Girlfriend of 3 years ended relationship 2 months ago - No change in feelings

[Brinstar]

I'll start off by saying I'm not sure if this thread belongs in this category or if it would be better suited under "Getting back together" so feel free to move it around if needed.

 

As the title states, my girlfriend of 3 years left me in early January and I have no clue what to do next. It is a LONG story but I'll try to keep it brief.

 

We met in high school and talked every now and then. At that point, I was not attracted to her and we quickly lost touch of each other when we graduated. Fast forward 5 years (spring 2013) and we reconnected in university through a mutual friend. I became interested in her and she knew it; we hung out as friends for a few months even though I wanted more but I left town for the summer and barely kept in touch after that. I was happy and didn't think of her often. In fact, I even dated another girl that summer.

 

That autumn, she messaged me out of the blue one day asking if I'd like to go for a drink. I agreed and had no intentions in mind, just friends hanging out like we used to. Things quickly lead to another: we went on a few more dates and a couple of months later we were officially together. She told me she loved me and asked if I wanted to be her boyfriend. We were both 23 at the time and that was the first serious relationship either of us had ever been involved in.

 

The next 2 and a half years were nothing short of a fairytale. We went on a few trips together, our families got along extremely well, moved in together after 6 months, we always missed each other, told we loved each other daily, had sex frequently, barely ever fought and eventually bought a car and an apartment in October 2015. I was convinced I would finish my days with her as we both deeply loved each other and you could feel it.

 

Last spring, around May or June, we got into a few minor arguments over silly things like but nothing major. At least I thought. I was extremely busy and stressed out at work and I just attributed my change in attitude to that. I was mean to her on a few occasions but quickly apologizes and to this day, still feel terrible for some of the things I did or said.

 

I was leaving for 2 months for work out of the country starting in July and thought the break would help both of us get a grasp of fresh air and rekindle our romance. A few days before I left, we gave each other permission to sleep with other people during my absence, as we have always been very open about our physical needs and that wasn't the idea we floated the idea. So I leave on July 11 for 2 months.

 

I go through the 2 months working my butt off in Brazil and finding myself eager to go back home to be with the woman that I love. Two days after I come back, she tells me that she did sleep with another guy, once, that it was a foolish thing and that they had both been drinking. I don't make much of it, but then she proceeds to tell me one of the reasons she did it is because she isn't sure about us, that she loves me differently now and is questioning our relationship. I start panicking.

 

For 3 months, I do EVERYTHING for her. I spend my days trying to think of things I could do to make her happy: gift, activities, surprises, cleaning, cooking, driving, everything. I immediately started seeing a psychologist once a week in the hopes it would show her how serious I am about our relationship and tell my therapist I'd like to work on stress management to avoid treating my girlfriend like I did before I left.

 

Throughout those 3 months, there are days that I feel her feelings are coming back for me while some other days, she is very distant and everything that I do seems to annoy her. I start noticing secret texting habits that she did not have before and it made me nervous so - I'm ashamed admitting this - I start snooping around on her phone and computer. I find many messages with a colleague of hers that I know. When I confronted her about it, she was angry that I looked through her stuff but admitted she fell in love with her colleague this summer while I was away but that her feelings for him are fading.

 

We chat every week on Tuesday nights when I come back from therapy and through our chats, I learn that she has always had her doubts about our relationship, that she is asking herself some serious questions about life in general

 

I go along with it but this makes me even more insecure and clingy so I put even more efforts into trying to salvage my relationship. Early December, I can't take her fake smiles and shifting moods anymore so we sit down to talk and she says she wrote me a letter that same week. Basically, the letter says that I am everything she should want, but that is not what she wants. She was happy to see her boyfriend again when I came back and she really wanted it to work, but it just doesn't. She says she doesn't know what is broken inside of her, but that she needs space to herself, without me. At the same time, her letter says she wants me to stay in her life forever because I am such a good person and she loves me.

