I am totally love sick and unsure what to do

[betaboy]

Hello, I need help in trying to get over someone in my life. My wife and I have been married 10 years, we have an 11 year old son together but it is not her that I cannot get over.

 

When I started senior school, I met a girl (going to call her "K") who I really liked, we went out a few times at school, nothing that lasted more than 3 weeks but she was my childhood sweetheart, I loved her all through out school and strangely we shared the same birthday. She was always nice to me at school and when we left school I new that I probably won't be seeing her as much. When I was 23, I bumped into her on new years eve, she had a daughter but was split from the Dad and single, we had a brief fling over the next few months, I really wanted to be with her at the time but she had just come out of a relationship and wanted to not be tied down to another. It was a shame as it was a little awkward but we kept in touch which dwindled out, a year later I met my future wife (going to call her "T"). At first we were just friends with benefits until we found out after about 3 months that we were pregnant. T and I were not an official item, I did not love her, I did not know her, neither of us knew either ones family or friends but found ourselves pregnant, we decided that we should keep it and move in together and give it a try.

 

T and I got on like a house on fire and any thoughts of K were totally gone. T and I married 18 months after our son was born, everything was great even though we didn't have too much. A few years later, things changed. We found ourselves going through an exceptionally tough financial situation. At one point we had to use our penny jar and nectar points just to buy food. Arguments happened and I left because I was not in love with her anymore, I didn't fancy her.

 

I kept a decent relationship with my wife but a few months later I was contacted by K. We met up, flirted with late night texts and eventually slept with her in a one night stand. We kept in touch with each other but after 6 months I ended up going back to my wife asking if we should give it another try, so we tried again and this time we moved on, I didn't speak that often to K and it just faded out again.

 

Life got better after that with T, we eventually bought a house, I found out that K had another daughter and was with someone. Years went by without thinking about her but my love for my wife was dying. In July,last year K contacted me by messenger she told me she had finished with the second childs father, was single and asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits!!, I told her that I was married, she was a bit drunk at the time was what she told me and said sorry in the morning. She then persisted to message me, finding old school books we had written in and sent pics of them to me, still very flirty. I was getting attention from her and it was a buzz, I looked at my wife and did not love her in the way I have for K.

 

She wanted to meet up with me in the woods, I take my dog there for a walk and decided that was a decent place to meet up. We talked about loads but we also kissed, a really passionate one too, lots of feelings that went into it, I didn't care that I was being unfaithful but had just lost my job, had no money, was not in love with T and there was nothing positive coming my way, I grabbed a small piece of happiness all in that kiss. K and I talked about being together that day, she said she had strong feelings for me and wanted another baby one day, I too wanted another child, something that T and I have always wanted but have not been committed enough to change our lifestyles. K told me that day in the woods that she was off to a festival the next day, The next day I got a message from K telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me while at this festival, I was sat at home and my wife was in the room when she messaged me. I told her that I would email her later as it was not a great time to talk. I emailed her and told her that it would be hard for me to leave my wife and be instantly in a relationship with her but I do feel the same and I am torn between what to do.

 

Two days later, I see K posting on social media that she is going on a date!, I did not mention anything to her, just followed her posts but it turned out it was someone that she met at that festival!. I felt sick to my stomach that one day she was telling me she loved me and a few days later she was dating someone. A few days after her date I then saw on social media that her car had been taken off the road due to no insurance or tax. I felt sorry for her, she need £500, I lent it to her and told her to pay me back by the end of the year. Over the next few weeks, she had more dates but more financial problems, I lent her another £200.

 

I met up with her to give her the £200, we spoke for ages, I told her that I loved her and she told me that her date has turned into her boyfriend. I was devastated, they are still together 8 months later. A few weeks after lending her the money, I went to the doctors for a minor issue, when I got out she was there waiting for me, she saw me go in. We decided to go for breakfast, we spoke for ages, she talked about her boyfriend and her situation and her plans to leave town with him which broke my heart. However, one morning a few weeks later I woke up and found a message from her telling me she "had a dream about me last night", I asked her what happened, she said she couldn't say!! There has been other occasions to where she pushed a boundary in regards to my feelings for her.

 

Even though I get on with my wife, I am not in love with her like I am with K, I did attempt to leave her but kept coming back due to having to move back in with my parents which is not a great option for many reasons, I have since blocked K on social media, it was my birthday today or our birthday today and yet I just cannot get her out of my mind. I think about K all the time, I am deeply and madly in love with her but need to forget her. my wife is the kindest, most loyal person and is a fantastic mother but she isn't K.

