starting as friends with an ex

[Danie0930]

hey wanted some advice. me an my ex fiancé have been separated for two years but we were together for 5. I reach out to her in February because i needed closure and found out that we broke up because of miscommunication. She would say things she wounded mean like saying she doesn't need me and in all the fights we've had she had only thrown the ring at me twice and she would kick me out. in the end i believed the words she said so i left with a broken heart which in the end caused her life to shatter as well. after two years i reached out to her and we spoke and she told me she still love me but as time went by she told me she wants to start off as friend and build up from there because she feels we've both changed and she wants to get to know me as i do her, similar to how we started in high school. We text everyday and sometimes i spend the night at her house and we have fun at times watching tv. There was even at time we were playing and it led to us having sex as much as i didn't want to deep down in my heart i still loved her so i wanted to show her, but i still get this vibe that she isn't interested in me and then she gives off the vibe that she does want to spend time. for example when we argue and the past gets brought up she gets mad at me and say maybe we should even talk or be friends. But then she tries to make plan with me like vacation trips and going to the movie. her texts at times are bland and we never talk about us just school or things that interest her nothing funny or flirty but still try by calling her beautiful and making small dates. Just feel like she's closed up and i feel like i have to work hard to gain her trust and in doing so i try to show her that I'm interested by doing what i can. for example we went out to the movies last thursday and she got sick after. I bought some medicine and i bought food so she wouldn't cook, but when i realized she was getting worst i stayed the night. We played Uno the card game while watching jeopardy, and after it got late i told her to lay down in bed and i gave her a massage before bed and then we went to sleep. Not sure what to do. just want to stop over thinking things and stop thinking negatively and i wish she could try with me. Even a prayer would be much appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Why did you reach out? It sounds as volatile and angry as before, no? How old is she, she seems very unsure of things.

after two years i reached out to her . when we argue and the past gets brought up she gets mad at me and say maybe we should even talk or be friends. just want to stop over thinking things and stop thinking negatively and i wish she could try with me.

[abitbroken]

If she threw the ring at you, the problem is not "miscommunication." I think you should stop torturing yourself and not try to win her back. Throwing a ring is a very definite gesture. Its not a misunderstanding. If you are having sex, you are not "starting out as friends", you are having sex. So cut it out and find a woman who is more compatible with you

[Danie0930]

the reason i reached out was because i was suffering from depression and what happened between us played a big role in that i felt like a bad guy. so for 2 years i tortured myself and was even doing poorly in school. It does sound angry but like i said i feel like she has closed up to me and even though we blame one another i feel like we both have to gain each others trust. Like tomorrow I'm going to take her to ihop before we have class just too spend time with her, and i tell her at times i just want to spend time with her.

[Danie0930]

the reason i reached out was because i was suffering from depression and what happened between us played a big role in that i felt like a bad guy. so for 2 years i tortured myself and was even doing poorly in school. It does sound angry but like i said i feel like she has closed up to me and even though we blame one another i feel like we both have to gain each others trust. Like tomorrow I'm going to take her to ihop before we have class just too spend time with her, and i tell her at times i just want to spend time with her.

[gebaird]

I worry that you could get hurt again in this situation. Reaching out to her for closure has perhaps brought you some peace regarding past events, but now it sounds like you are facing a new set of problems. You are obviously very emotionally invested in this person, and I'd hate to see you get hurt because she's not as emotionally invested in you.

 

You're in a tough situation, and to the degree possible I think it's important to prepare yourself to be hurt again. Healing ultimately comes as you work through things on your own, not from the other person.

 

Be careful.

 

Sending prayers.