So it looks like it was all for sex!?

[greta96]

I had made a post a few weeks ago about an ex of mine who 'returned' after 5 years and seemed completely changed, apologized for the way he had treated me all those years ago, and despite him being in a long term relationship now, he asked me to give him a chance as friends, to show me he's changed (before anyone comments on this, the woman is the one who knowingly was flirting with him in my face when we were together and clung to him until she got him - I suspect she was having sex with him at the time too, so this woman is not someone whose feelings I would ever care about).

 

For 3 months now, he's acted like he really meant what he said. He called me regularly, we hung out 2-3 times and chatted over coffee... and he told me everything he knew I liked to hear. While I was truly working towards building a platonic friendship with him, his agenda was a bit different - he made it known that he was willing to have a physical relationship with me as well. Told me his relationship was ending, that he no longer cared about her, everything a cheater says when he wants to cheat. While I don't care about the woman he's with, and as far as I'm concerned she deserves to be cheated on because this is what she did to me, I would never, ever have sex with a man in a relationship. First of all, ew. Second of all, I am not bending my standards for anyone. So, I told him sex was never going to happen, as long as he was in the relationship. I think at first he didn't believe me, but after we hung out 2 more times and my answer stayed the same, I think he got it. The calls started to get fewer and colder, and there has been no mention of hanging out again. He had said he enjoyed my company - well, I know when I enjoy someone's company I try to spend as much time as possible with them, not see them once a month.

 

The good thing about all this is that I got sort of a closure, an explanation of how things were in the past - and they were nothing like my version of the truth. Turns out he never saw us as being in a relationship (despite him telling me at the time that we were!), we were just 'seeing' each other. Also, turns out that with this woman he used to see her every other day at the beginning of their relationship, while when he was with me I had to basically beg for him to spend time with me every other week! So I guess I was never able to inspire that type of feelings in him, I was never someone he couldn't wait to see, spend time with, etc. How flattering... NOT.

 

So, was this all for sex then? No friendship, nothing? At this point, I feel like just blocking his number and going MIA on him, despite the fact that our last interaction was still friendly. Before this happened, I was jealous of his girlfriend and envied how she was able to turn him into a committed man...now I feel a bit better knowing she may have him, but does she really? I can't possibly be the only woman he wanted to cheat on her with, actually I'm sure he is habitually cheating on her with others. He didn't even show a morsel of remorse when he made his intentions clear to me. So, I'm glad she's getting everything she deserves. But I won't contribute to this, because she is not worth me ruining my health with lifelong STDs (which I'm sure he has) just to get back at her for the way she'd tortured me in the past.

 

It's just a hard pill to swallow, knowing that he faked wanting to be my friend, and that everything he told me, all the nice things, were fake, and were meant to get me to have an affair with him. I had believed him, and I was happy to have him as a friend. And now I have to end it before he has the chance to end it with me...again.

[Clio]

Congrats for not falling into his trap. However, it sounds like you still have some work to do regarding your self-esteem. This is NOT about you never being "someone he couldn't wait to see, spend time with, etc." This is about him being a damaged human being, a cheater, who will use anyone who will allow it. You didn't allow it (high five!) therefore, he retreated. Hoping/believing that a leopard would change its spots for you was unrealistic. You need to stop tying your self-esteem to cheaters' actions (or lack of) in any capacity. This is all about him being damaged, not you. He would do the same to anyone who would let him. Blocking his number and going MIA on him sounds like a very good idea. He is incapable of adding any value into your life or anybody else's for that matter. Having him resurface from time to time to test your boundaries (guys like him often do this) doesn't sound like a very productive exercise.

[Matt3939]

Good for you. I know it's hard to stick to what we say we are going to do. It probably feels good in some way to see he is still that way. Gives you more closure. Good luck

[SherrySher]

Honestly, count your blessings, you dodged a bullet BIG TIME. This man sounds like a loser on all accounts and I pity the poor woman who wastes her time on him.

I wouldn't let him for one second make you feel that you weren't good enough or that you were less than...HE was not good enough, nor is he now.

This man does not deserve a girlfriend and sounds like a disgusting human being.

Delete, block, find a decent man, and don't waste another second on this subhuman.

[greta96]

Congrats for not falling into his trap. However, it sounds like you still have some work to do regarding your self-esteem. This is NOT about you never being "someone he couldn't wait to see, spend time with, etc." This is about him being a damaged human being, a cheater, who will use anyone who will allow it. You didn't allow it (high five!) therefore, he retreated. Hoping/believing that a leopard would change its spots for you was unrealistic. You need to stop tying your self-esteem to cheaters' actions (or lack of) in any capacity. This is all about him being damaged, not you. He would do the same to anyone who would let him. Blocking his number and going MIA on him sounds like a very good idea. He is incapable of adding any value into your life or anybody else's for that matter. Having him resurface from time to time to test your boundaries (guys like him often do this) doesn't sound like a very productive exercise.

