Im mean

[hanowar]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months.

 

It's serious and the relationship is good, but sometimes I get really dramatic and have meltdowns. I say mean things like "you don't sexually satisfy me" two weeks ago I told him that he was childish in that he moved directly from his parents house into mine. He's still upset about that, it hit him hard.

 

Things are still ok, but I don't know how to stop. Maybe I'm just a mean person?

 

It usually happens when I ask to be left alone and he won't leave me alone. I get really moody. I usually say these things to push him away. Sometimes it feels like I want to break him or break what we have and I don't know why.

 

I know this all sounds insufferably stupid, but I do need some help here. This is my first time I'm in a comfortable happy relationship and o really want to work on myself to keep it that way. We can't survive more drama.

 

Thanks

Han

[Betterwithout]

Without too much background on you or your situation, my first instinct is that your relationship is great, he seems patient and willing to stay in the relationship.

The obvious answer here is that you need to work on yourself. You may have found yourself with some bottled up resentment and/or anger.

You have to find true happiness in your own skin and that includes loving yourself.

Look deep into what makes you truly happy and content as an individual. Then, and only then will you have a satisfying relationship with him.

[Billie28]

You are only together 8 months and have moved in together during the honeymoon phase. First mistake.

Far too soon. It's a pretend committment based on the infatuation stage of your relationship only. Whose idea was that?

 

How can you possibly determine that the relationship is serious? It's still early days and you are discovering already poor communication between you.

 

It sounds like you are too immature to be living with anyone at this point in time. Can he move back to his parents?

How old are you both?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you can't keep beating him up. Why did you have him move into your place after dating only a few months then act abusive 'to push him away"? Ask him to move out if he annoys you this much.

I say mean things like "you don't sexually satisfy me" two weeks ago I told him that he was childish in that he moved directly from his parents house into mine. I usually say these things to push him away.

[hanowar]

Im 26 he's 29. This all may be true. I did ask him to move out, he didn't want to. We've been trying to make it work.

 

I agree with the fact that I'm acting abusively. Tell me how I mellow out.

[hanowar]

He can't move back in with his parents, they live in a different town. He came here and we met. Both of our living situations we're bad so we moved in together. It was supposed to be temporary. No it's not. BTW we also have two dogs lol

[Wiseman2]

So what he can move back where he came from? What was bad about your living situation? Why do you need him there? Money?

He can't move back in with his parents, they live in a different town. Both of our living situations were bad so we moved in together. It was supposed to be temporary.

[Betterwithout]

I agree with the fact that I'm acting abusively. Tell me how I mellow out.

 

See my first comment. No relationship will work until both people are secure, happy and content with themselves first.

[hanowar]

So what he can move back where he came from? What was bad about your living situation? Why do you need him there? Money?

 

His home is 1000 miles away. We are comfortable, we have two dogs together, and like this house. He could move in somewhere else but we do enjoy each others company and he doesn't seem keen on moving. So we're trying to make due.

[DancingFool]

What I'm hearing is that you might be a bit of an introvert in the sense that you need to have some alone time on a regular basis. Lots of people are like that. Nothing wrong with that. However, your bf will not give you any space, so the stress from that and resentment start to build up inside you until you explode and start with the abusive sniping at him. That part is unhealthy.

 

So what you do is take a look at your life and your schedule and figure out how you can have some of that badly needed me time on a regular basis. Also, very important, that you sit down and talk to your boyfriend about it. Not in the "leave me alone" tone, but explain to him that you need that me time to be sane and functional. It's a part of who you are as a person and important to you. Ask him to help you figure out how you two can incorporate that into your living situation, be it daily or weekly or whatever.

Like maybe he picks a night to go out with his friends or hit the gym or whatever so you get to be by yourself. Both of you can work as a team to find some solutions.

 

However, if you try the above and he refuses to listen or work with you, then you will have to consider the fact that despite all the good parts that he brings to the table, ultimately you are not compatible on some very important aspects of the relationship and it is driving you literally nuts and making you act in ways that you don't like. It's also about respect for each other. If he cannot respect your needs, he is not that great of a guy anyway and this lack of respect is just the tip of the iceberg.

