Failing Realtionship with a bipolar

[aponi]

I will try to give a clear picture of this failing relationship without being too long. I am a psych in corrections but find myself not good at practicing what I preach in my own life. So here it goes. I am in my late twenties, attractive, independent, with a good job and stereotypical happy family. For the sake of those involved I will refer to my man as J.

 

I met J at work. Things started innocently enough. Finding out we had similar interests and a mutual attraction but nothing besides workplace banter. After 2 months of knowing him I let fly in a group conversation that I am frustrated with my man situation. Then we exchange phone numbers, telling me he’s shocked I’d be interested in him because he comes from a poor broken family, he is divorced, mid-thirties, same height as me, with two teenagers (who don’t live at home) We start hanging out on weekends with electric chemistry but at the same time very opposite people. This goes on for about a month until he tells me his ex-fiancée (let’s call her M) called and they decided to get back together. For the next month or so we only talk at work. But he’s always miserable and I question why he wants to be with her. His answers are few. They had broken up 3 times, cheating, with her moving out once, and been split for as long as 6 months. A month later he starts seeing me outside of work, because he can’t stay away. This is where my fault lies for enabling his cheating. This pattern also goes on for about a month. Then early Feb of 2016 I tell him I am getting sick of this game, I don’t want to be the other women. Either leave me or leave her. A few days later he calls asking me if I am ready to have him, handle his temper (which I hadn’t seen yet), be a stepmom to his kids, etc etc. I say yes and like that the fiancée his gone and I am in.

 

Phase 1. As soon as we are on he wants me over all the time. And I was so lonely and wanted him for so long I obliged. Within the first 2 weeks my lease was up for 60 days’ notice to renew or vacate and he asked for me to live with him. (Who wants to pay 1100 for an apartment they sleep in once every 2 weeks) For the first two months everything is bliss. We hang out every night, stay up late watching movies, sometimes play happy family with his kids and his kid’s step-siblings a well (two 13 year old girls, 15 year old boy, 17 year old boy) I the love yous come soon after, he even asks me when do you think is the minimum amount of time before h outs a ring on it. I do find it odd that he doesn’t have any friends to compete with his time but oh well. He meets my parents, I meet both of his. I help his mom with her psych related position reports. I also notice he sleeps a lot or wants to be up all night. His thoughts tend to race in the evening and likes to drink most nights. He is also on a small dose of Prozac. Almost all of my things that were coming with me to his place were over, and my apartment just needed to go into storage. A few days before that move was to occur the power gets shut off. He says the power was his exs job to pay though it was in his name so he didn’t know how behind it was until she left. And with him having to pay the bills solo the last two months he didn’t pay it down quick enough. I offer to pay and he says he’ll take car of it. I say something to my dad because he works for the parent company of the power people to see if there is anything he can do. The night before the move I’m showing him a video on my phone and he sees a text pop up from my mom mentioning something about the power. He flips out over me telling my parents. SO much so he says we are done, the move is canceled. The day day his stance has softened and with the help of his mom he returns to sanity but things were the never the same after that.

 

Phase 2. While most nights are still good we start having bad nights too. Normal but the events that start them are insignificant. (I didn’t make enough dinner of all 4 kids randomly showed up), I left the dinner table to watch Game of Thrones, I was texting a male friend. ) And he would let the smallest thing ruin his evening and he’d withhold sex from me, speaking casually about breaking up, or at worse tell me to leave. He’d often dial it back down the next day but the mood swings are bad. Sex is less and less frequent, he starts going to bed earlier, napping more often. Says he is frustrated about his weight and is using steroids to try to get his body back. He will also after a day of eating health binge every night around 8-9pm. I am also aware is taking to an ex. We’ll call her A that has always been his side chick off and on for 7 years but he denies any wrong doing. Despite us “splitting bills” I am getting the short end. Plus I am doing all the housework and shopping for the two of us and sometimes the 6 of us. His kids and kids step-siblings often sleepover so I am left to take care of them on my days off while he’s at work. This goes on for 2 months.