 

K still hasn't paid me back the £700 she owes me, a few months ago she told me she was selling her house and moving away so will have the money for me then but the house hasn't sold yet. T found out about the money I was owed, she hit the roof and contacted K to ask her if she was having an affair with me, she told her there wasn't an affair and she loved her boyfriend. There is a tie because of this money and I want it to go away, I want to avoid her but want her to contact me at the same time about the money. I just can't contact K about the money, I have wanted to just back off but I just can't move on. Can anyone help? sorry for the essay. How do I get over this girl?

 

Thanks

Betaboy

[Pretzel]

My guess is that the only reason your love for K is so strong is because it is just a fantasy and not based on anything real that a real relationship, such as the one with your wife, has to withstand.

 

Had you lived with K and shared years of your life facing all kinds of life's complications you might have also argued about things such as money etc. (in fact it sounds that way given she borrowed money from you and hasn't even given it back) and those disputes would have made your intense feelings less intense and all the more real and perhaps would have rubbed the shine off her.

 

Basically, K is 'the one that got away'.

 

There wasn't anything long term between you there. You only ever had these flings and short lived romances on and off. You got a taste of it and couldn't have all of it and that's what drove you crazy.

 

I feel for your wife because you haven't been honest with her; and your wife is supposed to be your partner and best friend in life... you've really betrayed her, even if it's not physical, but it's emotional cheating and it's not fair to her feelings. You've said she's loyal etc. and you aren't matching her loyalty.

 

What concerns me is your excuse for not ending things properly being that you don't want to move back in with your parents.

 

I think, besides from these two women, perhaps you should do some self reflection on what you really want out of life and what steps you are going to do to be the best you can possibly be for yourself.

[ParisPaulette]

You go home, you look your child and your wife in the eyes, you start spending time with them. And you realize that anyone who would go after a married man has more emotional problems than you are equipped to deal with along with the absolute hate and sorrow you'll be visiting on your wife and kid, who did nothing from what I can see to deserve your betrayal.

 

Sometimes you have to say no, and pass temptation by. I'm sure you've wanted a fancy car before or things you couldn't afford, but did you spend all your money to get them then go home and tell your wife and child they would be sleeping in the street, because you couldn't control yourself and just had to buy that brand new toy?

 

No?

 

Same thing here. She's a brand new toy is all, but really you are either a decent human being who will understand that loyalty should trump wants sometimes and you'll do the right thing. Or you'll justify it until your family is gone, you realize too late that anyone who would go after a married person with a kid or kids is a really p-poor prospect for the future, and that you just threw your entire life away for a bit of fun.

 

Your choice, but I feel bad for your family. They're the ones who are the victims here through no fault of their own. At least be a man about it and tell your wife you want a divorce and why, then go get counseling and end the marriage. You might have a chance then of at least being able to look yourself in the eye again some day.

 

And yeah, I'm being hard on you. My parents cheated on each other, I'd have been so happy if they had divorced each other. Or just been faithful, but the back and forth was just all manner of flipped up for us kids to have to endure. And yeah, your kid is gonna find out. So wake up.

 

P.S. She's using you for money. My guess is she does this a lot to a lot of guys. But is that money you can afford? What part of it being your family's money too do you leave out? She's not going to pay you back, get over it. She's a con artist and you just fell for the oldest trick in the book. A lot of flattery, some schmoozing, some "I love yous" "Oh, by the way, I need money." Do a bit of digging, I bet she doesn't work at all, and a lot of guys are paying her bills.

 

SMH Please come clean to your wife, don't be a coward on top of everything else. Seriously, you know you're not getting that money back. so put a pin in it, face the music, and go examine why all it takes is a pretty woman and bit of flattery and you're opening your pocket book and stabbing your wife and kid in the back.

[Matt3939]

I'm not even going after what you are up to I'll let others. One thing I'll say is. She confesses her love to you. Then the next day is going on a date with somone. Why does this surprise you? That should tell you loads. I agree with the rest this is a fantasy relationship.

[SooSad33]

I dont believe you have actual 'love' for K.. more like a need.. or obsession.. thats gotten out of hand.

you've gotten in way over your head, trying to reach out for something that's never going to be.

 

Emotionally invested in her is what you are...

 

BUT I feel it is time to STOP all you are doing. Dont expect the money back.. and work on letting go.

 

She was never that into you.. it's just something like her leading you on.. because all she wanted was a Fwb. Not a relationship- and you kept reacting.

 

I suggest you work on YOU now.. and get away from her, as she is Toxic. No good for you.

 

As for T? That is a dead end as well.. you dont love her.. more using her.

 

I suggest some therapy to help you deal with all this and get your life back in order. You're all confused and emotionally spent.

[SherrySher]

K has two baby daddies, two kids form two different men, neither of which she was married to. She then chases a married man, takes money off of him (even though she has ANOTHER man )...can someone say low class hoe?

