My ex downgraded. Repulsed or jovial?

[J Miracle]

My ex dumped me 3 months ago. We had been living together 6 years. I unfortunately work a block away from our old apartment (now hers). I saw her tonight with her new guy as I drove home.

 

We had a group from her work who occasionally got together . One guy named R in particular. He was unhealthy, overweight, unmotivated and constantly complained how he was bullied by his boss. He had no backbone, and tiptoed in the shadows of those who opposed their will. He was also known for fumbling his way through any task. Confused by the assembly of his camping tent, tangling himself in his own backpack, perplexed as to how to refold a map properly. As trivial as that sounds, his genuine weakness in character, spirit and body eventually left my then girlfriend and I with a certain lack of respect for him. My girlfriend had even said he was "living in the passenger seat of his own life". She is now in a serious relationship with him.

 

I am the complete opposite of this man in the aspects mentioned above, and so forth in all desirable qualities.

 

Since the break up, I have maintained NC, and am enjoying being single, dating new women and working on myself.

 

My ex spoke so poorly of him. How does one swallow that? I feel firstly elated that my ex fell so hard on her face immediately after leaving me, and downgraded to a frail chump. But I also feel repulsed, by association. Part of me wants to wring his pencil neck. But that's bad form, and wouldn't be productive.

 

Just venting my confusions, its not my damn business but how does this make any sense?

[Aceplicit]

Maybe he was there for her after the break-up and she realized he was more than meet the eyes ?

[Billie28]

A down grade in your eyes perhaps.

 

A guy fumbling can be kind of cute actually! I had an ex who couldn't put a flat pack together, nor work out the lawn trimmer. I did all those tasks, he cooked up a storm.

Each to their own.

 

What are his positive qualities or are you the kind of person that can't look beyond what you perceive as faults?

 

What exactly is bothering you here? I don't think it's him.

[J Miracle]

I'm partially bothered because after 6 years, she leaves me for a guy we laughed at and ultimately frowned upon. I feel like she grabbed the nearest warm bodied man and slapped "boyfriend" on him (hes also a co worker). Now he's sleeping in a bed I paid for. I just dont understand his weak convictions or his weak handshake. I guess I felt like Ive put myself together and strived for more, only to be left for a mope.

[Clio]

I guess I felt like Ive put myself together and strived for more, only to be left for a mope.

 

I don't think that it's that. Striving for more is a commendable attribute but sometimes it can also mean high maintenance/criticism if one partner has trouble keeping up with the other. Your ex might have had trouble keeping up with you/felt the need for a more relaxed lifestyle / grew exhausted having to live up to your perception of perfection. The fact that she criticized him means that she was seeing a familiar pattern that she was afraid of. We often criticize in others elements that somehow trouble us within / are in some way part of our own experience/fears. At the end of the day, her choice has nothing to do with your value. It has everything to do with her and what she perceives as fitting at this point in her life. It may be that she is using him as a break from life responsibilities/demands or it might be that deep down, he fits better her inner level of life motivation. The break up means that you two were or came to be incompatible in terms of common life aspirations. People change. Her choice further reflects your current incompatibility. Nothing to do with your life efforts being unappreciated. You should be neither repulsed nor jovial, just indifferent as her decision is unrelated to you.

[Dahl]

I think it's an easy, knee-jerk reaction upon learning these details to try and sort out what they mean both now and in retrospect. It makes sense to me that you would initially think and feel *both* the watermark emotions that you're noting. Especially as your brain casts back over the time you've spent with her and the particulars only you know that came to be in that time, such as her professed derision of this bloke. I don't find it unusual or inappropriate that this now strikes a discordant note nor that you reacted with consternation and puzzlement.

 

My advice is that you don't spend additional time and energy on it from this point. Ultimately, whatever she's thinking and doing now is just not worth your grey matter. She missed out on you. Regardless of how she manages or fails to manage her romantic life, that's a fact she goes forth with from here on.

 

I wish you the best of luck! Cheers.

[Pretzel]

Your feelings are natural and you are overthinking it, and making it about the particular person when it is not. It's never easy to see your ex with someone else. I don't think it's to do with him in particular, anyone you would have seen her with surely would have provoked an intense visceral reaction of disgust just the same as you have now. It was 6 years of your life and you talk about 'the bed i paid for' etc. so you are just grieving your losses and feeling violated still which is fair enough. If you are honest with yourself, even if it were a well-dressed/accomplished/attractive man she were with right now, would that somehow be okay? I don't think you'd suddenly be fine about him sleeping in that bed either.

 

Sorry you are going through this but your mind is processing a lot right now and after some more time passes it will get better. As the old saying goes, this too shall pass.

