whitesnake Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Hello, I'm new here but I had to sign up to get insight/opinions/advice from other people out here. So story goes, I'm in a LDR with my boyfriend, it's new and all, we met before, twice and he has such a beautiful soul.. Thing is, I can be generally a busy person, and when I'm not I tend to him like: "hey baby how are you" "miss you" etc... But last night and another time, My phone died during the concert I was going to and I sent him messages and videos before the show. My phone battery was literally so dead that I couldn't update him on exactly where I was and what I was doing which did bother me 'cause i knew he could have the reaction that he did.. So, regardless, I was worried myself and when I finally got a hang of a charger my friend lent to me, I headed back home right away once it was charged. He had a very negative reaction when I finally made a response and gave me a cold shoulder. I apologized profusely and explained how the whole situation was out of my control at that rate but he doesn't seem to get passed it. I believe he thinks I was purposely ignoring him which is something I would never ever do to my partner 'cause I would really feel hurt as well.. So since then, he's been not responding, I told him everything that happened and yet I still get the cold shoulder, honestly it makes me really sad 'cause what am I supposed to say to that? He did say "I'll treat you how you treat me" and I get it, I do the same, but I havn't EVER and will never go out of my way to just go ahead and ignore my partner out of spite...So I feel hurt and very confused about all of this. Usually when he's working I don't throw a fit when he doesn't respond to me right away so I don't understand why he's being like this. I never make him feel bad for not responding in hours... I did message him again asking how he was doing today but I got no response.... I don't know, man... That's hurtful to me and I do understand he was worried but....literally it was out of my control. (I managed to finally get home at 5am after all the hunting I did for a charger) What should I do and tell him in order for him to understand? I'm taking it really hard on myself when I know I shouldn't. Need your help ASAP... Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitesnake Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 doesn't help there's a time difference, you know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Controlling guys like this typically punish you for letting go of the text tether. Just like a prisoner on parole whose ankle bracelet they can't track gets in trouble. You shouldn't have to report your whereabouts constantly like a parolee. Stop doing that. Tell your parents what's going on so they can help you learn about 'dating red flags'. Also google 'signs of controlling relationships' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Why in the hell do you have to update him on "exactly where" you are? Is he your dad? This sounds VERY controlling!!!!!!!!!! He had NO reason to be upset. He also sounds VERY manipulative. Why in the world do you put up with this sh*t? Your relationship sounds very unhealthy! Get rid of this guy!!!!!! How old are you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scoe141 Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Eh, his insecurities shouldn't fall on you. The fact you would take the time to text while out is pretty considerate. That being said, the whole "I'll treat you how you treat me" comment is very immature. A normal response would have been, "no worries! Stuff like that happens. Tell me about the concert!" Has something happened before between you two that would make him act like this? This is a situation where you don't give into him. It's unfair to you because it sounds like you didn't do anything at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 I think you owed him a reasonable explanation and that's it. How he responds to it is out of your control. It's good that you are seeing this side of him now and not later. . especially in light of the distance. I wouldn't feed him with any more apologies. It just feeds the monster and at some point begins to look suspicious. After all . . you have no reason to defend yourself to someone you have only met twice. I personally don't like to have my integrity challenged. And that's what he's doing to you. Maybe consider getting mad instead of upset about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 I get the feeling that the more you apologize, the more he'll hold it against you and give you the cold shoulder. It sounds like he may feed off of drama. You've apologized, so I'd leave it at that. I would also stop contacting him. The ball is in his court and he can reach out to you at this point. I think I'd be so put off with how immaturely he's handling this situation that I'd gladly say 'good riddance'. You're being way too hard on yourself here. Please stop beating yourself up over this. It's him that needs to rethink his behaviour, not you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitesnake Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 update on the situation: He finally replied in a calm manner just writing "All I have to say is that I love you very much and miss you" and left it to that... I don't know about his past relationship very well, but I do know for a fact he definitely has abandonment issues along sided with how his ex used to be a party animal. That's his insecurity, and I'm willing to work on it but he's not very good with communication when he's upset (I've noticed) It's only two times he pulled this and usually he calms down. He has. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reinventmyself Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 update on the situation: He finally replied in a calm manner just writing "All I have to say is that I love you very much and miss you" and left it to that... I don't know about his past relationship very well, but I do know for a fact he definitely has abandonment issues along sided with how his ex used to be a party animal. That's his insecurity, and I'm willing to work on it but he's not very good with communication when he's upset (I've noticed) It's only two times he pulled this and usually he calms down. He has. Tell him to get a handle on it. You aren't there to pay for the sins of others before you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt3939 Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 He has to work on it not you. This will continue it won't stop. It will probably get worse. I hated my phone with my ex. Sometimes I wouldn't have signal that would be WW3. If I didn't respond within an hr that was enough time to cheat lol. I know you don't want him to hurt. You think by doing everything there way it will keep them happy. Eventually though you are jumping thru impossible hoops. Good luck with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 update on the situation: He finally replied in a calm manner just writing "All I have to say is that I love you very much and miss you" and left it to that... I don't know about his past relationship very well, but I do know for a fact he definitely has abandonment issues along sided with how his ex used to be a party animal. That's his insecurity, and I'm willing to work on it but he's not very good with communication when he's upset (I've noticed) It's only two times he pulled this and usually he calms down. He has. Two times, too many. You need to stop making excuses. he is manipulative and controlling. How old are you? Why are you doing long distance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitesnake Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 You're right. Thing is guys, he bought my flight to fly in to LAX on the 9th, I really wanna see if he can deal with his insecurity cause when we are together or not far away (I live in Canada btw) he's the best and also a very good friend, we have the best of times so I'm willing to see this through...but if he lets it become a habit, I'll have no other choice than to tell him off 'cause I usually end up first hurt, then mad...Like how dare you think I'm the type to do that! Hah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitesnake Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 We initially met through my work (I work once a year on a cruise ship for a whole week as a promotional model, I'm always in the eye and interacting with the fellow passengers) and he's a musician so we both have busy schedules (especially him, always on the move) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitesnake Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 I am 25 and he is 39. