Online Dating - Do Women Date Upwards?

[David92506]

I enjoy reading the forums on eNotAlone - they have been very helpful. I decided to ask a question.

 

I joined several online dating sites (paid and unpaid) and I'm looking for a "female version" of me. Same age group, race, education, etc. However, I don't qualify with any because I don't meet their standards. They write something to the effect of, "I just got divorced from a loser and now I'm looking for my Prince Charming. I won't settle for second best." They then list their requirements and I don't qualify. For example, I'm not at least 6 feet tall (neither is she), I don't have a 6-pack abs, I don't drive a BMW (neither does she), I don't have a second house (neither does she), I'm not outgoing, spontaneous, life of the party, etc.

 

Do you think, generally speaking, women date upwards?

[Dahl]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

 

Please clarify what you, specifically, mean when you write 'dating upward.'

 

Secondly, dating upward as opposed to, what, precisely?

[David92506]

Please clarify what you, specifically, mean when you write 'dating upward.'

When a person dates others for social or financial mobility (or other reasons). For example, a poor person will only date a wealthy person. A short person will only date a taller person.

 

Secondly, dating upward as opposed to, what, precisely?

Dating someone within the same social and economic status as oneself.

[Abby01]

Yea what is dating upward? Im into some of dating site also talk to some and generally, i look for connection since your talking on line. Try and haver conversation and then video call or textimg. See how it goes.

[Dahl]

Thank you for elaborating.

 

I would assume that both genders in any arena would be interested in expanding their experiences, and this would lead them to date other people who are not mirror images of themselves and their social stratum.

 

I would think that it would be a non-starter for someone to date a person who, either by status or economical leaning, would enjoy a lifestyle typically unavailable to the first party.

 

That being said, I think that your approach is the better one in terms of making the initial connection easier and, in my estimation, sustainable.

 

Are you able to find sites specific to a taste, hobby or interest you have? Perhaps this would be more conducive to you making a connection with someone who better suits your parameters and might help to prevent you from feeling that you are wasting your time or having your time wasted by factors outside what you've already taken care to define are your tastes and expectations.

[Jeffbobo]

I enjoy reading the forums on eNotAlone - they have been very helpful. I decided to ask a question.

 

I joined several online dating sites (paid and unpaid) and I'm looking for a "female version" of me. Same age group, race, education, etc. However, I don't qualify with any because I don't meet their standards. They write something to the effect of, "I just got divorced from a loser and now I'm looking for my Prince Charming. I won't settle for second best." They then list their requirements and I don't qualify. For example, I'm not at least 6 feet tall (neither is she), I don't have a 6-pack abs, I don't drive a BMW (neither does she), I don't have a second house (neither does she), I'm not outgoing, spontaneous, life of the party, etc.

 

Do you think, generally speaking, women date upwards?

 

Yeah, I usually bypass profiles of women who have extensive checklists. And especially bypass anyone who says they just got divorced from a loser, looking for Prince Charming and won't settle for second best. I mean, I won't settle either and you shouldn't but I'm not going to put that BS in my profile.

 

You don't qualify with anyone because you don't meet their standards? I think your mindset is all wrong and don't think you'll get anywhere constantly trying to prove your worth. Rather, you should turn this around and think about how they will live up to your standards. I'm not saying you shouid in turn make checklists of standards on your profile. But you need to build value for yourself AND value yourself and in turn, you will be valued and desired.

 

Lastly, and ladies correct me if I'm wrong here but in general, women don't give a rip about what you drive, that second house or any other materialistic crap. It's about how you connect with them and make them feel. If they *do* mainly care about that stuff then that's not the kind of woman you'd want to be with anyway.

[Matt3939]

Yep it's a whole recent USA politics. When they go low we go high thing. Go low theres a lot more fun things to talk about. Good luck

[Fudgie]

I've done online dating, met my boyfriend thrift there. I dated "my level and up". By that I mean, a guy would have to have AT LEAST what I have. I have a Bachelor's, I live on my own, I drive, I have grad school aspirations, and I have no kids. Thus, I wouldn't date a guy who has less education, or can't drive, or has a baby mama. If a guy had more than that, fine, but that is just a bonus.

