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Will it work?


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Hello everyone. This is my only hope for some meaningful advice. I've tried talking to my sister (who told me the usual: "it will work out"). I have an artificial relationship with my family and no friends left to talk to. Please help me.

Here it goes:

I'm in a 2 years long relationship with my girlfriend, who's the same age as me (25). Let's call her Monica. As in almost every case first months were fine. Then came some minor problems like different opinions and wrong communication ways. We tried sorting them out but new complications arose. I was very impatient and shouted at her (in my alcohol-driven family only that solved anything but it's no excuse). She on the other hand was always too cold for me, chaotic in nature but ambitious as hell and very intelligent and beautiful.

After a year of that bickering - we finally decided to respect each other - love came in, we moved together, I stopped shouting and Monica became more caring. Even that hasn't unfortunately helped. More problems started showing up (like no time alone, money, me being the only one initiating sex, having less time for my ambitions and so on).

With all of those issues I decided to finish the relationship (a year after first meeting up). She however started crying and telling me she's sorry. I just couldn't do it. My good feelings for her just flooded me. This happened like 6 times throughout our relationship.

In between that our conversations became honest and deeper. Monica's tolerance grew, mine as well.

Out of nowhere however came countless questions about her beauty. Not if she is beautiful but is she the most beautiful girl for me. I complimented her daily and it puzzles me even today (the problem persists). Then for 4 MONTHS STRAIGHT thousands of questions about being honest kept hitting me from every direction. I'm not perfect but throughout our 2 years I lied to her maybe 2-3 times and never thought about cheating (lies were not serious tho).

I kept my composure and learned to be calm and understanding but these inquiries irritated me (to say the least). Last month I told her that I explained everything and she must stop. Monica agreed.....She asks me still.

Now even phone calls make me furious. I know that she will ask me those questions sooner or later. She just promises me the same things.


I turned into an irritated, sad and unpleasant boyfriend. I feared it and it happened. I feel lost. My last relationship ended in an affair (ex left me for an older guy). That taught me to not be a kid (I was not caring for her). I decided to find real love. Real and honest relationship.


Now I don't know if I'm capable of feeling love. I beg you - help me.

It is hard to pour my feelings onto a web page. It is hard to show you everything for you to understand. I have feelings for her and don't want to hurt her.


I could survive alone - but what is life without love?


Please respond truthfully. I will rely on your answers highly.


Thank you.

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Growing up in an alcohol-driven family will damage you in many, many ways - most of which you will be unaware of. It goes way beyond the obvious ones, and will show not only in your own behaviour, but in an inability to choose healthy partners.


I'd suggest very strongly that you attend Alanon meetings; it may take a little while to find one where you feel comfortable, as they're all subtly different, but it's time well spent. Your fellow members will take the place of your dysfunctional family of origin, and provide support and understanding which only people who've been through a similar experience can.


Don't end your relationship if you're not ready to. However, if you start to take real care of yourself and your own responsibilities, your relationship will either improve or it will end of its own accord.

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One thing you will learn through experience, Alion is that relationships shouldn't be that hard.


You may love each other, but love isn't enough. The relationship is broken. I believe go both need time apart to work on yourselves as individuals. I'm an adult child of alcoholics too. There are many wounds and defense mechanisms that come from living in a volatile family and that affect your romantic relationships. You have to deal with that. Your girlfriend, in turn, is extremely insecure. There's no amount of support and reassurance that will fix this for her. She is an endless well of need right now and will stay that way until she deals with it properly.


I'm sorry. Im sure you don't want to hear that it's hopeless. I was in a relationship like yours when I was in my mid-20s. It took time and perspective to make me realize how unhealthy and futile it really was.


Good luck to you.

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The thing is that I'm taking care of myself and my responsibilities. I don't care about my family. I left that behind. She is my biggest "thing" emotionally but everything kepps crumbling.


The moment you make someone else the source of all your happiness (your "biggest thing emotionally"), you are not attending to your own responsibilities to yourself. This relationship causes you a great deal of anger and frustration, but you still call it love, and are unable to walk away. Stop trying to fix and reassure her; it won't work, and it's something she needs to do for herself. Love comes from a full heart, not an empty one, and you need to love yourself before you can really love anyone else. Now that IS your responsibility - nobody can do this for you, any more than they can eat or sleep for you.


Sure, you've left your family behind in a direct physical sense, but you'll be carrying all the negative, learned stuff with you unless you change it. This can't be done without outside help; otherwise it's a bit like trying to lift yourself up off the ground by pulling on your own shoelaces.


Good luck!

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Do you still live together? It sounds like a volatile mess with chronic arguments, breakups and huge personality clashes.


Why not free yourself to find a more compatible woman and let her go?

She just called telling me to make up my mind about us. As if it's not hard enough...
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