Heart broken by an emotionally unavailable girl

[ZeeLee]

I met this girl through a dating site. I was taken by her quickly, she was attractive, smart, arty and we had a lot in common. I found out very quickly that she had just spit from an ex and that he was still in the picture. I actually knew the guy it turned out although just a friend of a friend sort of thing. We dated and slept together pretty quick. I then found out from a mutual friend and her that she had told him we had dated. Ding ding ding!

 

Anyway I ignore my alarm bells as I was infatuated if I'm being honest. A couple of weeks later she broke things off. At this point I said that was a shame and went on my way NC. a couple weeks past and I start to get songs messaged to me, music was one of the things we particularly had in common. I asked her over and we started to date again and sleep together. At this point looking back I got a little needy and I used to text her too much, no constantly but maybe daily expecting excited interaction which I didn't always get. She warned me she wasn't over the ex and that she worried that if he asked her back that she would be scared she would go to him but I tried to make light of it and said that I understood and that I just wanted to have fun and see where things went.

 

Her interest then started to increase to where she suggested we go away together snowboarding for a week. She also told me around this time she had decided to stop talking to her ex. Then BOOM a freak out, after spending a good couple days with her she told me she was confused and that when she was with me felt great but when she was on here own she got anxious. I left her NC for a week and when I got back from a work trip I said hello. She told me that she just wanted to "put a halt on things for now". The next day was valentines and she sent me a message late at night saying "Happy V day" and a skull smilie I just made a light comment back.

 

Another couple weeks past and she made contact and I made plans to hang out with her, took her mountain biking. We had a great time and a hug on the hill. She then asked me to join her and her brothers for food and drinks. I'm not sure they knew I was a date of any kind. We ended up back at hers theat night and had great sex, the next day she was very affectionate and made me breakfast, kissed me goodbye etc.

 

I left her for a week and we made plans again, we were going to go on bike again but it didn't work out so we ended up having food and drinking in the afternoon through the evening. This is where I messed up I think, I couldn't keep it in and we started talking about us. It all came out in the wash. She told me what had happend with her ex and that she was emotionally unavailable, that she was sorry that she had put me through this, she hadn't expected to meet someone that she would connect with but that sh wasn't ready for any kind of commitment. I asked her what it was that she ultimately want and she said that she want to settle down and have kids and preferably with me but that she just wasn't there right now. I told her I didn't expect to be her bf right at this moment but I wanted to date her with that as a an open possibility.

 

We went home alone. The next day I asked her round to talk. She did and sober I got the full story. That she just wasn't ready to open herself, that she cared about me but wasn't emotionally available, she said that she was going to go into therapy. She talked more about her last couple of relationship and it turns out that the last guys was from a rebound off of a serious relationship and that she messed him around loads and that she only realised she loved him when he had had enough.

 

She took her stuff and the last I heard from her was her messaging me to say she felt sick when she got home. I've message her saying that I hoped she would go and work on being able to open up to someone again and that I hoped that would be me.

 

I've gone NC now but my head is completely fried, I can't get my head around if she did like me, did I push her away with not being able to just hangout with her and have fun. If I hadn't brought it up would I still be able to do that. However I kind of feel it was inevitable what happened in the end and that this is probably the best thing. I'm really trying to not get hung up on her sorting out her head and coming back to me for another shot. I know I need to just get on with my life and that if she does contact me then to be clear with her. I told her that I didn't want to be her friend, that I wanted to date her, I'm sure that's not great for her right now.

 

I'm torn between knowing I probably could of held onto her longer vs the fact I was honest about how I felt in the end.

 

Not sure what I hope to get from here. I guess just some thoughts. I've found similar posts but it's shame people rarely update with the outcomes haha.

 

PS. this all sounds rather quick reading it back but it was all over a 5 month period.

[Matt3939]

Stop second guessing yourself. You told her how you felt. You will feel better about that in the long run. I'm sorry it didn't work out. Sounds like 2 people at two different stages. Good luck

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like she's one of these people who hop on a dating site every time there's an argument. Is she on/off with this guy?

 

It sounds like all she can handle right now are hookups and fwb.

she had just spit from an ex and that he was still in the picture. We dated and slept together pretty quick. I asked her over and we started to date again and sleep together. She warned me she wasn't over the ex and that she worried that if he asked her back that she would be scared she would go to him I told her I didn't expect to be her bf right at this moment but I wanted to date her with that as a an open possibility.

[ZeeLee]

She was on/off with the guy until he finalised it (apparently he's joining the Navy) I believe she was emotionally unavailable to him also

 

I'm not sure that's the case in regards to the dating site thing as I'm the first person she's done this with (as far as I know). I seems like more of a rebound following him dumping her for a change, she told me so but that she didn't expect anything to develop from it, that she was taken by surprise when it did. She also told me about her father being a womaniser and pretty rough on her mother in that sense, I can't help but feel that has played a big part in where she's at combined with a couple of bad breakups in a row.

 

It's such a shame, she is a great girl but I guess it all comes down to trust and being able to open to someone or am I kidding myself and that fact is she just doesn't

 

You make a good point with the quotes about what she can handle and I guess I'd be kidding myself that I could do that with her. My only other approach might of been to do that in the hope that she would develop feeling for me and come around but that seems a recipe for disaster.

[ZeeLee]

What do people think? Is there a chance she will be back in touch when she get's her head right and the ex is completely out the picture?

[nutbrownhare]

What do people think? Is there a chance she will be back in touch when she get's her head right and the ex is completely out the picture?

 

If she gets back in touch, and you start seeing her again, it's extremely likely she'll mess you around loads and only start missing you when you've had enough and get out. Even if the ex is out of the picture, there's likely to be another guy around in the background.

 

If someone tells you they're emotionally unavailable - BELIEVE THEM!!!

 

If she decides she's going to get her 'head right', and means it, the healthy thing to do is stay single and stop messing around with guys as a way of avoiding her own ambivalence and insecurities.

 

For your own sanity, keep up your NC, block, delete and all the rest. Unless you fancy another spin on the merry-go-round.