Very LDR for 2+ years?

[danewillow]

A little background. I have been divorced for a year (official a year ago tomorrow, happy unniversary to me). I started online dating right away just to get out and meet people. I had to sell the house and find a place to live so I wasn't looking for anything serious. I went on some dates, had a casual relationship, enjoyed being single again.

 

Last Nov I met "T" online. We found out we were in the same meet up group so that was actually our first date. We hit it off. Took it slow. Both of us were looking for the same thing, just a companion. He had been married for about 16 years, rough divorce and separated/divorced for 2 years. I was his first date after the divorce. He told me at the beginning that he'd applied to the Peace Corps. After a month or so the relationship became physical and exclusive.

 

Since then, we've spent the night together, he's made friends with my dogs (not an easy thing with one of them), took a 4 night vacation together. Still taking it slow. We haven't met families (topic came up and neither of us are opposed, just enjoying not having any of that stress). We still have our time alone but spend 3-4 evenings or weekend days together.

 

Over the Christmas holiday, he was accepted into the Peace Corps. He leaves for the south pacific in just over a month. It involves 3 months of training and 2 years of service. He may have limited contact with the outside world. Tickets to the area are at least $2000 and a 30 hour flight.

 

I don't know what to do. Both of us have expressed our sadness about his departure. I don't know if I want to maintain a LDR that drastic. I can't really see myself with someone else. Has anyone experienced this kind of thing?

[Matt3939]

Hmm that's pretty drastic. He did tell you in the beginning though. I take it this is something he's dead set on doing? Considering it's only been 4 months I have no idea what I'd do. Good luck

[danewillow]

At the time that he was accepted we hadn't even known each other for 2 months. He went through with the process so he's committed to it now.

[Andrina]

Knowing someone 4 months is the honeymoon period. I wouldn't make a serious commitment, such as a LDR, to someone with whom I haven't even known a year yet, especially with limited to no communication for 2 years. I'd wish him the best and tell him that if you're both still single when he's finished with his stint, that maybe you can try things again at that time.

 

I know you can't imagine yourself with anyone else at this time, since you do get along so well and are intimate. He's made his choice, and seriously, he shouldn't have started something with any woman when he knew he'd be leaving soon.

 

I wouldn't be a hermit when he's gone. Continue with your meetup groups. You don't even know if he'll return to the area when he's finished with the Peace Corps. You don't know him well enough to know if he'd be faithful if you do decide on a LDR. At 4 months in, you've barely scratched the surface of knowing him. If it's meant to be, it'll be when the time is more convenient and you're both still single and willing to try upon his return. Take care.

[SherrySher]

Personally if it were me, I would wish him well and tell him to look me up when he's back, but for now, we go on living our lives and let it be.

[Dahl]

Personally if it were me, I would wish him well and tell him to look me up when he's back, but for now, we go on living our lives and let it be.

 

I agree emphatically with this.

 

Perhaps if you consider it as the two of you now progressing forward on your own, divergent paths, at this point, rather than a definitive breakup, leaving room for the possibility of those paths converging, potentially, at some point in the future, so long as you don't feel hindered or restricted by this perspective, it might make it easier to now do what best serves and protects you in the now.

 

I wish you luck.

[danewillow]

He's made his choice, and seriously, he shouldn't have started something with any woman when he knew he'd be leaving soon.

 

He didn't really know he'd be accepted. He had applied before and had been rejected.

 

I met his mom and sister this past weekend. We see each other at least 3 times a week. It's not like we're just casually dating.

 

He received his assignment and it's all becoming very real for him and I think he might be feeling some regret.

[gracie808]

Hi Danewillow,

 

I've been on an LDR going a year and a half now, we are both in our forties and I am assigned in Asia, while he is in our hometown. I feel your pain. In the beginning I went through a lot of uncertaintly, i.e. 'What is this???' but at the same time, 'I have a good feeling about this'. Trust your gut. If you feel there is a good connection between the two of you, then there probably is.

 

We have gone to visit each other a couple of times (expensive, long-haul trips, ack!). We've discussed marriage and moving in together. So I wanted to give you hope, it IS possible. But of course it is not easy, especially in the early stages - we really didn't know if it was going to work! Until now, nothing is really set in stone. I hate to be vague, but you'll know when it's right.

 

If the two of you are meant to be together, then you will both find a way. In the meantime be very busy and happy and focus on yourself. Let him go and do his thing, which is hard but holding on to him and waiting around won't work either. Might as well be productive and happy. Send him messages from time to time to let him know you are thinking of him and that you don't take your time together for granted. In the beginning when things were uncertain, I didn't push but I did convey that our time together made an impression on me.

 

Good luck and hope you can keep us posted. Take care, Gracie

[danewillow]

I have no plans to put my life on hold while he's gone. It's 3 weeks away and I just want to spend as much time with him as possible. Whatever happens after that, it's all unknown for now. I'm open to maintaining contact but if I feel like it's not going to last, I'll put an end to it.

 

I'm 47. There aren't a lot of men my age with whom I've felt a connection. We just click. He seems to understand me and accept me as I am which is not something I could say about my ex husband. I'm an introvert with a lot of social anxiety but we communicate well and I'm very comfortable with him. I don't want to throw it all away just yet.

[danewillow]

Well, he's gone. It was harder than I thought. I dropped him off at the airport on Friday morning. He'd been staying at my house since Tues night (he got rid of all his stuff). He's in a hotel until Fri where they have Wi-Fi. Then he probably won't have any connection electronically.

 

I feel like there's a giant hole in my life he'd been gradually filling over the past 5 months. I felt more of a connection to him than anyone else. I smiled naturally in pictures when he was around. I've never been able to do that.

 

I'm working on removing attachments from my life so I'm not stuck where I don't want to be ever again.