Paranoid and confused

[DannyBoyDSC]

I started seeing a guy last November and I thought things have been going really well, but I've started picking up signs that maybe they're not and I'm torn as to how to go forward.

He's recently moved to the area and doesn't know anyone, and we originally met as friends but it ended up going so well that we've been dating. We have the same interests so I've involved him in my gaming groups to meet new people and we spend a lot of time together, at least 2 days a week, but I started getting the feeling that something is off.

Just after Christmas he admitted that he's gone back on Grindr to try and make some friends of his own and meet new people, which I was a little upset about, but I can be quite possessive, which I realise isn't healthy so I let it slide, but now he has no interest in sex with me.

He says it's because he's so focused on trying to get settled and make friends that sex just isn't on his mind, but I don't know whether to believe him. He's also heavily against calling what we're doing a relationship, saying we're just seeing each other because he's not ready for a relationship yet.

Tonight I logged onto Grindr using an old account, as he's blocked my normal account, and he's updated his profile picture to a shirtless one, and his profile still states he's looking for a relationship.

On the one hand, we see eachother regularly, and he's incredibly supportive of me because he knows I'm insecure and can be paranoid, but I feel like he's only "with" me because it's convenient. He gets to play games with me and my friends, and has regular human contact (he's living on a small farm in the middle of the country) because of me, and I'm worried that he thinks if he ends things without a backup plan, he'll be alone. I think I'm being used, but because I know I'm prone to being paranoid I don't want to run in, guns blazing, accusing him of things if I'm just being insecure.

I don't know what to do. I really like him as we get on really well but I worry he doesn't feel the same, even though he's invited me to spend weekends with him and his family, and we often spend days laying in bed, cuddling and watching films or playing video games.

Does anyone have any advice?

[gebaird]

I'd be very surprised if he isn't getting sex from somewhere. I'm guessing he is looking for hookups/FWB and doesn't want any strings attached. Suspect he is using you for his own selfish ends, and will continue to do so as long as you don't try to rope him into a relationship -- then he'll run.

[angrythoughts]

Grindr isn't a place to find friends. Everyone on their is looking to hook up. There are many ways to find friends so what he claims to be his intentions is a lie. He's keeping you around for whatever reason and is doing his own thing on the side. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. My friend is going through something extremely similar to this and it led to him being strung along for a year. Don't be my friend... please...

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like he's a lot less serious and is playing the field, no? If you think he's using you as a backup plan or just using you, then distance yourself.

he's gone back on Grindr to try and make some friends of his own and meet new people. He's also heavily against calling what we're doing a relationship, saying we're just seeing each other because he's not ready for a relationship yet.

[lukeb]

A large majority something like 75% or more of the long term gay men relationships are open to some degree although I think most start out monogamous. For the ones that are monogamous when they get older some of them actually lose interest in sex and it is not a big issue anymore. It is true that what others do doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you specifically but it does tell you something about the reality of gay men relationships in general.

 

There is an automatic assumption here on this forum because the vast majority on here are probably straight or women that you should feel paranoid and have a reason to be. I am not telling you to feel a certain way, just not to make any automatic assumptions about how things are supposed to be. You are your own person and you can sometimes surprise yourself.

 

My advice for the time being is to go with the flow, if he is a great guy and enjoy the time spending with each other why should you deny yourself the pleasure of dating and getting to know each other? If you are the type of guy not able to let go of your paranoia, and your are anxious about where things are going then I would suggest breaking things off. It's hard to tell if the sex dried up because he is interested in other guys or he isn't interested because you're being paranoid or whatever.