 

Thank you, it's hard to believe everything he said was just an act, he is unfortunately a very intelligent guy and knew exactly what my soft spots were, so he knew what to say to make me truly believe he changed. So now to see that it was all fake is a tough pill to swallow.

I came to realize that the reason I have always craved his attention is not because we have this grand connection, but because I have issues from my past; growing up my mom was a very strict and cold person, who despite loving me more than anything, she never showed me her feelings, she was always hard on me and I had to jump through hoops to gain her approval. He is exactly the same, hence me always craving his approval. Do I want a future with him? No, he is a cheater and been a womanizer his whole life, I would be crazy to want him as a partner. But I've never been able to gain his approval, and this will eat at me forever. On the other hand, I know having sex with him would have just made me feel even more worthless; and he would have moved on anyway, with yet another piece of my dignity as a notch on his bed post. Heck no...

 

It really, really sucks.

[greta96]

Good for you. I know it's hard to stick to what we say we are going to do. It probably feels good in some way to see he is still that way. Gives you more closure. Good luck

 

It definitely gave me more closure, unfortunately it still doesn't make me feel that much better...

[greta96]

Honestly, count your blessings, you dodged a bullet BIG TIME. This man sounds like a loser on all accounts and I pity the poor woman who wastes her time on him.

I wouldn't let him for one second make you feel that you weren't good enough or that you were less than...HE was not good enough, nor is he now.

This man does not deserve a girlfriend and sounds like a disgusting human being.

Delete, block, find a decent man, and don't waste another second on this subhuman.

 

My brain knows this, but for some reason I'm not at peace with it...I still think *I* am the one who is unable to provoke that kind of feelings in him. Others could, I couldn't, and that's a failure I may never get over - especially since it now happened twice. Technically I know you're right, but it hurts nonetheless. I know blocking is the only thing I have left to do, but I was soooo happy to have him back, that ending it now seems just...well, I'd rather have all my teeth pulled out without anesthesia than have to do this. However, I can see he's distancing himself so I know sooner rather than later I will no longer hear from him at all, so I'd rather it is me ending it this time than him.

[Seraphim]

What about him is so special that he has made you feel deficient somehow?

[greta96]

What about him is so special that he has made you feel deficient somehow?

 

His cheating nature aside, he is a highly intelligent man who has always been just out of reach for me. Even though we have a long history (I`ve known him for close to 10 years), I was never able to truly break his shell and inspire the type of feelings in him that others clearly have. He was never into me the way I've been into him. So even if he's not a prize on paper (cheater, unable to feel much empathy for others, financially unstable, etc), the fact that he's never been "mine" in the true sense of the word makes me wonder what is wrong with me. And at the very least, I thought he knew me well enough to know I wouldn't have casual sex...clearly that was not the case.

[Seraphim]

The only saving grace there is his intelligence. Other than that... meh. I know emotionally speaking it is harder to finally "get" things but Greta don't devalue yourself.

[greta96]

The only saving grace there is his intelligence. Other than that... meh. I know emotionally speaking it is harder to finally "get" things but Greta don't devalue yourself.

 

I'm trying...because that would be the final hit to my self esteem and I don't know how I'd be able to bounce back from that. All I have now is the satisfaction of knowing I didn't give him what he was after, despite his sweet words and even actions. But life would have been so much happier for me if he actually meant what he said and if we could have made this work...

[Seraphim]

Concentrate on how you built yourself up the last five years that's much more important .

[Wiseman2]

Agree, sounds like he was looking for fwb or hookups. Good you shut him down.

[HeartGoesOn]

Well done, Greta!

 

 

[hyden]

Before this happened, I was jealous of his girlfriend and envied how she was able to turn him into a committed man...

 

He was trying to sleep with you while still in a relationship with her. She did not turn him into a committed man.

 

Also, I noticed your age indicator changed recently. Happy belated birthday!

[greta96]

He was trying to sleep with you while still in a relationship with her. She did not turn him into a committed man.

 

Also, I noticed your age indicator changed recently. Happy belated birthday!

 

Yes, this gives me a tiny bit of satisfaction to be honest. She went after a taken man, now she is getting her reward. And I'm sure she's been getting it for a while now, and she'll keep on getting it.

And...thank you!