Guy and girls, I need your help urgently!!!!!

[Snowguy15]

I feel like my relationship is teetering on the edge of a precipice and it will fall and finally break if I don't do something now!

 

THE BACKGROUND:

 

Me and my girlfriend have been together for five years. It has mostly been a really great happy fun five years, until about a year ago. We live together and for three years of our relationship I was working on an oil rig which meant I was away for long periods of time, sometimes up to six weeks, but while we missed each other we had a strong relationship and our time together was always good. Eighteen months ago I left that job, mainly for her, because she started to become unhappy with that arrangement. So I moved back in permanently and began searching for a full-time job in the city where we live. But there was nothing. I spent a year and a half constantly applying for jobs and only getting rejection letters. Didn't even land an interview. I must have applied for fifty jobs. I scraped by picking up short-term cash-in-hand work but nothing ever concrete and never enough to get ahead. She is strong and independent with a great job to match. Every day she went to work I sat around the house. I was also really into exercise and weight training, and around this time I injured myself and had to stop going to to the gym. So my mood became dark very quickly and I got into debt, became irritable and argumentative, annoyed her with my pent up energy I would build up during the day with having no one to talk to and nothing to do. I became self-focused and complained constantly. I didn't realise it at the time how bad it was. It was only about a month ago when she blindsided me and broke up with me, that I reflected and saw what had happened.

 

We spent the past month apart. She broke up with me but then said she needed time to think. We communicated by email very sporadically. I realised what had driven her to this and I penned her a big letter detailing how sorry I was and how I had realised that I'd taken her for granted, been intolerable to be around and generally unpleasant to live with. I asked if she still loved me - she said she did. I asked if it was simply my mood and behaviour that were the problem - she said it was. I told her if she didn't love me anymore I wouldn't try and get her back, because it's hard to make someone feel something they don't. But she said that wasn't the problem. She said that while she still loved me, the past year had damaged our emotional connection, made her constantly anxious and her attraction to me had waned. She said that while she had been feeling anxious for a long time, she hadn't realised that our relationship was the source of it until about the time of the break up.

 

I outlined all of the ways I had realised that I'd let her down, and how if she gave me the chance, I could correct them. During our month apart I enrolled in law school, I had been accepted years ago but not pursued it at the time. And I managed to secure a part-time job as well. I explained how these two things alone would be enough to lift my mood generally, and that the rest of what needed fixing just required a conscious effort on my part, which I was more than prepared to do in order to keep her. She said that she was worried that I couldn't make the necessary changes and that committing beyond one month seemed like too daunting a step to take, and that she didn't want to have to break up with me all over again if nothing changed. She was concerned that I had changed fundamentally, and not temporarily due to my circumstances like I explained to her. But after a month of thinking she agreed to take me back on a trial period of a few weeks to see if we could make it work. She said that it would take a little while for her trust in me to become restored and to re-establish an emotional connection to me.

 

OUR CURRENT SITUATION

 

I got back a week ago and from day one things felt good again. I was a little nervous and felt vulnerable, like the rug could be pulled out from under me at any moment. She remarked when she first saw me that I looked like a kid who had been yelled at. I took her out for dinner that first night, bought her a small present and gave her a really long massage. For the next three days I was the perfect boyfriend, I cooked and cleaned every night, I was considerate of her, I made sure to show an interest in her day and not argue with her on points that we used to. I have been trying really hard, and things felt promising. I was really affectionate to her, kissing and hugging her all the time. At one point she told me I was doing that too much and it was getting annoying. After four days I asked how she felt about things and she said it was too early to tell, but that it was "nice having me back" and that she wasn't feeling anxious anymore which was good. We still weren't having sex, but she explained that she needed time with that, as she felt emotionally drained and exhausted and that the connection with me needed to be rebuilt. I was respectful of that and didn't pressure her at all.

 

So I've been back for a week now, and for the past three days she has been away on a work trip. So we only had those initial four days together before she had to go. We have spoken a little since she left, but not much. I know she's busy, but there is definitely much less contact from her compared to how things used to be with us before all of this drama happened. We had a phone call scheduled tonight but then I never heard from her, and when I messaged to ask if she still wanted to talk she said she had become too busy and was about to go to bed but we can do tomorrow night instead.

 

I started to feel like something wasn't quite right, so I did something I have never done before and I read her messages on her laptop. I know it's wrong and it's not something I'm in the habit of doing but I had a moment of weakness. She hadn't been messaging anyone except her best friend who asked how things were with me back. She replied today saying that it was "kinda strange" having me back, and that I have been making a real effort with her, but while it was "nice at first" she can't help but feel like I'm an old friend and not her boyfriend and she ended with "no romantic desires as of yet..." She also made a reference to me turning into a pathetic puppy dog which she doesn't find appealing...

 

So I don't know what to do. She agreed to a four week trial and we've only had four days together. I knew that I wouldn't be a confident, independent, happy go lucky person straight off the bat as soon as I got back. I'm feeling hurt and vulnerable after the break up but I am certain that will disappear once I feel secure with her again. I am trying my hardest, and while I seem to have impressed on her that I have fixed the existing problems we had, apparently now there are a new set of problems with me seeming pathetic to her. The "old friend" not boyfriend comment stung the most, because to me that sounds like her feelings have changed, but she assured me they hadn't. I asked so many times, and I wouldn't have tried like I am now if that was the case. The "no romantic desires yet..." comment gives me some hope because it implies she's willing to still wait and see if it happens.