 

My boyfriend is pretty well matched. Same level of education (although his job is a lot better and higher earning) and he has future aspirations and like me, he has a car. Actually, it's the same model as mine! That's cool!

 

However, I can't stand materialistic guys. I've stopped talking to guys after I learned that they really like expensive cars and dump their money into them. Ugh. What a turn off. I like frugal guys!

[Krankor]

What you are describing here is a phenomena known as "female hypergamy the tendency of women to only want their "level" and higher in terms of appearance and status. To be fair, this concept exists mostly in MRA and MGTOW spaces, but anyone who has been on a dating app could tell you that there is some truth to it, generally speaking of course. One of the popular dating apps--OK cupid maybe--did a study in which they had men and women both rate the appearance of members of the opposite sex. The men ended up rating the women on an almost perfect bell curve; most were average, some above and some below with just a very few incredibly beautiful and a very few quite frankly very unattractive. The women, however, rated 80% of the men as below average. Think about that for a moment. That doesn't even make statistical sense but that is what women perceive.

 

So does that mean that 80% of the women are chasing 20% of the men? If you're a single dude out there in the dating world that's a discouraging thought. There are evolutionary psychology reasons for this that I won't get into.

 

I met my current girlfriend on a dating app. Scrolling through the profiles, women do tend set more filters than men. Sometimes it's reasonable; if you have a PhD it's unlikely you'll find your match in a high school dropout. There can be a fine line between "I know my worth and don't want to settle" and "I'm awesome, super picky, and am entitled to a wealthy 10" but I think I got pretty good at telling the difference.

 

In the end, just know your own worth and believe in what you have to offer. That will take you farther than anything.

[Silverbirch]

Hi David,

A few months ago, I went onto 2 dating sites, and I suppose I gave up. I think that where I live does have something to do with what I found. I suppose I would like not quite a male version of myself, but somebody like me. Never happened. I wasn't interested in money, but I was wary of men who I thought are there looking for free accommodation. There are probably people of both sexes like that about.

 

It wasn't height which was an issue with me. To be brutally honest,mI find men with lots of facial hair scared. A lot of the men's photos were selfies, and probably bad photos, but lots of them looked scruffy, some even dirty, and/or very overweight. I had a man text me wanting to know if I was very sim as he couldn't tell from my photo. He said that very sim is very important to him. I told him I am not slim, and a little overweight which is not actually true - I AM slim but curves, but I knew when I read his mail that I didn't want anything to do with him.

 

I met one guy who I thought was okay despite the fact that he was at least 4 inches shorter than he said he was in his profile, and he looked much skinnier than in his profile photo. He had certainly played himself upward in his photo. When I met him at a fairly crowded place, he recognised me immediately from a bit of a distance. At the end of the meeting, he said we should meet a few times to decide if we want a relationship, and if not, could be a nice friendship. I texted him that night briefly saying, nice to meet him and thank you. I got an immediate reply back saying all the best and he didn't want to see me again. I just couldn't be bothered. This guy was certainly nothing to write home about. Didn't have a secure job and was living it rough. After these, I thought, why bother? There are a couple of men outside of online dating who are interested in me. One I am absolutely not attracted to physically and lots of red flags with his personality. The other 2 are attractive, but again, they are very scruffy. They could have lots of women if they did stuff like shave every day and cut back on drinking.

[kktang]

When I am dating regardless online or real life I try to date guy with a college degree, decent career (not job), spend reasonably and motivated, anything else is a bonus. It's just easier to get along with people with similar background/values.

 

In fact I usually downplay my background at the beginning (take uber instead of drive my BMW, don't mention that I own a home, over educated). I don't plan on living off my future partner nor sponsoring him to live my current lifestyle, if he makes as much as I do we should have a decent living even it means in the expensive California.

 

So I guess my answer would be, no strong women don't date upward.

[itsallgrand]

I think it's reflective of a value system, not gender. There are men who match those women in that system.

 

If that isn't reflective of your choice of how to engage in a relationship, those women are irrelevant because they have filtered themselves out for you.

[mustlovedogs]

If you aren't having luck, it could be because your profile has one of the "fatal flaws" I see on men's profiles...