 

Phase 3. I am about to go on 2 weeks’ vacation with my family. The trip was planned before him and I were dating. He seems sad about be going and expressed anger that I was using all my vacation time and should of saved some for us. Which I thought was funny because even with me splitting bills he was always broke. The day I am going to leave foe the airport hotel (early AM flight next day) I discover on his tablet an email confirmation of a weeklong trip to Mexico scheduled for the end of August with him and A! When he gets home I confront him and he tries to shrug it off, “what do you want me do? I assumed when I made the trip that we would have broken up by then. I was going to let you go on your trip and think about what I wanted while you were gone.” I told him he had to end of the month (this was July 2nd) to figure which he’d choose. As you can imagine I was pretty upset the whole trip, managed to hide it. J told me he went off his psych meds because they were making him amotivational and blunted. e was normal with me the first 5 days, middle 5 was super back forth between anger and confusion, and then the last 5 days he missed me. When I returned we had few days of bliss before things went back to normal. At the end of month I asked him what he wanted. He said he’d lose half the money if he canceled. He promised A this trip years ago and wanted to keep his promise so she’d finally leave him alone. That he didn’t want me to go, but he wasn’t canceling. So I retracted my bargain. I stuck around and inadvertently made him feel super guilty. The kids get in a fight with the mother and 2-4 kids are at the one bedroom apartment we share for almost 3 weeks straight. Stressor. At this point the two teenage girls overheard us arguing about the trip and A. They were still in contact with his ex-fiancée M so they told M what was happening. M started texting A (since J cheated on M with A in the past) and texting J about how scummy they were. The night before he left he was super depressed and we had a huge fight. He told me he wanted to gone when he returned and drove off as were fighting. As I was about to start making arrangements to go (on the 3rd day of his trip) he told me he wanted me there when he returned, he felt bad about everything, and was ready to come home. We talked a lot and he stated he wanted to cut back on drinking, stop steroids, stop napping, and get better about the gym. He will never see A again and I will have snooping access if I choose on his devices.

 

Phase 4. He does everything he says he does and things are great. He’s happy, we’re happy. We both lose the weight we wanted to lose and we only drink 1 or 2 nights a week. The kids return to school so we get more alone time. We go over his books and it reveals a lot of bad debt I didn’t know about. I knew his credit score wasn’t great and his car payment was high. But in his prior relationship he paid most of the bills and had let a lot of credit card debt go. To the point where his credit score was in in 400s and he had almost 15k of credit cards debt/most of which went to collections. He didn’t want to go to Management Company so he wouldn’t renew his lease and would live with his mom and pay down his debt. He said he didn’t want to burden me anymore and he did not deserve me. I told him I would have to get my own place anyway why not move in with me. Give me some small contribution 250$ a month and pay it down. When we looked for new place I asked him time and time again if the places we looked at were “too far” from his kids he said not to worry about it as where he wanted to buy a house was further away. We went from 2 minutes away from kids and over an hour to work to 30 minutes to work and 30 minutes from his kids. The place was bigger, in a better neighborhood, and nicer and at first seemed excited. Because of a lease special and other circumstances I signed the lease a month before his expired. Things seemed to be on the up.

 

Phase 5. I notice him giving up the control of having a place solely in his name is getting to him. Facing his debt head on. He starts working overtime to speed things up but that wears on him too. By his own accord the new lease is just in my name and is full of all my things from the old place, save the bed, his personal items, and his fish tanks. He said this was in case we broke up it would be easier this way. As we packed up his old place it became increasingly sad for him. Gym attendance waned and drinking became more frequent. However we still had less fights and more good nights then before. But no more great nights. We didn’t have a lot of spare capital to do much, but he is a homebody with no other friends. Having the kids up on weekends was hard as his ex-wife wouldn’t let me pick them up. He began to miss them more and more. I can see his depression worsening even as he pays down his debt aggressively and his credit score begins to climb. After the holidays he reveals the onetime prior in his life he has suicidal ideation was because his daughter and defacto step daughter were molested. They were molested by the step-brother who was the same age as his son. After this happened to molester was moved out of the home but he was back now. And he was afraid for his daughters. The strain of the distance was getting to him.

 

