He cheated on me with prostitutes

[CarrieKM]

Hi guys.

I am a 36 years old female, attractive, smart, witty. I have been in a relationship with a 34 years old male for the past 18 months. We got engaged, planned everything for the big day then I started having this gut feeling that something was really off.

He hardly ever initiated sex (we had sex a grand total of 5 times in the past 3 months and I initiated each time). He was secretive, taking his cell phone with him even to the toilets.

On the one occasion he left his phone behind while showering, I couldn't resist and had a look at what was in it. This website was open in his browser and it appeared it was porn. I asked him about it and he became enraged, accusing me of being insecure and sneaky. Still over the course of the next few weeks, I could tell he wasn't telling me the whole truth so I searched for that website from my laptop yesterday and discovered it was a bidder website for sex. I tracked my partner down and had to face the fact that he has been hiring prostitutes on a more or less regular basis for the past 7 years. We moved in together in December and in January only he booked and met 3 prostitutes (only from that website, there might be more...). Since I could access their exchanges of messages, I could see with my own eyes than he was meeting them after work. He had always told me he worked until 5:15 or 5:30 pm (which makes him come home at 6:15pm) but he in fact finishes work every day at 4pm (I glanced at his initial job offer and the working hours are clearly stated).

So basically he leaves for work in the morning, spend a part of his day setting up a 'sex date', meets with the prostitute, do his business (expensive business by the way!) with her then comes home as if nothing had happened.

 

I am beyond sick to my stomach. I confronted him again last night but this time with plenty of evidence of his disgusting habit and he confessed. Then he lied. Then I brought up more evidence. Then he confessed that he had lied. Then he lied again (rinse and repeat all night long). I broke things off with him, obviously.

The idea that he could have transmitted me an STI or STD gets me shaking. The knowledge that he doesn't even care about that makes me hopeless (I asked him to pay for all medical tests I would need and he just refused, saying he was broke....when he spends at the very least $150 a week indulging in his vice).

 

How can I cope? How can I ever recover from this? We have to live together for another 2 months before I can move anywhere else, how can I handle having him around? How could I go away even for just a weekend knowing that he might bring a prostitute into our home?

 

Another disturbing fact about all this is that those prostitutes were aged 18-19...and my now-ex is a high school teacher. In one of his emails with one of this girls, he even told her about his kink for school girl outfits.

 

I am crushed. I need help. Please.

[Matt3939]

I'm sorry to hear this. Ignore this man. There's no way to get out now? I rather live in my car then be anywhere near someone like this. Don't ask him for $$ just go get tested asap so at least you know about that. Good luck

[Betterwithout]

I am really sorry you went through this. Sounds like you've been through a cheese graterSick twisted individual! you need to get away from him. How? Not sure. Can you stay at a friends or relative's house? Short term rental apt. Personally, I'd live in a cardboard box on the street before I'd stay with this slimeball.

 

Be thankful you aren't married yet /had children and you caught him before this all happened.

 

The last advice I strongly give is:

If he begs on his hands and knees for you to forgive him, proclaims he loves you, and he is sorry, and it won't happen again, etc, etc.

It's all B.S. He will not change. Leave and find someone with love and respect.

[radiance]

How awful, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a horrible thing.

 

A lot of the time a reason why people cheat on their significant others with prostitutes is because they find it easier to have sexual activity without any genuine emotional connection. It really signifies a lack of emotional maturity and unhealthy attitudes towards sex, women and relationships. Plus, since he spoke to them about his fetish(es?) it may be that he was going to them for things that he didn't feel comfortable discussing with you. Maybe he was ashamed of them or just didn't want to admit them to you.

 

Truthfully, you probably don't need to worry about STIs as any sex worker who charges that much will always use contraception. But you should still get yourself tested, despite the cost. Your health is too important to take it lightly.

 

I understand your reasons for wanting to stay in your home, but it sounds like it would be better to get away from him because the relationship really can't continue with his dishonesty, especially as he's continuously tried to lie his way out of it. But why isn't he the one to leave, since he's in the wrong? You could challenge him on this and tell him to stay elsewhere for a while.

 

Just on a side note, I wouldn't worry about the school uniform fetish. I agree it's a bit concerning for a teacher to be sexualising such things, but it appears he's going to prostitutes to explore that frtish rather than actual students. 99% of the time, a school uniform fetish just boils down to a person's sexual awakening coming while they're in school surrounded by these things and being attracted to people wearing them, but being unable to act on it, so the sexual part of their mind wants to experience it once it's viable.

 

I'm really sorry this happened, you really didn't deserve to be lied to and deceived. If there's a silver lining, at least you found out now, and not after you got married.