- overly sexual photos (no shirtless mirror selfies please)

- pictures where you're surrounded by women

- pictures of you being adventurous but nothing else. I can't see your face under all your ski equipment, skier dude

 

 

Write your sentences in full sentences, no chat speak, and have something of substance. I dismiss profiles where they don't take the time to write out something valuable.

 

If none of these are your problems, I would speculate you're targeting the wrong type of women. If you're chasing all the bombshells, you're competing with literally everyone else.

 

I personally don't date up, but I have some non negotiables. College educated, similar financial status, and nothing I said above. Of course, I want to be attracted to them. But I am attracted to guys that I think are in my realm of attractiveness too. I have a thing for the slightly nervous nerdy guys

[JaggerJim]

I enjoy reading the forums on eNotAlone - they have been very helpful. I decided to ask a question.

 

I joined several online dating sites (paid and unpaid) and I'm looking for a "female version" of me. Same age group, race, education, etc. However, I don't qualify with any because I don't meet their standards. They write something to the effect of, " I just got divorced from a loser and now I'm looking for my Prince Charming. I won't settle for second best." They then list their requirements and I don't qualify. For example, I'm not at least 6 feet tall (neither is she), I don't have a 6-pack abs, I don't drive a BMW (neither does she), I don't have a second house (neither does she), I'm not outgoing, spontaneous, life of the party, etc.

 

Do you think, generally speaking, women date upwards?

 

These types of woman should not be allowed on a computer. As if those kinds of woman could date up.............

[katrina1980]

I didn't get that David was targeting specific women, just browsing the profiles to see what's out there.. I am in a relationship but when bored at work sometimes I do too. So does my boyfrnd, we have a good laugh about it later.

 

There is so much shallowness and superficiality on those sites, and GIGS, I wonder how anyone gets together long term. None of what David posted in his post means anything to me, another poster had it right, it is how we make each other feel and our chemistry together, how well we get on. I bet if those women who post those things on those sites met a man who rocked their world, they wouldn't care about those things so much either, unless they are supremely shallow and why would any man want someone like that anyway?

[Krankor]

One more thing, when I was looking through profiles, if a woman came off as overly picky it was always a huge turnoff, even if I met her criteria. It told me that she would be difficult and hard to please on a date or in a relationship, too.

[notalady]

They write something to the effect of, "I just got divorced from a loser and now I'm looking for my Prince Charming. I won't settle for second best." They then list their requirements and I don't qualify. [/font]

 

Trust me, you don't want to date a woman who list out a whole bunch of superficial criteria dictating how you must look and what car you must drive for example.

 

Unless she's young with super model looks, I doubt a man with her listed criteria (6 foot +, good body AND rich?) that is looking to take advantage of his "assets", will not even give her a second look.

 

It's called having unrealistic expectations.

 

In general, I think women tend to look for men in the same or better situations than themselves, so maybe not worse off but certainly don't need to be better off. Most just want someone they are compatible with.

 

Looks wise, some women care more, some care less. Some care about height, some don't. But I would say most would prefer a guy not shorter than them.

 

It really depends, what a woman focus on and whether her expectations are realistic. It only takes one like-minded person

[Silverbirch]

I forgot to add that I did see a man's profile I really liked, and wanted to mail him, but didn't for a couple of reasons. Firstly, he lived over 300kms away so pointless. The other reason was in some way, I felt nervous and slightly intimidated, but he did get me wondering a little about my choices on and offline so far in my life. This man was Italian-born, had been here many years and made a good living for himself through sheer hard work. He was an older man, but he looked BEAUTIFUL. - just how a man should look. One thing which intimidated me a bit was that he had worked for many years as a buyer for our major department in ladies fashions and Italian homeward. Things he said on his profile, I liked so much - like his passion for music. He didn't say if he sang or plYed an I strident, just that he always had music playing and which artists he liked.

 

So, I didn't contact him partly because I felt a bit nervous and intimidated. One of my parents was Italian, and my grandparents would have been thrilled to bits if I had married an Italian. As a young woman, that made me go the other way. I've wondered of late if I would be a better match with a European man or a man with a European background. Only had one BF who had European parents, but they were from a very different part of Europe with a very different culture to my Mediterranean background. All of the other men I've been involved with have been from Anglo-Protestant backgrounds, and I do wonder if I should have considered that difference.

