To have sex or not to have sex that is the question !?

[Loralora]

Hi everyone.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months.

It has been going pretty well for the mos part except that we haven't had actual sex just foreplay.

 

The reason we haven't had sex yet is that I am still a virgin and would like to keep it that way untill I know for sure he is the one. Also do to cultural circumstances. But as time passes by I get the feeling he's not satisfied sexually enough.

 

I feel he might get sex somewhere else since he isn't getting any from me. I asked him if he misses sex he said "a little bit".

 

I feel like he might be obligated to get some on the side and if he did do that I would feel awful but at the same time I wouldn't be able to blame him 100% since I'm not truly satisfying him.

 

But on the other hand some people on relationships that have sex or are engaged or married cheat on their significant other even though they have sex with them.

 

So in a way I'm feeling that if he will cheat it might be my fault...

 

I'm starting to think I should have sex and screw all this cultural bull besides nobody cares that much about virginity anymore even here. But being afraid that he might cheat shouldn't be my reason to have sex with him. I'm 27 and still a virgin it isn't normal. I always feel this guilt that it might have worked out with my first boyfriend if we had had sex.

 

I am so confused.

 

Today we had a fight with my current boyfriend because he went somewhere I saw his location on facebook and he denied it, he said facebook had some problems today and that he was home at that time!

 

Virginity has always been a big big thing for me and I thought it should be saved for the one you were going to marry...

 

I would think that if he has enough integrity he wouldn't cheat even if he isn't getting any from me.

 

My friends tell me it isn't a real relationship without sex.

 

Any thoughts on what I should do and what my reason for doing it should be? Thanks

[melancholy123]

You are far too confused to be having sex at this time. Virginity is obviously a big deal to you, so you should not have sex until you believe you are 100% ready for it. You dont have sex because he might be getting some elsewhere. You do it for you, at the right time, and not for anyone else. This guy sounds like a jerk to me and I think you could do better. Find a guy who likes and appreciates you for you, and is not going to cheat on you because you aren't ready for sex.

[Loralora]

Thanks but I never caught him cheating...I don't know for sure if he was lying about the facebook location...because as soon as I clicked near by friends at first it showed a different location and then in a minute it changed to his home location...so I'm not sure if the location tracking was right..it might have been a fb problem after all..because it changed back to his usuall home location very fast.

[melancholy123]

You missed my point! His facebook location doesnt matter. This is a guy who really wants to have sex with you and probably because he wants to be your first. If you fall for this old line, dont be surprised if he bails on you afterwards. You should not have sex to try to keep a guy! You should do it because you feel ready and that the other person is the right person, not someone you are desperate to hang onto.

[Snny]

The reason we haven't had sex yet is that I am still a virgin and would like to keep it that way untill I know for sure he is the one. Also do to cultural circumstances.

Then you really shouldn't be engaging in ANY sexual play. You are gonna lead him on, and it's not fair to him.

 

feel he might get sex somewhere else since he isn't getting any from me. I asked him if he misses sex he said "a little bit".

 

I feel like he might be obligated to get some on the side and if he did do that I would feel awful but at the same time I wouldn't be able to blame him 100% since I'm not truly satisfying him.

Or maybe he is self... You know?

This is your own insecuriy talking. Ignore it. He gave you an answe- no need to drag it out of him.

 

on the other hand some people on relationships that have sex or are engaged or married cheat on their significant other even though they have sex with them.

Where are you getting this from? I didn't cheat on my husband before we got married, and I don't ever intend to.

 

So in a way I'm feeling that if he will cheat it might be my fault

No- he will be at fault. He will always have the choice of dumping you and dating someone else who can meet his sexual needs instead of cheating. I have personally dumped guys before who were not sexually and emotionally compatible.

 

Cheating is never, ever justified. He is choosing to stay with you. If he cheats, it's time to kick his ass to the curb. But do not blame yourself.

 

I'm starting to think I should have sex and screw all this cultural bull besides nobody cares that much about virginity anymore even here.

You do whatever the hell you want. It is your body and your decision alone to make.

 

But personally for me, I wished I saved mine. I got hurt badly for giving it to a guy who didn't deserve it. My circumstances were different because he was off fighting in a war where he could come back in a casket, and he had proposed to me.

 

Kind of like this 89miYtknw[/url]

 

I truly thought he was going to be the man I'd marry... But he came back as a totally different person and was abusive.

 

I still wish I gave it to my husband. I am living with my mistake. If you truly value your virginity as much as I did, then don't just lose it because of social pressure.