 

We agree to take a 3 week break where I go live at a friend's place. We meet up again 3 weeks later, right before Christmas, and that is where she tells me she no longer loves me and that she wants us to be friends but nothing more. When I tell her that I don't know if that is possible, she starts crying like I have never seen someone cry. I try bargaining with her a little and we agree to still be exclusive and go on dates, even though she seems me as a friend while to me, she is my soulmate. We see each other a couple of times during the Holidays, we kiss every now and then but early January, I sense things are at breaking point.

 

We meet on January 5 and she tells me she is not comfortable on our situation and has decided to break up. I understand and the only thing that I ask is that we sell the apartment that we bought the previous year; it would be too hard for me to know she lives there. She agrees and we barely talk for 2 weeks. We see each other again one night to talk about the apartment and we're both crying. At one point, she tells me that she did cheat on me with her colleague with whom she fell in love last summer. And that when she did it, she felt "like I felt during our beginnings". For some reason, I still can't get mad. I help our clean the apartment before we put it up for sale and tell her I'd like to sleep with her at least one more time. She says she will give me a raincheck, that it won't happen right now She even admits the last few times we did make love, she went to the bathroom once we were done to cry.

 

Ever since then it has been very weird.. we have seen each other 3-4 times: sometimes just as friends trying to have a good time (while she knows I'm still madly in love with her) and at other times just to talk "business" about the sale of the apartment. We have not kissed since because she admitted last time we did it saddened her as she did not feel as she did before. I think we're both desperately trying not to hurt the other person more than we already have (although unwillingly) and I know every time she sees me it hurts her too because she sees how much pain she is causing me while it seems she has already move on. She even told me that in her mind, she grieved our relationship before I left for the summer and is already on to something else.

 

We message every now and then sometimes to talk about the apartment, sometimes for fun. I offer her the car while I am away and sometimes she uses it. Sometimes she seems friendly while at others she is cold and distant.

 

The last thing you need to know is the last time I saw her I ended up spending the night at the apartment. We did not have sex or anything but we did cuddle. She said she had to cuddle me (and not vice versa) because right now she cannot accept any affection from me, that I can't be the one comforting her. She told me that she had been on a date the previous night... with another girl. I know she had always been curious in that regard and I think learning that helps me understand that there is nothing I could have done to prevent her from leaving me if what she truly wants right now is to date other women and see how that feels.

 

So my question is: what to do? I am sick and tired of waking up and feeling nauseated, imagining her having sex with other people, start crying whenever I think of all the good memories that we have together and everything that we are losing right now.

 

I want to feel better. At the same time, I feel some of you will suggest going NC but if I'm being honest with myself, it would only be for her to realize what life really is without me in it and make her miss her and want to give this relationship a true second chance, which I feel we never truly had when I came back after the summer since the cards were never all out on the table.

 

Thanks in advance for all your help,

Nick

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but when you open a relationship or break up to sleep with others you take the risk that they will find someone and move on or question any commitment to the relationship.

 

Not sure why you tried to hookup with her while moving out. "tell her I'd like to sleep with her at least one more time. She says she will give me a raincheck, that it won't happen right now"

 

Try to focus on the sale of the apt. being in the friendzone or trying for hookups isn't helping you heal or move on.

moved in together after 6 months. we gave each other permission to sleep with other people during my absence, as we have always been very open about our physical needs and that wasn't the idea we floated the idea. I learn that she has always had her doubts about our relationship. I go live at a friend's place. she tells me she no longer loves me and that she wants us to be friends but nothing more.

[SooSad33]

A few days before I left, we gave each other permission to sleep with other people during my absence

- Umm... No. If your 'relationship' was real & true, you two would not have let this occur.

 

You'd both WAIT for each other. This always makes problems.

 

For 3 months, I do EVERYTHING for her. I spend my days trying to think of things I could do to make her happy: gift, activities, surprises, cleaning, cooking, driving, everything

- You can't 'buy' someone's love.. no matter what....

Sadly, she had admitted her true feelings when you returned- her feelings had changed.

 

I'd like to sleep with her at least one more time

- Not a good idea... never helps things

 

What do do? You NEED to stop all interactions- for your own good! Your own mentallity.

In order to work on accepting and healing from this.. ongoing torture.

 

Don't let her use you to get over you anymore.

 

Things are done between you two.. she's moved on long ago.. so sorry Iknow.. it stings!