 

Sorry, in my previous post, I meant to write that men with facial hair and unshaven look SCAREY not SCARED. It might be that I have sensitive and got a facial rash once in my teens from a man with fCial growth. I think that turned me off facial hair forever.

[KantSleep]

When I was doing the on-line dating thing, I tried to stay in my lane. I was basically looking for someone like me, who was educated and brought something to the table. As someone with two older children (22 and 25), I am not a kid anymore and so I have "stuff". I want to protect my stuff, so I figured the best way was to find someone with somewhat similar finances. In general, I found on-line dating in my age bracket to be abysmal - the games were endless. I guess I just got unlucky.

I met my current BF through a relative. We are somewhat similar financially, although I believe I have more assets at this time, yet his earnings are greater than mine. I am not going to count pennies - as long as he can take care of his own bills and not ask me to pay his mortgage (yes, I had someone I dated in the past hit me up in this manner). So, to answer your question, I wasn't looking to date up. I was looking to date somewhat equal. That includes equal in finances, morals, and looks (well, he won't look like me but he will be in my lane). I consider myself a middle lane lady in the looks department, so I look for middle-lane men. I do not attempt to overshoot as I don't want to end up rejected and waste my time.

[Wiseman2]

Online dating requires a lot of sifting and filtering. Just skip the bizarre profiles and message the interesting ones.

 

Being insecure and having this imagination that you have to be rich and tall and built is nonsense. Be yourself have nice profile good pics etc. Be well groomed get decent "date" clothes. Not every coffee meet will turn out. There are lots of duds.

 

Message women who interest you meet for coffee asap and see how it goes. You can't really do the "dating" part online.

I joined several online dating sites (paid and unpaid) and I'm looking for a "female version" of me. Same age group, race, education, etc.

[superfan]

I am married now but if I were still dating, I would want someone who was "in the same place as me" both financially and in terms of education. I have two degrees and am professionally qualified. I don't make a lot of money as I haven't been able to find a good paying job in my field, but I don't really care about what a guy earns. My husband also has two degrees (his are college whereas mine are university) but they mean that he and I have similar career goals and aspirations.

 

I wouldn't have much in common with a guy who only had a high school diploma, no car or was unemployed.

 

I am not focused on looks, so I don't really think about those things (though I think you HAVE to be physically attracted to your partner) but I wouldn't put specific criteria on what a guy had to look like.

 

Basically similar experiences, values and goals are what is important to me. I don't want a millionaire.

[ManyDates]

When I still had a job and my growing business I was making bank. I usually keep my income on "I'll tell you later" but for a week I said the heck with it and put the max 150,000+ on match. OMG you should have seen them come out of the woodwork! LOL I turned it off and everything calmed down again.

 

That said, I will only date educated career women from 28-37 that drive and have their own places. I am not going to be a chauffeur or have to deal with her parents every time I go over there. On the flip side those are generally the only ones that message me anyway - but there are still some that are unemployed, don't drive and still live at home with mommy (in their 30's). I don't care how hot she is, its a deal breaker.

[Maddyb12]

I've tried online dating, I never set a limit for height, I'm 5'6 and usually won't date someone shorter but I'm not only going to date 6'0 and above (I have a friend who does this) the main thing I look for is same or similar education level just because that's something I value.

[superfan]

That said, I will only date educated career women from 28-37 that drive and have their own places. I am not going to be a chauffeur or have to deal with her parents every time I go over there. On the flip side those are generally the only ones that message me anyway - but there are still some that are unemployed, don't drive and still live at home with mommy (in their 30's). I don't care how hot she is, its a deal breaker.

 

A respectable requirement given your own income level etc. Guys are allowed to set that bar, whereas if a woman put that down as a requirement, she is being too picky or too demanding.

[superfan]

I've tried online dating, I never set a limit for height, I'm 5'6 and usually won't date someone shorter but I'm not only going to date 6'0 and above (I have a friend who does this) the main thing I look for is same or similar education level just because that's something I value.

 

I don't have a height requirement either. I have never dated anybody shorter than me, but that would be rather difficult seeing as I am only 5'3". I don't generally encounter men that short, but if I did I wouldn't rule him out over height alone.