing to say instead of listening to her. As if I needed the upper hand and wanted her to always confess her love for me and beg me to not leave her.

 

Needless to say, it all came to a head about 1 month ago. While driving her home at the end of an evening, she asked if she was staying at my place or hers that night. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said, I want to know what you want me to do. When i said, I'd love for you to stay but if your tired go ahead and get some rest. She then said, Oh you don't want me to stay with you? I didnt know what to say and this was something that she would do almost every time at the end of the evenings together. It was like a game and no matter how I answered it - I would be wrong. I dropped her off at her home and left quickly as I felt she didnt want to stay but wanted me to be the one to tell her not too. I always wanted her to stay with me but I wanted to try to feel the right things and if she was tried it was ok. Yet inside I always felt that if she didnt want to stay with me it was due to her talking, texting or looking for someone else. And yes i did something even more wrong by looking at her text message on her phone one morning why she was in the shower. I saw where she was still texting her ex a lot. I killed me inside that I wasnt good enough for her and she was looking for something else or couldn't let go of what she had before and was I only a rebound for her. She explained it as she didnt think it was an issue to still be talking to him. That the texts were just about updates in their lives and so on. Yet Im thinking to my self, this is someone that told me she loved me but is still talking to her ex. She then said in an angry way, He has some of my stuff and If I don't talk to him he will not return those items. Which of course I didnt understand that at all. But instead of trying to understand I assumed if she was doing this - she really didnt love me. Man was I ever wrong.

 

I did so many things wrong, jealousy, control issues and most of all insecurities of my own that I drove her away. When we sat down to talk after the most recent issue, she said to me that she would stay with me sometimes so I wouldn't get disappointed with her even though she didnt want to stay. It hurt me deeply to hear that and Instead of trying to understand her - I said I cant do this anymore and it was over. We needed time apart and then see what happens. She grabbed her things she had with her and I asked her to take some other cloths she had at my place so as all her belongs were gone.

 

We kissed goodbye and she texted me when she got home. She said she was safe and apologized for making me feel that she didnt want to be with me. She said I'll never know how much you mean to me and that I love you! I responded with I understood and I was sorry that I ever gave her reason to feel that way and she needed to be in a relationship that never made her feel like that again. I told her I loved her too and that time apart was needed when i knew in my heart that's not what I wanted. As if I was wanting her to come crawling back to me. We exchanged a few "thinking about you" texts but nothing more after that.

 

About a week later we she came over to watch the super bowl with me and we exchanged a few hugs and kisses but it was never anything more than that. We've exchanged positive texts after than and I asked her several times to met me out somewhere or for a hike with our dogs. She always would give a detailed answer as to why she couldn't meet me but never offered a different time or anything. Just detail about how much she had going on and couldn't join me.

 

A week or so passed by and communication became less and I tried to move on. I felt I was doing too much to try to see her and I had to stop. She texted me a few times related to a small surgery I was having to see if I was ok but that was it. A few days later, I stopped at a pet store to get some dog food and guess who came around the corner and almost ran into me. Her and her dog. Except this time she was with another man and his dog. I didnt know what to do or how to react as I immediately thought - she's moved on already. She gave me a "one armed" hug and asked how i was. Never introducing me to him or anything. He just stood there quietly. The meeting It only about 1 min and I knew I had to walk away correctly. So I said it was great to see her and then looked at him and introduced myself with a hand shake and he did also. I then walked away. I was crushed - how could she have someone new already. No matter if they were just friends I felt as if I didnt mean anything to her and she was already on to someone new.

 

It's been 14 days now and I haven't heard a word from her and I haven't tried to contact her. I ended this and I am heart broken and cant seem to get past her.

 

Is it because I miss her, the thought of her, the closeness I hadn't felt in so long? Or is it I cant get over how badly I treated her and that she encompassed my everyday activities and now I have no one. I felt I had to fight for her to stay with me when I ultimately pushed her away. I honestly don't want her back - I don't deserve her and I know her goals in life don't match mine and her new man appears to be very close to her age. I truly want her to be happy and Ive always pushed her to continue her dreams and not to allow anything or anyone (including myself) to get in the way.

 

I have purchased some book on over coming jealousy, possessiveness and insecurities. I have deep dived into those to help me overcome my issues and to correct my faults. I see now what I have done and lost a love that was so important to me.

 

Why cant I get passed her? Why cant I move on. I feel compelled to apologize to her for how I hurt her. Yes there was some fault on her part but mainly mine. Where do I go from here?

[reinventmyself]

That was a sad story and I am sorry you are going through this.

I don't know what I can say to make it better other than you probably did the right thing. I think

you ultimately knew it would end eventually and you sabotaged it and tested it the entire time so it

wouldn't have a chance.

Why can't you move on? Because it's only been 14 days. Be patient and give this some time.

As you are already aware there are some very valuable lessons to be learned here.

You can take this experience with you and be a better partner in your next relationship. . with someone better suited.

 

I don't think an apology is necessary. I think you both know why it didn't work. Just let it go and work at moving forward.

[nutbrownhare]

Don't contact her, as that will guarantee you won't move on. 14 days isn't long after a breakup, and it's natural you should still be feeling hurt.