[nutbrownhare]

Your feelings are natural and you are overthinking it, and making it about the particular person when it is not. It's never easy to see your ex with someone else. I don't think it's to do with him in particular, anyone you would have seen her with surely would have provoked an intense visceral reaction of disgust just the same as you have now. It was 6 years of your life and you talk about 'the bed i paid for' etc. so you are just grieving your losses and feeling violated still which is fair enough. If you are honest with yourself, even if it were a well-dressed/accomplished/attractive man she were with right now, would that somehow be okay? I don't think you'd suddenly be fine about him sleeping in that bed either.

 

Sorry you are going through this but your mind is processing a lot right now and after some more time passes it will get better. As the old saying goes, this too shall pass.

 

Pretzel's spot on here.

 

Feeling that you've been 'replaced' is a horrible sensation, no matter how much you try to rationalise or distance yourself from it. Knowing that the guy who's replaced you is using things which you paid for as part of a loving relationship is rubbing salt into the wound - try not to dwell on it too much.

 

It's also one of those no-win situations... if he were a handsome, smart guy who was more of a high-flyer than you - that would hurt, too. As it is, someone that you see as a slob feels insulting. If he were an equivalent to you, it would feel as though she'd just swapped models.

 

Her choice of a partner isn't about you - it's a statement of where SHE'S at right now. Carry on with your grieving and stop giving this guy headspace!

 

(((HUGS)))

[Dahl]

and stop giving this guy headspace!

 

(((HUGS)))

 

I agree ardently with Pretzel and nutbrownhare.

 

In my opinion, J Miracle, you can't be kind enough to yourself right now and I hope you will find every opportunity to do so. You absolutely deserve it!

[radiance]

Totally agree with what's already been said. You need to focus on yourself, not your ex and what she's doing. Don't be jovial or repulsed - just think about you.

[DancingFool]

Don't over think it. It's really pretty typical for people to go for someone who is a total and complete opposite of their ex shortly after a break up. It's not a judgment on you or your relationship and actually nothing to do with you. Agree with everyone else, don't bother wasting thoughts on her and what she is doing with who. Waste of time and energy. Focus on yourself, what you would like to do to make yourself happy and feeling good. Keep going out on dates too. Enjoy yourself.

[J Miracle]

Your ex might have had trouble keeping up with you/felt the need for a more relaxed lifestyle / grew exhausted having to live up to your perception of perfection.

 

This woman got a scholarship to the most prestigious university in the US in her field. She's a doctor, high level pianist and decorated academic. I was a pot smoking kitchen manager when we met. Over the years, I actually reinvented myself into what I am now. It seems like as soon as I "fixed" myself up, she bailed for another "fixer upper".

 

Thanks all for the replies. I shouldn't put much mental bandwidth into these two, but it was so strange.

[ParisPaulette]

Yeah, it sounds like a rebound. Or maybe she just is of a mindset that she wants to try a relationship with someone that is the complete opposite of you, on purpose.

 

Regardless, you need to focus on yourself and your own healing. People do change and they do try different types of relationships. Maybe she enjoys being in control more or maybe she genuinely sees something in the guy or maybe that's just the one who pays her attention right now. Who knows?

 

As frustrating as it can be, and I've been there trust me, all you can do is say, "Oh, well. Not my circus, not my monkeys," and move on.

[Wiseman2]

How weird. Maybe it's the 'change of scene' thing, but who goes from a park to a junk yard?

 

Great you are dating and on this forward movement self improvement plan.

My girlfriend had even said he was "living in the passenger seat of his own life". She is now in a serious relationship with him.Since the break up, I have maintained NC, and am enjoying being single, dating new women and working on myself.

[JaggerJim]

Maybe he was there for her after the break-up and she realized he was more than meet the eyes ?

 

This could be it. Maybe before when everyone was laughing at him, she didn't know him. Now she does. Maybe (just maybe) she sees him as a crutch for now, and will move on later. Who knows? Just don't worry about him, and worry about who your going to go out with and upgrade too lol

[Krankor]

So, a number of possibilities being raised here:

 

1.) There may be more than meets the eye with this guy, and his bumbling and fumbling may actually be endearing.

 

2.) Maybe she tends to "date down" and likes a project.

 

3.) Maybe she is playing the opposites game.

 

4.) Maybe she just wants something easy and low-maintenance.

 

5.) Maybe he's a warm body for a rebound.

 

I'm not trying to pile on, because I know this is an unpleasant time in your life, but when you and your girlfriend were judging and bad-mouthing this guy you were both being jerks. Unfortunately, though, I think we all do this to some extent.

 

One thing I will say is that he almost certainly has at least one or two qualities that you lack. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Maybe he is a better listener. Maybe he makes her laugh. Who knows?

