16 years together - painful breakup - what do I do?

[GeekInLA]

My girlfriend of 16 years broke up with me a week ago. I'm 44, she's 35 - no kids.

 

Over the last few months, there was some growing distance and tension between us, but then when times were good (almost until the very end), I thought things were getting back on track. It was a shock to me not that things were tense but that she had met someone through work and was now ready to throw in the towel with me. To be honest, it wasn't the infidelity that hurt as much (I have no idea how long that has been going on, maybe only a month or so) but rather the fact that we couldn't communicate about what was happening up to that point, that she was ready to discount those 16 years so easily. I am absolutely crushed.

 

I immediately started seeing a therapist, trying to put together the pieces and trying to figure out where I went wrong too. I realized that I had been passive-aggressive and then ignoring certain signs (she was going out super late with friends, drinking more than usual, small things turning into arguments, I was afraid to confront her about it), but then just really enjoying the time that we actually were together.

 

Ever since the day, I have been trying as hard as possible for No Contact. Even though we live together, I stay away with friends when she will be there. When she's gone (either for work or with her friends), then I stay at our apartment. Our communication is strictly limited to those logistics. I said I was keeping the apartment and it was up to her to move her possessions out by the end of the month. She said she still loves me and thinks of me as her "best friend," but I told her that was not how I see her and that she made the decision for me on how this is playing out.

 

I have read so many of the messages on this site and others. I know that "NC" is the best possible thing for me (and her), and I'm trying to move forward without a sense of false hope but not totally hopeless either. My trajectory is on a downward slope right now, and hers is up (new friends, new job, new guy in her life), but there's a part of that nagging at me that this will crash and burn also. Our closest mutual friend reached out to me to say that what she is doing is "a big mistake." I can't really do anything with that other than feel somewhat not alone. (Even during the break up, she was telling me that we have a great life together, we get to do fun things, that the new guy has no money and lives with three other room-mates!)

 

Now I'm filled with so many questions: until she actually moves out, are we technically not in "NC"? Do I reset the clock on "NC" when she has actually moved out and I've untangled things like our combined health care, car insurance, etc.? Am I crazy or does the new relationship just sound like a rebound? How long do I give that before I even attempt to re-establish contact again (I know it can't be soon - I'm dreading even getting a birthday text from her next month). Do I continue to talk to our closest mutual friend, and if I do should I be careful about what I say?

 

I have no idea if a reconciliation is possible or even right for us, but I know I want to keep focusing on myself and not burn those bridges in-between just in case there is a way in the future to sort this out.

 

Am I doing this right?

[vesper]

You have got to stop micro-managing this, you feel like you have lost a sense of control so you are trying to grasp at every possible scenario to help you get her back. The truth is that she has probably moved on and you should to. Keep posting here if it helps instead of trying to control her. Get busy, get with friends, work out, go to the gym, read, play video games, I dont know what your hobbies are but you have GOT TO take control of your own life and focus on your own well-being.

 

 

AND also, why is it that you guys never got married?

b

[DrkHrt]

First of all, I am sorry to hear about your situation. You are certainly not alone- we are all going through some kind of headache on here.

Secondly, you are doing this totally right. The NC, the therapy... these are positive things. Keep doing them.

It is tricky when you are living together- but I think just only talk to her if you really have to. Don't talk about love or anything emotional. She's made her bed- she has to lay in it. She doesn't have the right to have her cake and eat it- what I mean by that is, if she's seeing this new guy, you do not owe her your love and attention. That's not fair on you. On your birthday, if she does wish you a HBD, just respond politely and keep it simple. 'Thank you' is sufficient.

Unfortunately there is no definitive answer I can give you. Clearly you still want to continue in the relationship and the only thing you can do in that situation is let things be what they are. Begging her not to leave and protesting your love will sadly not work. Just let things be for about a month- I think this is long enough because any longer, you will end up trapped in a situation which will start to affect you very, very badly. I don't recommend 'holding on' and waiting for the new relationship to end because you don't know if and when that will happen. She could be with this guy for several years before it sours- do you really want to do that to yourself?

Try writing about your feelings when you are having a particularly bad day. I find that very helpful. Other than that, NC is the best option here, unless of course you come to the conclusion that you are done with her and want to move on.

All the best x

[GeekInLA]

You have got to stop micro-managing this, you feel like you have lost a sense of control so you are trying to grasp at every possible scenario to help you get her back. The truth is that she has probably moved on and you should to. Keep posting here if it helps instead of trying to control her. Get busy, get with friends, work out, go to the gym, read, play video games, I dont know what your hobbies are but you have GOT TO take control of your own life and focus on your own well-being.

