Being a cold and driven woman

[Cindygrio]

So I'm in my late 20s now. In paper I'm datable, and I do have my good qualities. I work really hard and have achieved a lot on my own.

 

I decided to start dating and met someone online. Things were going really fast at first. Perfect first few dates. A+ for effort and personality. He is a bit cheesy for my liking, and I understand that it may be his real self. He's sappy about his family (grandmother in particular), loves animals and talking to strangers and is absurdly attractive. I don't have reservations or rules about sexual activity on first date, and take a feminist view. We slept together right away.

 

I'm always guarded, which I want to change. Anyways he wanted me to meet his grandmother the second date, but I gently reminded him that I needed to get home.

 

I have work for a few weeks in neighbouring state, not short enough for drive. We started a long term courtship. He dropped hints that we were seeing each other, and was in my opinion sort of jumping the gun. I like the attention and I think he's great.

 

I tried to arrange a calling schedulal starting with last weekend, and he was out and said he thought he mentioned to me that he was out. He texted me 3 days later his tone changed.

 

There was a lot of tension in our convo. It seemed borderline argumentative. He carries the bulk of the conversation as I'm not a great conversationalist. Two times the tension felt like the start of the argument. I'm guilty of being cold and not affectionate I suppose.

 

I don't want to give up quite yet and will be on my best behaviour next time. I suspect he's intimidated by my career and drive. I don't want to be a domineering woman. I've had this feedback before.

 

I'm trying to figure out if I'm missing any potential red flags before I dive in. Please advise

[ManyDates]

Sounds like this is mainly attraction based from your end towards him and you have very different personality types. He, like most men, watch too many movies and think being a sap is what women want - you clearly do not and need a straight forward, strong, decisive and masculine man. That isn't him.

[Clio]

He is a bit cheesy for my liking, and I understand that it may be his real self.

 

He dropped hints that we were seeing each other, and was in my opinion sort of jumping the gun.

 

He carries the bulk of the conversation as I'm not a great conversationalist.

 

I'm guilty of being cold and not affectionate I suppose.

 

I suspect he's intimidated by my career and drive.

 

I don't want to be a domineering woman. I've had this feedback before.

 

Red flags on his part: Moving too fast given that you two are clearly VERY different and out of sync.

 

Your career and drive is not the problem. Being cold and unaffectionate and having him carry the bulk of conversation is. You sound like you are approaching this as another work transaction to be executed and fit into your schedule. Most people would find that off-putting.

 

As for jumping the gun, I find hard to understand how sleeping together right away was not jumping the gun for you, yet establishing seeing each other was.

 

Overall, it sounds like you too are too different in terms of basic temperament. He appears to have a warm (what you call cheesy/sappy) nature (too early to say whether this is for real though) and you are on the other end of the spectrum. Your life approaches sound too different. In the long-term, I think that you would end up feeling very frustrated with each other. Based on the picture you painted in your post I see two people who are not compatible - nothing to do with someone being intimidated.

[IAmFCA]

The phrase "cold and driven woman" made me shudder. You may be each of these, or maybe not. In no event are these traits necessarily linked. One never hears of a cold and driven man.

 

Always believe in that part of yourself who wants more experience and knowledge and wisdom and responsibility and resources with which to feed your soul and help others. That isn't cold and it isn't ambition. Its called "living". People who accept being static aren't living, they are merely existing.

 

Life is a lemon, an orange, a tomato, a peach. We are meant to get the juice out, whether sweet or trt, messy or difficult. Do your thing, woman.

[Batya33]

"I don't have reservations or rules about sexual activity on first date, and take a feminist view. We slept together right away."

 

That's fine that you are cool with having sex on the first date but IMO that has nothing at all to do with being a feminist - having intercourse doesn't, for example, make you any more "equal" to a man (and if you think that way that's a bit sexist don't you think?)

 

I don't think your issues have to do with being career driven or high achieving -simply a matter of working on social and communication skills.

[ParisPaulette]

But are you really cold and un-affectionate or is that what he's telling you, because you won't let him fast track you. Which by the way is a major red flag. And now the guy is getting aggressive and argumentative with you and you've only gone on a couple of dates? I'm sorry, but that's a serious red flag as well - one of those there is something wrong with this guy type - because normal men and women do not act like that. They take the time to get to know you, they have no need to get aggressive, or start making you feel like you're the problem.

 

You being career driven is not the problem. You keeping boundaries in place and saying, "Let's get to know each other before I make any major commitments or have sex with you or go meet your family, since hell I don't really know you yet," is not.a.problem. That he feels it is says much, much more about him than it does you. And alarm bells are going off here or you wouldn't even be posting this. You'd just be going along only to find out down the line that yeah, your gut was trying to tell you something all right, the fact that this guy might be one fry short of a happy meal.