 

You've got anxiety issue's. I suggest you consider speaking to your Doctor about something for this.

 

Honestly. I don't feel things will ever be the same .. or what you want out of this.. so you're in denial.

 

Like I said.. you need time away from her fully. No contact.. no cuddling.. nothing. In order to work on accepting reality.

[Brinstar]

Sorry to hear this but when you open a relationship or break up to sleep with others you take the risk that they will find someone and move on or question any commitment to the relationship.

 

Not sure why you tried to hookup with her while moving out. "tell her I'd like to sleep with her at least one more time. She says she will give me a raincheck, that it won't happen right now"

 

Try to focus on the sale of the apt. being in the friendzone or trying for hookups isn't helping you heal or move on.

 

Thanks, Wiseman. She actually messaged me last night asking if I wanted to hang out tonight. I have not replied yet but I think I'll tell her I already have plans, which is somewhat true. I also have yet to tell her I want us to stop contacting each other because right now, it is impossible to go full NC since we have the apartment to sell.

 

Do you think her feelings for me could ever come back? I would be lying if I did not tell you I still hope she realizes one day or the other that she made a huge mistake and wants to give this a real second chance. At the same time, I don't want to be her backup plan and wait around forever because I recognize she may never come back to me...

 

Thoughts?

[Brinstar]

A few days before I left, we gave each other permission to sleep with other people during my absence

- Umm... No. If your 'relationship' was real & true, you two would not have let this occur.

 

You'd both WAIT for each other. This always makes problems.

 

Fully agreed there, I regret accepting to this so much. I still think to this day if we had addressed our issues back then things could have been different. I did not sleep with anyone else even though I had many chances to because I was always happy in my relationship with her... but I guess that doesn't matter now.

 

For 3 months, I do EVERYTHING for her. I spend my days trying to think of things I could do to make her happy: gift, activities, surprises, cleaning, cooking, driving, everything

- You can't 'buy' someone's love.. no matter what....

Sadly, she had admitted her true feelings when you returned- her feelings had changed.

 

I think I fell into the old "trying harder only pushes her farther away" pattern. Knowing how her feelings had changed, I think I am starting to realize there is nothing I could have done that would have made her stick around. She also told me that she is very confused right now and went on date last week... with another woman.

 

I'd like to sleep with her at least one more time

- Not a good idea... never helps things

 

She told me that the last few times we did sleep together, she cried afterwards (and I was never aware of that). I sometimes simply think if we do it one last time in "good terms" it could override those few bad memories that she has. I wouldn't want her to leave the relationship with a bad taste in her mouth regarding our intimate moments because for the vast majority of 3 years, they were great!

 

What do do? You NEED to stop all interactions- for your own good! Your own mentallity.

In order to work on accepting and healing from this.. ongoing torture.

 

Don't let her use you to get over you anymore.

 

Things are done between you two.. she's moved on long ago.. so sorry Iknow.. it stings!

 

You've got anxiety issue's. I suggest you consider speaking to your Doctor about something for this.

 

Honestly. I don't feel things will ever be the same .. or what you want out of this.. so you're in denial.

 

Like I said.. you need time away from her fully. No contact.. no cuddling.. nothing. In order to work on accepting reality.

 

Thanks so much for the reply, SooSad. I cannot stop all interactions with her right now because of the apartment. She actually messaged me a few hours ago to let me know we have our first visit tonight so that's good. But she also asked if I wanted to hang out to which I have not replied.

 

Can you elaborate on the anxiety issues? I've never had anyone tell me that before so I'd be curious to see what you mean.

 

My last question to you will be the same as the one I asked Wiseman: in your honest opinion, is there a chance her feelings come back? She has been consistent ever since we broke up that she is going ahead with this, selling the apartment and wants to date other people - while also telling me she doubts her feelings will ever come back but she keeps hanging on for some reason. She wants to hang out, tells me she wants to see me but then turns around and tells me she feels lonely but doesn't feel the need to see me every week. That she doesn't mind doing it but that it would be me.

 

She did tell me she sees me as a friend but we were friends before becoming lovers so could it actually happen again?