Is my boyfriend sexting another woman while I am asleep?

[dancinggirl67]

Hello everyone. First time here and I am in dire need of help.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years this summer. We have a fantastic relationship and sexually, it is still out of this world for both of us.

 

My concern is about his recent nocturnal telephone battery drain. On three separate evening now, the same thing has occurred. It has never happened before. And I am seeing red flags. I am not sure whether the red flags are actually there and I have a legitimate cause for concern. Or if it is caused by my paranoia or insecurity.

 

My boyfriend plugs his phone into the charger on his night table every night before going to bed. I see it is always plugged in. But on three mornings, I saw it was not plugged into the charger and his battery was drained significantly. How do I know? I checked his battery percentage before bed and compared it to the percentage on the phone in the morning. He told me it must have fallen off the charger, all three times. The battery percentage dropped 12 % overnight, in a span of 7 hours. Whereas I tested my phone while it was off the charger and not being used by me, and the drop in battery was only 3 % in the same time period. I am not sure why his battery drain is so much higher than mine - and the average is 3 % - while the phone is not in use - so this is concerning to me.

 

I wonder if he is sexting or Snap chatting another woman in the middle of the night while I am asleep? And this is why his battery drops so much overnight, because he is actually USING his phone! He swears he is not. And did not even notice his phone fell off his charger.

 

Now, in order to use his phone away from me, he would have to take it off his charger and go into another room. As I doubt he would carry on this way while keeping it charged on his night table while I slept beside him.

 

One time I swear I thought I heard him mumble or laugh in the middle of the night while he was "asleep." It has never happened since though.

 

I am not sure if I am making too much of this. And I am hoping to hear some rational and objective thoughts.

 

I am ready to throw in the towel because I cannot keep living with the anxiety, every time his phone is off his charger and there is a big battery drain. I go to the worst case. Am I worrying for nothing? And what should I do now? He just denies it. And I have made it crystal clear that I consider sexting other women or online flirting, picture, video or verbal exchanges with sexual intent for "fun" is crossing boundaries, and I consider that cheating.

 

Also, it is interesting to note that his phone does not drain this much during the day when it is in his office or in the kitchen, not being used. The drain is so much higher overnight. In the wee hours. So, why is this? It seems quite strange to me.

 

Can anyone help me make sense of this?

 

Should I believe him? Or not?

 

I have lost sleep over this. And honestly, I do not like to live with a sick feeling in my stomach.

 

It is incredibly difficult. And I find I am shutting myself off from him.

 

Thank you all for your input. I could really use it.

[Lester]

"rational and objective"

 

Phones are phones. They can have apps running in the background that quickly drain the battery.

 

Instead of concentrating that, go right to the root of the problem; tell him today you want to get married. Do NOT take your eyes off him even for a split-second after you do.

 

His reaction is the answer to ALL of your tech questions.

[Matt3939]

Do yourself and talk to someone about your insecurity and anxiety or leave this guy. This sounds pretty frustrating for him. Stay up the whole night and steal his breath like a cat. Maybe get a bed dvr? I almost broke my phone with my ex I'm sure I threw it out of frustration. I would walk in the house unlock it and put it by the front door. The whole time I was home I wouldn't go near it cause all it did was cause problems. They were her problems not mine. It still caused problems even doing that. If this guy was cheating would he do it right beside you while you slept? Good luck

[indea08]

He's probably watching porn and rubbing one off.

 

Leave the guy alone. Quit checking his phone battery. Honestly, that sounds crazy and exhausting. Even if he IS doing something shady, your PI work isn't going to stop him. So just love, and if something is wrong, the truth will come out on its own. It always does.

 

But if you continue like this, you will drive yourself crazy and push him away. Stop it.

[Doc Blaze]

so his battery is low so you think he is sexting someone?

 

is there a history of this or something?

 

if not then yes you are way out of line..

 

why would it matter if he went on his phone after you fell asleep anyways..

 

i used to go on my phone when my ex fell asleep because i would randomly wake up and not be able to sleep for awhile.

[reinventmyself]

Has he ever actually done anything you are aware of that causes you to not trust him?

[ParisPaulette]

Sooo, if you're concerned enough to be battery snooping has it never occurred to you to just, you know, stay awake and see what happens? Chances are though, if he's like me he's playing Plants n Zombies in the middle of the night due to insomnia or his phone battery is dying. Mine did that and I had to get a new battery.

 

But for you to even notice that tells me you're already in an uber-state of watchfulness and suspicion with this guy. Why is that?

