Feeling uncomfortable about my girlfriends interactions with another dude?

[advicerelpls]

Background

 

Been with girlfriend (G) for 3 months and knew each other a bit before that. I'm 21 male, she is 24 female. We got very close, very fast and because of how close we live to one another we usually end up sleeping together most nights. We spend a lot of time together, but we also work quite a lot - but less now we are heading back to uni for the new semester.

 

I'll put this up front: G has never done anything to betray my trust, she is kind and loving and really great. She is somewhat naive when it comes to the intentions of others around her, and I feel like she is often taken advantage of for this fact (both in her personal and professional relationships). She has only had one partner before me (she comes from a conservative Asian household and did not move to the West until 2.5 years ago). I have had more, but I've never clicked with someone like I have with G, nor seen so few red flags.

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The Issue

 

A couple of weeks ago G mentioned some dude who was her friend (J) who has a girlfriend, but who came onto G about 6 months ago (before the last semester ended, but while he still had his girlfriend). She said she was feeling that it will be awkward when she goes back to uni because they take the same classes, and it'll be awkward to see him after she rejected his advances. She asked me my opinion: Would it be better to just avoid him altogether, or just be nice/polite but generally avoid him, or to try make just friendship work? I said that I trusted her judgement and left it at that; I'm not going to control who she can and can't talk to.

 

Of course, my expectation was that she would just avoid the guy, or perhaps say hi/be polite but keep her distance... Let's guess what happened instead?

 

We went back for the first day of uni today. I had class/work pretty much the whole day until 4pm whereas her schedule was a bit more lax. I get this at the end of the day when we see each other in a "no biggie" tone of voice:

 

> I saw J today, it was awkward. I tried to avoid him but I opened the door after class and bumped right into him. He was trying to avoid me too. We ended up getting lunch together.

 

I understand that G might be a bit naive to these things... but to me this sounds pretty much like she went on a date with the person who had come onto her into the past. And considering what J did last time (when still with his girlfriend), I don't trust his motives at all, and I don't know why G would.

 

Again, I do trust G, this really is not an issue of trust for me. It's an issue of respect. And I personally find it very disrespectful that G would go out for lunch with "the guy I don't need to worry about", who had previously tried to pull moves on her, who makes her "feel awkward".

 

Considering the above, where do I go from here? What do I say to G?

 

I don't want her to see the guy again, but I don't want to control who she can and can't see. At the moment I think I'll just express what I have done here and see how she acts/reacts. I'll probably end things if she ends up spending any more time with him. I know that might sound insecure, but I really don't have time for this sorta drama.

 

Does anyone else have any other advice?

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tl;dr Girlfriend (G) grabbed lunch with the guy who tried to cheat on his girlfriend with her. G rejected him back then and seems incredibly naive to his intentions now. What do I do?

[BlarneyStone]

Finally, a thread that has a moral dilemma worth putting some constructive thought into lol.

 

Is that literally the only conversation you had with her after their lunch? I mean I can only base my opinion off of what you've told us so far. And with that I'd say you're doing pretty much exactly what I would do in this situation. Just let whatever happen, happen. And if she continues spending time with him, it's well within your right to bounce, insecure or not. I wouldn't want that type of drama either.

[wall]

I think if you talk to her, you have to talk about your insecurities and needs, not her actions. I think I would feel the same way you do but be careful not to project your insecurities onto her. You're making an assumption that because she went to lunch once, that she'll do it again, and again. Then that will lead into a relationship with him. I can see why you're nervous but you have to love in a way that the person you love feels free. If she's not free you'll squash this love. I don't think you should give up on something because of what might happen. Be vulnerable and trust that she's smart enough to handle her own life. If it turns out that she isn't, then you know and you have closure.

[indea08]

First of all, I hardly consider grabbing lunch between classes a date...

 

Having said that, it's a given that she's going to see him. They're in the same classes, may even wind up having to do a group project together. I think for her own sake, your girlfriend should be cordial with him. If he continues to be inappropriate then she should handle it, like she did the first time.

 

If you are uncomfortable with them spending any "extra" (meaning not mandatory for class) time together, then just tell her that and let her do with it what she will. It sounds like she's a loyal woman and you shouldn't get yourself worked up over this. Men will hit on her in the future. She will handle it. But it doesn't mean she'll have to keep a list of guys whom she can't ever interact with just because they once hit on her. That's not her burden to bear.

[advicerelpls]

Is that literally the only conversation you had with her after their lunch? I mean I can only base my opinion off of what you've told us so far. And with that I'd say you're doing pretty much exactly what I would do in this situation. Just let whatever happen, happen. And if she continues spending time with him, it's well within your right to bounce, insecure or not. I wouldn't want that type of drama either.

 

She said "I saw J today, I was trying to avoid him but I ended up opening the door and he was right there and we got lunch together."