[hanowar]

What I'm hearing is that you might be a bit of an introvert in the sense that you need to have some alone time on a regular basis. Lots of people are like that. Nothing wrong with that. However, your bf will not give you any space, so the stress from that and resentment start to build up inside you until you explode and start with the abusive sniping at him. That part is unhealthy.

 

So what you do is take a look at your life and your schedule and figure out how you can have some of that badly needed me time on a regular basis. Also, very important, that you sit down and talk to your boyfriend about it. Not in the "leave me alone" tone, but explain to him that you need that me time to be sane and functional. It's a part of who you are as a person and important to you. Ask him to help you figure out how you two can incorporate that into your living situation, be it daily or weekly or whatever.

Like maybe he picks a night to go out with his friends or hit the gym or whatever so you get to be by yourself. Both of you can work as a team to find some solutions.

 

However, if you try the above and he refuses to listen or work with you, then you will have to consider the fact that despite all the good parts that he brings to the table, ultimately you are not compatible on some very important aspects of the relationship and it is driving you literally nuts and making you act in ways that you don't like. It's also about respect for each other. If he cannot respect your needs, he is not that great of a guy anyway and this lack of respect is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

You're right.

[Wiseman2]

Is he comfortable being verbally abused or are you comfortable having someone to share living expenses and play house with?

 

What's his reaction to your verbal abuse? Does he withdraw? Fight back? Or is he too afraid to move, so puts up with it? Do you support him?

We are comfortable.He could move in somewhere else but we do enjoy each others company and he doesn't seem keen on moving.

[hanowar]

Is he comfortable being verbally abused or are you comfortable having someone to share living expenses and play house with?

 

What's his reaction to your verbal abuse? Does he withdraw? Fight back? Or is he too afraid to move, so puts up with it? Do you support him?

 

I bought the house, he lives here for free. He fights back, apologizes for the content of what I'm saying, even though I'm saying it in the wrong way. With the moving in with me comment from your parents he just flipped out and said it was not an ok thing to say.

 

With the sex stuff he listens. He doesn't last very long. He tries to improve.

 

Am I a terrible person?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you have a thing for peter pan men and mommying them.

I bought the house, he lives here for free.

[DancingFool]

If you were truly a terrible person, you wouldn't be here questioning yourself, your behavior and seeking better solutions.

 

Anyway, why is he living for free? Does he work? What does he contribute to the household? No wonder he doesn't want to move out....lol....who would when they are living rent free.

 

If he moved out from mom and dad and straight into your home where he is living for free, yeah he is living like a child. Truth hurts. Of course, I'm not condoning you saying it to him like that. You shouldn't have. It does seem more and more that you have a lot of built up resentments about him that are boiling over and coming out in these kinds of sniping comments. The solution is that you actually address the real problems you are having with him instead of passive aggressive sniping.

 

If you want him to pay half the bills, you need to open mouth and request he does it. He doesn't want to? He can move out and you need to make it happen. The more you avoid getting what you need from him while lying to yourself that gee everything is just great, the more bitter and angry you are going to get about everything. Openly address the actual issues you have with him and again, if he doesn't care to adjust or make changes, you will need to reconsider continuing with this relationship.

 

I don't think you are mean, I think you have so much built up steam about various issues with him, that you are becoming someone you don't like being and it's very obviously bothering you. You have to learn how to communicate your needs BEFORE you are boiling over with resentment and how to do it firmly and directly so that you are taken seriously.

[Gary Snyder]

It sounds like you two need some healthy space. Relationships take work, it's good to lessen the workload. Do you both work? Either of you needs to get busier outside the home, get a man-cave, something.

[lostandhurt]

Being verbally abused by the person that says they love you is a terrible existence. I hope you can get help and learn to treat the people around you and especially your bf with love and respect even when there is a problem or dispute.

