how to trust when signs point otherwise

[Anonymouse1]

My girlfriend an i have been together almost 2 years. She moved away from her home town to live with me. A few times in the relationship she has hidden that she is talking to other guys, these guys often are trying to get on her. Although i have not seen a message from her agreeing she still talks to them.

 

Recently something happened. My girlfriend was arguing with an "ex" friend who said that "my girlfriend told her she cheated on me when she visited her home town one weekend." My girlfriend denys this but i'm not sure.

 

3 months have past from the alligation and i can't find a way to confirm or dismiss this claim.

 

Do i take my girlfriends word as truth or how do i procede from here? I have been lied to and hurt in the past and just wish I could find the exact truth out.

[Betterwithout]

For some, an indicator if someone is cheating is to look at your own sex life. Is the frequency the same as when you both first met?

It's normal to decrease after the honeymoon phase, but if it is substantially different this could be a sign that she is looking for more outside your relationship.

[Wiseman2]

How long was it a LDR before she moved in with you? Was she just out of a relationship when you met?

 

How do you know about this conversation?

 

Don't bring your past into the picture and cast it on your current gf. Is there a reason not to trust her? What motive does this friend have to mention this and who is this friend?

My girlfriend was arguing with an "ex" friend who said that "my girlfriend told her she cheated on me when she visited her home town one weekend."

[IAmFCA]

Forget about what did or didn't happen. Decide that you don't know, and make your choices from there.

 

Challenge whatever you think is the socially accepted standard, and consider for yourself: What is cheating, to you? Emotional fidelity? Literal honesty? Emotional honesty? Sexual fidelity? Wanting only you as the important man in her life?

 

Now consider your gf. What does she need and what is she able to offer?

 

It sounds like your gf needs the affirmation of male attention. This is not uncommon and warrants its own discussion about what it means to be female (not that all women need this! Only that there is logic behind it that runs deep.)

 

If she uses male attention to entertain herself or get an ego boost, whether she is aware of it or not, then expecting her to stop isn't helpful or realistic. She will stop as she begins to own herself more and value herself more.

 

The practice of owning herself more would put her on a collission course with you or anyone else who wants to govern her behavior. So don't do it. As you have discovered, you can't govern her and if you try, you will never know the truth anyhow.

 

Who is she and what can she offer? It seems she wants only you as her bf. It also seems she enjoys a certain amount of chaos - an ex friend, knowing people who gossip are examples. If you can deal with it, then keep her.

 

Alternatively, back off a bit. Would you consider living separately and being in a less intense relationship? I suspect she isn't ready to make a lifelong commitment, and therefore, a slightly different understanding is more appropriate.

[Anonymouse1]

Our sex life has had various ups and downs. She has had times where she has not been in the mood for a few months which has been explained as contraceptive pills have chaned a few times

 

When we met she hadnt long got out of a relationship. Maybe a few weeks. Her past relationship ended because she cheated with a guy who if she has cheated would be the same guy for sure.

 

We moved in together after 9 months relationship

 

I was reading the argument my girlfriend was having with her friend at the time. They have fallin out over a small dispute. The motive i guess would be to hurt my girlfriend either by exposing the truth of cheating or lying to cause a rift between us.

 

Thank you for the help guys means alot to me.

[Betterwithout]

Our sex life has had various ups and downs. She has had times where she has not been in the mood for a few months.

 

A few months is a long time for most new couples. I have my doubts that her libido had dropped by changing contraceptive pills.

 

Her past relationship ended because she cheated with a guy who if she has cheated would be the same guy for sure.

 

Dating a cheater is like juggling knives. You may get lucky and catch the handles, but eventually you may get cut with the knife. Proceed with caution.

[Wiseman2]

Great analogy!

Dating a cheater is like juggling knives. You may get lucky and catch the handles, but eventually you may get cut with the knife. Proceed with caution.

 

]

[nutbrownhare]

I was reading the argument my girlfriend was having with her friend at the time. They have fallin out over a small dispute. The motive i guess would be to hurt my girlfriend either by exposing the truth of cheating or lying to cause a rift between us.

 

Does this mean that you read her messages? Is she aware of this?

[Anonymouse1]

Does this mean that you read her messages? Is she aware of this?

 

Yes we were in bed and we was both reading the argument together at the same time.

[Gary Snyder]

If she were not playing around, she would be introducing you to her guy friends, not trying to hide her conversations with them. What are your ages?