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 I am 25 and he is 39. I thought you were teenagers. Good God! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahl Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 You shouldn't have to report your whereabouts constantly like a parolee. Stop doing that. You're not going to get better advice than this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DancingFool Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 You're right. Thing is guys, he bought my flight to fly in to LAX on the 9th, I really wanna see if he can deal with his insecurity cause when we are together or not far away (I live in Canada btw) he's the best and also a very good friend, we have the best of times so I'm willing to see this through...but if he lets it become a habit, I'll have no other choice than to tell him off 'cause I usually end up first hurt, then mad...Like how dare you think I'm the type to do that! Hah I think you need to have a very firm, be all and end all type conversation with him about what happened and if he ever pulls it again, you really do need to abandon ship. These kinds of insecurities and controlling behaviors do not get better. Think about it - your night out was ruined with stress because your phone died and you weren't able to report your whereabouts to your parole officer and you were stressing and sweating it. Read back your own post - running home knowing he will be mad. Sorry, but that is madness. Especially so early in the relationship when it should all be roses and butterflies and smooth sailing. Be careful that you don't fall for the few good times and start tolerating what you shouldn't be just for those small crumpets of good times here and there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 You have only met up with this guy twice; you don't even know him. Since you will be coming to visit him, you will get to know him better, but you never really know a person until you live with them. Once you spend that time with him you will have a better idea as to what he is about. I hope that you have an open ended plane ticket back home to Canada in the event this thing turns sour. I do not have a good feeling about this. chi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 What if your phone is in airplane mode? Will he think you're in the mile high club with another passenger? Why not think of this as a sort of holiday fling/fwb situation and loosen the reins on each other?he bought my flight to fly in to LAX on the 9th, I really wanna see if he can deal with his insecurity cause when we are together or not far away he's the best and also a very good friend, we have the best of times so I'm willing to see this through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Tell him to grow up and get over it. Has he never had a dead phone battery? If he hasn't then he's the only person on the planet who can claim that! Geezus these control freak jerks are beyond annoying. I'd be looking for a new boyfriend if I was you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 His age is concerning because it's not like we're reading about a teenage boy who is clueless, inexperienced and needs time to grow and learn. You're dealing with someone who is 39 and most likely set in his ways. All the more reason to be on the lookout and on high alert, OP. You can't teach guys like this new tricks. Please look out for yourself. He sounds really controlling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justshine1 Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 He's acting very inmature in this situation and it's a very minor thing. ..could you imagine how he would behave ot act if it were a major issue. I'd say screw him. And date someone closer who trusts you first of all and isn't so selfish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Absolute red flag and early warning sign that this guy may be abusive. I'm including a link to warning signs, but this one especially from the article I will post here since it describes your situation exactly: Need for constant contact. This can be constant text paging, long phone calls, insisting on accompanying you to all appointments and interviews, visiting you at work, etc. If he panics or rages when he cannot contact you immediately, that is a very strong warning sign indeed. It speaks to severe emotional dependency and angry attachment. This attention may feel good, but it does not bode well. Though it may sound unromantic, a healthy man will be able to get involved in other things beside his partner. Jealousy without reason. This is not love for you expressing itself, this is angry attachment for all women expressing itself. Sorry, OP but if I were you I would end it now, block and delete him, and move on. That's not normal and it's a serious red flag. And the silent treatment is one abusers use to "punish" their partners for daring not to let them have full control. Stop apologizing, stop trying to reach him, take this as a wakeup call. Here's the rest of the article: P.S. When my phone battery dies my husband just worries I'm out in the middle of nowhere and may need help. He doesn't even think about it being me cheating and vice versa with him. That's a normal reaction, not rage and accusing you of cheating. That's not insecurity, that's a clear red flag. I know you won't listen, but I would tell you not to go to L.A. Abusive and manipulative people can be very charming, but they can't contain that rage for long and my guess is he won't be able to sooner or later even with you there. I'm sorry, OP, but really this is a 39-year-old man who knows right from wrong. He knows you aren't cheating on him, he just is furious he lost control. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahl Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 Thing is.. he bought my flight to fly in to LAX on the 9th I really wanna see if he can deal with his insecurity if he lets it become a habit I'll have no other choice than to tell him off then mad... Like how dare you think I'm the type to do that! I would be more worried about you being the type to ignore red flags and the incredibly apt and intelligent advice your post has garnered because he bought you a flight. Use your head and take some personal responsibility for your well-being. Or, you know, ignore the red flags, the resounding theme of cautions proffered, and work on how to really tell him off after his next offense. It will *only* be the third, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted March 7, 2017 Share Posted March 7, 2017 If I were in your shoes, I'd be done. I couldn't live like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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