[Clio]

Cheating is never justified. You also need to reevaluate your perceptions regarding virginity. In reality, virginity is just lack of a certain knowledge on your part, not a 'thing' you give away. Having sex for the first time can be a very emotional experience that most women remember forever but it doesn't define your value as a person. Other qualities such as honesty, kindness, integrity, self-respect, authenticity etc are far more important. Having sex should be something that you do because YOU want it. It should be a choice based on YOUR feelings and desires NOT on what the other person wants from you. If you are in love and trust the other person and feel ready to have sex and there are no red flags, then imo there should be nothing to regret regardless of how it turns out longterm. You cannot control what the other person does afterwards but remembering that YOU wanted this at the time, that you made a decision based on feeling ready and on the best available knowledge you had at the time / having been true to yourself can help accept whatever aftermath.

[wall]

I have a couple thoughts. First, If you've been honest with him about saving your virginity then there is no excuse for him to cheat or pressure you, period. So, if he does stray that is completely on him.

 

Next thought, I too am in an area where there is strong culture (religion) of holding your virginity until marriage. I've seen that backfire at least 5 times in close friends relationships. I truly believe that sex is like anything else that you have to offer to a partner. Would you want to be with someone who has never had a conversation with another person? Or a person that has never had a girlfriend? Or someone that has never kissed another person? I believe that it is ok to experience things before you decide what you like and don't like. Religion gives a massive stigma to sex and I think creates a lot of shame and guilt. That is unhealthy. I'm not saying to go out and have sex with as many people as possible, but if you choose to, do it because you're solid in yourself and it's what you want to do. Don't live your life or do things to please other people, including religious leaders, boyfriends, etc. At this point I don't think I would date or marry a virgin because of the fear she will always wonder what she missed. I'd rather have someone who has experienced life a bit and feels satisfied being with me. These are JUST MY THOUGHTS!

[Loralora]

Thank you everyone for your comments.

 

I don't want to have sex to keep him, because he doesn't pressure me at all. But I always fear he might feel the biological need to cheat. He is a human after all, a MALE human.

 

He told me there is no hurry.

 

But my friends tell me a relationship is nor real without sex. Maybe it's true just like the previous poster *wall* said that sex is like anything else that you have to offer to a partner.

 

I'm starting to grow a little impatient of being a virgin and starting not to care as much as I did about the future cirumstances or outcome. Even if I don't marry this guy, I'm starting not to care as much...

[Loralora]

Cheating is never justified. You also need to reevaluate your perceptions regarding virginity. In reality, virginity is just lack of a certain knowledge on your part, not a 'thing' you give away. Having sex for the first time can be a very emotional experience that most women remember forever but it doesn't define your value as a person. Other qualities such as honesty, kindness, integrity, self-respect, authenticity etc are far more important. Having sex should be something that you do because YOU want it. It should be a choice based on YOUR feelings and desires NOT on what the other person wants from you. If you are in love and trust the other person and feel ready to have sex and there are no red flags, then imo there should be nothing to regret regardless of how it turns out longterm. You cannot control what the other person does afterwards but remembering that YOU wanted this at the time, that you made a decision based on feeling ready and on the best available knowledge you had at the time / having been true to yourself can help accept whatever aftermath.

 

I care about him, I don't know if I am in love yet. I still don't trust him 100%. So based on this and on your words I shouldn't have sex with him.

 

Can you be 100% in love with someone if you never have sex with them..?

 

I was in love with my ex eventhough we never had sex, but I still wonder if "LOVE" ACTUAL love can happen without sex...!?

[Clio]

Can you be 100% in love with someone if you never have sex with them..?

 

I think that yes, you can be 100% in love with someone even if you never have sex with them. However, "in love" and actual "love" the verb are two different things. To me really loving someone means accepting them as they really are (including their flaws). Longterm love is something built over time through honest communication, getting to know each other, trust, acceptance, respecting and supporting each other through difficult times, sharing common goals and wanting similar things out of life. It takes time. Sex is a bonding experience for sure but if the other elements (trust, honest communication, acceptance) are missing, it is a very poor foundation. If you don't know whether you are in love yet, you don't fully trust him and you are not sure about doing it then no, imo you are not ready to have sex yet. Don't do it because you feel you "have to" or because your friends say that it is the right thing to do. Do it when you feel you want it for yourself. Good luck!