 

Conflict resolution is not something you seem to have any skills in. Your only move when things aren't going your way is to go for the throat.

 

This isn't the living arrangements, him bugging you or anything else. This is your reaction to not getting your way.

 

I feel sorry for the guy.

 

Lost

[Wiseman2]

Agree. The rent free deal is an inducement for him to be her whipping boy. Many immature, inexperienced men don't even think they are being abused. She picked an easy target/victim, not a bf.

I feel sorry for the guy.

 

]

[j.man]

Gotta say I agree with the folks pointing out the fact the verbal abuse and financial control go hand in hand.

 

That's not saying I have an incredible amount of sympathy for this guy, just as I don't for many women who find themselves in this situation. Many people in his and others' shoes aren't merely helpless to residing rent-free with a verbal abuser. It can very much be just as much a weighing of pros and cons as any other aspect of life. A lot of people would put up with some **** for the sake of saving a penny.

 

However, at the end of the day, you are responsible for your actions and subsequent "meanness." The fact you haven't remedied the situation by formally requiring he move out shows that you do in fact prioritize keeping him around and degrading him, which is unfortunately evidence of an inherent tendency to abuse. Issue an eviction notice and consider anger management so that this behavior doesn't manifest itself in a future relationship that actually would in fact be otherwise healthy.

[hanowar]

Gotta say I agree with the folks pointing out the fact the verbal abuse and financial control go hand in hand.

 

That's not saying I have an incredible amount of sympathy for this guy, just as I don't for many women who find themselves in this situation. Many people in his and others' shoes aren't merely helpless to residing rent-free with a verbal abuser. It can very much be just as much a weighing of pros and cons as any other aspect of life. A lot of people would put up with some **** for the sake of saving a penny.

 

However, at the end of the day, you are responsible for your actions and subsequent "meanness." The fact you haven't remedied the situation by formally requiring he move out shows that you do in fact prioritize keeping him around and degrading him, which is unfortunately evidence of an inherent tendency to abuse. Issue an eviction notice and consider anger management so that this behavior doesn't manifest itself in a future relationship that actually would in fact be otherwise healthy.

 

That sounds a bit extreme.

[hanowar]

That sounds a bit extreme.

 

Also I think you're wrong. See I've asked him many times to move out. We later resolve our issues and feel fine. I don't think I'm enjoying "abusing him". I think I keep a lot bottled up and it explodes out of me/i don't know how to handle it. I think I have poor conflict resolution skills and he's never lived with anyone before.

 

Not saying what I'm doing is ok- it's not.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, this doesn't sound like you resolved anything.

two weeks ago I told him that he was childish in that he moved directly from his parents house into mine.

[hanowar]

Here's my question

1. Is what I've done so bad that I should ask him to move out, simply to spare him?

2. Is it ok if I actively work on this while he's here or would this be unfair to him

3. Regardless of staying with him or not how should I go about fixing this problem? I'm planning on therapy and yoga, but more suggestions would be helpful. Especially types of therapy I should look into, if anyone knows of any group therapy chapters that might be in my area etc. I don't know what words I should be looking for "anger management" etc

[hanowar]

You see, my last relationship was quite abusive, but I was on the other end of it. My mom was totally verbally abusive my whole life. So I think part of the problem is that

-that's sometimes a reaction because it's how I've been treated

- It's one of the only ways I've seen conflict handled

-it doesn't seem that bad or irregular to me because I'm so used to it (terrible I know)

 

I think I definitely need to look into developing positive conflict resolution skills.

[hanowar]

Unfortunately, this doesn't sound like you resolved anything.

 

Obviously, I'm just saying it feels resolved to the point where we bench the subject, then things are fine for a while, then it happens again. Moving out is a big deal- it would have repercussions on the way our friends and family would talk about it, it's a big financial strain, all of this stuff. I don't really care about all that- because I want to do what's healthy. I don't want him to put up with more than he usually would just to have a free place to sleep. So I'm not sure if I should make the decision for him.