 

I didn't ask further - wanted to mull over it first - but she sensed I had an issue and clarified that I "shouldn't be worried because he was trying to avoid her too, and he has a girlfriend.". I said to drop the issue because I don't wanna get into a discussion about it while we're out.

 

What I didn't ask, and what I intend to ask later is:

 

1. If you were both trying to avoid each other, how did you end up getting lunch?

 

2. Who asked who to lunch?

 

3. He had a girlfriend last time and it didn't stop him.

 

However, these questions are really besides the point. Because I trust her enough to turn him down again, but I don't want to be the schmuck whose girlfriend is getting lunch with guys that need to be "turned down again".

[advicerelpls]

First of all, I hardly consider grabbing lunch between classes a date...

 

I do agree with this. I only call it date based on his intentions. I would not call it a date if it was an actual friend of hers or whatever.

 

Having said that, it's a given that she's going to see him. They're in the same classes,

 

Class size is about 400. They share one class. They are not in the same project/tutorial stream.

[advicerelpls]

You're making an assumption that because she went to lunch once, that she'll do it again, and again. Then that will lead into a relationship with him.

 

 

I am not concerned about this, I fully trust that she would not end up cheating on me with him or even ending up with him or whatever, I just (as mentioned above) don't want to be known as the schmuck whose girlfriend is getting lunch with guys that need to be "turned down again" (or ones known for cheating on their girlfriends).

[wall]

I just (as mentioned above) don't want to be known as the schmuck whose girlfriend is getting lunch with guys that need to be "turned down again" (or ones known for cheating on their girlfriends).

 

Then I think maybe you're a little too concerned with what others think. Who cares what anyone thinks? If you trust her, care about her, and love being with her then screw what it looks like to anyone else. And besides, it really looks like you are totally confident in yourself and trust your girlfriend to any bystanders. Put yourself in her situation. I think you'd want her total trust and I think you'd also want to make the situation not awkward between you and the classmate too. My advice would be to let this go and focus on building the relationship and making it stronger with her.

[advicerelpls]

Then I think maybe you're a little too concerned with what others think. Who cares what anyone thinks? If you trust her, care about her, and love being with her then screw what it looks like to anyone else. And besides, it really looks like you are totally confident in yourself and trust your girlfriend to any bystanders. Put yourself in her situation. I think you'd want her total trust and I think you'd also want to make the situation not awkward between you and the classmate too. My advice would be to let this go and focus on building the relationship and making it stronger with her.

 

Me I guess. I try to protect my reputation as best as possible. And what most people are going to see is my girlfriend being flirted with and going out for lunches with another guy who previously tried it on.

 

I get what you're saying though... I think I'll still talk to her but I'm not going to let this ruin the relationship.

 

That said, I know exactly what I'd do in her shoes, avoid the girl because I wouldn't want to disrespect my girlfriend like that... Maybe our values just don't align on the issue.

 

Thanks for your response btw

[ParisPaulette]

You pretty much just need to tell her what you've told us here. That it's one thing to have friends, and good trustworthy friends, but it's another to go out to lunch with a guy she barely sees who had so little respect for her and his girlfriend that he would proposition her to cheat with him. And then I'd tell her if she's going to go on dates with this type of person then maybe it's better to go your separate ways.

 

I say this to you, because I'm a bit suspicious of her motives. Not the guy, he obviously wants to get laid and asked her out to lunch hoping to take up where he left off. But this reeks of her trying to play you against other men and that's a pretty bad game to get into and it's one I would tell her right to her face that you are not going to play. And if she wants to do so then she is free to do that, on someone else's time and not yours.

 

I know that's harsh. You may not agree with me. But I think you're going to wish you had. It's not crazy or mean or controlling to say, "Hey, please don't do date-like things with people you know want to get into your pants who have so little respect for you and their own girlfriend and that they think they can just pick up where they left off. And you let them. I don't feel like you were thinking of me or respecting what we have when you did that."

 

You don't have to be harsh or mean about it. But you do need to establish boundaries. You don't know if she will or won't cheat on you, but what you do know is you don't want to be a part of this type of setup, so don't be. And tell her that and tell her very plainly why you feel like that.

 

You can't really control her actions, but you can explain why you feel it was a bad thing of her to do and that you won't be willing to have this now become a regular thing. And see where it takes you from there.

[indea08]

Me I guess. I try to protect my reputation as best as possible. And what most people are going to see is my girlfriend being flirted with and going out for lunches with another guy who previously tried it on.

 

I get what you're saying though... I think I'll still talk to her but I'm not going to let this ruin the relationship.

 

That said, I know exactly what I'd do in her shoes, avoid the girl because I wouldn't want to disrespect my girlfriend like that... Maybe our values just don't align on the issue.

