How can one become less emotional and emotionally high maintenance?

[blueowl32]

Any tips or personal experience on this one?

 

1) How to become less emotional? Or more crucially;

2) how to become less emotionally high maintenance/ needy when dating or in a relationship?

 

Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

You need to have a full life. Pursuing goals, education, working, hobbies, sports, activities, interest, groups, clubs friends, etc. Not with regard to winning over some guy but to build your self confidence and happiness and have a life you want to live.

 

Make a list of all the places you want to go, things you want to do, goals you want to accomplish and start working toward that to have a vision and a purpose in life other than "does he like me"?

how to become less emotionally high maintenance/ needy when dating or in a relationship?

[Pretzel]

You need to have a full life. Pursuing goals, education, working, hobbies, sports, activities, interest, groups, clubs friends, etc. Not with regard to winning over some guy but to build your self confidence and happiness and have a life you want to live.

 

Make a list of all the places you want to go, things you want to do, goals you want to accomplish and start working toward that to have a vision and a purpose in life other than "does he like me"?

 

This is really it.

 

It will allow you to love yourself. And when you believe in yourself, you'll have less reason to have unnecessary doubts and anxieties in a relationship, and will demand less from a relationship.

 

Of course, we are all human and from time to time a gut instinct may kick in particularly if there's a potential red flag and that might send your emotions into overdrive for a bit. But that's okay too. If you learn to manage it in the best way possible. And that you can learn from experience and self-reflection.

Me personally, I am able to calm my emotions down by going for a swim or starting a new painting.

[j.man]

Yup. We can give you pages of emotional advice, but step one and most important is living a full life. You should have hobbies, friends, a professional life that leave you independently fulfilled. That leads to a complementary dynamic rather than a dependent one.

[J Miracle]

Many people are emotionally high maintenance because they are relying on others (ie partner) for external validation. This is not healthy and will surely lead to your partner letting you down. Good for you for realizing this is your problem, and not somebody else's. All too often the wrong person is held responsible for somebody's happiness.

[Salty]

Learn to empathize and not obsess over what it is you want but rather what you are bringing to the table.

[melancholy123]

Wiseman is one wise man! Listen to what he says!

[catfeeder]

Great advice above.

 

If you're not happy with yourself and your own life before a relationship, you won't be happy in one, either. Start your work there, and you'll thank yourself later.

[Dahl]

Learn to empathize and not obsess over what it is you want but rather what you are bringing to the table.

 

I am starstruck by this. It applies to so many areas and situations in my life. Thank you for the sublime advice.

[1a1a]

This thread is suuuuuper!!

 

You rock for asking and the replies coming in are on point.

[Batya33]

Fake it till you make it. You can control your reactions even though you cannot control your feelings. Be less self absorbed -which is really what acting needy is about -and more other-centered. Give twice the space you feel like giving.

I've had to do a lot of hard work on myself in an analogous situation (parenting a young child) because my ultimate goal is that my child grow up in as calm an environment as possible and I am type A/high strung, and not great at being hangry/sleep deprived. So I read a book and one message resonated "calm yourself down" -meaning -focus on yourself not in the way you are doing now - but to calm yourself down, to mellow out - how to do that? I have breathing exercises, cardio exercise, self-talk, drinking plenty of water and trying to get more rest so that I can face the challenges that make me stressed and anxious and present a calm demeanor, tone and energy. Focusing on yourself by choosing to act needy/high maintenance/oversharing is not what I'm talking about -it's catching yourself before you choose to react in that way and using one of your personal go-to methods to calm yourself down.

[Rollergirl13]

Yup. We can give you pages of emotional advice, but step one and most important is living a full life. You should have hobbies, friends, a professional life that leave you independently fulfilled. That leads to a complementary dynamic rather than a dependent one.

 

What happens if you are doing all of these things and still feel empty and alone? What is the next step?

[90_hour_sleep]

What happens if you are doing all of these things and still feel empty and alone? What is the next step?

 

this points to the fact that none of these things actually lead to fulfillment in life. not to say they're not important, or valuable as additions to our lives. but, they will always be just that...additions. somewhere in the mix, we need a foundation...or none of these things we do amount to anything. they're flimsy attempts to fill voids within.

 

the things we do are secondary. always. what we are...is primary. i think it's easy to lose sight of that in the modern world. we're fixated on doing...and tend to lose sight of just being. just...being.

 

that can mean different things to different people. for me...it might mean taking an extra hour one morning to sleep, or snuggle (regardless of life's obligations). another moment it might just be sitting outside after work. or walking. walking is great. maybe it's eating cake for breakfast. or telling someone i love them...for no reason other than to experience that other person feeling loved.

 

there are literally a billion examples. i think it all boils down to presence. being here for the moments. not hoping, or wishing, or dreaming life away. wanting something better, or different can be a powerful catalyst...but when it ceases to be a catalyst and becomes a way of being...then you can be sure that you're resisting...denying your experience.

 

acceptance of the way things are. i think this is how we get to know ourselves. sometimes all of the other stuff can become one big distraction. then we wake up one day and wonder where all our time went...and why we spent it doing things that didn't really interest us.

 

completely agree with what salty said also. moving outside of our own narrow field of vision and considering what we have to offer any situation. awesome.

[Batya33]

What happens if you are doing all of these things and still feel empty and alone? What is the next step?

 

It's not a finite "ok I did it I'm done". It's a lifelong commitment to personal growth -the things you do to grow/maintain might change but they don't completely go away. Also no guarantees as far as getting involved in a happy, serious romantic relationship or guarantee of success in the dating world but it certainly increases your chances in that department and with satisfying friendships and professional relationships and you feel good about yourself which has a positive domino effect.