Phase 6. One night we get into a fight over the stupidest things. He ends up blocking me on social media and hitting me with an open hand slap. Next day he is depressed and threatens to move out on his own. On the eve of his 35 birthday he enters crisis. He isn’t were he wants to be (broke, in debt, not in shape, not independent, no wife, no house) and he starts voicing suicidal ideation. I tell him he needs to start his medication (Effexor) or I will 302 him. He agrees. The medication helps and I stay home with him for the next 48 hours. He is drinking every day. Napping to the point where sometimes he goes to bed at 3:00pm and wakes up at 4:50am for work the next day. He is trying to get back to the gym but lacks drive. He is working as much OT as they will give him but he seems to get enough to exhaust him but not as much as he wants. We have our one year anniversary go smoothly. On Valentine’s Day he gets sent home with a bad flu and because his an asthmatic I offer to take him to the doctors. They give him a shot of steroids and as we go to pick up his medication he asks why I don’t let him get his own place. Then asks when I want to get married. Then asks why I don’t let him get his own place again. (I asked why the marriage question he stated to check my delusion) He says I am the perfect women and he loves me, but not in love with me and he needs to be in control of his own life and be closer to his kids. So he is actively trying to get a place of his own. I get him home and he really starts to get sick. I take care of him as much as I want to tell him to F*** off. The next day he tells me he’s not going anywhere. He’ll pay off the rest of the debt and they place he looked at was small and overpriced. He empties his bank account to kill all but the last quarter of his debt. Two weeks or so go by smoothly then he tells me he put a security deposit down on a new place. But it’s not necessarily the end of us but this is what he needs. He’s set to sign the lease April 1st but may not be able to move in completely as he needs a lot of furniture including a new bed. He tells me it’s not the end, he loves me, but has never been able to envision me as the “one.” Then last night he tells me the reason why he can’t love me the way I love him is because he still resents me for enabling his cheating and causing him to leave his fiancée. He blames his depression on this guilt which has been accumulating since he left his wife almost 10 years ago. While he usually leaves one relationship for another the two women he actually proposed to were never the other women first. He says I have done more for him than anyone and I’m too good for him. Maybe we can be someday but not now….

 

My take: He comes from a broken home with issues of abandonment and no feeling worthy of love from both parents. He married his pregnant gf at 18. He had 2 cars a house, a wife, and 2 kids and lost it by 25. He has leapfrogged from relationship to relationship because he fears being alone. He hides his self-esteem issues under a 6 pack and steroids (which he no longer has) and now that age is starting to catch up with him it’s fragile. He never deals with these feelings and they just build. He keeps his kids close to fight the loneliness but uses them as friends while not having any real friends. He charms everyone at work or my family but that’s not him. He’s homebody who needs to be in control. Every other women he’s been worth has been worse off and he’s had to save. He’s never had to save me and he loves the attention he gets because I am his girl. He’s so up and down I don’t even know if I am looking at this right anymore. I think he is bipolar with some mixture of cluster B personality traits.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. What is "a psych in corrections"? He's a cheater, an alcoholic and beats you. That's enough to know you need to end it and leave regardless of whatever diagnoses he has.

drinking became more frequent.

hitting me with an open hand slap.

he starts voicing suicidal ideation. I tell him he needs to start his medication (Effexor) or I will 302 him.

Then last night he tells me the reason why he can’t love me the way I love him

[holistic17]

I'm sorry to be rude, but I stopped reading during phase 3. This is ridiculous. The final thing for me was that he booked a holiday with another woman? He may be bipolar or whatever you might want to diagnose him as, but what does that make you? You have been sticking around for far too long and given all your power away to him. And for what? He doesn't give you anything consistent or positive. Why are you putting up with this? You think you can save him? No. It won't happen. I really think instead of trying to figure him out, you should be questioning yourself. You sound a very intelligent woman. What has happened here?! The red flags were there immediately. Even before you made the impulsive and very premature decision to move in. It might have been practically logical at the time, but nothing else tells me it was worth it. Stop trying to justify his mentality and start treating yourself with some respect! I'm so sorry if my reply sounds rude. It's not supposed to be bur I just can't fathom why you would be giving him so much and almost making excuses for his behaviour. He's abusive. That's enough to walk away.

[pippy longstocking]

If you are so educated in the world of mental health and knowledge then why the hell do you refer to another human being as * A bi polar * we are people ..PEOPLE ..REAL PEOPLE , with feelings . You are in good company on here though , I am sure the usuals will be along to take the piss out of the illness .

[Hollyj]

"I tell him I am getting sick of this game, I don’t want to be the other women. Either leave me or leave her. A few days later he calls asking me if I am ready to have him, handle his temper (which I hadn’t seen yet), be a stepmom to his kids, etc etc. I say yes and like that the fiancée his gone and I am in." What in the hell were you thinking????????? Bad judgement time!

 

Good God! Then you move in with someone you barley know.

 

Why are you with someone who was allowed to choose between you and an ex? Where is your self respect????

 

You stuck around after he went with another woman to Mexico?????

 

There are so many red flags here, I can't even list them. it is so ridiculous that you would place yourself in this situation. This is one of the most dysfunctional stories I have read on here!

 

Please seek therapy for your self esteem, co dependence and poor judgement issues.

 

Cheating, lying, debt, unstable, emotionally/physically abusive, alcoholic- what attracted you to this situation? Get out of this mess and do not date for a very long time.

