I have no idea what to do

[Charlie100]

Hello, this is something so unlike me but I feel trapped and confused. I have split up with my first girlfriend of 3 years around 4 months ago. We got on very well and we and both loved each other so much, we just argued about stupid and sometimes it would get too much for the both of us. We also lived quite a fair distance apart so we would only really see each other on the weekend unless either she or I would go out. This was one of the issues I struggled with, we barely had any time with each other and our life's became purely texting each other. A lot of things can get confused when you are reading text and we'd often argue over mixed wires.

 

She suffers from depression which at times really effected our relationship, I did my best to cope with her and keep her happy but sometimes I would just loose my temper. This obviously didn't help either and I admit that is my draw back, the way we shouted at each other something she could never forget. I on the other hand am very laid back and never hold grudges and would always try to make it up to her. We split up around August 2016 but after a few weeks she contacted me and asked that we give it another try. I agreed, the first 2 weeks where great we got on so well it was like it was all fresh again however she'd never say that we where actually a couple again.

 

The arguments slowly started up again and my confusion settled in, I was unsure what was happening in our relationship confused as to if we where really back together or not. Due to her depression I just played along as I knew her mind works in a complete different way, she deals with things unlike any other person I know. Obviously eventually it got too much for me and I asked what was happening with us, I told her I can't cope any more and ended it without any real thought. She said "If this is it then it has to be it" and blocked me on every form of communication, phone, whatsapp, Facebook everything! Again its her way of dealing with it and I totally get that.

 

We both agreed to never contact one another again as it would be too hard for a third break-up. At first I was actually feeling fine... I was going out with my friends a lot more and just really enjoying myself. Then 4 months later I'm on a 'Getting back together' thread asking for help from random strangers, not that there is anything wrong with this its just this is so unlike me but my feelings for her have drove me here. 4 months it took me to feel something, I mean i was upset in those 4 months just nothing like I do now. It just hit me, its like 4 months of pain built up at once.I have been dreaming about her every night hardly sleeping, not wanting to talk to anyone, I've read all our old messages as its the only thing that makes me feel like we're together again, remembering all the moments, holidays and good times we've had. In a way I wish our break-up wasn't so civil, I wish she cheated on me so I could hate her but we both knew it was coming and we casually agreed to end it.

 

This is the part I can not figure out, I don't want to bring up all the heartache for her again by messaging her. And I don't think I could handle her rejecting me, the option i have come up with is to ask her best friend how my now ex is feeling and if it was a good idea to get in contact with her again.

 

If you have to this far I really appreciate it, sorry if I've bored you with my problems I have just never ever felt like this before. I need to get this off my chest and in some way, even if no one reads this its helped a tiny bit. In a way I'd love for her to come across this and realise its me. I miss her so much.

 

Thanks for reading.

[SooSad33]

I feel.. this is probably stemming from the effects of you now feeling the 'loss'.... it's normal.

 

BUT.. in reality.. do YOU really feel it's right?

 

Think.. about your past. Think over the relationship. Do you actually think this would work? Or.. are you now just kinda missing her.. but it'll pass??

 

You two had issue's. If she's got depression, it doesn't go away in a week. if was affecting your relationship.. right?

Missing someone is one thing.. but in REALITY, is it right? ( To want to go there again).

 

You already gave a second try... but it wasn't the same.. was it?

Most often 2nd attempts don't work--- for reasons. Nothing has changed and feelings are lessened, etc.

 

I suggest you consider some prof help if you feel too badly about your life.

And writing helps as well.... get it out.. in words.. on paper... You NEED to try and work things out.. internally.

 

How about walks.. or goto the gym? Join a sport.. hobby.. etc.

 

 

One day at a time.. but continue to work on YOU. No contact is best.. or that can really end up pulling you back down again.

Keep going...

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. You did the right thing ending it. It just wasn't working the first time and that was even clearer when you tried again. A third time won't be a charm in this case.

 

Try not to let loneliness or nostalgia guide you. Use logic and remember how it never really worked the first or second time. Go forward, not back. You already know that bumpy road. Think of this feeling as meaning that you may be ready to get back into dating.

The arguments slowly started up again and my confusion settled in, I told her I can't cope any more and ended it without any real thought. She said "If this is it then it has to be it" and blocked me on every form of communication, phone, whatsapp, Facebook everything! I don't want to bring up all the heartache for her again by messaging her

[holistic17]

Hi. I'm sorry to hear it's hit you at this point. This is completely normal. You're still mourning the loss of what you had. This will take time.

Your main query of whether to reach our to her? Please don't do it. I say this because I made that mistake. My breakup was very similar in many aspects to yours. My ex would go deep into episodes of depression (not formally diagnosed but I am a health therapist by job and I saw the patterns). I got so frustrated when he couldn't see how happy life can be. But nothing would change his views. We ended as amicable as possible. But then I broke the no contact rule and politely texted him. He was so blunt and short with me that my heart broke all over again and undid all the hard healing work I had achieved. All from that one text. You won't get comfort or more closure from it.

Also, you tried severAl times to help her. You're also only focusing on the good times and ignoring the arguments, frustration and differences - of which there was obviously more of as it broke you both up. If it helps to weigh it up, do a pro and con list of her qualities. That way it's physically in front of you and you'll see how wrong she is for you. Do you really think you could have a long term relationship with her when she thinks so differently to not only you but everyone else you know? It would be Damn hard work!

Maintain your no contact and keep healing.

[Charlie100]

I would like too thank you all for you replies! You've pretty much just covered what I already knew but I think I needed to hear it. This is one of the hardest things I've ever been through which is why I wanted to get back in contact with her. I didnt want a big WHAT IF following me around for a while. I wish I met her a few years from now, maybe then we'd be in similar places. As for her depression I've always felt bad that something she can't help becomes a factor that swayed me to leave her. I don't think that was fair although I tried my hardest I was still sometimes mad at her but I knew full well she couldn't help it. It would lead me to say horrible things to her that probably in turn made our relationship crash. I blame me for a lot of things as well as i blame her and realised only recently that I probably could have tried harder in the second chance. It was almost as if I gave up. I hope this feeling passes I cant bare feeling like this, im normally so happy. I have a new job something I've been working towards for a long time but I'm finding it hard to enjoy it because my mind is somewhere else. I'm only 24 I know I have way more ahead of me but I fear I could be making a huge mistake. I'm going to try and take the advice you've all gave me and try to move on I'm just scared I'll message her in the future and potentially rekindle everything I've moved on from. I just feel like things could change and I have a lot of friends that have kids and a house and are very happy dispite the fact they have broken up once or twice.

[Charlie100]

I would like too thank you all for you replies! You've pretty much just covered what I already knew but I think I needed to hear it. This is one of the hardest things I've ever been through which is why I wanted to get back in contact with her. I didnt want a big WHAT IF following me around for a while. I wish I met her a few years from now, maybe then we'd be in similar places. As for her depression I've always felt bad that something she can't help becomes a factor that swayed me to leave her. I don't think that was fair although I tried my hardest I was still sometimes a to her. I would lead me to say horrible things to her that probably in turn made our relationship crash. I blame me for a lot of things as well as i blame her and realised only recently that I probably could have tried harder in the second chance. It was almost as if I gave up. I hope this feeling passes I cant bare feeling like this, im normally so happy. I have a new job something I've been working towards for a long time but I'm finding it hard to enjoy it because my mind is somewhere else. I'm only 24 I know I have way more ahead of me but I fear I could be making a huge mistake. I'm going to try and take the advice you've all gave me and try to move on I'm just scared I'll message her in the future and potentially rekindle everything I've moved on from.

 

 

Thank you all so much.