 

 

AND also, why is it that you guys never got married?

b

 

Well, let's see... for some people marriage is very important. For us, it simply wasn't. That's OK. Different people have different types of relationships. Some people want kids, we didn't.

 

Not sure where I came across a "micro-managing" since I stated that I am doing everything I can to stay out of it - literally staying away from the apartment, staying out of her life. I don't see anything controlling in that. My biggest concern was giving space without seeming like I completely don't care.

[GeekInLA]

First of all, I am sorry to hear about your situation. You are certainly not alone- we are all going through some kind of headache on here.

Secondly, you are doing this totally right. The NC, the therapy... these are positive things. Keep doing them.

It is tricky when you are living together- but I think just only talk to her if you really have to. Don't talk about love or anything emotional. She's made her bed- she has to lay in it. She doesn't have the right to have her cake and eat it- what I mean by that is, if she's seeing this new guy, you do not owe her your love and attention. That's not fair on you. On your birthday, if she does wish you a HBD, just respond politely and keep it simple. 'Thank you' is sufficient.

Unfortunately there is no definitive answer I can give you. Clearly you still want to continue in the relationship and the only thing you can do in that situation is let things be what they are. Begging her not to leave and protesting your love will sadly not work. Just let things be for about a month- I think this is long enough because any longer, you will end up trapped in a situation which will start to affect you very, very badly. I don't recommend 'holding on' and waiting for the new relationship to end because you don't know if and when that will happen. She could be with this guy for several years before it sours- do you really want to do that to yourself?

Try writing about your feelings when you are having a particularly bad day. I find that very helpful. Other than that, NC is the best option here, unless of course you come to the conclusion that you are done with her and want to move on.

All the best x

 

That's very helpful, DrkHrt. The concern I tried to express was setting the stage for myself moving on while, at the same time, not coming across like an unfeeling jerk. I think the NC we have now, the therapy (and yes, I have been writing down a lot), are all going along OK. And, yes, I completely agree with you - my intention was not to sit around and wait for her. My concern there was simply not excluding someone from my life so much that (in the remotest possibility) if we wanted to work on this again than we could.

I really appreciate your comments.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but you can't live together and be "no contact', Also you have conflicting goals. On one hand you give her notice, on the other you are hoping staying in the roommate zone will rekindle this?

 

Do you think she's having a midlife crisis affair?

 

It seems this was smoldering for a while and the affair was simply the final manifestation of long term resentment, complacency and lack of communication.

 

Do not go through hearsay or get the friend stuck in the crossfire of this. Continue with your self improvement plan and a logistical plan for her to move out or end the affair and work on this.

she had met someone through work and was now ready to throw in the towel with me.I have been trying as hard as possible for No Contact. Even though we live together, I stay away with friends when she will be there. I said I was keeping the apartment and it was up to her to move her possessions out by the end of the month. I want to keep focusing on myself and not burn those bridges in-between just in case there is a way in the future to sort this out.

[GeekInLA]

Sorry to hear this but you can't live together and be "no contact', Also you have conflicting goals. On one hand you give her notice, on the other you are hoping staying in the roommate zone will rekindle this?

 

Do you think she's having a midlife crisis affair?

 

It seems this was smoldering for a while and the affair was simply the final manifestation of long term resentment, complacency and lack of communication.

 

Do not go through hearsay or get the friend stuck in the crossfire of this. Continue with your self improvement plan and a logistical plan for her to move out or end the affair and work on this.

 

Huh? No - I have no desire to be a roommate - that's why I said that I stay AWAY from our place when she is there and that she is to be out by the end of the month.

 

Maybe this was smoldering for a while. I'm trying to do enough on my own to see where I'm complicit in it and work on those issues (again, for myself and whatever future relationship I may end up in).

 

Midlife crisis? Who knows - but as you and others say, that's for her to figure out. I'm only kicking myself for not having put the pieces together earlier and worked on our own communication through it.

[DrkHrt]

You could never be a jerk here. You haven't done anything wrong. Perhaps let her know how you feel and what you want. Nothing to lose at this point. I would have suggested writing her a letter but this seems pointless as you live together.

Say it, and then remind her that it is not realistic for her to expect you to be her friend. Give her that ultimatum, but do it without seeming pushy or bullying. Because if she feels like she's being pressured, she'll react badly.

In doing all of that, you are making it clear you want her but that you are not prepared to be a doormat.

After you say it, don't say anything else on the matter. If you keep saying it over and over again, you will look desperate and she will start to become more annoyed and adamant that she's actually doing the right thing.

 

Oh, and stop communicating with the friend- I was talking to my ex's mum and my ex was pissed when he found out.

Good luck x