 

I hope you can get through this. Best of luck.

[CarrieKM]

Hey Matt. Unfortunately I am stuck. I moved from Boston to Germany for this man and I don't know anyone here. I have to complete a professional assignment before I head back home.

[CarrieKM]

Thank you for your kind words

 

Unfortunately I'm going to have to 'live' with him until mid-May, no way out of this.

 

Your advice is good: he tried begging last night but nothing he said really sounded heartfelt. I am afraid he has lost of sociopathic traits and I just want to keep a low profile and not get him into a rage until I can get out of here...

[Dahl]

This bloke is utterly appalling! I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

 

I just wanted to post to commend you on your intelligent persistence and self-protection. You honored your intuition and when your concerns were validated, you were brave and confronted the situation head on.

 

I hope that you are giving yourself an immense amount of praise for how you have and are handling this. You don't deserve any of these unthinkable revelations but I truly think that you should make the time to applaud yourself for not shying away from the ugly reality this man creates, and rescuing yourself from it.

 

Hang in! I wish you luck.

[radiance]

Is there any sort of short term rental you can go into? Or if you explain the situation to someone could you be allowed to leave early?

 

Your comment about his rage issues is concerning... If you ever feel in danger, please call the police right away.

[CarrieKM]

Thank you Radiance.

 

I really tried to be kind and non judgmental when I started speaking to him last night. He was calm and seems genuinely moved for a while but as soon as he realizes I had more material (proof) than he thought, he got defensive then aggressive.

 

I will get tested as soon as tomorrow. I pray God that I haven't been infected with anything.

 

I told him that if he had an ounce of decency he would booked himself into a hotel, at least for a few nights. He answered that he had no money to waste when he has a place to stay (our place). Unless something happens (physical violence and police intervention), I have no way to force him out of our home.

 

You're right, I'd rather find out now than years down the line...but still that hurts like hell.

[CarrieKM]

You have no idea how much I needed to read this Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

Wow, sorry this happened. Fortunately you took the initiative and found out and make all the right decisions and cut your losses.

 

The two mos may be torture. Can you expedite your departure or ask him to move out (is it his place or a co-rented apt?)

 

In the mean time of course do what you have to do regarding physical health checks as well as consult a therapist to help you sort out this disaster.

 

Just curious if you noticed these or any other odd behaviors in retrospect prior to moving in? Was he divorced?

18 months. he has been hiring prostitutes on a more or less regular basis for the past 7 years. We moved in together in December. Then he confessed that he had lied. I broke things off with him, obviously.We have to live together for another 2 months before I can move anywhere else, how can I handle having him around?

[CarrieKM]

I'm broke... I spent $12000 on the move to Germany and a deposit for the wedding (which is cancelled and deposit is non refundable) so I have to intelligently spare the very little money I have left.

 

Funny thing is he turned the tables last night and called the police on me...my german being shaky, communication was difficult with them. I still understood that my ex threatens to press charges against me for pushing him and leaving a bruise on his shoulder (which I didn't). But I'll still call them if he gets into a rage again, maybe this time they can catch him in the act and force him out of our home, even temporarily.

[WithLove]

There isn't some sort of shelter or halfway house you can go to for the time you need to be there? Do you have anyone at home you can ask for financial assistance to float you until May? I'm with you, I would not want to leave anything of value there when I know he'd be bringing women home. I can only reiterate what others are saying in that you need to find a way to get out of there ASAP. I'm sick for you. So sorry

[Dahl]

It's yet another outage that you should be displaced or have to continue to reside with this person, please know that I'm not suggesting anything else.

 

But for your best interests in the situation as it is, is it possible to find a room to rent with fellow countrymen, others in the same boat through work or school, maybe check out what the ex-pat community looks like, there - anything to keep you safe in all ways from this lout?

 

I'm relieved that you're being proactive about your health - they should tell you this as a matter of course, but on the off chance, please follow up with them as to getting rechecked in however many months they recommend, as well as what signs and symptoms to keep an eye out for in the event that you have been infected by this man's solicitation of sex workers.

 

Please feel comfortable in sharing this detail with the clinic/your doctor - it's nothing that reflects on you and it might be crucial to best safeguarding your well-being.

 

Again, I wish you much luck.

[CarrieKM]

He refuses to move out. Both our names are on the lease so there's no forcing him.

 

I can't expedite my departure unfortunately, if I did, I would lose my job, which especially in this sucky situation would suckily suck.

 

There were red flags that I chose to ignore. His seemingly lack of interest in sex (with me!), his constant judgment of everyone (he believes he should have been a judge, literally), his misogynistic comments ("another one of those crazy es that just shouldn't drive), the fact that until last year he had always lived with his parents and never had a serious long-lasting relationship. I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt on all these things, I lost.