[Dahl]

FWIW, I just received a brand new, fancy pants phone, and I find that it frequently drains itself over long stretches of time that I am for sure not using it. I am wondering if there's some app or program that updates itself or something during particular periods of time despite not being actively 'open'.

 

As the above posters queried, I would be curious, too - does he give you any other reason(s) to suspect him?

 

Based solely on your initial post, I don't have the impression that he's doing anything nepharious. I agree with the idea that if he's up to something, it might well be an innocent obsession with an addictive game. Which might also explain the giggle you heard.

 

Good luck.

[dancinggirl67]

Hello and thank you everyone for responding to me. It is the OP.

 

My trust issues are a result of how he and I first got together. He was a married man at the time. He eventually left his wife for me. I know that does not happen often. But it did with us.

 

Now, I have a cross to bear. I find I am unable to trust him because he was capable of cheating on his wife. And I live in worry, fear and anxiety every day that once he gets bored of me, he will be out seeking his next new thrill. It is crippling to me emotionally.

 

I am always at him about his whereabouts, the people he is seeing during the day, and always questioning him about pretty much everything he does. I think I do push him away. But I am trying to protect my own heart from being hurt.

 

The other day, he visited his old gym. There is this woman who works there who used to be his boss. One time he told me he was fixing her computer and saw some old pictures in her files of her naked and with her breasts exposed. I wonder why she would ask him to fix it, knowing he could see those pictures? He has not worked there for years but he went to visit lately. Why would he go back there? NOW? And where does my mind go? To the fact he is trying to start something up with her again? Bored or giving up on me? I replay these scenarios in my mind with every woman he meets. I think he is on the hunt.

 

He said he was just visiting, seeing the renovations and getting some group rates for his work colleagues to work out there.

 

I do wonder if it is done subconsciously? Maybe my suffering is too much and my way of getting rid of it is pushing him away? He has been patient, unbelievably patient and understanding, but I have seen cracks lately. He seems to be tiring of it although he says he is happy with me and has not gone anywhere. He is tired of my actions, NOT me.

 

But he does seem shorter with me in our communications so I fear if I do not stop soon, it might be too late.

 

But HOW do I stop?

 

I have tried and tried to trust him and I just can't do it. I always think the worst of him. And think he is always up to no good.

 

He Snap chats me at night when he is out of town. He loves sexting and video chatting with me. I worry he could be doing it with other women. He seems to love it so much.

 

I am also not secure in his love for me. I do not think he loves me as much as I love him. And he is not the type to express his feelings. He is quiet and introverted and I have to be after him to express himself. Or he would just retreat. And he can also be passive aggressive.

 

I sometimes think I am fighting a losing battle. I try hard. And he loves the sex. Sometimes I think that is what he loves most.

 

And if the sex is the glue, then what happens once he tires of me sexually? He has already proven he is capable of cheating. Men like him are selfish. They do what pleases them, and do not give a second thought to anyone else.

 

I feel like a sitting duck. Waiting for him to destroy me.

 

I just of not know what to do. I am so stuck. I love him. I want to be with him. But I cannot find a way to trust him.

[reinventmyself]

 

I sometimes think I am fighting a losing battle. I try hard. And he loves the sex. Sometimes I think that is what he loves most.

 

And if the sex is the glue, then what happens once he tires of me sexually? He has already proven he is capable of cheating. Men like him are selfish. They do what pleases them, and do not give a second thought to anyone else.

 

I feel like a sitting duck. Waiting for him to destroy me.

 

.

From what you just said here, is sex the only thing you two have really going for you?

 

I don't need to beat you up over this because you are learning that these are the consequences of dating a married man. . . and then having him as your own.

This is a tough walk to walk for you and a hard lesson. I can't imagine living this way.

I wish I had some great advise for you but I don't.

[dancinggirl67]

Hello reinventmyself. Thanks for the honest opinion. No, sex is not the only thing we have going. Obviously, he would not have left a 20 year marriage just for sex. Lol

 

But it certainly is amazing. Even after all this time. And yes, it plays a big role in our relationship. I think sex is very important in any relationship.

 

But it is not everything.

 

You are right. I am living with the consequences of my actions.

 

He trusts me.

 

But I cannot trust him.

 

You are right. It is hard living this way. I fear I will reach a point where I am going to break down. Closer everyday in fact.

[Wiseman2]

Get him a new phone for his birthday. Maybe this one isn't holding the charge because there's too much junk running and too much bloatware crammed in it. Or the battery is being overcharged, overheated, etc.

 

Jumping to the conclusion that this is because of nocturnal sexting is bizarre, no? What's wrong with the relationship that makes you suspicious of this? 2 things. Get the phone checked or get a new one and get therapy to explore your suspicions and conclusions.