 

Thanks for your response btw

 

Okay, so now you've made it clear that:

 

1. You fully believe she will not cheat on you.

 

2. You are upset about this because of how it looks to other people.

 

What do you care about more, your reputation or your girlfriend? Because if I were her and you told me you were uncomfortable with my having lunch with a classmate because of your reputation, I'd tell you to take your reputation and shove it up your a$$. If you love her, trust her. If you don't, leave her.

[advicerelpls]

Okay, so now you've made it clear that:

 

1. You fully believe she will not cheat on you.

 

2. You are upset about this because of how it looks to other people.

 

What do you care about more, your reputation or your girlfriend? Because if I were her and you told me you were uncomfortable with my having lunch with a classmate because of your reputation, I'd tell you to take your reputation and shove it up your a$$. If you love her, trust her. If you don't, leave her.

 

Likewise I would leave someone who would force me into such an ultimatum. And he's not "just a classmate" is he? He's the guy who pursued my girlfriend while he was in a relationship, and has now come back assumedly to try again.

 

However, I do completely understand where you are coming from on the reputation thing. I will be honest on the reputation/respect thing to her, and that that is the main reason I don't want her hanging out with this guy. Because if she has the same attitude towards it you do, then we probably don't align in that regard, and while I could personally get past that it's only fair for her to know I feel that way and if it's a dealbreaker for her (as it sounds like would be to you) to act on it as such.

 

I love her, I do trust her. If she treats me in a way that's disrespectful (note: I am not necessarily saying that continuing to see him in the context of class is disrespectful, this is more of a general comment), I will leave her despite the fact. Because I've loved people before, and I know that if we broke up both I and her could love someone again with more similar values and priorities.

 

I'm trying my hardest not be an a$$hole here, but I can see how it will be perceived that way.

[wall]

Likewise I would leave someone who would force me into such an ultimatum. And he's not "just a classmate" is he? He's the guy who pursued my girlfriend while he was in a relationship, and has now come back assumedly to try again.

 

However, I do completely understand where you are coming from on the reputation thing. I will be honest on the reputation/respect thing to her, and that that is the main reason I don't want her hanging out with this guy. Because if she has the same attitude towards it you do, then we probably don't align in that regard, and while I could personally get past that it's only fair for her to know I feel that way and if it's a dealbreaker for her (as it sounds like would be to you) to act on it as such.

 

Of course it's your choice to throw away this relationship, for no good reason in my opinion. I do think that you would be wise to examine your insecurities with what others think of you though. This is going to come back later in life, a lot I'd bet. So this might be a great opportunity to look at why you need others approval to keep you feeling good about yourself. I do think it's ok to talk about boundaries in a relationship with her but I really think this is more about you doing some self examination and deciding what your priorities in life are, and how much you'd like to allow others to control you with their opinions.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately she asked for your input and you weren't honest about your real thoughts on this..

 

Don't play testing games and then get upset if you lack the confidence to speak your truth.

She asked me my opinion: Would it be better to just avoid him altogether, or just be nice/polite but generally avoid him, or to try make just friendship work? I said that I trusted her judgement and left it at that; I'm not going to control who she can and can't talk to. Of course, my expectation was that she would just avoid the guy, or perhaps say hi/be polite but keep her distance...

[advicerelpls]

Unfortunately she asked for your input and you weren't honest about your real thoughts on this..

 

Don't play testing games and then get upset if you lack the confidence to speak your truth.

 

No, her asking me that question was the testing game. She wanted to test if I was insecure about the guy, and she test to how much I would let her get away with. Me avoiding her test was not a test of my own.

[Wiseman2]

True. Why would she need your opinion on an ex then do whatever anyway?

No, her asking me that question was the testing game. She wanted to test if I was insecure about the guy, and she test to how much I would let her get away with. Me avoiding her test was not a test of my own.

[BlarneyStone]

Of course it's your choice to throw away this relationship, for no good reason in my opinion. I do think that you would be wise to examine your insecurities with what others think of you though. This is going to come back later in life, a lot I'd bet. So this might be a great opportunity to look at why you need others approval to keep you feeling good about yourself. I do think it's ok to talk about boundaries in a relationship with her but I really think this is more about you doing some self examination and deciding what your priorities in life are, and how much you'd like to allow others to control you with their opinions.

What?

 

I'm a little late in reply, but OP, don't listen to this person. Any ulterior insecurities you have really aren't relevant here. The facts are: your girlfriend went to lunch with a guy whom previously hit on her. For someone to call you insecure to take issue with that is mind blowing. People on this website want to play therapist all day, and at the end of the day, they'll try to find fault within you that has no significance to the matter at hand.

 

When it comes to scenario based situations on this board, we can only go off what you tell us. But lots of people around here will immediately swing to one extreme. Like everything is black and white. Like having your girlfriend grab lunch with someone up to no good somehow makes you the bad guy. Your strategy from the get go is solid.