[Betterwithout]

The word "rage" between a couple makes me anxious. Let's do a Gofundme campaign for CarrieKM for 2 months hotel stay.

[CarrieKM]

Thank you once more Dahl.

 

I would look into those housing options, if they allow dogs because I am under no circumstances leaving my shih-tzu pup behind.

 

You hit it on the nail with your advice pertaining to sharing those creepy details with the doctor. I am having knots in my stomach just thinking of it. I don't think I've ever been through anything more humiliating, embarrassing and degrading than this

[CarrieKM]

"let's create a GoFundMe for Carrie for 2months hotel stay"

 

I like that !

[WithLove]

Thank you once more Dahl.

 

I would look into those housing options, if they allow dogs because I am under no circumstances leaving my shih-tzu pup behind.

 

You hit it on the nail with your advice pertaining to sharing those creepy details with the doctor. I am having knots in my stomach just thinking of it. I don't think I've ever been through anything more humiliating, embarrassing and degrading than this

 

I love animals to death, but I do want to tell you that I think you have more pressing issues to worry over than your dog - like, your health, well-being and safety. If it becomes a choice between leaving your dog and getting into a safer situation, or not, please please choose yourself.

[Wiseman2]

You need to get out asap. Do not call the cops as an eviction tactic. It could backfire and they could arrest you if comes up with a good story when they arrive. He could for example cut himself with a knife claim you did it and you'll end up in jail.

 

Do not get in any fights or physical altercations. Leave and drive somewhere. Line up a friend, coworker, anyone to stay with. As angry as you are, stay calm and smart.

Funny thing is he turned the tables last night and called the police on me... I still understood that my ex threatens to press charges against me for pushing him and leaving a bruise on his shoulder . But I'll still call them if he gets into a rage again, maybe this time they can catch him in the act and force him out of our home, even temporarily.

[Betterwithout]

"let's create a GoFundMe for Carrie for 2months hotel stay"

 

I like that !

 

Create it, and I will donate via Paypal.

[CarrieKM]

You need to get out asap. Do not call the cops as an eviction tactic. It could backfire and they could arrest you if comes up with a good story when they arrive. He could for example cut himself with a knife claim you did it and you'll end up in jail.

 

Do not get in any fights or physical altercations. Leave and drive somewhere. Line up a friend, coworker, anyone to stay with. As angry as you are, stay calm and smart.

 

I'm pretty sure since he is threatening to file a police report that he has injured himself on purpose last night. I don't know for sure though but I truly believe he is scared to death that I would expose him to his employer and his family (I certainly have gathered enough evidence to do that). So my guts are telling me that he is using this threat as leverage (screw me and I'll screw you 10 times worse).

The german police does not seem to really care to be honest. Those guys were cordial but when I told them my ex had held my wrists so hard that it left bruises and had pushed me with all his strength, they replied "unless you are in a lot of pain, you can not press charges".

 

It is not my intent to get into any sort of altercation. I know now what he is and I have no interest in discussing matters any further with him.

 

I wish I could understand why he did that to me though.

[CarrieKM]

Create it, and I will donate via Paypal.

 

OMG now you're getting me crying

[Wiseman2]

Just get out. You are acting too emotionally with all the revenge/counter revenge etc. Deal with facts, not beliefs and guts telling you.

I don't know for sure though but I truly believe he is scared to death that I would expose him to his employer and his family I certainly have gathered enough evidence to do that). So my guts are telling me that he is using this threat as leverage.

[Betterwithout]

I'm pretty sure since he is threatening to file a police report that he has injured himself on purpose last night. I don't know for sure though but I truly believe he is scared to death that I would expose him to his employer and his family (I certainly have gathered enough evidence to do that). So my guts are telling me that he is using this threat as leverage (screw me and I'll screw you 10 times worse).

The german police does not seem to really care to be honest. Those guys were cordial but when I told them my ex had held my wrists so hard that it left bruises and had pushed me with all his strength, they replied "unless you are in a lot of pain, you can not press charges".

 

It is not my intent to get into any sort of altercation. I know now what he is and I have no interest in discussing matters any further with him.

 

I wish I could understand why he did that to me though.

 

You really need to explore all options of getting out of there for two good reasons:

 

1. He could physically harm you

2. He could fabricate a story to the police to screw you over somehow (cheaters and liars are very intelligent and crafty)

If you aren't there, this can't happen. If you leave it shows the police and other people that you needed to leave a bad situation.

Can you contact the police and ask for assistance in what to do if you feel threatened by your partner? (maybe there is a woman's shelter) Sounds extreme, but so is he