I checked his battery percentage before bed and compared it to the percentage on the phone in the morning. He told me it must have fallen off the charger, all three times. The battery percentage dropped 12 % overnight, in a span of 7 hours.

[Unreasonable]

Your relationship is built on a really poor foundation. I'd just end it. You're never going to trust this guy, and your obsession with his phone battery makes it seem like you're about to lose it. I'd see a therapist.

[MissCanuck]

No trust = no relationship.

 

You are creating what you fear most, OP. One day he will tire of you, but it will be for the constant mistrust and suspicion.

 

If you don't want that to happen, you could try counselling together. You became a couple under shaky circumstances and it's normal that you don't trust him now. You know the type of deception he's capable of and it's not totally impossible he could do the same to you. I realize you know this, just agreeing that your anxiety isn't totally unfounded. For what it's worth, though, I do not think lower battery power overnight means he's sexting other women...but I wonder, did he sext you at night when his wife was asleep? Is that where this specific fear is coming from?

 

But, if you decide you want to continue anyway, I think you two will need some professional guidance. What sort of future do you envision together? After 4 years, what's the plan?

[dancinggirl67]

Thanks everyone for your input! Your views are helping.

 

Wiseman2, I do think I am being a little obsessive about his phone use at night. I do have issues with paranoia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which I have had before him. I tend to think worst case for a lot of things. He makes these issues worse at times.

 

MissCanuck, yes he did text/sext me at night when his wife was asleep. And my fear is rooted in that.

 

I do want to continue. I really do care about him very much. We have the best times together and to be honest, I would miss him for the rest of my life if I had to let him go. I know it sounds dramatic but it is the truth.

 

Counselling is a good idea. At least if I start with me.

 

I know my fears are well founded but I am trying to tell myself just because he did it with me, he will not necessarily do it again. Yes, he is capable. But I guess under the right circumstances we are all capable. I suppose I have to let go and trust him and hope for the best or end this relationship. I am going with having faith in him. Love is always a risk. No matter if he never cheated before, we risk our hearts when we choose to love someone.

 

I believe the truth comes out eventually anyway.

 

So, until then I will have to assume he is not cheating. Give him the benefit of the doubt and think positive instead of negative and jumping to conclusions that are not founded in reality, but in my fears.

[Wiseman2]

Was this an affair?

yes he did text/sext me at night when his wife was asleep.

[Unreasonable]

But I guess under the right circumstances we are all capable.

So the ones that never cheat just happened to avoid the "right circumstances"? I don't think so. Imo, it's about a lack of integrity. It is possible to rebuild your integrity one you've gone down that road, but not a lot of people do.

[dancinggirl67]

Yes, Unreasonable, it is lack of integrity. Absolutely it is. I agree.

 

Do all cheaters cheat again? That is the question. Some yes and some no. How can we predict?

[dancinggirl67]

Hi Wiseman2, yes, it was an affair for close to 3 years before he left his wife to be with me.

[reinventmyself]

How can we predict?

 

you can't, unfortunately.

[dancinggirl67]

Wish I had a crystal ball, reinventmyself. Really do.

 

But I guess when we are in relationships, we must trust our partners if we want the relationship to work. So, I am going to try harder.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately that can have you looking over you shoulder all the time that if he cheated with you he'll cheat on you, right?

yes, it was an affair for close to 3 years before he left his wife to be with me.

[JaggerJim]

Stop looking at his phone! Just stop!

[shellyf62]

So he broke up his family to be with you & now you are paranoid? You have every right to be.

He knows how to cheat, he has done it before & I'm sure he will do it again.

He wasnt a very good prize to win, was he?

[abitbroken]

Since you had an affair with him while he was married, what foundation of trust do you expect your relationship with him to have - if any? If you are nervous that he might cheat, then its your fault because you had the choice to find an unattached man and thought it was too exciting to pass up a cheater. I don't think you can get sympathy from a lot of people whether he's cheating on you or you are just nervous because you are a cheater as well. I don't know how i can advise a relationship of cheaters to smooth out and be a trusting and mutual respectful situation. I really think for your own mental health, if you are suspicious, you should leave, take time with yourself and get right with yourself and don't try to take what doesn't belong to you.

 

Hello and thank you everyone for responding to me. It is the OP.

 

My trust issues are a result of how he and I first got together. He was a married man at the time. He eventually left his wife for me. I know that does not happen often. But it did with us.

 

No - temporarily stopped his affair with you to go back to his wife. he didn't "leave you for his wife."