Am I being mean with my money?

[Derga]

Hello,

 

At the moment, I am wondering if I am having a wrong attitude towards money. I had a sort of little fight with my new boyfriend and I would like to some advice on that.

My boyfriend and his dad were on a businesstrip and he asked me if I want to visit him. I only had to pay for the train tickets as I could stay at his hotel for free. So, I decided to invite both of them for dinner. I already got to know his father but never talked to him that much.

We found a restaurant which was a little bit more expensive but I didnt want to say anything. During the dinner his dad ordered beer all the time, same thing about my boyfriend. I kind of started to get angry and after dinner asked for the bill. His dad asked for another beer, this time a smaller one. So everyone of us ordered a new drink.

I was angry because they both ordered their drinks before I even had the chance to ask if they want anythink else. They simply ordered everytime the waiter was near our table. I am also suprised about this behavior. When someone of my friends invites for dinner usually you wait until he or she asks if anyone wants to have one more drink. Usually, if you are invited, especially for the first time, you are more reserved with ordering something. They both drank only five big beers but still, It didnt feel right to invite them for dinner and how things went and I couldnt master the situation.

 

After dinner, my bf asked me if something is wrong but first I didnt want to tell but he insisted, so I said sometimes it is good to know when to stop. So, he got angry and said that if he invites his friends, everyone can eat and drink everything and even if he is running out of money, he would rather starve the next days than forbidding his friends to order what they want. I replied that if I knew the person invites me for dinner and doesnt have much money, I would never order expensive things.... This is a huge difference between both of us.

 

Next day, he invited us for dinner. The restaurant wasnt that expensive as the last one, he had the chance to ask us if we are still hungry or thursty and his dad only drank two beers, smaller ones....

 

I dont know what to think.... Any opinions?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you feel taken advantage of by him and his father. How long have you been dating?

 

Do you think it's a cultural or money incompatibility? Will the bf make it up to you?

 

Next time speak up sooner. You could have pulled your bf to the side and asked him to chip in for the extra drinks, if you couldn't afford it.

fight with my new boyfriend and I would like to some advice on that. During the dinner his dad ordered beer all the time, same thing about my boyfriend. I said sometimes it is good to know when to stop. So, he got angry and said that if he invites his friends, everyone can eat and drink everything and even if he is running out of money. Next day, he invited us for dinner. The restaurant wasnt that expensive as the last one, he had the chance to ask us if we are still hungry or thursty and his dad only drank two beers, smaller ones....

[Derga]

He asked if he should give me the extra money for the drinks, I said this is up to him. He didnt give me the money but invited me/us for dinner the next day.

I wasnt sure if it is ok to say something during dinner, I didnt want to be unpolite but I have never been in this kind of situation.

 

Edit: we have been dating for a few months only

[Wiseman2]

Learn to mean what you say and say what you mean. He offered to pay for the extra drinks. Don't answer passive-aggressively with stuff like "it's up to you". Either accept his offer or not but don't pout and stew when he tried to make it right.

He asked if he should give me the extra money for the drinks, I said this is up to him. He didnt give me the money but invited me/us for dinner the next day.

[Rorgeshot]

Wiseman is right.

Anyway your man had spared the thought for you in the first place, by offering to pay for the extra drinks. Unless indiscreetly he said it in front of his dad, that thought itself, my friend, is Valuable.

[Derga]

Wiseman is right.

Anyway your man had spared the thought for you in the first place, by offering to pay for the extra drinks. Unless indiscreetly he said it in front of his dad, that thought itself, my friend, is Valuable.

 

He said it in the Restaurant in front of his das after we looked at the bill.

 

But thats not the point for me. He doesnt understand why I am feeling offended and I am wondering if I am too stingy

[Wiseman2]

I don't either to be honest. So they had fun, ordered beers, etc. But they offered to pay so what's the issue?

He doesnt understand why I am feeling offended and I am wondering if I am too stingy

[Doc Blaze]

These are the type of arguments that destroyed My ex and I's relationship.

 

Both had different ways of doing things, he tried to fix it, still wasn't good enough.

 

I don't miss this kind of stuff.

[j.man]

Seems like an odd custom to me to expect people you're treating to wait for you to ask them if they'd like something else before they're then able to order it. To be honest, it does strike me as cold. And I don't think it's reasonable to expect others to assume that's your way. Now if it's a matter of not being able to afford it, you should have just accepted his offer to cover the drinks. Or gave the boyfriend a private heads up prior to dinner that you're a bit strapped and can only afford to cover the meal itself.

 

Also think about whether this is really a battle you want to pick. How are things split generally? Do you two split all your dates 50/50? Or was this a time your boyfriend could have been reasonable in thinking this would be a good opportunity for you to treat him for a change?

[Derga]

I don't either to be honest. So they had fun, ordered beers, etc. But they offered to pay so what's the issue?

 

Because we had a fight, him accusing me being stingy. I didnt like the situation because I had nothing under control... And the only thing he liked about the situation is that I didnt want his money.