[Loralora]

I think that yes, you can be 100% in love with someone even if you never have sex with them. However, "in love" and actual "love" the verb are two different things. To me really loving someone means accepting them as they really are (including their flaws). Longterm love is something built over time through honest communication, getting to know each other, trust, acceptance, respecting and supporting each other through difficult times, sharing common goals and wanting similar things out of life. It takes time. Sex is a bonding experience for sure but if the other elements (trust, honest communication, acceptance) are missing, it is a very poor foundation. If you don't know whether you are in love yet, you don't fully trust him and you are not sure about doing it then no, imo you are not ready to have sex yet. Don't do it because you feel you "have to" or because your friends say that it is the right thing to do. Do it when you feel you want it for yourself. Good luck!

 

Thank you..

[reinventmyself]

Your friends do not share your cultural belief?

Therefore you don't associate with friends that have the same culture, I assume?

 

To say it is not a real relationship is very naïve of them.

 

A real relationship is based on a foundation of trust (which you say you do not have) among some other things.

It's after those things are established do you take it to a deeper level. And that doesn't have to be intercourse.

 

I think it's probably normal to feel pressured. . or to pressure yourself.

Imagine this. You give in to the pressure and then 2 months down the road your relationship ends. How would you feel?

 

You need to be with someone who supports your convictions. He did said there was no hurry, correct?

 

If you are afraid he'll leave over it, then show him the door. He's not the right guy for you.

[Wiseman2]

If you do not share the same goals and values, then it's not a good fit and condoning cheating won't fix that.

I am still a virgin and would like to keep it that way untill I know for sure he is the one. Also do to cultural circumstances. Virginity has always been a big big thing for me and I thought it should be saved for the one you were going to marry.

[hyden]

But I always fear he might feel the biological need to cheat. He is a human after all, a MALE human.

 

I'm starting to grow a little impatient of being a virgin and starting not to care as much as I did about the future cirumstances or outcome. Even if I don't marry this guy, I'm starting not to care as much...

 

You have been upfront and honest with him and he is choosing to remain with you. If he were to cheat on you, he owns that, not you. As for your second point, if that is true (ansd only you can make that determination), then great, have all the sex!

 

Whatever choice you make, if he chooses to stand beside you knowing the choice you make, hopefully that means he is a patient and honest person.

[Loralora]

Your friends do not share your cultural belief?

Therefore you don't associate with friends that have the same culture, I assume?

 

To say it is not a real relationship is very naïve of them.

 

A real relationship is based on a foundation of trust (which you say you do not have) among some other things.

It's after those things are established do you take it to a deeper level. And that doesn't have to be intercourse.

 

I think it's probably normal to feel pressured. . or to pressure yourself.

Imagine this. You give in to the pressure and then 2 months down the road your relationship ends. How would you feel?

 

You need to be with someone who supports your convictions. He did said there was no hurry, correct?

 

If you are afraid he'll leave over it, then show him the door. He's not the right guy for you.

 

Yes my friends do share the same cultural belief as me but they are braver haha. I have always been terrified of getting hurt.

 

If I had sex with him and broke up with him at least I wouldn't regret not having sex and I wouldn't feel guilty for him cheating on me because he was so sex deprived and just had to get it somewhere (even though his cheating should never be excused and I shouldn't feel like this).

 

There is always a regret at the back of my head about my ex that had we had sex maybe we wouldn't have broke it off.

 

I just kept on waiting for him to be a "good boy" and waiting for him to make me believe I was the one so we could have sex and move forward with our relationship until I got tired of waiting and things just went bad.

 

At this rate I might as well just become a nun. At this rate I'm never going to have sex.

 

I have lost my patience with myself. I want to give my all to someone and if he cheats on me after I did my all then eventhough it would suck at least I can say I did my all and it didn't work and I wouldn't have any more regrets.

 

Ironicaly I always thought having sex and not getting to marry that guy is the catastrophy, I'm starting to think vise versa now..

 

I don't fear he'll leave me because of not having sex....I fear he'll stay and cheat..

 

If he is truly a cheater he might cheat even if we did have sex, if he didn't enjoy it or likes to explore or some other lame reason, but then at least I'll have the biggest reason on earth to dump him!

 

I have tried it with my ex. We were in a relationship for a year and a half. A sexless relationship in the 21 century doesn't work! It's like two "friends" fighting with all of this sexual frustration build up!

[Loralora]

I think I will do it soon.

 

I don't know if I "need" it....because I never tried it to see how it is to miss.

 

Maybe I'll be less frustrated.

 

I plan to see how he behaves in a month or less...and based on that decide to finally do it (have sex) or break it off.

[Loralora]

hopefully that means he is a patient and honest person.

 

Yes hopefully it does....

[reinventmyself]

I think this is an attempt to feel in control.