 

However... learn from this. It looks as though your depth of feeling for her in such a short period of time is a reflection of your own loneliness, rather than a genuine connection with her. Sure, relationships end... but when someone has such a HUGE role in your life, it can't be healthy. "One and Only" usually leads to "None and Lonely". If you lead a rich, fulfilled life with a good support network you are far less likely to feel jealous or possessive in your relationships.

 

If someone is still in a great deal of contact with an ex, it's a pretty fair indication that they haven't moved on, and they still have a foot in the previous relationship. This is not someone who will be available to you. The age difference isn't as important as the fact that you are at different stages in life; she wanted to go out and party, you didn't... and your long term goals were very different. This is not the stuff of a lasting relationship, and it was just a question of 'when' it was going to end, rather than 'if'.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Don't beat yourself up over this, as you mentioned you weren't on the same page all along. Great you are looking back fondly at this and moving forward, reading books, etc. Doesn't seem to be about jealousy, just wrong places in life.

 

This is where it probably went wrong 123;6769190] We talked in detail about those things as If I was acting as her Father giving advise.

[LMTOC123]

Don't contact her, as that will guarantee you won't move on. 14 days isn't long after a breakup, and it's natural you should still be feeling hurt.

 

However... learn from this. It looks as though your depth of feeling for her in such a short period of time is a reflection of your own loneliness, rather than a genuine connection with her. Sure, relationships end... but when someone has such a HUGE role in your life, it can't be healthy. "One and Only" usually leads to "None and Lonely". If you lead a rich, fulfilled life with a good support network you are far less likely to feel jealous or possessive in your relationships.

 

If someone is still in a great deal of contact with an ex, it's a pretty fair indication that they haven't moved on, and they still have a foot in the previous relationship. This is not someone who will be available to you. The age difference isn't as important as the fact that you are at different stages in life; she wanted to go out and party, you didn't... and your long term goals were very different. This is not the stuff of a lasting relationship, and it was just a question of 'when' it was going to end, rather than 'if'.

 

I havent contacted her at all - I dont want to re-kindle or a friendship either. You are right, I went from having not much going on in my life as work and travel always kept me from making too many friends here. So I basically went from nothing to going on to always having something to do with her most nights and weekends. Now Im back to being by myself. I am working on getting out more and trying to meet more people and so on. I have a great support system in family and some friends also.

 

I will make it - just I guess more than anything is knowing she's moved on so fast and I'm still struggling. I have learned in my reading and journey to work on my issues that Pain and Hurt are not reason to second guess my decision to end it. And I know it was the right thing to do as I am sure she did too. I am lucky that the little contact we had once it was over was always pleasant and no one seemed to be mad at the other. So that's a blessing I would believe.

[KantSleep]

The age gap troubled you too much - it made you feel insecure. You now know this doesn't work for you - as it brings out the worst in you. Down the road, a relationship with a lady closer to your age is probably your best bet. I would just let this go... Sorry you are hurting.

[LMTOC123]

That was a sad story and I am sorry you are going through this.

I don't know what I can say to make it better other than you probably did the right thing. I think

you ultimately knew it would end eventually and you sabotaged it and tested it the entire time so it

wouldn't have a chance.

Why can't you move on? Because it's only been 14 days. Be patient and give this some time.

As you are already aware there are some very valuable lessons to be learned here.

You can take this experience with you and be a better partner in your next relationship. . with someone better suited.

 

I don't think an apology is necessary. I think you both know why it didn't work. Just let it go and work at moving forward.

 

You're right - I never sent the apology letter as the books described. I didnt want her to think I was trying to get back to reconnect. Not to mention it would have me still connected and waiting to see if she would respond. That would do me no good either. I did many things trying to show or push her to think that I could be the man she wanted. Even though I knew all along our dreams/goals were much different. She wanted kids and knew I didnt when we met - yet she talked about it alot, even to the point of asking me one night "If I had gotten pregnant, how would you have felt?" I answered as any man should and would do what ever is needed to love and raise that child together. Then I said, but if youre asking me if I want more kids, then that is an entirely different conversation. After that, the talk ended. But ive know all along thats something she really wants since she's 34 and no children and never married. I knew I couldnt give her that - and that's what I always did, worked to be something I wasnt so she wouldnt want to look for someone else. And that is a receipt for disaster!

[LMTOC123]

Sorry to hear this. Don't beat yourself up over t this, as you mentioned you weren't on the same page all along. Great you are looking back fondly at this and moving forward, reading books, etc. Doesn't seem to be about jealousy, just wrong places in life.

 

This is where it probably went wrong

 

And Ive known that all along but refused to face it - thinking man, someone like this cares for me. I'll get there I assume and will one find one that suits me much better in the long run.

[LMTOC123]

The age gap troubled you too much - it made you feel insecure. You now know this doesn't work for you - as it brings out the worst in you. Down the road, a relationship with a lady closer to your age is probably your best bet. I would just let this go... Sorry you are hurting.

 

It truly did - I was always fighting that battle knowing it would end when the day came we had to face the truth. But I fought for something I knew I couldnt do and It made things worse than better. But I still cant seem to let go of her - yet I think that has to do more with not having much to do not that she's gone. But I am working on that and me so I can be better prepared for the possibility of a new relationship one day. One that is better suited for me