coffinqt Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 (New here; I apologize in advance for the long post. I also wasn't quite sure where to put this). A little over a year ago, I fell in love with someone long distance. He was from Northern Ireland but lives in England. We never met, but we were best friends and ended up falling in love just by talking. I never told anyone about him really, because I know most wouldn't understand, and I had to keep it a secret from my family for the same reason, and I feared I'd no longer have privacy from them, which is something I value since they are very mentally and emotionally abusive. His family and some friends knew about me and were very accepting, and his sister suggested that we meet each other soon, even if it was in secret, because we don't want to end up missing each other too much. He and I brushed it off because we thought we'd be fine. Well eventually the distance made his feelings fade away and decided it would be too difficult to pursue me. This was in early October. I initiated No Contact with him for almost a month (probably as long as I should have kept it going) and got back in contact with him in late November. I was casually dating another guy by then, and that made him realize he wasn't as over me as he thought. We then decided that if we were to meet at least once in real life, we could try again. In the meantime as friends, we kinda had to put that aside and pretend like we don't have feelings for one another. Flash forward to now and he doesn't want anything to do with it anymore, and is looking to date other people. He says even if he does have regrets of doing so, he doesn't want to tell me out of fear he'll hurt me again, but he also admits that he has a small chance of being wrong about it all. Still, he insists that this is 100% what he wants right now. So I initiated No Contact again. I blocked him on Facebook (he knows I did, I told him I would), but still have him added on my other social media accounts. I wish we could have just met, I don't want to go my whole life wondering if we were meant to be together or not, and he and I both know that if we did meet, everything would be fine. I know at the base of everything he still has feelings for me, even though he says the distance is what made them fade. This distance took its toll on us in ways neither of us could have predicted. If we could have met earlier, we would have, but he's in debt and trying to move out of his flat, and I'm stuck with being reliant on my family for the time being. He was genuinely heartbroken at the fact that I stopped talking to him again, despite accepting it. I just hope he changes his mind. I want him to be happy, but I don't want him to move on before at least giving us a chance, because real life is different than just messaging and Skyping all the time. I pathetically resorted to begging when we last talked a few days ago, and I just hope I didn't screw up my chances at possibly getting him back. In the meantime, I need advice, and help with No Contact. Thank you.
Wiseman2 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 To be honest it's a blessing in disguise to end a fantasy thing where you never meet the person. Try not to use fantasies and daydreams to escape you abusive home life. How old are you? Can you talk to a teacher or trusted adult about this? Why was he a secret from everyone? That is also a red flag in addition to the distance and never meeting and falling in love with a mirage. Why was he unable to meet up? Was he married? How far away was he? I fell in love with someone long distance. He was from Northern Ireland but lives in England. We never met.I had to keep it a secret from my family for the same reason. he doesn't want anything to do with it anymore, and is looking to date other people. he and I both know that if we did meet, everything would be fine. If we could have met earlier, we would have, but he's in debt and trying to move out of his flat, and I'm stuck with being reliant on my family for the time being
coffinqt Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 To be honest it's a blessing in disguise to end a fantasy thing where you never meet the person. Try not to use fantasies and daydreams to escape you abusive home life. How old are you? Can you talk to a teacher or trusted adult about this? Why was he a secret from everyone? That is also a red flag in addition to the distance and never meeting and falling in love with a mirage. Why was he unable to meet up? Was he married? How far away was he? I'm 21, he's 24. Money is tight for both of us, so that's why we were never able to meet. He is from the UK. I kept him a secret and only told people I could trust purely for the sake of my own safety at home. I do have people I can talk about this to, the best one is my older friend who met her ex husband the same way, internationally and everything, and is currently in an international relationship with her fiancé from the UK. So far she has given me the best help since she knows what this is like.
coffinqt Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 I'm 21, he's 24. Money is tight for both of us, so that's why we were never able to meet. He is from the UK. I kept him a secret and only told people I could trust purely for the sake of my own safety at home. I do have people I can talk about this to, the best one is my older friend who met her ex husband the same way, internationally and everything, and is currently in an international relationship with her fiancé from the UK. So far she has given me the best help since she knows what this is like. Also no, he's not married, and our communication was always awesome. It's not so much as thinking a mirage will solve all my problems, it's a matter of closure to see how we really are in real life, and if a relationship is worth pursuing from there.
holistic17 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 Sorry to hear this is happening. Long distance is definitely a challenge for most. My thoughts are that he obviously has feelings for you, however he's come to the conclusion that for distance and likely financial reasons, it's not feasible right now. Especially if he's in debt. It unfortunately wouldn't be a priority. That doesn't mean that it may never happen. It just isn't what you expected to happen for now. I think you just need to focus on your own life now. He's doing the same with his. Don't chase him for his attention as he will just pull away more. You'll only make him think you're needy and that's very off putting. He definitely won't ever want to meet you. I'd focus on looking to date people who you can meet face to face. Even if you met him, he might not have even lived up to your ideal fantasy of what you think he's like! Then you would be very disappointed. I do believe in fate. If you both are supposed to meet then it will come together in good time. You cannot force it when he doesn't want it. Keep your options open.