Unfortunately you can't control another persons actions. Understand this.

 

All you can do is make the best decision possible and know that people get hurt and disappointed sometimes. It's life.

 

I get the sense this has more to do with you wanting to control things then it has to do with your culture. . or maybe a mixture of both.

Just something to think about. .

[Loralora]

If you do not share the same goals and values, then it's not a good fit and condoning cheating won't fix that.

 

Well in our culture, (and I suppose in most cultures), boys can have all the sex they want, the sooner and the more the marrier...

 

As for girls it is very frowned upon!

[Loralora]

I think this is an attempt to feel in control.

Unfortunately you can't control another persons actions. Understand this.

 

All you can do is make the best decision possible and know that people get hurt and disappointed sometimes. It's life.

 

I get the sense this has more to do with you wanting to control things then it has to do with your culture. . or maybe a mixture of both.

Just something to think about. .

 

It could be...I don't know...I'm not sure..

[Wiseman2]

Ok then stop dating him while he sows his oats. That's not the issue. The issue is do you or don't you want premarital sex regardless of this guy?

Well in our culture, boys can have all the sex they want, As for girls it is very frowned upon!

[abitbroken]

Thank you everyone for your comments.

 

I don't want to have sex to keep him, because he doesn't pressure me at all. But I always fear he might feel the biological need to cheat. He is a human after all, a MALE human.

 

He told me there is no hurry.

 

But my friends tell me a relationship is nor real without sex. Maybe it's true just like the previous poster *wall* said that sex is like anything else that you have to offer to a partner.

 

I'm starting to grow a little impatient of being a virgin and starting not to care as much as I did about the future cirumstances or outcome. Even if I don't marry this guy, I'm starting not to care as much...

 

Sexual activity may be a biological instinct, but it isn't a "need" like food, water, shelter, etc. And no matter, its not your responsibility to fulfill a biological need even so. There are plenty of men who are looking for the right one and would happily wait until the other person is ready to have sex - either at the right point in their life or in their relationship. Sex is not something that you must "offer." I would focus on getting to know him fully and not caving into sex. If he was really looking for a wife and in your culture having a lot of partners is frowned upon, then he would be patient and not pressure you - because he is looking for a virginal wife. If he is antsy for sex and wants you to put out - then he is not serious about the long term and looking for sex - even if somewhat meaningful. The fact that he says he "misses sex" vs is "looking forward to when the time is right for both of you" doesn't seem like he's on the same page as you.

 

 

I feel like he might be obligated to get some on the side and if he did do that I would feel awful but at the same time I wouldn't be able to blame him 100% since I'm not truly satisfying him.

[Loralora]

Ok then stop dating him while he sows his oats. That's not the issue. The issue is do you or don't you want premarital sex regardless of this guy?

 

I don't mean cheating is allowed in our culture...I mean premarital sex for men is never frowned upon and for women it is.

 

I never thought I would wait untill I actually marry him...but at least untill we were in a more stable relationship or engaged...

[Loralora]

Sexual activity may be a biological instinct, but it isn't a "need" like food, water, shelter, etc. And no matter, its not your responsibility to fulfill a biological need even so. There are plenty of men who are looking for the right one and would happily wait until the other person is ready to have sex - either at the right point in their life or in their relationship. Sex is not something that you must "offer." I would focus on getting to know him fully and not caving into sex. If he was really looking for a wife and in your culture having a lot of partners is frowned upon, then he would be patient and not pressure you - because he is looking for a virginal wife. If he is antsy for sex and wants you to put out - then he is not serious about the long term and looking for sex - even if somewhat meaningful. The fact that he says he "misses sex" vs is "looking forward to when the time is right for both of you" doesn't seem like he's on the same page as you.

 

It isn't my obligation to fufill it even if it was a biological need but I don't want him fufilling it elsewhere.

 

He'll wait...but how will he wait by cheating on the side because of being so sex deprived by me?

 

Well he has found a virginal wife, he wouldn't mind taking my virginity since he is the first to do it and then marry me.

 

He doesn't pressure me for sex. I'm pressuring myself. I think he is serious or he wouldn't stick around so long just to have sex with me. We have been together for 4 months but know each other for 6.

 

I asked do you miss sex he said "a little bit". I took that a bit as a warning that he might get it elsewhere...

 

I am focusing on getting to know him...but how long? Is there a limit? How long is too long before you have sex?

[JaggerJim]

If you want to have sex, you probably should just take the plunge and go for it. Make up your own rules. You are in a relationship, it's not like your not.