 

Buy the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker, watch some of his videos, because I think what you need to work on is listening to your gut, realizing "No" is a complete sentence and anyone pushing past that is not respecting you or listening to you, and that you need to stop letting near strangers tell you that you are this bad thing or that bad thing just because you won't roll along with their agenda of boundary pushing, red flags a flying, "I'm going to fast track you into something you will likely find out you don't want down the road."

 

Second date, "I want you to meet grandma" is not normal. It is a warning. You need to keep your boundaries in place and when someone you barely know starts in with the criticisms and guilt mongering and pushing at you and being aggressive you know that the right thing to do is is break things off, do more dating, look for the sane ones.

 

'Cause something is very wrong here and the fact you think it's you or are trying to convince yourself it's you, is in and of itself a major problem. Of the you need to listen to your guts and just see the person in front of you, not who you want him to be, but a man who is frantically pushing at you to let him take full control and then being nasty when you don't.

 

Don't be settling for the first guy that up and looks like he might be a catch, take your time, be strong about your own boundaries.

[Batya33]

I wanted to change what I wrote to say that this guy seems controlling/inappropriate -I was responding to the "domineering" feedback. I had a very intense career (and prestigious) for many years and there were a few men who were turned off by that or maybe insecure. Most were not and that was partly because I stayed well-rounded and knew when the professional hat should come off (not that "domineering" has a role in the office but certainly social roles and professional roles probably differ in showing emotion/vulnerability, etc.)

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? What was the tension/argument about? What red flags concern you at this point?

 

Try not to pigeon hole and stereo typecast yourself so much. Sometimes dating has it's 'getting to know the good with the meh and bad moments', so? Par for the course. As long as you convince yourself you are a robot because you have a career and that explains everything, you'll be missing out on what's really going on right in from of you.

 

Going at a reasonable pace just makes sense as far as boundaries, so try to set a better pace.

I decided to start dating and met someone online. Things were going really fast at first.

We started a long term courtship. I like the attention and I think he's great. Two times the tension felt like the start of the argument. I'm guilty of being cold and not affectionate I suppose.

[IAmFCA]

ParisPaulette nailed it.

 

Forget whatever gender roles you've been taught. Forget who you think you "should" be. You may be comparing yourself to some fictional ideal, and then judging yourself for not fitting that ideal. If you are doing that, stop. Replace those ideas with

 

Who and/or what traits do I admire in others? How can I continue to grow so I embody those traits in my everyday life?

 

That is all you need to do.

 

And yes, this is relevant to this thread, because your uncertainty about yourself allowed you to accept or nearly accept this man's judgment in place of your own. Full stop when that happens. Always slow your pace until your judgment is clear, so that you follow your own judgment before anyone else's. Regardless of who the other person is or what they say.

 

In this case, his judgment is way off. The things he says are typical of a person who is toxic to others. He is manipulating you by tearing you down - as if you aren't an authority over what is right for you - and by positioning himself as the standard bearer. See how that works? Over time, you doubt yourself and follow him mindlessly, becoming ever more absent from your own life. Deeply poisonous to your self esteem and your soul. Where he would lead you is uncertain but his ideas are way off base; wherever it would be, we can be sure it would be bad for you.

 

Make a tall fence between you and this person and don't let either of you cross it.

[Clio]

What exactly did he say though? Maybe I failed miserably at reading between the lines, but reading the OP, it was not clear to me that he actually said all that to her. My answer was based on the impression that the "cold and driven" judgments were self-made rather than something he told her.

[tattoobunnie]

 

I'm always guarded... He dropped hints that we were seeing each other, and was in my opinion sort of jumping the gun... he wanted me to meet his grandmother the second date, but I gently reminded him that I needed to get home.

 

No reason to be guarded - if you want love, you have to make the room for it in your heart and your head - in your life. There's no room for thinking you need to have the upper hand. Essentially, you told him, "Not so fast that we're seeing eachother (which translates I am seeing others as well)", and "Can't meet someone important in your life (I've got better things to do that take 5 minutes to meet someone you love and respect)".

 

If you really want this to work out, I'd shower him with some tlc and affection, and be upfront if you like him or not.

[JaggerJim]

How long have you been dating? What was the tension/argument about? What red flags concern you at this point?

 

Try not to pigeon hole and stereo typecast yourself so much. Sometimes dating has it's 'getting to know the good with the meh and bad moments', so? Par for the course. As long as you convince yourself you are a robot because you have a career and that explains everything, you'll be missing out on what's really going on right in from of you.

 

Going at a reasonable pace just makes sense as far as boundaries, so try to set a better pace.

 

Yes I got that vibe too, that you put success and determination above love and vulnerability. You just need to knock some of those walls down, and let men in. You can have both, a career and a man!