[DancingFool]

When you cut through all the noise, it comes down to this - he hit you, you leave him. End of.

 

Other than that, I read through your story with a kind morbid fascination. What ARE you doing to yourself? Forget trying to diagnose him and his issues, better take a good long look at yourself and what personal issues drove you into cheating and getting involved in this kind of drama and mess?

 

Ultimately, none of the above matters, because he told you very truthfully that he can't respect you for how low you were willing to go. While you are busy making excuses for his behavior, he has judged your core character or lack of. I realize there is irony in him judging you when he was the other half of the cheating equation. Regardless, you are now you are learning a harsh lesson that stooping so low and subjecting yourself to this kind of garbage doesn't come with a fairy tale ending.

 

I don't know what exactly you do, but I can tell you looking from the outside in that you yourself could use some counseling. Not implying that you are a bad person or ill, but rather that you need some recalibrating.

[Hollyj]

Aponi,

 

How are you able to help others, when your judgement is so poor, in your own life?

 

What does your family say about this mess?

[Betterwithout]

This guy is a real mess.

Outside of his mental illnesses and situations that are out of his control, MUCH of his actions and behaviours are brought on himself!

 

Sounds like rock bottom to me. I feel for the kids being in the middle of all this disaster.

 

Regardless of his poor decisions and mental illness, you need to get out....and fast.

 

Call up your "stereotypical happy family" (as you put it) and let them know you now are planning a better life for yourself.

[Seraphim]

If you are so educated in the world of mental health and knowledge then why the hell do you refer to another human being as * A bi polar * we are people ..PEOPLE ..REAL PEOPLE , with feelings . You are in good company on here though , I am sure the usuals will be along to take the piss out of the illness .

 

Yes , never call a person a mental illness . A person is more than a mental illness . One does not say hey bipolar or hey PTSD . They are people with names and personalities and talents all outside of mental illness .

[limichelle]

I read through the whole thing honestly shaking my head. This isn't about him being bipolar, this is about him being an abusive, selfish jerk! Trust me plenty of those people and they don't have a mental Illness! Why are you settling?

 

You can do better or are you afraid of being alone?

[ParisPaulette]

Psych in corrections means OP works as a psychiatrist or psychologist in the Corrections field, a prison or something along those lines, correct?

 

Now OP, I'm just going to tell you that this is where you're going to have to admit that whatever this guy's diagnosis is or isn't, that doesn't matter. Plenty of people have this issue or that, are bipolar or have depression etc. etc. and they get treatment for that and they have fulfilling, loving, good relationships where they treat their loved ones well.

 

This guy treats you like he does, because he chooses not to treat you well and you stay and keep coming back for more. It has nothing to do with whatever diagnosis he has, nothing at all. I've known plenty of abusive jerks who acted just like this guy who were not bipolar or anything else, so really you can't give him a pass on his behaviors and you know this deep inside.

 

When you're tired of the not-so-merry go round you'll climb off of it and just go. But this is where I can only advise you to apply the training you have to yourself. If you were treating you as a client, what would you tell yourself to do? And right there I believe you will find your answer.

[Honeybal]

I get you, you want to help him because he obviously needs help and you think you're the solution. Your ex will never change unless he decides he wants to, if you're sticking around hoping he will do it because of your love, you will waste your prime on someone who might not ever change. Walk away and don't look back. Put yourself first. Stop thinking about him and think about yourself. My ex was the same, very charming and funny guy but really very immature and needed constant validation from women. These guys will suck you dry if you let them, and they will only go so far as how much you let them, they will keep pushing the boundaries and pull back once they reach their limit with you. This is how they survive. It's nothing personal, this is just the way they are. Think hard about what you really want from a partner, does he give any of that to you? What do you think you deserve? Don't you deserve something better?

[SooSad33]

I just shudder at the fact that you got involved with someone from your 'work'... knowing full-well his instability.

Then let it go on... and are now in this spot.

 

I accept, you are 'young'.. and I'm sure now, that you're posting on here, that you ARE aware all of this is crap.

From his 'diagnosis'.. to his attitude etc.

 

Now- get yourself out of this.. and away from him.. for good!

And let this be a learning experience for you.

 

I encountered a cpl guys similar.. but they NEVER got to touch me or bring me down like this! They never got the chance, cause I caught on really fast, to their instability.. within weeks to 2 months.

 

Get away.. and keep walking. Do NOT give in to them again.. they'll do it again.. and again... As long as YOU let them!

 

Self respect... always take care of YOU.