 

And you..you're no better...you were given a good woman, someone who is faithful, a good mother and a good wife and what do you do?? Every time you get bored or life get's a bit tougher, you don't act like a man, you act like an ass and start doing the GIGS bit and playing up this old fantasy bs, that really is fantasy.

 

Do you know what a grown man does? He remains faithful, for better or for worse. He fixes the problems and repairs his marriage, he doesn't act like a fool and goes back to chasing down a woman who runs from man to man. She cared about you so much that she was on a date after she told you she "loved you"...phoney as hell.

 

Please, stop the game playing, realise that this woman was just a backup for when things got tough or your got bored, and either be good to your wife now, or divorce. Stop doing this crap to her behind her back, she is the last one in the world who deserves it.

[Honeybal]

Everybody pretty much hit the nail on the head. It's all just fantasy. I used to fantasize all the time about being with someone else while I was married, now that I'm older I realize that I was inlove with the fantasy but not the actual person because I got over those people real quick, I realized just how much I loved my ex husband when I divorced him, None of those other guys had the capacity to hurt me as much as when my ex husband cheated on me. Use your brain man, stop thinking with your , because once your wife gives up on you she will probably never go back. That cant live without her feeling fades, but finding someone who genuinely cares for you and does not ask for anything in return is rare.

[Honeybal]

someone told me that men never really think about the future, they usually go for what will make them happy now. Think about your goals for yourself and the kind of partner you want. Is that your wife or this other woman?

[Krankor]

I experienced this sort of lovesickness over "the one who got away" about a year and a half ago. It came on out of the blue and caught me off guard as this woman had been in my sphere for years after we had our initial fling, but once it got a hold of me I couldn't get it out of my head. And I had it BAD. Like punched-in-the-gut, can't eat, can't sleep, even getting misty-eyed thinking about how stupid I was to let her go. I tried to shake it off but couldn't seem to.

 

So I get it, this isn't something you can just snap your fingers and make go away.

 

It got so bad that I actually tried counseling for the first time in my life, but the counselor just told me that she thought I had a good chance of rekindling things with her. I was posting about it here at the time, and people were warning me that she was a bad relationship prospect, but I wouldn't listen. I just wanted what I wanted and did end up back with her, thinking I'd overcome the odds only to get dumped four months into it out of the blue.

 

Even though the breakup was really hard on me, it turned out well because it also broke that "lovesick" spell.

 

Then again, I wasn't married at the time...

 

Realize that your wife can't possibly compete because you've inadvertently set her up to fail. Laundry, bills, house repairs, and dirty diapers can't possibly compete with the fantasy you've built around K. And the fantasy is only made stronger by having had a taste of the real thing, so the fantasy is reinforced by a dose of reality.

 

I personally think that your marriage and your family deserve a chance. This is the real life that you've made for yourself and I think you should try to make it work. Try some counseling, maybe some CBT to get K out of your head. If you can't make your marriage work, keep being a good father to your son and realize that you don't have a future with K.

[ShatteredMan]

Realize that your wife can't possibly compete because you've inadvertently set her up to fail. Laundry, bills, house repairs, and dirty diapers can't possibly compete with the fantasy you've built around K. And the fantasy is only made stronger by having had a taste of the real thing, so the fantasy is reinforced by a dose of reality.

 

I personally think that your marriage and your family deserve a chance. This is the real life that you've made for yourself and I think you should try to make it work. Try some counseling, maybe some CBT to get K out of your head. If you can't make your marriage work, keep being a good father to your son and realize that you don't have a future with K.

 

^^^ Completely agree. I also went through a similar experience like Krankor did.

 

This fantasy will wreck so many things for you. Definitely get some counseling, if not for yourself, for the sake of your wife and child. You owe it to them as a man. They don't have any other options for a father and husband.

 

I found through my own experience that fantasy is a nice little escape temporarily from unhappiness, usually from fear and control-based issues that we're dealing with. I kept holding on to a relationship that was dead and over because my greatest fear was that she would run off with another man, which she did about a month after we broke up. The fact that she was my neighbor just messed with me even more......

 

I kept fantasizing about the chance of reconciliation, despite the fact that I was angry that she mistreated me our last two months together. I still have to keep reminding myself (everytime I wonder what she's doing) that I am still attracted to the fantasy that she would be everything I ever wanted and would be the perfect wife, etc...........ALL FANTASY.

 

Through counseling, I worked on this (and continue to do so). It has made me much more thankful for everything that I have without her....or the fantasy of what I had hoped would happen with her.

 

Do the right thing. Start working on this issue now....for EVERYONE that this can and will affect.