Dating an older, twice divorced man with kids

[Daisymay03]

I have been dating a guy who is 40, I am 27. We have been together almost a year now, and things are good, but we have some reoccurring issues that I'm not sure how to handle.

 

1. He was married to his first wife until 6 years ago and they have two kids. He always says everything was so great and perfect, etc with them. He goes on that everyone says they were the best couple and everything. He told me she was having affairs constantly and that's why they divorced, he wanted to fix things and her to stop drinking, partying and cheating and she wouldn't. He talks a lot about how good things were with her and about her family a lot including saying stuff about her attractiveness. He says he was really messed up from their breakup and that's how he ended up with his second ex-wife.

 

2. Second girl he met and says was a sort of bad rebound thing. He says she was "safe" an average girl that was also divorced. He met her at an online dating website. She was going to law school, had similar interests, good family and inherited a house and farm which he is into. He says that she lied about taking birth control early in their relationship, which caused him to also have a son with her. Because she got pregnant they decided to do a quick marriage, he sold his old house and moved in with her. He says as soon as they were married things went bad and she became manipulative, he was giving her money all the time, borderline abusive tendencies to him. He left her a few months before he and I met but was still going through the divorce legally.

 

Long story short, he doesn't go a single day without talking about one of them if not both. I understand that they never will entirely be out of the picture due to them having children together and a past, but I find it bothersome to keep hearing about how great someone's dad was, how much better his old house was, about his ex wives, etc. He says he doesn't want to ever get married or have anymore kids one day and the next he calls me his wife. I find this hard to deal with and it hurts my feelings because I do want those things. He knows this, and always says stuff like he doesn't want to lose me and what not. I have no problem and love having his kids down to visit.

 

When he isn't talking about his ex's and prior lives with them, things are great. He's a little bit of a harmless flirt but over all we have all the same interests and work very very well together and are like best friends.

 

 

I'm in grad school, working, doing ok. No prior marriages and I don't have kids. I'm just afraid to dive too deep into a relationship with someone who I'm not sure is over their ex wives or not, and changes if he wants to get married/have kids every other day. I know it's still early on in the relationship but I don't know how to handle it. I'm afraid to shut down communication if I tell him I don't want to hear about his ex wives, and afraid to end our relationship if I pressure an answer out of him on marriage and kids when we have only been dating around a year. We have been living together for 6 months.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say but there are a ton of red flags here. Talking about exes is merely the tip of the iceberg. He calls you "his wife"? and you moved in after 6 mos?

 

Things will only go downhill and it's pointless to pursue someone who is adamant about never getting married having kids if those are your goals and values.

 

Move out you are wasting your time, he doesn't love you. you can do much better than this guy. You are merely a soft cushion for his divorces (that of course he blames on his exes)

He says he was really messed up from their breakup and that's how he ended up with his second ex-wife.

He left her a few months before he and I met but was still going through the divorce legally.

He says he doesn't want to ever get married or have anymore kids one day and the next he calls me his wife.

We have been living together for 6 months.

]

[Krankor]

The next time he starts up about an ex, just try saying something like: "You know hon, I know these women will always be a part of your lives since you have children with them, but I feel as if we're dwelling on the past a bit too much for my taste. I've already gotten all the rundown I need of your life before we met, and now I'd rather focus on the present and future."

 

If he does it again, just say "boring topic" and change the subject. Hopefully he'll get the message loud and clear.

 

As for the kids and marriage thing, it's tough because he's been burned twice before and so you putting the screws to him will likely only make him put up a wall. However, you are getting into your late 20's (not that you're old, but time really does fly) and don't want to spin your wheels in a dead end relationship.

 

For now, I'd focus on being positive and having a good relationship without bringing up marriage and kids, and then in maybe six months or so revisit the issue and see where he is.

 

As time goes on, you may decide that you'd be better with someone a little closer to your age with a little less baggage. You may also find that his flirting which may be harmless but you felt like somewhat randomly bringing up anyway is getting to be a bigger problem for you.

[Jeffbobo]

As a guy in my 40's, this is precisely why I don't date younger women. I have kids and have gone through that stage in my life and don't want to go through it again; until grandkids to where I can spoil them and then send them back home. Lol. Further and most importantly, I think it'd be very selfish of me to deprive someone of that experience.

 

A guy that constantly brings up exes, whithout you bringing it up first, means that they're on his mind a lot more often than when he brings them up to you. It screams a huge red flag to me in that he has not really taken the time to process, learn and move on effectively from those relationships. Everyone has been burned from a relationship in their lives. It's what you do with that experience and how you move forward that counts.

[notalady]

Look lady, you need to slap yourself on the forehead and wake up! Stop wasting your precious child bearing years (if you indeed want children) on this mess of a guy! Red flags are coming at you left right and centre! He's incessantly talking about his ex's, reminiscing the good ol' times, and you're sitting here going "ohhh I'm not sure, is he over them or not? I can't tell", OF COURSE he's not over them (or rather, not over the bad experience he had)! How is that not clear? Someone who's moved on emotionally, would not be talking about their ex's much if at all, ever, unless it's in relation to their kids and it's all very factual and logistical. Right now, you're in a relationship with him AND his two ex-wives.

 

This guy learnt nothing from his previous relationship failures, based on his approach with you. He's blowing hot and cold, one minute saying he never wants to get married or have kids again, next minute calling you his wife AND moving in together after not even 6 months of dating? All huge red flags. Huge emotional baggage.

 

You cannot make your decisions based on "maybe one day he'll make up his mind and decide he want marriage and kids", "maybe one day he'll let go of his baggage and be with me properly". That is unknown, not just to you, to him too. It's a huge risk for you to take. You don't want to wake up at 35 and be told that he's made up his mind and it is to never get married and have kids. Or...maybe he'll still be undecided. Seriously, don't waste your time like that.

 

You're young, with a bright future, you can do waaaaay better.

[youngwoman]

A while back, I tried to date someone divorced with kids to not limit my options to see if maybe I was being too picky. I'll never do that again. If they were wrong before, I'm not sure how they can tell they are right this time. I'm taking my time in getting married so I don't have their divorced problems. If you have a chance at your own family, I'd say try yours and let him find someone who is on the same page as him in his same situation.

 

 

I'm now hanging out/dating/whatever it is with a man who has zero kids and zero ex wives. It's soooo much better and we are able to have fun and can stay out as late as we want and not have to save any money right now for children we can keep all our money to ourselves and save.

[KantSleep]

While it's great you get along well, his yapping about the ex's and not wanting marriage/kids could be a heart breaker down the road.

[HeartGoesOn]

He says that she lied about taking birth control early in their relationship, which caused him to also have a son with her.

 

One thing that stands out is this guy is extremely irresponsible. He was just as responsible for the use of BC as she was, therefore he's selling you a line of BS. Based on his track record, I'd think twice about becoming wife #3.

 

In short, the chances of this working in the long term are slim to none, (imo).