 

Keep doing all the things you have to in order to get over her. Playing the "what is my ex thinking?" game is an entirely unproductive pursuit. And if possible don't drive by the old apartment for a while--I don't care how far out of your way you have to go.

[Clio]

I was a pot smoking kitchen manager when we met. Over the years, I actually reinvented myself into what I am now. It seems like as soon as I "fixed" myself up, she bailed for another "fixer upper".

 

It wasn't the first time then... Sounds like you have your answer. Regardless, it's all unrelated to you.

[nutbrownhare]

One thing that occurred to me... there are many codependents who will take on a partner as a 'project', seeking to change them in some way. Most of the time this really doesn't work, but the unhealthy dynamic of one person trying to change the other, who becomes more entrenched in whatever behaviour, can last for years.

 

However, sometimes the person who's been taken on as a 'project' does pull themselves up by the bootstraps, and becomes whatever their partner ostensibly wants them to be... at which point the partner loses interest. This can be because they need to look down on their partner in order to feel attracted to them, need to feel in control, and if much of their interaction was around nagging and cajoling - there may be nothing left to talk about. This is why spouses of alcoholics can be the greatest threat to the sobriety of newly-sober alcoholics unless they get support for themselves.

 

There's a really interesting chapter on this stuff in Robin Norwood's "Women Who Love Too Much".

[J Miracle]

Thanks guys. With a bit of reflection, I think the contrast between how my ex and I moved on is very telling in how we each deal with crisis. Im quite pleased with how I've handled myself through all this. Im not there yet, but someday soon I'm sure I will wish them the best of luck. Now its time to shift my focus back to what matters; my career, fitness, my mental health, and the emotionally sound women of the world.

[boltnrun]

Well, one of my friends ALWAYS dates men who she feels are of a lower position in life than she is. For example, the most recent man she became involved with was homeless. She took him in, bought him some clothes, took him to the dentist and got him a facial, then presented him to her friends and family as her "boyfriend". Her reasoning is that if she dated a strong man who had his life together, she wouldn't get her own way all the time, and she wants her own way 100% of the time. So she dates "down" to ensure she will always run the show.

[nutbrownhare]

Well, one of my friends ALWAYS dates men who she feels are of a lower position in life than she is. For example, the most recent man she became involved with was homeless. She took him in, bought him some clothes, took him to the dentist and got him a facial, then presented him to her friends and family as her "boyfriend". Her reasoning is that if she dated a strong man who had his life together, she wouldn't get her own way all the time, and she wants her own way 100% of the time. So she dates "down" to ensure she will always run the show.

 

Just out of interest, how long do her relationships typically last?

[J Miracle]

Well, one of my friends ALWAYS dates men who she feels are of a lower position in life than she is. For example, the most recent man she became involved with was homeless. She took him in, bought him some clothes, took him to the dentist and got him a facial, then presented him to her friends and family as her "boyfriend". Her reasoning is that if she dated a strong man who had his life together, she wouldn't get her own way all the time, and she wants her own way 100% of the time. So she dates "down" to ensure she will always run the show.

 

This is bizarre. With that type of casting, the relationship will never last.. Does she encourage them to advance in life, or just leave them depending on her?

 

My ex used to harp on me quite a bit. And from what I hear, she is doing the same. Encouraging this soft guy to get involved in the same extreme and dangerous sports that I do.

[boltnrun]

Her relationship with the formerly homeless guy officially lasted a little over a year. Since she didn't know him, she took him in without knowing certain unattractive aspects of his personality. She then tried to get him to leave her home but he kept refusing. Finally she was able to get him out with the promise that she'd continue to date him.

 

And it seems he never "advanced". He'd had a job, but mysteriously "lost" it as soon as she let him move in (after the second date). Then he'd get one job after another only to "lose" those jobs. I think it was something like 4 jobs in six months. He didn't mind remaining dependent on her because he didn't have to work or provide anything for himself. She'd let him move in, gave him a car, etc. He was mad when she asked him to move out because that meant he'd have to pay his own way.

 

As for her goal of taking him on so she'd always get her own way...well, that didn't exactly work out the way she'd expected. Last I heard she was still "dating" him but looking for her next project man.

 

So your ex wants a "project man". Sounds like she too wants to run the show. I suppose her relationships can last as long as the man remains passive. He shouldn't think about disagreeing with her or saying "no" because I suspect she'd "lose" her attraction to him if he does.

[GeekLover]

Her choice of a partner isn't about you - it's a statement of where SHE'S at right now.

 

This is something I have been telling myself in light of my own situation. It's nice when someone else confirms my own beliefs. Maybe I'm not so crazy after all.