[Anonymouse1]

Bit of an age gap. Im 29 shes 18. From the messages i have seen she has never been flirty or sexual with these guys an often shuts them down if they do. Post from ithinkican makes alot of sense, attention and ego boost from other men kind of hit the nail on the head for me when i read it. How do i stop this cycle she has. Not to blow my own trumpet but im thoughtful, caring and strive to be the best she could have. She is amazing to me too but the things i have described are the one thing wrong in our relationship.

[IAmFCA]

Bit of an age gap. Im 29 shes 18. From the messages i have seen she has never been flirty or sexual with these guys an often shuts them down if they do. Post from ithinkican makes alot of sense, attention and ego boost from other men kind of hit the nail on the head for me when i read it. How do i stop this cycle she has. Not to blow my own trumpet but im thoughtful, caring and strive to be the best she could have. She is amazing to me too but the things i have described are the one thing wrong in our relationship.

 

Thank you for the shout out OP.

 

Your gf is young. We all had a friend like her or were her, when we were 18. I know in my own case, i would never have cheated, but had guy friends, talked freely with guys in bars, etc. I thought guys were people and not the enemy. Their attention was readily available, and I had energy to spare. It seemed like nothing but a party to me.

 

My then bf tried to teach me to become less approachable. I spent a semester being a b![$hy ice queen. It wasn't me and it made me feel cheap. He and I broke up. I think I ended it but it hurt none the less. I was tired of being under his thumb.

 

Decades later, I learned all this goes back to wanting my fathers validation.

 

Your gf is different than I, obviously. Still, there are likely some truths in my story that are true for her too. I wrote it to show youbthat You Cannot Change Her. Period.

 

Remember in my prior post I said something about this. As she grows and takes more authority over who she is and how she uses her time, she may resent/reject/rebel against anyone who acts as the judge/jury/babysitter/authority in herr life.

 

You need to accept her, or step back a bit. Actually, I recommend you do both. Change your own behavior in such a way that you are comfable with who she is today.

 

Truly accept her. And change yourself. If you can do this, the harm and pain can be minimized and even replaced with appreciation and love.

 

(Btw i work in an industry dominated by men, in a selective position. Its isnt all bad, this trait. I just had to learn how to gake the sex out of it and still be me.)

[nutbrownhare]

She's 18, for gawd's sake! Being flirty and playful is a healthy thing to do, and appropriate for someone who's still a teenager. If she were still doing this at 30, you might have some cause for concern because it would suggest she hadn't grown up. As it is, she's still finding out who she is and that's part of what being an adolescent is all about.

 

By your own admission, she shuts guys down if they start to get sexual. The only indication that something MIGHT be amiss, is a spiteful accusation from another girl (of her own age?) whom she'd fallen out with - hardly a sworn statement of fact. She is sufficiently committed to you to have moved town to be with you. If anything shady was going on, she certainly wouldn't be reading her messages with you.

 

You've been hurt in the past, and it sounds as though you've brought all that unhealed grief into your current relationship. Although 11 years isn't a significant age gap for older couples, at your ages you're actually at different stages in life. Your job is not to try to change her or 'stop the cycle she has' - both of these are controlling and will cause both of you a great deal of distress - but to heal from your past grief and allow her to be herself.

 

If you can't cope with a teenager behaving like a teenager, end the relationship and find someone your own age.

[Anonymouse1]

Thank you all. You guys have made alot of sense and really helped me. My eyes have been opened alot by some strangers over the internet. Funny isnt it.

I think with her being so young and still finding her way in life (im the first serious relationship for her) and with the way i have been treated in the past has caused me to have knee jerk reactions to anything to do with cheating and being hurt again.

 

Im going to try work on my issues and let my girlfriend find her way.

 

Thabk you guys.

[IAmFCA]

Thank you all. You guys have made alot of sense and really helped me. My eyes have been opened alot by some strangers over the internet. Funny isnt it.

I think with her being so young and still finding her way in life (im the first serious relationship for her) and with the way i have been treated in the past has caused me to have knee jerk reactions to anything to do with cheating and being hurt again.

 

Im going to try work on my issues and let my girlfriend find her way.

 

Thabk you guys.

 

OP, You will never know the unknowables about someone else. You will never be safe from emotional pain. The way to protect yourself is not to ascertain someone else's constancy but rather to ascertain your own resiliance.

 

As a child, we look to our families to keep us safe. As an adult, we may be continuing that pattern. It is our responsibility to look to ourselves.

[Honeybal]

She's really young, some where down the road she might cheat on you or she might not. That's just a chance you have to decide that you're willing to take.