[Doc Blaze]

Because we had a fight, him accusing me being stingy. I didnt like the situation because I had nothing under control... And the only thing he liked about the situation is that I didnt want his money.

 

Learn and move on...

 

next time say I got dinner but you guys take care of your drinks...bam...everyone wins..

[Derga]

 

Also think about whether this is really a battle you want to pick. How are things split generally? Do you two split all your dates 50/50? Or was this a time your boyfriend could have been reasonable in thinking this would be a good opportunity for you to treat him for a change?

 

Usually, he pays and next time it is my turn. It was always ok. And yes, with my friends we wait or we ask if we can order something else.

[Derga]

Thats the point. He said before dinner his dad will have two beers during dinner if this is ok? I said yes and I was wondering why he mentioned it. But now I understand it much better... Next time I will do things different

[Wiseman2]

Weird custom. Most of the time the host/whoever is paying will ask people if they want dessert, more drinks, etc.

 

You weren't with friends or coworkers you were with the bf and dad, so don't apply girls night out rules to dating.

yes, with my friends we wait or we ask if we can order something else.

[Derga]

Weird custom. Most of the time the host/whoever is paying will ask people if they want dessert, more drinks, etc.

 

You weren't with friends or coworkers you were with the bf and dad, so don't apply girls night out rules to dating.

 

Weird thing about is that he does the some thing with me, his mom or when we are both alone.

[Wiseman2]

Decide on a better dating scheme. Why isn't taking turns treating working? Go dutch if either of you can't handle alternating. You each pay your own share of what you get.

Weird thing about is that he does the some thing with me or when we are both alone.

[journeynow]

I always tend to order inexpensively at restaurants, and especially when someone else is paying, so I get what you are saying. My take on the situation, though, is different people have different ideas about what "going out to dinner" includes. In situations like yours, where I want to treat someone but am cautious with money, I treat them to breakfast or to coffee and desert at a cafe, or something where I'm pretty confident I'll be able to cover what they desire. Knowing myself, I'd have a hard time speaking up at the time if they start ordering more than I'd anticipated, but observing as an outsider (here) I say there is value in specifying your parameters in a kind way (not coming across as stingy) or speaking up.

 

I'm not smooth at these kinds of things, and am trying to think how you could word it to say you can cover an entree an non-alcoholic drink each ( but, you're sorry, you budget won't cover alcohol, appetizers and dessert at this particular restaurant; if they want those, it will have to be a joint effort, or they'll have to pay those… Or "Oh, shoot, with these prices, can you guys cover your drinks and appetizers and I'll get the entrees? We can pick up ice cream on the way home if y'all want dessert.") I would not be offended if someone said this to me.

 

THis, though, is important to know about him:

he got angry and said that if he invites his friends, everyone can eat and drink everything and even if he is running out of money, he would rather starve the next days than forbidding his friends to order what they want.

 

For me, this could be a red flag about money matters.

[Fudgie]

First off, your mistake was making an incorrect assumption that your boyfriend and his dad would be considerate and not strive to drink you out of your money. I personally think they are tacky, yes, but I would not assume that people would do the right thing. You assumed the best and it didn't happen. Next time, voice your expectations and don't expect people to not be thoughtless or rude because chances are, they will be.

 

If you expect that someone will be reasonable with their dinner order when you're paying (say, a mid range entree and maybe 2 drinks) then you should say so, to your boyfriend. Then your boyfriend can coach your dad and will know not spend so much himself.

 

It does worry me that your boyfriend said that he'd rather starve than say "no" to his friends. That could lead to an incompatibility later.

[Derga]

I have to admit that I sort of messed up the situation. Thats why I actually didnt want to tell him about my thoughts. I didint want to disappoint anyone. It was in a new town, we were looking for a restaurant, his dad started to complain about being tired of walking and it was my first dinner with him....

[Wiseman2]

Don't try to impress people then be upset.

I have to admit that I sort of messed up the situation. Thats why I actually didnt want to tell him about my thoughts. I didint want to disappoint anyone. It was in a new town, we were looking for a restaurant, his dad started to complain about being tired of walking and it was my first dinner with him....

[and so it goes]

I'm going to take your side on this. Admittedly I do like my money - I have no problem spending it but I don't like to see it wasted - I work hard for my money. If someone else is paying then you should let the person paying set the tone for how much the meal is going to cost (ie: If they order lobster then go for it), that's just being polite.

 

I have a dim view of people who drink heavily during dinner, especially on someone else's dime. You get one to two drinks at dinner and thats it, any more than that and we should be at a pub not a restaurant. This might be a cultural thing though (I'm Canadian)

 

It looks alot to me like they took advantage of the fact you were paying. I'd be angry. Really angry actually and this kind of foretells the future. These two guys (your b/f and his dad) should have more class than this.

 

I might be wrong on my view on this, however, I know I would be mad.

 

addendum: I wouldn't bring it up to him though, I would have just seethed and raged inwardly for a while and then tuck into the "don't forget to never offer to buy dinner again" file and move on.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah maybe it's my being Canadian as well, but I find it really crass that they extended a treat to dinner into a drinking party without throwing in for the drinks without having to be asked.