Wiseman2 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 How far away is he? This may not be the best person to talk to since she's also caught up in this. It seems this older friend sadly got you wrapped up in this mess. Is this a bride site? Are you looking for a western husband/visa? Talk to an adult about the abuse at home. Do you work/go to school? He is from the UK. my older friend who is currently in an international relationship with her fiancé from the UK.
coffinqt Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 How far away is he? This may not be the best person to talk to since she's also caught up in this. It seems this older friend sadly got you wrapped up in this mess. Is this a bride site? Are you looking for a western husband/visa? Talk to an adult about the abuse at home. Do you work/go to school? She didn't get me wrapped up in anything, I turned to her for help just yesterday because she knows how to maintain an international long distance relationship effectively. No, he and I met on Facebook because we are part of the same music scene. Me and my friend are both from the US. I'm not looking for someone to rescue me from my home life, I simply fell in love with someone from another country, he broke up with me, but I'm hoping it'll work itself out still. I go to work and school. I'll have a Bachelor's degree soon. Trust me, I have spoken to other adults about my parents. There's nothing that can be done.
Wiseman2 Posted March 7, 2017 Posted March 7, 2017 In order to heal can you get more involved in college by joining groups, clubs, the local music scene, sports or other campus activities etc? Talk to a campus counselor about your parents as well as getting wrapped up in cyber relationships vs in person relationships. What about student housing or getting roommates to help extricate yourself from and abusive home swell as dating locally and not getting caught up in escapism. Distance yourself from this friend and get on some dating apps and start dating locally.she knows how to maintain an international long distance relationship effectively. I go to work and school. I'll have a Bachelor's degree soon.
coffinqt Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 In order to heal can you get more involved in college by joining groups, clubs, the local music scene, sports or other campus activities etc? Talk to a campus counselor about your parents as well as getting wrapped up in cyber relationships vs in person relationships. What about student housing or getting roommates to help extricate yourself from and abusive home swell as dating locally and not getting caught up in escapism. Distance yourself from this friend and get on some dating apps and start dating locally. Okay thanks.
coffinqt Posted March 7, 2017 Author Posted March 7, 2017 Sorry to hear this is happening. Long distance is definitely a challenge for most. My thoughts are that he obviously has feelings for you, however he's come to the conclusion that for distance and likely financial reasons, it's not feasible right now. Especially if he's in debt. It unfortunately wouldn't be a priority. That doesn't mean that it may never happen. It just isn't what you expected to happen for now. I think you just need to focus on your own life now. He's doing the same with his. Don't chase him for his attention as he will just pull away more. You'll only make him think you're needy and that's very off putting. He definitely won't ever want to meet you. I'd focus on looking to date people who you can meet face to face. Even if you met him, he might not have even lived up to your ideal fantasy of what you think he's like! Then you would be very disappointed. I do believe in fate. If you both are supposed to meet then it will come together in good time. You cannot force it when he doesn't want it. Keep your options open. Thank you for your constructive reply. I made the mistake of getting needy, which is one of the reasons why I'm initiating NC. We need a break from each other, and I need to learn to be okay with whatever happens. Still, I hope he comes around.
KMO7970 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 NC can be very hard to do, but as someone who has had success multiple times with NC (and by success I mean being able to heal from breakups) I assure you that it is worth it to back off for a while, maybe even a long while. And yes, as others have said, keep busy with people and activities that are local. It is easy for us to get wrapped up in our digital lives, and digital should never take the place of real life. Good luck, hon. This is tough stuff but you can do it and you WILL feel better with time.
ON3x Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I am in my 5th day of NC with my ex gf who lives 3000 miles away. I have done everything except move on and stay quiet to reconcile our past relationship. Feel free to message me on this site or however you wish, I have resources a mile long validating NC versus holding on to hope.
coffinqt Posted April 5, 2017 Author Posted April 5, 2017 Thank you all so much. I'm sorry if I came off as rude at all, just the hurt at the time was too much for me to bear. I made it to 27 days of NC with him and intend on resetting sometime soon. That hope will always be at the back of my mind, but I'm not going to dwell on it. I can accept our situation now. I'm not going to purposefully and actively hope he'll change his mind, if that makes sense. Whatever happens will happen. In the meantime I have some self-love to tend to, and that's the best thing I can do for myself.
Lonely Loner Posted May 7, 2017 Posted May 7, 2017 Thank you all so much. I'm sorry if I came off as rude at all, just the hurt at the time was too much for me to bear. I made it to 27 days of NC with him and intend on resetting sometime soon. That hope will always be at the back of my mind, but I'm not going to dwell on it. I can accept our situation now. I'm not going to purposefully and actively hope he'll change his mind, if that makes sense. Whatever happens will happen. In the meantime I have some self-love to tend to, and that's the best thing I can do for myself. Hey there i was just curious and wanted to know if it worked? I can relate to you, ldr never met in person..ect, just wondering if it worked or did he move on? Im 26 days into no contact and basically, she moved on. The distance was a issue and she is seeing somebody else.. Soo just wondering if there's any hope? We loved each other but she fell out of love with me, mainly because of distance. I didn't have any money to see her, And she thought i wasnt gonna do anything with my life and it turned her off. I need to know if there's a chance or should i just move on for good and try dating locally? Although that means being alone for the rest of my life
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