Depressed

[calliso5]

I've been hanging around here for a while. Never created a login or posted. So, my first post here. Not quite sure if I'm putting this in the right place even. Sorry for no back story or lead-in.

 

Feeling pretty depressed today. There doesn't seem to be anything particular that has triggered it, but nonetheless here I am. Questioning where I am in life. Is this where I want to be? Is this where I wanted to be 10 years ago? 20 years ago? The answer is, I had no idea where I wanted to be back then. But I probably wouldn't have picked here. On the surface I've got a pretty good life. Wife, 4 kids, house, job to support all of us. So, why am I depressed about it right now. I spent some time researching mid life crisis today. I think I fit more than a couple of the triggers. What happened to happiness? Not worrying about everything all the time? Suffocating on life right now.

 

I want to be able to talk about this with my wife, but I'm either afraid of her response, or that she wouldn't be supportive. Writing it here seems stupid, but I've tried to broach this before, and her response always causes me to shut down. I just don't think that quickly on my feet to respond to everything she comes back with.

 

Should I go back to the therapist? Probably, but when and how do we pay for it. We are all screwed up so much. We should all be in counseling and we should be in marriage counseling together. That just seems so overwhelming. I don't even know where to start.

 

I'm trying to start working on myself. Working out more, trying to get out socially. Haven't done that last part yet, but that is a lack of free time, not lack of desire. I want to play hockey again. Money and guilt are stopping me.

 

Feeling lost. Feeling down today.

 

Not looking for anything in particular, maybe just an encouraging word.

 

Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Yes review it with a therapist alone first to consolidate your thoughts.

 

Is your wife afraid you're trying to have the "I'm unhappy" talk?

 

Excellent you started some life and self improvement plans. Are you arguing about money a lot lately?

I want to be able to talk about this with my wife, but I'm either afraid of her response, or that she wouldn't be supportive. and her response always causes me to shut down. Should I go back to the therapist? Probably, but when and how do we pay for it. We should all be in counseling and we should be in marriage counseling together.

[calliso5]

Ya, she immediately jumps to that conclusion. So, I am not able to get on solid ground, and collect my thoughts fast enough. I've started keeping a journal with my thoughts on what I want to talk about. But the time I make to write things down is when I'm either worked up about something, and therefore not completely rational. Or depressed, and therefore just feels like whining when I reread it. I tend to think, analyze, and critique everything before I just say it. Not necessarily walking on egg shells, but I just want to be clear on what I mean.

 

We've had a few conversations lately, but my selfish side is disappointed that it turns into a back and forth, and I don't completely put my feelings on the table. I realize this is irrational. It should be a discussion. We are partners, and in this together.

 

Unfortunately, life responsibilities seem to get in the way of me resolving a lot right now.

 

 

Thanks.

[SooSad33]

Hi Cal,

 

Welcome to ENA.....

 

Many suffer in similar ways that you feel at this time.. wondering what LIFE is all about.. feeling overwhelmed, etc.

I know a couple people like you.

 

Yes, I would suggest therapy still.. but yes.. the money issue.. that sucks!

 

As others have mentioned before.. trying to figure out who you are.. and go for things you might enjoy.. like the hockey, a hobby etc.

 

You're right.. you'd hope that your wife would 'try' to understand.. support you etc.. But maybe she's not sure what to say or how to do so?

 

Is your life gone boring, maybe? How about getting out now n then.. Together? Date Nights!

If you two don't do this... consider that to get some enjoyment back... see IF something can improve with this.

 

Just passing up some idea's.

[gebaird]

I don't even know where to start.... I'm trying to start working on myself.

 

You've got the right answer. Any changes you want to make must begin with you, and they can spread from there.

 

Mid-life is tough. Pretty sure I've been through two mid-life crises, and wonder if there are more ahead.

 

There are a few things I've learned on my journey that you might find helpful:

 

1) If I can't find a way to be happy in my current circumstances, I'm unlikely to stay happy for long in different circumstances. I've noticed this with jobs & relationships, which have cycles -- the honeymoon phase, the disillusionment phase, and the disintegration phase. Chasing new jobs or relationships in order to feel that initial burst of excitement again offers short-term joy at a long-term cost.

 

2) Much of what I am is the result of societal conditioning. As a child, I knew who I was and what I wanted. As I grew, I adapted and changed to suit the expectations of others. In mid-life, this inauthentic behavior caught up with me, and I began to question the compromises I'd made along the way. Finding the true self beneath the mask of social acceptability pays enormous emotional dividends.

 

3) It's easy to focus on what I can't do -- the financial and physical limitations that prevent various courses of action. But often, focusing on limits is simply a way of abdicating responsibility -- playing the victim rather than assuming control of my life. There may be a lot standing in my way, but no matter how restricted I find myself there is always something I can do. When I focus on what I can do rather than what I can't do, I begin to see opportunities I couldn't see before.

 

Pain is just a messenger. You could let it defeat you, or you could turn it into power and create a new and better life for yourself.

[calliso5]

Thanks.

 

Is not like money is a primary concern. I do well for my family. It's just if all of us go to counselingn My oldest son, 9, is struggling with severe anxiety; that's quite a hefty bill to shoulder. So, who takes precedence? Right now the kids are priority.

[gebaird]

So, who takes precedence? Right now the kids are priority.

 

I've been there, and you just have to triage as well as you can with the resources at your disposal. When my oldest was in counseling, the therapist met with me and my wife to tell us that my daughter's anxiety issues were simply reflections of the issues we were dealing with.

 

Sometimes the concept of "putting on your own oxygen mask first" makes sense.