I recently broke up with my long-term girlfriend of 7 years. Right decision?

[aHughman]

Hey everyone,

 

First time post here — asking for help/advice/insight/perspective/etc on my current situation…

 

So, I recently (last week) broke up with my long-term girlfriend. We were together for 7 years. High school sweethearts etc.

 

I truly love this women. She was my best-friend. I love and care about her unconditionally. Our relationship was perfect on paper. We shared the same interests, humor, likes/dislikes, yadayadayada…

 

BUT,

 

For some reason I didn’t feel fulfilled or satisfied at the end of the day. I wrestled with these feelings for months and months (we talked about my feelings too). And it wasn’t that I didn’t love her, because I genuinely did (and still do). I'm not sure if my love towards her was more of that of a best-friend, or if it was romantic passion. But for whatever reason I felt a feeling of unhappiness and it ate away at me for a year until I finally worked up the courage to end it with her. It was by far the hardest thing I’ve done in my life.

 

This is basically what I said to her, and how I feel (I broke up with her in person, out of respect):

 

“You’ve always given me 100% of your love, and I feel like I haven’t fully returned that. I try my hardest to treat you as special as you are, but at times I don’t give you the complete fulfilling love you should be getting in return from a committed relationship. I feel like I haven’t been there fully emotionally for you, and I don’t think it’s fair or right.

 

As I’ve said before, I’ve been feeling confused/uncertain about things off and on for a while now. I’ve come to the possible realization that those feelings stem from my lack of life experience in general. I’ve got problems within myself that I have to deal with before anything else. In order to gain any understanding on anything, especially love, I think that I need to have context and experience to learn from.

 

We’ve been together for a huge quarter of our young lives, and you’ve helped me grow so much (hopefully I’ve done the same for you), but I’ve also never really been single as a young man. We’ve grown dependently together, instead of growing independently as two — which I think is important for any relationship between two people. I think it would be healthy for both of us to get outside of our comfort zones and grow a bit independently at this stage of life.

 

Since I don’t know anything outside of you, there’s always been a wedge driven through our relationship by me not understanding how meaningful it is. And this is basically all my fault. You’re truly an amazing women, with intoxicating physical and mental beauty, and real depth of personality. Every unique piece of you paints a beautiful picture.

 

Unfortunately though, we’re still kids with minimal life experience. Timing is important and it sucks. I really don’t want to hurt you because I genuinely love you, but I know that I’m unfortunately breaking your heart either way — if we break up or if I just string you along while I try to find myself.

 

I know this is pretty selfish of me, but it’s how I feel. It seems like it’s important to learn from experience in order to truly love. Like knowing the sour to know the sweet. I’ve thought about this for a long time and there’s no fixing my problems without me going out on my own to do so.

 

I still obviously want you to be in my life, and I’d still love to chill as best-friends. You’re undoubtedly one of my favorite humans on this planet. You’ll always be extremely important to me, and I’ll always care about you immensely. But, I imagine that we’ll probably need some time alone and apart to process everything.

 

Anyways, I feel like I need to go out on my own for once. I feel like if I don’t do it now then I’m just suppressing things that will negatively materialize later in our relationship like they have been.

 

In a way I feel like I’m emotionally cheating on you since I’m not 100% fully invested in our relationship because I don’t have any experience or knowledge of self. It’s not fair to you for me to have one foot in the door and one foot out at times. You deserve full love, not just someone who’s undecidedly hot and cold in their ignorance.

 

I’m sorry, but it feels like I need to make an important decision for once in my life. I think breaking up for now would be the best thing for both of us in the long run, and hopefully we’ll possibly still be fundamental parts of each others future at some point. I’m sorry that my problems have led to this.”

 

Plus, a quote that also helps explain my feelings:

 

“I spent [seven] years hurting a good woman by staying with her, but never fully choosing her. I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly. … Every day, for [seven] years, I chose her a little less [though]. … Choosing her would have meant focusing every day on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so much more. … I realize now, however, that she was often [anxious/scared/etc] because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her. … Actually, I did abandon her. By not fully choosing her every day for [seven] years, I deserted her. … Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship. … Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen, every day.”

 

NOW,

 

I’m really struggling with feelings of regret and the sadness of missing her. And it really kills me that I've hurt her this much and caused her this much suffering (she's devastated).

 

I know it’s fresh and these emotions are natural, and my logical/rational mind thinks the break up was ultimately the right decision, but my heart still aches…

 

Anyways, that’s my story. Thanks for listening.

[mtexas25]

Reading your post reminded me of my past relationship that I was also in for 7 years with my ex-bf, except I was the one who ended it with him. I ended it with him for the exact same reasons as you. He was the nicest, most dependable, and loyal person, but I felt with time it became more of a friendship than a relationship. I stayed longer than I should have because it was a for sure thing, I was secure.

 

Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I had to do as well because you are breaking your best friend's heart when all they want is to love you and be with you. At the same time I was scared because I had grown up with him for 7 years.

 

But it's not fair to them to not love them the way they should be, and at the same time it's not fair for you to stay when you need to experience life more, individually.

 

I can say four plus years after our break up, it was the right thing to do. I still am looking for that special person and I'm not going to lie, my relationship with another guy after him was horrible, but I'm hopeful, and I have more appreciation for good relationships and the work it takes to keep that chemistry going and not getting too comfortable. He and I still remain great friends, but I'm not going to lie it was tough and I am grateful he's still in my life. I look forward to meeting someone I can have that kind of relationship with but with attraction as well. It's not wrong to want both.

 

I guess, if you believe you will regret staying, then you're doing the right thing and should take this time for yourself. The way you told her in person was considerate, and break ups are never easy. Who knows maybe the time away will make you appreciate her and and give you certainty that she is the one, or maybe you'll see she's not.

[aHughman]

Damn. Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. I really appreciate this -- more than words can express -- it gives me a lot of hope, and helps confirm that I did the right thing at the end of the day for both of us. I hope one day to be at the state you're at. Thank you, and best of wishes in your future as well.

[Clio]

Sounds like you did the right thing and that you tried to do it in the best way you knew how. So far it sounds like you have done quite well. The only thing that you could have done better would have been to omit any breaking up "for now" comments as that leaves the other with a false hope that you may come back. Such comments only serve to relieve your guilt/uncertainty and are very hurtful to their healing process. Try not to string her along with hints of a possible reconciliation down the line or try to stay friends right after the break up, as this is not fair and will needlessly prolong her suffering/pain. Best not to say anything about the future. You broke up because you didn’t feel fulfilled or satisfied at the end of the day. That is valid and you made the right decision. However, once the initial "feeling relief" phase wears off you may feel the urge to go back and forth after a while. Most dumpers in your situation do but it is a passing phase. This happens because breaking off a 7-year habit/attachment is hard and takes time. During that phase, try not to confuse/hurt her by going back and forth. As long as the reason for breaking up stands you should not get back together. She deserves space to heal just as you deserve to explore what other options are out there.

[Wiseman2]

It's never cut and dried or easy. Especially as the decision maker and the one who feels the guilt. However you know that you couldn't go on in quiet desperation and string her along, right?