Conflict with Dad and between Dad and my wife

[Hopeful1984]

Hello, I would like some really good advice here, so sorry for the long post. Growing up I had a very loving but overprotective mother who hardly ever fought with my loving but short tempered and anxious dad who is easily offended and does not realise that he has a sharp tongue. Growing utp I had some conflict with my Dad who was overcritical and on one or two occasions beat me in anger with a belt. In fact I was spared the worst of the hidings which were fortunately not frequent and in most cases involved about 6 or ten hard shots with the belt. When I was 3 years old I watched my older brother get a much worse hiding that left his legs bruised and red for a few days. The rest of my upbringing was more or less happy, except my Dad and I used to argue over silly things like politics where I and my dad always said the opposite to annoy each other. These fights always ended in n my Dad yelling at me to "shut up" followed sometimes with a threat to give me a hiding with a belt. In terms of political views (we lived in South Africa) my Dad always defended Apartheid or took the side of Russia or Germany if we talked about WW2. These were not his genuine views (I know because with other right wing family members he always was very anti-apartheid and equally yelled at them). When I was 26 I met my wife who is a kind and loving lady who suffers from mild depression and anxiety mainly from having grown up in an institution and not having had a real family. My whole family always backs down from my Dad but unfortunately my Dad picks on my wife over mainly stupid stuff and my wife won't take it. For example, we live overseas now and brought our 11 month son to visit. My wife ordered an expensive cake for our son and invited my family for a party to celebrate our son's first birthday with my mom and dad. The whole visit went OK and my wife and I bit our lips when my Dad made lots of offensive comments, for example, he commented on the price of the cake and said it's not for the baby, it's for the parents and that my wife made our son the "underdog" in relation to the fuss she made about the beautiful handmade cake with our son's name on it. Other stuff has been more serious, mainly if we stay for too long. Some years ago before we had children my wife dropped one of her anti anxiety pills on the floor and before she found the pill she was concerned for about 20 seconds that the dog had swallowed the pill. My dad on that occasion lost it with my wife and said she would be negligent as a mother because if the dog was a child it could have been a dangerous situation. He was yelling at her and she yelled back at my dad that he was not a good father to my brother and I because she knows about the belt beatings. (This was normal in my wife's culture as she is from the Scandinavian countries where hidings are not common). My dad was very offended by this and since then has not liked my wife very much. At the time my dad confronted me and said how dare I tell my wife that he was not a good dad. It all fizzled out and for 3 - 4 years family visits were tense but polite. During our most recent visit (the one with the birthday cake) my Dad was nice for the first ten days but in the second last day him and my wife were tense. My wife warned everyone that she was feeling nervous about flying back 13 hours with our son who screamed all the way to South Africa and was on her phone a lot. Then my Dad started, by saying that he read about a woman who was so distracted by her phone that she did not see her child drown (hint to my wife?) who then argued a bit with my dad but more or less disputing my Dad's statement that a person texting on a phone is as slow to react as a person on maruana. My brother then arrived for dinner and my wife started preaparing supper for our son, in the process knocking over an empty beer bottle on the kitchen counter. My dad was standing next to her and was irritated saying "be careful" to my wife, who responded by picking up the broken bottle saying "it was in the way". My dad then said more aggressively "it was not in the way, it belongs on the shelf" to which my wife responded in an irritated tone "it was in the way" to which my dad opened his mouth and screamed "Shut Up!!!" My wife then burst into tears and ran out the kitchen saying that we would never visit again. I left with the baby to our room and tried to comfort/calm down my wife whilst begging her not to call a taxi and insist we book a hotel for the night. I then went to the kitchen to fetch the baby's bottle and my mom who was in the middle of this said "Please ask your wife to come back, we don't want conflict in our house just end it and carry on as if nothing happened". Normally I'm a calm person in this type of situation (I'm a dispute resolution lawyer) but I lost it with my Dad. I said fairly angrily to my Dad (who was still muttering about my wife) that he also must look at his conduct and that I cannot stay in his house if he thinks it's ok to say "Shut Up!" to my wife without expecting her to leave. My dad said my wife was to blame as she was disrespectful in her tone when she said that the bottle was "in the way" and I tried to reason with my Dad that he also had a short temper and had been offensive. I also told my dad that for 35 years I put up with his short temper and that he was picking on my wife like he used to pick on me. My dad then lost it with me, saying that I had a grudge against him and I then yelled at my Dad that it was the third time he had yelled at my wife and made a fight. I also pointed out the pattern of my dad creating conflict and mentioned the old incident with the pill and the dog. My dad then remembered and raised the issue about the belt beatings and said "what kind of son are you to make those allegations against me". My mom then cut in and said there is to be no fighting in her house and I said "fine, I agree, but don't expect that I won't stand up for my wife either if she gets yelled at". Everybody is now tense, we have one day left until we leave and I'm just so sad. My wife has calmed down but says she is not comfortable and my Dad cannot even look at me and is cold, pretending I don't love him and as if the whole conflict is my fault. My mom is in tears and my brother left looking dad. Please help!