 

I feel like perhaps we need a short vacation together to get some of our spark back. One thing I neglected to mention was that in the five years we have been together we have never gone on an overseas holiday together, even somewhere close. We got very caught up in our daily lives and haven't made time for each other. Perhaps something like this, just the two of us, with nothing to do but spend time together, would really help.

 

I really need help. Anybody have any pearls of wisdom for me? And sorry for the length of the post

[SherrySher]

This is an opinion coming from a woman's point of view.

You need to back away. She is not finding you appealing and she sounds suffocated.

What she wrote to her friend is very revealing and if you push harder and try to be around more or be together more, it's going to backfire on you.

I think you need to have your own space now, go do your own things.

What she wrote is actually quite bad, especially if you are just back to seeing each other. Be prepared for this not working out. But stop forcing it's making it worse.

[Bob2526]

it's not looking good. My ex asked for space and I knew rather quickly it was not going to end well. I wish I could go back and change things because I would have done things differently. When she asked for space, I immediately became more needy and available. I was constantly calling and texting her and I was doing the complete opposite of what she wanted. She even told me that she felt like she was suffocating on the day she broke up with me and that it felt as she needed to take the weight off her shoulders. It sucks because I knew I was close to losing her and by not giving her space I pushed her further away. Looking back, my neediness was bad and I shouldn't have been so available. I felt at the time that by giving her space, it would eventually leave to a breakup. It's strange how I tried to hold onto something so much and by doing that it only made it easier for her to let go. I'm not sure if the break up could have been prevented. I look back on it now and try to think why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to to be with me and who doesn't stay with me to work through my problems. It's been over two months and I still think of her. It's gotten better but I have still have bad days here and there. Give her space and good luck to you.

[MissCanuck]

This is an opinion coming from a woman's point of view.

You need to back away. She is not finding you appealing and she sounds suffocated.

What she wrote to her friend is very revealing and if you push harder and try to be around more or be together more, it's going to backfire on you.

I think you need to have your own space now, go do your own things.

What she wrote is actually quite bad, especially if you are just back to seeing each other. Be prepared for this not working out. But stop forcing it's making it worse.

 

I agree with all of this.

 

Now is not the time to be suggesting a holiday together, OP. You need to step back a little and let her breathe. The relationship won't return to what you had in a matter of days or even weeks. The fact that she agreed to give it another shot might be good, but her not calling you and then telling her friend she's not feeling it for you is not.

 

I had a similar discussion with an ex after 5 years together, and while we hadn't yet broken up, I remember feeling irritated more than anything when he suddenly started basically smothering me with affection, plans, and whatnot. I had tried many times before to let him know I felt he was too detached and indifferent to me, so when I finally reached the point where I wanted to end it, it was more or less too late. It felt artificial and frankly, I didn't want him all over me.

 

I'm not saying with certainty that your ex won't start to warm back up. She might. But it won't happen if you continue to cling and perform as the "perfect boyfriend." It's great that you've made some positive changes in your own life, but be careful not to overcompensate by suffocating her. She's already warned you that it's becoming too much. You need to let this happen organically or it won't work.

[Snowguy15]

Thank you, guys. All very insightful and valuable advice. And I pretty much concur with all of the points you all made. Especially about backing off, doing my own thing, being supportive but playing a little more coy and hard to get, more aloof. I chatted to her friend tonight and while she doesn't know I have seen those messages, she said the exact same thing. She recommended that I spend less time around her and more time doing things with friends or by myself, showing that I am independent and not needy, but still schedule in time together, just less so. So, you all seem to be on the money!

 

I am not a needy person normally, normally I am fiercely independent. Only for this past week have I felt this way - I approached being given a second chance as a chance to just spoil and pamper her and give her lots of affection and it was purely in response to realising what a jerk I have been and how much I hurt her through my behaviour, but obviously this was the wrong approach.

 

I was actually really good at giving her space when we went on a break for a month. No contact for the first two weeks and then I asked her friend to ask if it would be OK to send her an email which she said it was. We traded two emails then a couple of phone conversations, but that was it. Clearly I need to show that my negative demeanour and behaviour has changed, but without getting in her face about it and being super clingy and affectionate.

 

I will keep you guys updated with what happens. I really appreciate the feedback!

[SherrySher]

I hope it works out the way you're wanting it to, Snowguy. Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

Agree. If you've drifted into the roommate-zone you need to plan a romantic weekend away and start doing the things you did when dating. Don't coast along in neutral. Get things in gear.

 

Also continue to work on yourself. Get a haircut, some clothes, workout - get in shape, try some hobbies, sports, interests, join clubs, groups, volunteer, etc. become involved in life and become interesting again.

 

Keep working for cash on hand and looking for a permanent solution. All those things will build confidence and bring self-respect and her respecting you back into the picture.

[vesper]

If I were you, I would even act like you are not interested in her and have nothing to lose. That kind of confidence will get you far.

[indea08]

I actually agree with vesper. You've become a doormat for her, and that's very unattractive.

 

The vacation is a terrible idea right now. That is the last thing she'll want, is to be somewhere far away and alone with you. She's already uncomfortable the way it is.

 

And btw, you better take the fact that you read her messages to your grave. THAT would be the deal breaker for me.