 

It cost you that meal drinks and now you know. He's cool with throwing other people's money around, give a bit he goes all out, and this is how he thinks ( as his anger and pointing out he'd go hungry rather than put a cap on a treat out). Just watch how it unfolds as far as compatibility forward.

 

I'd give the shirt off my back for a friend.. But like to know who I am dealing with first, as I don't like being scammed. Some may call that stingy but I don't think so. When you do choose to extend to give, I'll say this, be sure you can afford it and to let it go if it doesn't go as you'd hope for. That saves a lot of grief. You took a chance and learned something about him, so there's that.

[DancingFool]

When you take people out to a restaurant, you simply do not control what they order, what they drink, or how much. I think your expectation to control that was a bit odd and kind of a good life lesson to learn that regardless, of what you are doing within your group of friends, it will not necessarily extend to others.

 

When treating people, what you do choose is the restaurant and therefore the price. If you are strapped for cash, then maybe jump on yelp and find a cheap but trendy burger joint with happy hour drinks. Basically, if money is tight, new city or not, it's on you to think and plan ahead for your budget, precisely so you are not sitting there getting increasingly upset and scared about the size of your bill and counting everyone's bites and drinks.

 

If you were able to afford the meal without issue, then you are being stingy and making an issue out of nothing and I say this as a dedicated tightwad myself. You need a good crowbar to open my wallet and even then.....might not work. Still, if I take someone out, I will not track what they order and begrudge it. That's just wrong.

[Fudgie]

I agree with the Canadians. It's absolutely crass and rude and I will look down upon someone for doing it. That said, I wouldn't EXPECT someone that I don't really know to have class and manners. And OP, that was the key here: you made an assumption and you were wrong. Next time, don't assume the best of people you don't know.

 

Actually, I have been in this position before. My boyfriends brother came to town. It was known that I would be paying for dinner and the guy proceeds to get drunk and drink a lot. So classless. Luckily my boyfriend cut him off AND made him pay me back for the # of drinks over 2. He stuck up for me.

[ParisPaulette]

This is a valuable lesson in why you don't offer an open tab on anything, if you aren't willing to pay the bill. Should they have been more considerate? Well, yes. I would also not simply guzzle away half the bar just because someone said they were buying me dinner and drinks, but then I was raised with a fierce Southern Belle of a granny.

 

BUT many people are not like that. You offer them free anything and they will happily help themselves, with no thought that there needs to be a limit. And this is something you usually learn the hard way, like you just did. So chalk this up to a learning experience and move on. Drop the topic though, it's a dead horse since your BF and his dad seem clueless about that.

 

In the future, always word your offer as something with a limit to it. "Dinner is on me, and you guys pick up the drinks okay?" Or, "I'm buying dinner and the first round of drinks, my treat." Same with free rides, "I'll take you this one time," etc. Put a cap on what you're doing and you won't get taken advantage of or at least it will give you a thing to remind someone of. "No, I can't give you a ride this time, that was a one-time thing, remember?" Or they order a second round, you order with them and tell the waiter or bartender to open a new tab, this one on them, while you want the one for dinner and the drinks.

 

You can do all of this is a very pleasant cheerful way that allows you full control and yet establishes the boundaries clearly.

 

But yeah, I'm landing on your side a bit if your BF knows you aren't all loaded, he should have spoken up before or put in extra money saying something like, "Hey, let me pick up mine and Dad's drinks since we probably put a good dent in your checkbook there." But that's just me. And I would fully expect you to do the same with him.

 

Unfortunately they don't usually have lessons on this stuff anywhere, so you just have to learn. Like my uncle did who made the huge mistake of telling people his wedding had an open bar. Yeah, they just about died when they got the bill, it was more expensive than my aunt's wedding dress which was custom made. So lessons learned. It's all you can do.

 

I don't think you're stingy with your money, but more that you were a bit naïve to offer something you couldn't afford. Nothing to be ashamed of there, most who have to work for a living can't do that sort of thing very often, and definitely not open ended anything. Your boyfriend is a bit of an idiot to tell you he'd rather starve than say no to friends and that statement makes me immediately suspicious that either he is careless with money and thus always broke, because he's a doormat who can't say no and is trying to buy people OR it's a manipulation wherein he fully expects and would be okay with you not paying your bills over saying no to things you can't afford.

 

It's something to watch, but the money issue it indicates is worrying. No wonder he thought what he and his dad did was okay. And no, it is very poor manners. It's just you can never assume someone has manners, if they do that's great, but don't assume it. Just enforce what you are willing to pay and don't change your boundaries, because of someone else's poor ones.

 

P.S. It's not a Canadian thing. It's a manners thing. Unfortunately, it's something I just see too often. It's like those people who put out a bowl of candy with a note to only take one piece at Halloween. Yeah, right. Like someone isn't going to just come along, usually an adult I might add, and dump the whole thing into their sack with zero shame then walk away. Oh, and come back later for more. So, so, so tacky.